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725 · Mar 2017
Plastered Heart
Amber Lodrigues Mar 2017
I have fresco chips
Stuck under my nails
I think I like it
The green pigment sinks
Through
Into my blood stream
It circulates through my body
Into my mind
I cannot stop thinking
Remembering
The feel of your texture
The humor in your tongue
A man
Whose laugh
Haunts me
Plays with words
Jabs my heart
And then smiles
So crooked
So twisted
I should run
I should hide
But I cannot venture
You are squeezing
My heart
Blood squirts
Out between your fingers
You say you don’t want me
You say that I am not needed
But you don’t let me go
You cover it in plaster
Unfinished
You put it away
Dust covers it
Maggots eat at it
I move on
I walk on
Trying to smile
Trying to breath
Denying
That I am empty
Hollow
Shallow
Waiting for you
To walk through
The door
Grab me
Hug me
Love me
519 · Mar 2017
Tension
Amber Lodrigues Mar 2017
I like tension
Tension that is so thick
You cannot breath
It surrounds you like
The humidity
Deep in the air
Wrapping your body
Swallowing your lungs
It wants to be you
It wants to be with you
How can you breath?
When the tension surrounds you
Envelops you
It slides down
Your hair follicles
Encasing you
Hugging you
Kissing every inch of you
Who needs air
With tension
It stops the time
It sends the minutes away
It makes eternity possible
Everything else
Goes away
The only thing left
Are the tiny ******;
Teases
Of tension
On your flesh
396 · May 2017
A New Desk
Amber Lodrigues May 2017
I need
A new desk
For my home
Office
I had to
Throw
The last one
In the trash
It broke a leg
And busted
My shin
Wide open
I need it to be
Sturdy and strong
With a nice
Wood grain
And beautiful pulls
Of elaborate plaster
And paint
I can't be too
Showy
Not a piece of art
But beautiful
All the same
In its simplicity
It needs to function
And work all night
When I can’t sleep
And work by the light
I wanted to still smell
Like an old library
That old smell
Of decay
And ambition
And have the feeling
Under my skin
That a million hands
Held on to it
During times of
Grim
When the dead lines
Are pressing
And the all
Night coffee calls
Still happened
Cramming
For the big test
Dreaming
Of what answer is the best
Pencil marks
On corners
And gum underneath
Are always a plus
I want all these things
All the things
That I have seen
Felt
Believed in
380 · Apr 2017
Orange Insanity
Amber Lodrigues Apr 2017
You are
My orange crush
The sweet juice
That heals
My broken soul
The c that keeps me
Moving
Flowing breathing
The acidity
That burns my lips
When I let the
Rind linger too long
It reminds me
That this
Is so
Wrong
I want to
Jump in the
Ocean
Save
Those parts of you, me
That was thrown away
But
My morality
Glimpses
Of my sanity
Make my fingers
Wrap
Around my chair
Dig my feet in
Here I stand
In my sanity
My virtue
What is the virtue?
What is sanity?
These things
That make are
Society turn
I look at
My bank account
My bills
Stumbling to the floor
Will they miss me,
When I shut
The door?
The credit unions
The tax collectors
The writers
Of all those
Old books
The doctors,
The lawyers,
All those with
The big desk
All the gossip hounds
With sharp tongues
Will they
Want to hold me
When it all shuts
Down
Will I miss them?
My bills,
Responsibilities,
Pride
For waiting for
The green light,
Or will I miss
The nights
I dance too hard,
Spent too much,
And let the rind
Linger too long
On my swollen
Lips
Will you?
331 · May 2017
Crossing the Parking Lot
Amber Lodrigues May 2017
The first time
I saw you
You were just
A simple man
Walking across a parking lot
But
Something
Inside of me
Shifted
Moved
The way you moved
The way
Your weight
Shifted
I had to meet you
Get to know you
Maybe
I was too forceful
Maybe
I made it
Too obvious
But
I knew
I knew
You could be
Everything to me
My missing
Electron
The missing sun
In my universe
I will never forget
The first time
My heart
Blended with you
Sitting on your desk
In your studio
You big brave
Man, you
Screaming
And terminating
Varmits for me
But
I don’t believe I was enough
For you
;
Not then
Trying to keep me
In the closet
Like a
Secret project
Attending parties
After our dinner date
You
Telling me
“We’re not together at this party”
My first
Broken heart
Like a dinner
Plate
Crashing to the
Floor
I’ve seemed to have
A piece of it
Lodged in my foot
It’s healed in there
But, sometimes
When I step wrong
It hurts,
Throbs
And I see
Your face,
Your form
Crossing the parking lot……
321 · Mar 2017
Sour Wine
Amber Lodrigues Mar 2017
Sour Wine

I feel
Your fingers
In between
My ribs
Trying
To
Pull
Something out
I really
Don’t know
What,
I’m
Just trying
To put
All of
My olives
Back
In the jar
They
Have spilt
All over
The table-
The pasta
Has boiled
Over
Turned to
Mush
The wine
Sour
Left-over
From
Last night
Someone
Has ashed
In it
And you
You
