there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the ****** and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to ***** up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

Either peace or happiness,
let it enfold you

when I was a young man
I felt these things were
dumb, unsophisticated.
I had bad blood, a twisted
mind, a precarious
upbringing.

I was hard as granite, I
leered at the
sun.
I trusted no man and
especially no
woman.

I was living a hell in
small rooms, I broke
things, smashed things,
walked through glass,
cursed.
I challenged everything,
was continually being
evicted, jailed, in and
out of fights, in and out
of my mind.
women were something
to ***** and rail
at, I had no male
friends,

I changed jobs and
cities, I hated holidays,
babies, history,
newspapers, museums,
grandmothers,
marriage, movies,
spiders, garbagemen,
english accents,spain,
france,italy,walnuts and
the color
orange.
algebra angred me,
opera sickened me,
charlie chaplin was a
fake
and flowers were for
pansies.

peace and happiness to me
were signs of
inferiority,
tenants of the weak
and
addled
mind.

but as I went on with
my alley fights,
my suicidal years,
my passage through
any number of
women-it gradually
began to occur to
me
that I wasn't different

from the
others, I was the same,

they were all fulsome
with hatred,
glossed over with petty
grievances,
the men I fought in
alleys had hearts of stone.
everybody was nudging,
inching, cheating for
some insignificant
advantage,
the lie was the
weapon and the
plot was
empty,
darkness was the
dictator.

cautiously, I allowed
myself to feel good
at times.
I found moments of
peace in cheap
rooms
just staring at the
knobs of some
dresser
or listening to the
rain in the
dark.
the less I needed
the better I
felt.

maybe the other life had worn me
down.
I no longer found
glamour
in topping somebody
in conversation.
or in mounting the
body of some poor
drunken female
whose life had
slipped away into
sorrow.

I could never accept
life as it was,
i could never gobble
down all its
poisons
but there were parts,
tenuous magic parts
open for the
asking.

I re formulated
I don't know when,
date, time, all
that
but the change
occurred.
something in me
relaxed, smoothed
out.
i no longer had to
prove that I was a
man,

I didn't have to prove
anything.

I began to see things:
coffee cups lined up
behind a counter in a
cafe.
or a dog walking along
a sidewalk.
or the way the mouse
on my dresser top
stopped there
with its body,
its ears,
its nose,
it was fixed,
a bit of life
caught within itself
and its eyes looked
at me
and they were
beautiful.
then- it was
gone.

I began to feel good,
I began to feel good
in the worst situations
and there were plenty
of those.
like say, the boss
behind his desk,
he is going to have
to fire me.

I've missed too many
days.
he is dressed in a
suit, necktie, glasses,
he says, 'I am going
to have to let you go'

'it's all right' I tell
him.

He must do what he
must do, he has a
wife, a house, children,
expenses, most probably
a girlfriend.

I am sorry for him
he is caught.

I walk onto the blazing
sunshine.
the whole day is
mine
temporarily,
anyhow.

(the whole world is at the
throat of the world,
everybody feels angry,
short-changed, cheated,
everybody is despondent,
disillusioned)

I welcomed shots of
peace, tattered shards of
happiness.

I embraced that stuff
like the hottest number,
like high heels, *******,
singing,the
works.

(don't get me wrong,
there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism
that overlooks all
basic problems just for
the sake of
itself-
this is a shield and a
sickness.)

The knife got near my
throat again,
I almost turned on the
gas
again
but when the good
moments arrived
again
I didn't fight them off
like an alley
adversary.
I let them take me,
I luxuriated in them,
I made them welcome
home.
I even looked into
the mirror
once having thought
myself to be
ugly,
I now liked what
I saw, almost
handsome, yes,
a bit ripped and
ragged,
scares, lumps,
odd turns,
but all in all,
not too bad,
almost handsome,
better at least than
some of those movie
star faces
like the cheeks of
a baby's
****.

and finally I discovered
real feelings of
others,
unheralded,
like lately,
like this morning,
as I was leaving,
for the track,
i saw my wife in bed,
just the
shape of
her head there
(not forgetting
centuries of the living
and the dead and
the dying,
the pyramids,
Mozart dead
but his music still
there in the
room, weeds growing,
the earth turning,
the tote board waiting for
me)
I saw the shape of my
wife's head,
she so still,
I ached for her life,
just being there
under the
covers.

