I was told just a bit ago that the woman i love with all my heart said she thinks she loves me and wants to be my wife and wants to start a family with me. she wants to stay single to get her mind clear and i will respect that because i could never imagine my life with anyone else but her. shes the first thing on my mind when i wake she never out of my thoughts ever shes always in my dreams and shes in my nightmares where i loose her and never get her back and then i die alone because if i dont have her i want noone then i wake up and its all a bad dream. all i ever want is her in my life forever. i know in the past i messed up bad but noones perfect and if i ever do get her back and we do work things out i will prove to her that i was the young guy who made mistakes and from them i have become the man who learned the hard way and am willing to do any and everything to prove to her ive changed and will be the man i should have been to her before. (To her) if you ever read this and you will i want you to know i love you and want to be the man i should have been the year we were together and if you can ever find it in your beautiful heart to forgive me for being a blind fool i do love you i do want you to be my wife and i do want you to be the beautiful wonderfull one of a kind mother of our hope to be children. i really do love you. you are my soul mate, my other half, my peace, my one of a kind, beautiful, ****, georgious gift that i so blindly pushed away. please forgive me and hopefully one day i will get down on one knee in a crowded place and and when i ask for your hand in marrage you will say yes and when that day comes i will hold you and never ever ever let you go or repeat my mistakes or make new ones.

My mind is blurred, days feel like weeks, weeks feel like years, years seem like centuries, i dont know truths from lies, yes from no, me from some other stupid mistake making fool, i dont know what being in love is anymore, but i do know i want my life to be happy and to know what love is instead of heart break and pain. but as it sits now its nothing but a dream ill never get. Once i get that my mind will be a blur so heres to hope that one day it will be blur free. and heres to hope. happy st patricks day to all and happy early birthday to my self even though it wont be a happy one. it never has been sense i was a kid.

Ive given everything up to make everyone happy hoping i would eventually be happy but it seems as though god likes ******* with me. the woman i love moved while i was at work. i dont know if she even loves me like she says she does. i havent wanted anyone else but her. i tried to get her off my mind but i cant. i feel it in my heart that shes my soul mate, my better half, my everything but no matter what i do i just mess everything up and make  her hate me more. maybe gods plan for me was eternal damnnation and eternial lonelyness. maybe his plan was for me **** my self. i dont want anyone but her i never truely clicked with anyone but her. hell if i had to sacrifice my own life for her id do it in the bling of an eye or better yet faster than sound or light. i would do anything for her no matter the cost. but god has a sick twisted mind and every time im finally happy it gets ripped away from me. i have just about had enough of this ****** torture i want to just say ***** it and end it once and for all.

They say the alpha wolf is the biggest and badest of his group. Well If you ask me thats just in the wild, If you ask me we humans all have an animal spirit in us. This apirit is what makes us each different from one another because even though there are billions of us and only hundreds of animal soirits like an alpha wolf or a tigress, each one has different traits and feelings attached. Ill give you an example. I am an alpha but Im not the biggest and badest in the group. OK well maybe i am but Im the alpha because I wont back down from anyone wanting to hurt my friends and family Im alpha because I stand up for those of us who have been bullied or picked on and I am alpha because noone I know could take charge and lead our pack of outsiders but I did because it is wrong for people to be judge mental of others. If u want to join me and my pack your welcome but know this if you are just going to back stab us I personly will take you down.

I love her but she wants to video "him" i dont know what hes told her or what they have done or talked about. im doing everything to get her love and trust back. she says i have the giggest part of her heart but she still talks to him. it hurts me to see her do anything with him. I hurt her and i regret it amd she was going to go suicidle amd i tried to talk to her to get her back to tthe way she was but she pushed me away from it and he "saved her" i tried and she doesnt see it but it runs through my mind that i have tje biggest part of her heart yet she doesnt want me back (not yet anyway) i just hope that shes going to come back to me soon. if not then **** me i cant imagine life without her in it. i just wish she would get some sense and just ditch him for good hes no good for her and we all try to tell her but she doesnt listen. i hope all she wants is to be friends with him and thats it cause if her heart mostly belongs to me he shouldnt even matter that much. so if she doesnt accept my appoligies and doesnt get back with me just end me cause i be in hell and torment till the day i die all alone.

When will this real life nightmare end? I think id rather be put through chinese water torture. atleast id never break under pressure. but as long as we r judt friends its going to be hell. i dont think this migrane filled nightmare will ever end untill i geet her backk in my arms forever and finally call her mine again.

My minds going so fast im suprised i havent crashed yet. the girl i love hasnt given me the ok to have her back but i feel she will soon. shes moved back in and we have all started to forgive her. ive already forgiven her and im **** everything as a friend that a man in love would do. ill do everything right this time down to the feet rubs. ill get over any and all fears i have for her. ill crush mountains and move continents for her. i just want to hold her and never let her go again.

I love her and want no one but her but i came home from work and her stuffs gone along with her. i am just goin to give up. i moved back home cause she said we need to fix our stuff.  So i did and i have done everything for her to show her ive changed but i think shes just done. so be it i will be alone untill she realizes that im the best choice for her cause no one else loves her as much as i do. Just put me out of my pain and suffering im done living torture everyday. either someone end it or help me get her back because i really dont want anyone else ever.

My mind onnce again is cluttered and im getting my head ache from hell back. im in a never ending pool of mixed emotions. its gotten to the point im so lost and confused i dont know the real me. maybe i was ment to be alone. im not certain of anything any more. maybe the world would be better off without me.

My mind is a massive wreck and i keep digging for the answers i seek but theres so much junk in there it impossible to dig through. i will never give up because i am looking for a way to get her back for good i can only hope that in do time i get her back and get to call her mine and i will never let her go again.

