Your car smelled like the cigarettes you smoke at 3am
Wondering how the hell you even got here
Or why it even matters
Your car smelled like a paradox
And before you rolled your windows down
I took in one last breath
It felt like home

But then it got cold and you lit up
Thinking it would take your mind off things
and it hit me
That smokey smell
The one that shortens your breaths
I felt sick
Sick knowing they're the only thing you have
They are your home
And I'm sorry.

I haven't figured out what's worse
Being in a room full of people
People I've known my whole life
People i love with all that I can give,
and feel like another brick in the wall
Watching
Isolated
Feeling out of my body
Floating further and further away

Or
Being alone in my room
Not knowing whether i want to
Punch a wall
Cry uncontrollably
Go for a run
Run away
Scream
I'm held captive

I haven't figured out which is worse
Because in either place
I'm still facing my anxiety
Alone.

two years today
she's still holding on
still pushing.
yeah, she slips
but I have never known her to not get right back up

and two years ago
you got back up
and you stood so strong
I don't know what its like to lose a father,
I was so worried, so scared.

two whole years
and I can picture it like yesterday
the irony of it all.
that day I said "isn't it weird that we will probably never remember today?"
I will never forget.
and I will never stop holding you up
and I will always be a step behind to catch you when you fall
I love you d.

This isn't a testimony of love,
Or a confession of feelings.
Because the love I have for you
Is the same the tides hold with the moon.
I'll push and pull however you need me to.
Whatever it takes for you to be happy.
But you looked at me as you longed for the sun,
And I could see her reflection in your eyes.
I could feel you praying for her warmth, aching for her glow.
If the moon could cry,
I would create new oceans.
I'm sorry I can't be her.
I can't be your sun.

This isn't a testimony of love,
Or a confession of feelings.
Because my love for you is the same the leaves hold with the seasons.
You shower me and I play in your light.
Each day gets brighter and our time feels eternal.
But then, slowly,
You fade.
Things change and I hold on for dear life.
I don't want to lose you.
Your cold.
And you've found someone new.
I know you'll be back.
You always come back.
I can't wait forever for rain.
I can't keep falling.

This isn't a testimony of love.
Or a confession of feelings.
Because loving you is the same as rereading my favorite book.
I still get lost in the pages,
But I at least now know where it ends.

I have seen you once in 365 days.
we rarely speak,
but I would be lying if I said I haven't thought of you.
or gone back three years and set up camp in my mind.
retracing our very being
I can hear us laughing,
see us crying.
I can feel those nights spent in silence
just me crying.
the frustration, anger
helpless, anxiety
because of how much you meant to me
but not I to you.
did I ever?
I don't think I will ever know.
and for how it all changed
too quickly for me to grab hold.
I spiraled
down.
and I hit hard.
but I still see your smile
and I still feel mine.
and if we never meet again
just know that I may not ever love you
but I always will.

Jagged edges , sharp turns
and screeching halts.
what a build up.
impatient for the explosion,
yet trudging on.
waiting.
hoping for that silver lining,
a moment to breathe
gone too soon
heaving, grasping, panting.
more turns, and sharper edges.
like a lead foot on an open road
faster, faster
too fast
losing control
trying to find something to hold on to.
someone.
but nothing,
no one.
you scream
louder, harder
tears pouring.
hands clenched
heart pounding.
there's no stopping.
you let it take over.
faster, faster.
you can see it.
too fast.
the end of the..

I wish you knew what lies behind these eyes
what sort of hidden meaning they behold
what they are trying to convey
how they scream at you to hear them
but know you will never listen
asking to break down the walls
and fight away the fear
to bring me close with
every intention of holding on forever
more so often these eyes
are of a questioning matter
and with questions come unwanted answers
or none at all
the thing that kills is
not knowing which is worse
these eyes fear rejection but much more
the unknown
because they do not know and are completely scared
that what lies behind these eyes is not
what lies behind yours.

A jar of green, glass
transparent and strong.
on a bookshelf neglected.
tiny strips of writing cover the bottom.
one by one they spill out of the mouth.
these little messages in a bottle
tell of a girl
little notes that tell of a life still living:

i want to be skinny.

singing makes me happy.

if only I could write forever.

sleep.

i finally know what I want to do.

just breathe.

elephant's never forget.

i never forget.

i loved you so much.

*i miss you.

With twist and turns and crumbled sheets
I lay awake to only hear you speak.
that sweet sound that makes me fly,
the same that made my stomach knot
when you whispered goodbye.
and I long and pray for just one word
and send tiny notes on carrier birds.
to travel distances strange and far
to reach your window pane
somewhere, wherever you are.
and if that pane is frosted white
when these spilled out thoughts
have reached your hand
a year has passed, darling.
believe it or not,
always and forever,
where you left,
I still stand.