I kissed her in the
forehead,
got down the stairway,
got outside,
got into my marvelous
car,
fixed the seatbelt,
backed out the
drive.
feeling warm to
the fingertips,
down to my
foot on the gas
pedal,
I entered the world
once
more,
drove down the
hill
past the houses
full and empty
of
people,
I saw the mailman,
honked,
he waved
back
at me.

Creyeron que era pálida, luego
la encontraron más viva que el
susurro colorido de un árbol de almendra,
estaba ahí llena de figuras de luz
paseándose como cisnes por su frente, entre
la gente, la espesa llama clara de sus pasos
fue inspirando a cada músico, a cada pintor
a cada hombre de traje de lino que caminaba
por el bulevar de los ángeles rotos, creyeron
que su voz era débil, mas cuando la escucharon
una trompeta de caballería anuncio su coro,
tenía tanto esplendor que hubiera dado le vida
a los hombres de piedra, y susurrar sus nombres
era el sabor de un almendro en los labios llenos
de ocasión para el disturbio de la inspiración,
en sus manos se formaban espigas de trigo
lleno de miel, de su espalda podían nacer
tanto gladiolos como destellantes oxidianas suaves,
creyeron que estaba dormida, pero ella ya andaba volando.

La molesta ansiedad de sentirse querido,
el nerviosismo que causa el pensamiento de poder ser olvidado,
los rencores,
la apatía,
los arrepentimientos,
las dependencias y las decadencias.

         Y de pronto todo se suprime.
      Todo se transforma.
Todo cambia.

Me libero de todo ciclo.      De toda rutina.
Me adueño de mi camino, y mi camino de mi vida otra vez pero como nunca.
  Las ganas de aprender, conocer y desprender dominan las dudas.
El rápido impulso sentir que todo es grande, y el tiempo es corto
lo mueve todo.  

          Me protege mi libertad, y yo a ella la protejo.

Y con escribirte no me refiero a dedicarte palabras,
  sino a describirte en ellas.
Me voy a detener un momento para comenzar un intento que está predestinado a ser uno de mis tantos actos fallidos.
Fallido porque las palabras no se acercan si quiera a la semejanza de los sentimientos.
Se me acaban las excusas pero nunca las razones.

Quiero,
   inhumanamente,
tenerte cerca segundo.

No sé si sea la nube de amor
pero desde antes de saber que era amor, y qué era amor, mi cerebro se acostumbró a verte así.
        Así de perfecto, así de necesario.
Retador,
seductor,
acogedor.

Haces que todos sean los extras de la película, las sextas personas del libro, y que la segunda tenga la misma importancia que la primera.
       Yo, tú. Tú, yo.
Es lo mismo.
   Semejanza tras semejanza.
Abastanza con discordanza.
Confianza sin tardanza.

Puedo terminar parada en un después sola, pero el presente será una marca más de mi pasado, y la quiero ahí.        Bien pintada.  Con tus colores.
Que hasta tu arrogancia tiene elegancia.
¿Cómo lo haces? A veces me llegan las sugestiones y cuestiones, y me cuestiono: ¿Para qué mi estancia? Circunstancia con distancia.

Pero me calla la respuesta.
     Tú y yo podemos con todo,
y también con nada.

Estoy
enamorada

de una paradoja andante.

Te miento porque te quiero,
        te quiero tranquilo y pasivo, como siempre has sido,
entonces creeme cuando te digo  será corto
y se nos irá todo al olvido.
Miedo del tiempo y del tiempo sin ti.
Sé estar sola pero no sin ti.