My prayers have been answered and they will be my resurection. my mind has finally cleared and ive found a slow spot to just put curise control on. im finally at ease and want to stay there forever cause its relaxing. ive finally found my destination and although i am far away from getting where im going im atleast on the right path to where i see my future.

Im still hopping that things work out between me and her but right now shes just stressed. her family doesnt seem to care for or about her, her adoptive family doesnt seem to care and her recent ex seems to care but i know hes just using her. i found out about them and the 3 of us talked and he said he wanted to blow his brains out but i said in a fake joking matter that a cianide pill would be faster i hate him. yea he kept her from killikg her self but i tried to and she just pushed me away. My friends all ask me what i think about their bfs and i honestly said it wont last and every single one was right. i didnt and still dont see her and him ladting but she thinks its just because im jelious it is but i really ment it. i really dont see her and him lasting and i dont like seeing her hurt it kills me that i hurt her like i did and i will do everything and anything to make up for it. i just want her to be mine. she said she needs a few days to think and get things straight then i can ask her back. so heres to hope that i get her back for good. and this time i will treat her like i should have.

This mess of a head ache is never ending. nothing i liked before intrests me. video games are a bore, sleep makes my have nightmares, love ripps at my skin from inside, thoughts try to flood my mind, some certain thoughts make me sick but i just cant erase them. i just want to go back and fix my mistakes but i just cant. the woman i love loves me but while we were apart i messed up and she got with another and she loves him too i dont want to and cant bare to loose her again it will be soul shattering and heart aching. i just bpbipmn mngwant to be the man i should have been but the way its going it sounds like shes thinking about getting back with him but i dont know her anymore. she used to be easy to read but anymore i can only tell when shes lieing. im just in a ****** sea of confusion and mixed up e pmotions. i dont want to loose her cause if i do my life will be short and pointless.

These animal spirits i always speak of if you look deep in your heart and soul are real. believe what you want but my animal soul as my followers know (one in particular) is an alpha wolf. ive hade only 2 names for him and he answers to both the first is wolfie, he got that name the first time i felt his presence. the second name is midnight because like me he has a temper and when im mad enough he comes out and doubles my anger. but like me wdme all have an inner beast. if you want to know your animal spirit message me what your personality is like. dont worry it will stay between you, me and my woman cause she has joined me on this topic. its easier to do it in person but i can still do it this way.

I never prayed so hard for my heart to be mended by the woman of my dreams but no matter how hard i try to fix things i just mess them up. why must this "god" mess with my heart like it is? Im a good person i do stupid **** and im fixing my life so she will come back to me but no matter what i do i just mess everything up. This year alone i have prayed more than i have my whole life and every time its like he or she or what ever heard them just likes messing up my life. i get the prayers answered then once im happy its just stops. im so ****** at this force that i think this ****** world is just here to make me miserable to the point of self death. ive never thought of suicide but its popped up a lot lately. and its getting to the point of i am about to listen to it and just go for it. i mean what do i have to loose? Im nothing in this hell hole except a tool for a higher being to mess with like a **** lab rat. ive just about had it with the torment im close to just giving jnto the voices telling me to just end it flr good.. i am nit the person i want or ment to be im just a loveless nobody. my friends are all out casts and i am their leader because i thought none of them were able to take on the role but even i am wrong as i always am. my family says im not an outsider or ann outcast but to me i say and know different. i worry about this woman who completes my life because shes had a hard life and i want to be there for her to protect her for ever so she can finally take a break and be worry free but no matter how hard i ry to be there to give her everything she needs and deserves i just mess it all up. ill be dead soon by stress so talk to me while you can.

They say hope begins in the dark, but most just flail around in the blackness searching for their destiny. The darkness.... for me... is where i shine.

Work work here to stay it makes me want to sleep all day, work work here to stay why cant it just go away?,  work work it seems you won but remember this and remember it well, at the end of the day i think i speak for us all that you can burn in hell.

Ive been running around for 20 yrs and i think im just running on fumes. ive never been good for anything ever. all i do is mess up in life and hurt the ones i love and care for and the ones i hold close to my heart. all ive ever wanted was to be happy, to make my family happy and to make the people i have been with happy but its just nit possible. either i can make my family and i happy or the person i was and am with happy and my self happy but theres no inbetween. i just put on a fake happy face and make the other 2 happy. but anymore im just running on fumes so i guess when i move out i can just fill up my tank but untll then i guess a fake smile is all im good for. to all who read this take my advice if u have ever been unhappy and pray for something to go your way like i have just hold onto it and dont make promises like i did and go back on them it only gets you in deep trouble. and if anyone i know reads this or my family reads this just know that ive tried and im sorry im not a god figure and make everyone happy. its not possible and probly never will be.

Everyone everywhere has some kind of purpose. Thats the reason certain people comeinto your life, thats the reason young love hurts and how we become stronger as humans, life is the reason we as humans love, laugh, cry... but most important is to have emotions and feel these as what we call pain or love. I know people have religion but Im athest i believe peoples spirits go on and instead of becoming people again they become animals (read one of my earlier writings) but our animal spirits arnt just another thing to describe us as humansthey to me are what our souls become with death.

Day by day life goes on, every night brings the end for some of us the rest make it for another day. We have all lost someone close more and more everyday I wish I could save the ones that have passed on and protect the ones not yet gone but I cant so this is for all who have lost someone or many people close to you like i have. May their souls rest easy, And may they find peace where ever their spirit may flow. I wish every one reading this the best. Also to the all who read this I just want to say may you find happiness and joy to fill in the hole where regret is taking up let go of regret and look to the future because regret is your past and no one can change that.

Time stops, I sleep for hours, days, weeks. And when I finally awake, I'm still a creature of the dark.