I could tell you everything
and it would be okay.
No worries, no regrets.
there wouldn't be that creeping awkwardness
that makes us shy.
we could sit next to each other
and not feel guilty of our roaming thoughts.
Or hands.
and it would feel like only you and me.
a tremendously textbook loneliness
that was flawless.
It would rain, lightning would light up the sky,
thunder would tremble our hearts.
and when all is done, there'd be no need for words.
Because you would just know.
if only

You broke me bad and I knew you would.
Yet, I still fell harder and harder for you.
Now I only feel my back against my bed,
and all I see are twinkling lights above my head.
Thank God for the rain and its company, sound.
But sad. Each drop is doomed as it heads for the ground.
And like these drops, I too was in free fall.
Until you became the earth and ended it all.

Do you ever feel like you're drowning
with anchors tied to your feet
and you just feel so lost in this world of hatred
and there aren't enough words to speak
up to the authority and give them all you've got
but you've been turned down so many
and your stomach's bunched in a knot
as you hold back your tears and your eyes welt up
thinking to yourself what am i really made of

and i wish i was skinnier,
i wish i was strong enough to not eat
but i also wish i loved myself ,
or had someone to love me.

They say it all gets better
and tell me its going to be okay
but what if its not.
and i know it won't be today,
or tomorrow, the day after, and the next
and then i think to myself
what will i have left.
i want to change so badly
but I'm scared as hell
because you always hear them say
you have got to love yourself.
but society is so ****** and contradictory
how can i love myself, if i can't truly be me.

and i wish i was skinnier,
i wish i was strong enough to not eat
but i also wish i loved myself ,
or had someone to love me.

so please do me this,
and promise me dearly
that you will love me for me,
and not for what i should be.
because i will love you for who you are
not for who you aren't
and i swear to the moon and back
you'll always know where my heart is.

i feel so empty…

and i don't want to move…

  i just want to sleep…



forever...

jump into my car
do not fasten your seat belt
roll down your window

turn up my music
sing as loud as you can
and start dancing in your seat

scream at the top of your lungs
feel the wind through your hair
and take a deep breath

as i step on the gas
forget about my brakes
and let go of the wheel

let the acceleration take you in
and keep count of the breaths you take

take notice of your heart
pounding through your chest,
and the wings of the butterflies
in your stomach.

listen to your thoughts
remember what is important
who is important.

and take one last look at where you are
what you are doing
who you are with
and who you are...

...as we crash.

ten years.
it has been ten years.
and it will be decades more.

your voice is a distant song,
your smile a faint dream.

the sound of your laughter is inaudible,
and your sense, your touch cannot be remembered

photographs are snapshots of our lives
capturing such a profound tiny moment of time
that often goes unnoticed,

until you come across it somewhere along the line
and realize how significant and unappreciated it once was

until you know that they are not coming back
that they cannot come back

and their smell
their smile
their laugh,
their touch,
is gone

and until you long to hear them sing you to sleep
and pray for them to hug you,
and wish that they can just be there,
even for just one second..

you find that missing them is not enough,
it will never be enough.

I have always said
we were meant to
say goodbye..

That one day,
it would come down to it
and I would just leave,
so neither of us would
hurt anymore..

That one day,
it would become just
to hard to bear..

That one day,
you would wake up
and not even know
I was gone..

I have always said
we were meant to
say goodbye..

I just did not
think it would be
this soon..

Nor did I expect
you would be the
one to say it..

With every thought, with every curse,
you only seem to make it worse.

Yet I keep coming back, no matter what i see,
and there you were staring back at me.

To look in your eyes and feel pure bliss
It was as if the stars finally answered my wish.

Seeing me cry, and watching me smile.
But i can only wonder if you would just stay a while.

I have told you once, I will not say it again
But how can i be sure, this time, you will still be my friend.

                           Around the corner and to my heart,
                           And here we stand, worlds apart.
                           A sea across will make its stand.
                           With all that is lost, yet here I am.
                           A whole year's worth of losing it all.
                           And finally it is your turn to catch me
                           when I fall.

I can feel the rain coming,
feel the thunder rolling in
feel lightning's anticipation.

I hear the wind's warning,
and her eery way of sending me away.
but I want to stay.

and though she calls for shelter,
the grey looming whips of clouds
are comforting to me.

so I wait.
I wait for them to start the storm
that always calms me.

to feel the beauty of the rain.
to hear beauty in the roaring.
to see flashes of beauty in the sky.

every bit is wondrous,
and together they create disaster,
they cause destruction.

but the aftermath is peace,
it is silence,
it is a new beginning.

and that is what makes it so, perfect.

