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as cliche as it is, its a feeling I can't escape
no other word could sum up everything in my life so perfectly
there is a certain numbness I have when I think of it
bitter, lifeless
just a color of my dark rainbow
wanting someone when its the wrong time is so exhausting
the right person - wrong time is about letting them live their best life, even if that means you aren't in it
its an empty feeling in my stomach, kind of like when im hungry but can't eat
knowing someone is better off without you but also wanting to talk to them every day is confusing as ****
pretending everything is ok is getting old fast
is this what maturing is like?
loving someone is bs
this ******* *****.
I miss your hands
the groove on your thumb
the freckle on your pinky
your soft palms intertwined with mine
how you used them to talk
how cute they looked while inside me
its been two years since I've felt your touch.
two years and I cant stop thinking of your **** hands
feeling restless
on the edge of a windowsill
The what if’s come pouring in
It comes in waves
A spectrum if you will
No, i wouldn’t ever do anything THAT stupid
Or would i?
Some days i just don’t know
Some days plummeting 200 feet would be easier than actually dealing with it
But what is IT that I’m dealing with?

those were thoughts of yesterday

Today, I’m thinking of what kind of ice cream I’m going to enjoy  

And tomorrow?  I haven’t thought that far
I do love the  beautiful butterfly between my legs but would gladly give it up for a day
Oh the things I would do to be able to *** at my convenience
Or not have to worry about shaving every last hair
Or if I got turned on, my ***** would be culturally accepted instead of being viewed as ***** if I were a female
If I had a ***** I would make sure I understand that no really means no
If I had a ***** I wouldn't have to walk with my keys in my hand, pepper spray in my bag, or a knife in my pocket
I could openly talk about my genitalia with out it being deemed inappropriate
I wouldn't be viewed as weak or incapable
My paycheck would increase
Just like Freud said, I, a woman, have ***** envy.
is someone who loves herself FIRST
She knows that she operates best when she takes care of her needs before others
She listens to her intuition because she know it will never fail her
She protects her boundaries because she knows her personal requirements matter and should be known
She unlearns judgement on things because she knows society conditioned her to think a certain way
She speaks up when she has something to say
She looks in the mirror with acceptance and without critiquing, because she knows that what she has to offer is more than what she will ever look like
She listens before she speaks
She recognizes the importance of her soul and knows she belongs just like everyone else
She realizes that she is NOT insignificant, that she has important work to do internally and externally
She holds herself to a high standard
She knows her dark clouds don't determine her worth
She prioritizes a healthy lifestyle
She laughs at little things
She is easily amused
She wakes up with a purpose everyday
She is who I'm becoming.
This is a note that I wrote to myself. Often, I see others and compare my life to theirs. I slowly realized that I was comparing my whole self to one small thing I saw someone else do differently. Because they did xyz differently than I did, they were so much "better". I realized that what I was comparing were things that I wish to be. Instead of self-sabotaging myself and comparing, I decided I would use that as a tool to learn what I want myself to grow into. "That *****" is a person who I admire and want to become. It is not a specific person. It is someone who I envision myself as. It is someone who's qualities I wish to adapt. It is someone who I know is hiding underneath my skin.
my biggest nightmare is falling into a routine
working day in and day out, never pursuing my real dream
the dream that people would tell me was never achievable, it wasn't a part of the scheme
I think about it often, that I did what others wanted me to do
It makes me scream until I'm blue
something I was once so passionate about, now Ive lost sight of that view
2012
Im 13 years old
Enter sandman is blasting in the background
Guns N' Roses posters plaster my walls
Im sneaking shots of Jim Beam while my parents are in the living room
Wearing all black because I'm a bad *****
Crying because I was born in the wrong generation
When its over, Im going to scream out of happiness until I lose my voice
When its over, I will leave my room
When its over, I will read that book I bought months ago
When its over, I never want it to come back
When its over, I will brush my hair
When its over, I will finally open my windows
When its over, I will make plans and keep them
When it's over, I'll let people meet the real me
When its over, I can do what I want because I'm no longer in control

When depression is over, I will be free.

— The End —