Keep
Pushing
And poking
Twisting it
Like
A Thomas
Who
Does not
Doubt
I doubt
I wonder
Where
Is my
Next breath
Coming from
Will
I ever
Fit into
My pants
Be able
To walk
Without
A cane
In my mind
I’m trying to figure out
Where
To go
What to do
With
Pasta mush
And a
Bottle of
Sour wine
318 · Mar 2017
Lost/Found
Amber Lodrigues Mar 2017
My insides
Are shaking
Doomsday
Freedom day
Fools day
Is approaching
I have to jump
I have to leap
Insanity
Obesity
Depression
Is nipping at my toes
Half of me
Says this is wrong
Wait, wait
Time is not right
Not correct
But
I must believe
I must strengthen
I make time
I create opportunity
Even though
I know
My world
Is folded
My timeline
Twisted and turned
Tweaked
Into obtuse, acute, and right
Triangles
I try to
Move them
Around
Shape them around
Blow them out
Feel them up
And see
If
I can get
A little more space
A little more freedom
Play the game
Ignore the game
Wink hard
Skip long
Try to focus
Focus
And not get board
But
Hold my feelings
Keep them cool
Like ice cubes
But not
Too cool
Not too
Distant
Listen
To those
I know
Who came before
Walked so crooked
Trying to make it straight
Perfect
Everything is perfect
Everything is fine
Not looking behind
Never behind
Feel my breath
Going to fast
Feel my heart beating
To fast
Quick
Happy thought
Happy thought
The ogre has no effect
No thought
No moment
In my heart
My body
It is gone
Wiped clean
With the pain
Hold on
To my imaginary dream
So twisted
Into the pain
Try to separate
Compartmentalize
Ignore
The entanglement
Just to survive
Live one more day
Ignore
The jokes
Mental pain
Rise above
Survive above
Do not die
Do not go down
Not like that
Never like that
All the confusion
Obsession
Of who I am
What I am
I don’t know
I don’t understand
The fascination
With my destruction
My frustration
With the manipulation of my life
The unknown
Target
Of my life
Such an easy
Simple
Target
Of my life
I’ve always known
Who I am
A simple, strong, dark, bright,
Woman
Amber Lodrigues Mar 2017
So
When does it end?
The performance
That is my life
Is it the lack
Of excitement
That makes it
So obsessively
Easy
For you
My outwardly
Dullness
That makes it
Compulsive
For you
Does it stop
When
I finally lose
It
Punch
A dumb girl
Who doesn’t know
How to curl her
Own hair
Borrowing my
Nervous ticks
Does it end
When I scream
“I have made
The perfect pencil!”
Running to the woods
To hide
Never coming out
Surviving
On boiled pine combs
Letting their
Tenderized flesh
Tear my mouth
Or
When my insides
Become
My outsides
Because
Of course
It is your business
To know
My ***** thought
My secret screams
All the things
That terrorizes me
Rip me
In two
The fact that
I have
Always wanted
To split
My body in two
RIP IT APART!!!!!!
Let my howl run out
Back breaking
Voice screaming
“I am finally free!
My monster
has finally run out of me!’
But
That will never happen
It exists as me
My deep
Redness
That pulsates
Through me
Surrounded by
Lapis
That thick shell
Of blue
That encases me
It is
Me
My faint breathe
That keeps pumping
In spite of myself
No matter
How many times
I whine
Let me die
Let me end
I breathe in
283 · May 2017
Beauty
Amber Lodrigues May 2017
I see you're
Bald spot
And flowers
On your shoes
How beautiful
All it does
Is remind me
Of you
The one
With no name
My beautiful
My sculpture king
I wait for you
I dream of you
I want only you,
I wonder
What does
Your hair feel like
Now?
Your ankles
To touch again
Your breath
Your smile
To watch you
Work again
To see your hands
Covered
In wet plaster
I miss you
I want more
From you
Your whole body
Your whole mind
To see
How many twist
And turns
To feel
Your heart
In my hand
How it thumps
How it bleeds
To feel your pain
Sarcasm
Cuts me
Your tongue
Lacerates me
I lay
And take it
I cannot leave
You
Again
I dream of sleeping
In the same room
While you
Work
Just in case
I wake
And can see
Your beauty
Create
261 · May 2017
Tangled
Amber Lodrigues May 2017
I thought
I wouldn’t need you
To hold my hand
Once I made it out
Made it
To what seemed
Like safety
But
I’ve grown accustomed
To the thought of you
Next to me
Pressed to me
Whispers in my ear
The feeling of your heart
So near
I keep telling myself
It is make believe
You’re just a muse
Something to inspire
Make me move
Pass the time
But
My heart
My mind
Has become tangled
Joining
My imaginary empire
And the dullness of my days
I dream
Of seeing you
Hearing your words
Pour out
Of that mouth
I want to throw
Morality
Out of the window
Jump in my car
Drive to you
But
My heart tells me
If I don’t
Respect your bonds
If you don’t respect
Your bonds
What is there
For us to build upon
I don’t know
What to do
My poetic side
Says scream it from
The rooftops
Yell it across oceans
Let nature
Time
Happen
Do you hear me?
I’m trying to yell
I’m trying to scream
Oh captain my captain
What should I do?

— The End —