I was a part of my own Secret Ops, seeking out shelter from affection. I do not need to be held but you are compromising my position. Every time you kiss my neck my heart goes off to the point where I can be detected on a sonar transmission and the last thing I need is for others to find me. I notice the small details of love when I'm around you, the way you rub circles into my thumb when you hold my hand as if you were winding up my heart beats like a child's toy so it can keep beating even after you're gone, how you run your fingers through my hair like it was sand on a beautiful beach and you just want to watch it slip between them, or how you smile after you kiss me like the whole world melted around you and the only thing left standing was me. But I did not ask for this, I was undercover when you tried to capture me. You rescued me once but I thanked you for that, I didn't know that you were still expecting gratitude. Do not be mistaken, I do not mind being the choice of lust because I will dive into those endeavors with you if give me the map, but I do not want this to be confused with the roads of love. I fear that this may end with twisted perspectives, and I never want to break your heart. I've found comfort in your presence for nearly a decade now and for that comfort to turn into discord would be a tragedy. I don't want to fall into anything with you other than your sheets, if you take my hand and plant kisses on me like flower seeds, maybe I'll start to grow on you but for now I enjoy my gardens in the ground so I can walk away without tearing out the roots.

Your feigned approval of me for the last few years has always been the root of my destruction. When you started taking out the screws that held me together, i held onto my structure for dear life as my walls and windows swayed. I turned into the Leaning Tower of Pisa as my frame settled lopsided, too eager to fall with one more blow. I became a tourist attraction with people who come to find out why i don't stand up straight anymore, why i tilt my paper to the side so i can write in a straight line, why i never seem to see things the right way. People take pictures of them feigning to be the reason as to why I'm so crooked with their arms extended as if they were the ones who pushed me. But Dad, they will never know why i look the way i do until they see your hands, dirtied with the rust of bolts and gun powder from placing these last bombs around me. I thought construction was over but i see it was just on remission, just a residual case of building. Of course you must return to finish the job. Welcome, dad, i know you've got the blue print on just how exactly to destroy me. You've set one bomb off tonight, how long until you release the others?

I love you
but you are not medicine.

You are not 21, college did not grant you 3 more years of life. Please be careful, this is my body too.
2. If you have come across beautiful minds to explore, don't be so quick to build a home yet. Start with a tent. And if they help you pitch it, things will be less likely to unravel.
3. On the first day, pack up your tent just in case. Because you are never the only being in a forest.
4. Don't bring a map, build one. Ask to explore the mountains and valleys and hills of them. Tell them it's for your geography project.
5. Don't really have a geography project.
6. When you come across a river, there will be no bridge. Others who have traveled here have probably turned back. Shock them, and swim.
7. People may try to stop you, but remember they may be the ones who don't know how to continue. Not everyone you meet is a blessing.
8. Not everyone you lose is a loss.
9. Listen to your mom, she's been through this before. Even though you are characteristically different, college is always the same.
10. If you find yourself missing someone who doesn't miss you, remind yourself that that is not love, that's co-dependence.
11. The difference between love and co-dependence is that one of them will burn you.
12. Love will never start the fire.
13. You don't need to be an architect to build your walls around you. Some people will tell you that you need blue prints but my father never once looked at directions and he created your home.
14. Don't bring the problems of your home with you. Nobody wants to see those shackles. Find the key, unlatch yourself, and run.
15. I know you are tired, but this is the way.
16. Keep your room clean. The clothes on your floor hold on to stress. If you keep everything in order, life will stay intact.
17. Know when to speak. Sometimes words are not as necessary as actions.
18. Step in love with yourself because if you fall, that means you have to find strength to get back up. Always keep yourself upright.
19. You are a universe in yourself, a crowded nebula of light. It's okay to get lost in yourself, because you will be immersed in the stars.

I have this theory that when you're born, you have a blank heart and God writes something on it like Happy or Sad or Angry and that's who you are. But I was born three weeks early because I think God wanted to write something on me so badly that He just couldn't wait. He thought he was so **** clever so He called me out early and wrote Unknown on my heart. I imagine Him laughing, drunk off wine telling everyone at the gates to look down and watch me fumble around trying to figure out what the **** He meant by it. Was I meant to be the laughing stock of the Gods? Or were they so unaware of my path that they didn't try to give me a predetermined one? Was God slurring "**** it, she'll figure it out"? I'm like a puppet with the strings cut, I don't know how to properly function without some guidance. But when God happens, no one really knows what to do, and that's why we have to pray. Because if God doesn't listen to us, then who will?