I held onto his words like vines on a brick building unable to stand alone,
unable to reach higher without dependence on something greater than me.
I was holding on with thin strands of yarn around my wrists and around my neck.
I fell so dependent on everything except myself to keep me going because I fell too weak to stand.
I gasped for air.
I hit the floor.
The world became too heavy and I fell into a dream.

I awoke from a dream, not refreshed, alone, lonely, and broken.
I awoke to find myself running, sprinting to find something- to find anything that would take away the pain, that would end everything right there.
But in that moment nothing was strong enough.
I thought everything was weak.

But I was the weak one, still.
The world wanted me alive and I tried to weaken its will.
I fell back into a drunken dream over and over.
And every night I wished myself away.
Away away away, back into that heavy dream.
That was where I belonged- in a heavy dream that you only awoke from weaker than when you fell into it.

He used to stare at me like a painting;
red paint flowing off the edges of a white canvas.
He used to speak in dimensions,
always philosophizing his world and the universe and the meaning.
He used to hug me in comfort because
some days were darker than others and I needed him then more than ever.
He used to worry about what I would do when I was left alone.
He used to worry about what would happen when I was not the only one in my house because
he was the only person that knew what happened behind closed doors.
He used to be optimism and the confidence I needed to survive.
He used to be the only reason I was going to come home.
He used to be mine but
he moved on.

For once: I am comfortable smiling;
I am comfortable being myself;
I am comfortable enough to say what's on my mind;
I am comfortable enough to support what i believe in;
I am comfortable loving who i am.

For once: I love the people who surround me;
I love the environment i am privileged in living;
I love who i am;
I love who i am when i am with people.

For once: I am better;
I am happy;
I can smile.

Its the physical rush you feel that makes you want more.
People never understand the metaphors.
Its the foreign blankness of your mind that you want to remember.
Because all you ever do is overthink and remember.
But maybe for one night you can lose the unhealthy part of you:
The part you hide from everyone true.
For one night, you do not need to fake who you are,
Because the rush will take charge.

Ring.
I know I shouldn’t but there is no other way. I have used up all my options; this is it. I am a failure; nobody likes me; nobody should like me; I’m a terrible influence. Why me?
Ring.
God it’s starting to hurt. Should I clean this up? No. I’ll leave it. It doesn’t make a difference to me. It won’t last much longer until all the pain goes away.
Ring.
What if it doesn’t work? I can’t see anymore. Just one more time.
Ring.
Why are my parents so ignorant that they can’t even hear me? Can’t they tell what I’m doing? ***** them; ***** the world; I wasn’t meant for this life.
Ring.
SOMEONE PICK UP THE **** PHONE PLEASE. I really can’t see now; my face is black and my body, red.
Ring.
…
Hello?
Hello?*
*Is someone there?

I stare into the glass on the wall
A stupid square glass
But I do not see the glass, I see myself.
I see a reflection of myself in the glass on the wall;
I see a grin stretching across my entire face;
I see constellations connecting ideas in my eyes.
But I do not feel like that girl staring back at me.

I feel like the dark side of the moon-
The side that no one sees,
The side people forget about.
I am the leftover thanksgiving turkey in the back of your fridge,
The turkey that goes bad after months of sitting there,
Alone.
But I try to force myself back into the world,
Move myself forward in the fridge of life.
Maybe they will remember me then.

I go out.
I make plans.
I cancel plans.
I make more plans.
I make more plans that I do not want to go to.
I make plans with people that I do not even like.
I feel bad about not liking people I should like.
I feel bad about not knowing people I want to like.
I am too afraid of knowing people I like.
I am afraid they will shun me from their cool lives because
I am simply not cool.
I am afraid people will see my backside, my dark side, my secrets.
I fear people will worry.
I fear people will worry about things I do not want them worrying about.
I fear people will not stop talking to me when I want to be alone.
Because all I want to do is be alone,
Because it hurts and I do not want them to see me hurt.
But I want help.
I want them to notice me.
I want some share of the sun that I deserve.
But maybe I don’t deserve it.
Maybe I am meant to be alone in this world just like I always have been.
But I keep screaming in my room
“PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE!”
And I complain to my friends about my loneliness,
But I deny their invites when I get the chance
Because I want to be alone.
Everything that goes through my mind is confusing and unexplainable.
And I just want it all to stop, to go far, far away.
But then it gets silent and in the silence I begin to worry.
And I realize that when the depression is gone, the anxiety comes back.
And I realize I need a home in between but I am stuck on shifting poles.
All I want to be able to do is to open my mouth and tell someone,
I need help from you.

Think before you swing.
One decision, oh how it can affect your entire life,
Your entire truth.
Your body, your mind, your soul.
Just think.
Calm yourself.
Instead of breaking apart your heart,
Break apart the wrecking ***** on your arms and open the palms inside them
And let go.
Flowers are most beautiful when they open up.
Stop trying to make yourself normal
Because you already are.
We all know pain, we all know happiness.
We have all felt before the main of the tiger.
Let go like an avalanche to be most powerful.
Don’t walk around with band aids in your pockets,
Keep smiles in your first aid kit,
Because most days those are more useful.
And as hard as it is,
Don’t stare into the mirror because the mirror is simply a sheet of glass
Covering the truth of what is on the wall and what is staring at the wall.
Instead become the mirror
Because your reflection is going to carry out everything you want done,
And you can and you will because you are reflecting yourself, the truth.
But remember depression and sadness will always creep up behind you again and again
So check your blind spot so you can get out of its way.
Spread your arms wide and wide
Ask the world why why why why why.
You will find the answer,
Behind the clouds, behind the fog, in the sunlight and in the darkness.
It is both everywhere and nowhere.
It wants to be found but it hides every time.
Truth is depression
And so are you.