Hello?

                Can you hear me?

Have you forgotten?

                 Am I placed out of memory?

Have you given up on me?

                 I think you need me.

You need to remember.

                 but you have to listen close,

For i cannot be seen.

                 You must never give up on me

or forget that I am always here.

                                                  Please,

                                                        Come find me.

                                                                           Love,

                                                                                    *Hope

Dear my lovely soon to be,

you were sitting at the cafe when I saw you.
sitting in the corner, with your music playing.
keeping quietly to yourself, thinking.

I did not mean to stare, but what can I say,
you caught my eye.

an elderly couple walked in, the bells chimed,
their time telling aged hands intertwined.
it made me smile.
knowing that love can last.

He ordered his coffee black, no sugar.
She ordered her tea, milk, two sugars.
He nudged Her jokingly and said,
" Don't worry sweetie, I got it this time."
as if He had not paid for Her every
other time throughout their long life together.

they searched the small eatery
only to find that all seats were taken.
at that moment you looked up ,
and without thought, gathered your things.
you directed the couple to where you were sitting,
told them it was rightfully theirs.
He shook your hand as if you were old friends.

you turned to walk away, and met my smiling eyes,
along with my now rosy blushed face.
not knowing what to do I turned away
thinking how I could let you catch me staring.
looking up hoping you were gone,
but secretly wishing you stayed,
there you were, unexpectedly.

you smiled, sat down, reached across the table
took my hand, and said,

" Hello, I'm Brian.
I couldn't help but notice you looking,
but don't worry, I only noticed
because I was looking, too."

With all the love in my heart,
yours now and forever..

A tear slowly makes its way down her face
And this time, she cannot catch it.
Instead her sadness spreads like wild fire
Igniting every thought in her mind,
Lighting all that she knows and all that she wishes.
Dreams turn to bright embers.
They burn magically while quietly dying with each passing second.
Silently dancing, Waiting,
For a breath of hope to restart their short lived lives.

And she drops to her knees at the mention of the end.
And tears drop like small waterfalls.
She brings her hands to her face,
And falls the rest of the way to the ground.

The only thing stable, the cold wet grass,
Embraces her wholly.
It holds tight all her broken pieces, until she can stand again.
But she may have waited too long this time,
And certain parts will not mend.
She needs to forgive, but cannot forget.
The past is the past,
moving on is all that is left.

Hollow images through broken glass.
A flustered reflection, wandering eyes.
A face unknown, once told a tale of beauty,
with sparkling smiles, and shimmering expressions
Frozen in time, paused for a moment, staring.
Staring through your very being.

As it stands in silence,
Holding hands with what could have beens
and breaking bonds, reaching out
to what will be.

You take a breath, and hold it
for fear of losing it shakes existence as we know it,
to the core.
Though a cracked smile shares a sense of hope,
it masks the longing to be found
the eyes hold so dear.

As if taking a leap, you breath out.
Praying that one sigh passes through the glass
without shattering all that is left.

you free fall.
your heart beats.
butterflies flutter.

One wish shadows every thought in your mind,
and your reflection catches their breath.
Maybe the next person to steal your heart,
won't return it broken.

a meadow.
a vast luxurious meadow.
filled with a sea of knee- high mysteries.
all hidden by the endless sway of lime colored grass.
a beautiful sight's to be seen as the gentle wind
graciously causes wishes to take flight,
through magical spores of white.

almost like falling into a cloud
nature's hands reach out and
catch you with the ground

and with that comes a break.
a break in time, reality's ticking
has stopped, for only a moment.
for that moment, the world paused
and recognized your existence.
the same way you recognize its beauty
there is no greater feeling than that of something magical.

like billions of wishes blown into the sky,
knowing that hope soars because of one breath.
time is captured in its very essence,
in a place filled with knee-high mysteries.
a meadow.

Soft, blushing, white-pink petals
bloom from the young eyed naive.
With reaching hands, their branches
pry and ***** at the crisp cold air.
Stretching to find notice,
yearning to grasp existence.
Day after day they listen to the almost
inaudible pitter patter when the sky cries,
and pay close attention to the invisible force
that whispers quietly while passing.
All the while, there is no answer.
In bouncing reflections they look,
though they do not see.
They cannot see.
past the rippled perception,
past the clear mask of emotion,
like a blind man expanding his fingers
diving into the foggy abyss,
aimlessly wandering.