not depressed
just sad
i can admire
the beautiful things
i can smile
and feel happy
but when i'm alone
i feel
incredibly
and abnormally
alone
the worst is when
i'm with people
yet i still feel
so alone
i cry at night
after the day is done
when the sun
goes down
when the stars
are shown
i can't help it
i'm not depressed
just sad
maybe not lonely
just alone

it's hard
to hold on
and it's getting harder
i'm not sure
if i can hold on
much longer
sometimes
i wish
i was stronger
but all i can do
is hang on
and fight
a little harder

i looked at her for a while
she isn't the same person
i knew a year ago
wears a little more makeup
lost too much weight
dresses to impress
stays up extra late
talking to her lover
depriving herself of sleep
scared of closing her eyes
scared of nightmares too deep
doesn't have as many friends
though it may appear she has more
a different person inside than out
constantly fighting an internal war
after staring at her and thinking
about who she was
and who she is now
i walked away from the mirror
and put the pills down

started off with a pen and a pad
thought it would just be a fad
scribbling down my thoughts
writing is where i get lost

started off with some ideas
thought they would eventually end
scribbling down my feelings
writing became my new trend

started off a beginner
thought i would be a quitter
scribbling my thoughts of depression
writing soon became my obsession

have you ever thought
about how you could just end it all
all of the stress
the pain
the grief
the misery
have you ever thought of how
how you could end it all
with the least amount of pain
the least amount of suffering
just pop a few extra pills
let them take over your body
without you even noticing
until all of a sudden
your legs go limp
and your vision goes dark
and you get dizzy
and suddenly
you're too weak to stand
and you're lying on the floor
unable to move
your organs shut down
and you hear yelling from across the house
someone yelling to stop
all you hear is the sound of feet
hitting the floor at a hard
rapid pace
getting louder and louder
then you hear a high pitched sound and it doesn't stop
it keeps going
like a heart monitor
after a heart stops
but it's too late
too late to stop
too late to turn back
too late to change your mind
and suddenly
everything goes black
it's all over
after all,
this is what you wanted right?

the constant daily reminder
of what i have to live for
your face
the only thing that keeps me here
it's a curse.
when i think
there is nothing left to live for
that there is nothing left i love
your face burns in my mind
it drives me insane
when all i want is to be nothing
you refuse to leave my brain
you stay there
until i decide i too should stay
you make me want to live
to see another day
and for that i am grateful
yet filled with hate
little do you know
you're saving me
yet keeping me
in the world
i was trying to escape

just when i feel
as though i can't breathe
as though i'm about to fall
as though i've hit rock bottom
the impossible happens
things get worse
the weight on my shoulders
it gets heavier
my palms
they get sweatier
my grip loosens
i can't hold on much longer
yet some how
i'm still holding on
still fighting
trying to be strong

i promise you
you'll make it through
you've got a whole life
ahead of you
don't let it
go to waste
you've got a bright future
and a beautiful face
don't end it all
because
you want one phase to end
keep fighting
and push through
you'll make it out alive
good as new

can't breathe
body burning
chest on fire
heart in flames
no oxygen
no breathing
no sounds
no speaking
nothing but
a heart barely beating
burning hot
burning cold
then just cold
stone cold
numb
frozen
suffocating
not from lack of air
from lack of love
lack of life
lack of will to live
lack of happiness
a puzzle in which
i do not fit
suffocating
but not by pillow
not by blanket
not by choice
the things i cannot control
are the things
that are slowly killing me
suffocating me
no one to help me
no one to stop me
no one to save me
no one
just me

warm face
burning soul
heart on fire
heart stone cold
lost
insecure
dying
on the floor
your words
they hurt me
the pain
sharp as a knife
no cut
no scar
no blood shed
no skin torn
just the freezing
of my heart
and the burning
of my soul
never again
shall i be whole

your mask
has peeled off
along the edges
i begin to see
who you are
your true colors
your dark
betraying colors
you say
you mean no harm
but harm
is all you do
you hurt
and torture
the people you "love"
you **** them
over
and over again
i don't understand
how can one ******
the ones that they swore
they would unconditionally
take a bullet for

what is this
i'm feeling
i'm suffering
dying slowly
but i'm unsure how
is this what suffocating feels like
unable to breathe freely
unable to think clearly
unable to speak confidently
or am i drowning
unable to catch my breath
unable to swim ashore
unable to save myself
too far out for sure
too far out at sea
too far out of reach
too far out to be heard
silent and helpless cries
"save me"

in the black of night
i lay awake
wondering
how i ever got to this state
this state of mind
this feeling
of overwhelming consciousness
listen to me
i'm screaming
no words
no sounds
come out of my mouth
i am screaming
unable to gasp for air
slowly but surely
i fall
slip
crumble
unable to get back up
reaching hopelessly
hoping someone
will grab me
but no one is in sight
no one is near
for i pushed everyone
far far away
i am the only one here