she was sad
not the "hopeful" kind of sad
not the bitter kind of sad
not the kind of sad "that just takes time"
it was the kind of sad
that kept her awake at night
the loneliness
the self-hatred
the fact that she would never be good enough
the fear of rejection
the worthlessness
all created a bigger and bigger space in her chest with each passing minute
and during the day
she faked smiles and laughed at jokes that she didn't really think were funny
she tried to fill the space with good music
and everything else that should make normal people happy
but all this just made the space grow bigger
her chest expanded like a big balloon
and she kind of hoped that one day
the balloon would become big enough
so she could just float away

if you were mine
i'd kiss you all the time
i'd bring you your favorite food when you were sick
i'd let you pick the movie to watch
i'd hold your hand
and squeeze it to let you know how happy i am
i'd cuddle with you whenever you wanted
i'd send you the sweetest texts when you were sad
i'd make you laugh with all the stupid jokes i tell
i'd rest my head on your chest when we're watching tv
i'd write you nice poems like this
and put them in a box and save them
for when we fought
and so if one of us got mad at the other and walked away
i'd drive over to your house in the middle of the night
and place one of these poems on your doorstep
so that way you would know how much you mean to me
and how the fight that we had was stupid
and how perfect you are to me
it wouldn't fix it, not completely
but at least you'd know how happy you make me
and i hope that you would hug me
and tell me that everything will be alright
and i hope that i would be enough for you
because if you were mine,
you'd be enough for me.

this sadness drowns me
it pulls me under and rips every breath from my lungs
it makes my chest burn and my eyes water
my legs and arms are tired from grabbing onto streams of nothing
trying to pull myself out of this dark, dismal hole
my voice is barely there after screaming for someone to help
for someone to save me
for someone to free me
but nothing can free me
i'm sinking fast
but it feels like an eternity
i want to stop hurting
i want to stop this feeling
but i can't
i am nothing
i am worthless
and that's all i'll ever be
and all that is left of me is a drowning body
with no reason to stay afloat

i just want to lie down
and feel your heartbeat next to mine
i don't want to talk
i just want to listen
i want to hear about that time you ran away for a week
i want to hear the cracks in your voice when you talk about your family
i want to hear about how she broke your heart
i want to hear the sadness in your voice when you talk about your childhood
i want to hear about everything you've ever experienced
i just want to hear all these things
because i want to make them better
and if i can't make them better
i will listen
i will hold you until you feel okay again
i will stroke your hair until you fall asleep
and then i will lie there
and fall in love with you and all your little imperfections
that make you perfect to me

20 years from now
will you still think about me?
will you still miss me?
will you still want me?
and i can't help but wonder
20 years from now
will you still love me?

i just want you to know
i haven't met you yet
but i know that when i find you
i will love every part of you
from the matted hair on your head
to the freckles on your toes
you may not be considered beautiful to everyone else
but to me
you are perfect

on those sticky summer days
she loved the way the sky reflected the color of her eyes perfectly
she loved the way the wind washed over her body
she loved the way the sun felt upon her bare shoulders
but eventually it turned into fall
and she found a boy
that made her feel like the way she did during the summer
she felt free, happy, and beautiful
but soon, when it turned into winter
everything grew colder, even the people she loved
and then she felt alone, inadequate, and broken
it turned into spring
and she had lost her friends
she had stopped eating
she was convinced she would never be good enough
and when it turned summer once again
she wasn't there to feel the sun or the wind
and now her eyes were lifeless
yet the sky shone brighter than it ever had before
on a sticky summer day

if i could make everything better for you
i would
all i want is for you to stop hurting
because it hurts me too
and i die a little inside everytime i hear you say those words
or hear that you've taken a blade to your beautiful skin
it kills me
i know i might not have the right words to say to make it better
but i can hold you and kiss you and comfort you
and i can make you feel wanted
and if had to give up everything to make you happy
i would
because you deserve to be happy
you deserve it much more than i do

i hope it's okay
that i want to hold your hand all the time
i hope it's okay
that i want to kiss you all the time
and intertwine my fingers in your hair
i hope it's okay
that my favorite place in the world is right next to you
especially when you're sleeping and i can feel your chest move up and down
like the ebb and flow of the ocean
i hope it's okay
that your laugh makes me happy
and that your smile is something i survive off of
and that i do stupid things sometimes when you're sad
just to see that smile again
i hope it's okay
that i want to spend my weekends with you
going on roadtrips and letting the sun soak into our cells
listening to all our favorite songs
and realizing how bad they actually are and laughing at each other
because we can
i hope it's okay
that i want to make you happier than you've ever been before
and that i want to make you feel important
because you are
to me
and if that's the only thing i ever tell you it would be okay
because you deserve to know
and i hope all these things are okay
because i don't think i can ever not love you
but if you didn't want me the way i want you
and if you didn't love me the way i love you
and if you didn't want to do all these things with me
i would walk away
because you mean more to me than anyone else
and all i want is for you to be happy
and if i'm not enough for you
then it's okay

loneliness
is just a ten letter word
it doesn't mean much
but to me
it feels like much more
it is like a rock that has been tied to my soul
i am thrown into the dark abyss of the sea
with the waves kissing my face and dragging me under
the colors swirling all around me
and my feet and arms flailing
trying to pull myself back up to the surface
but i can't  
because this rock is pulling me deeper and deeper
and nothing can save me
soon i will hit bottom
but that's okay
because it will bring peace
peace is a five letter word
and hopefully it will only bring half the pain that loneliness does

how can you sit there and break someone down
and feeling nothing?
how can you cheat, lie, and deceive
and feel no remorse?
how can you treat someone so badly
and still expect the best from them?
how can you give nothing to someone
who gives you their everything?
i feel bad for a lot of people
but i don't feel bad for you
i feel bad for the people
that have been subjected to your torment
because when you're done with them
there's nothing left
you **** the life out of them
you leave them weak and breathlesss
you take all their happiness with you
and yet you still think everyone owes you something
but how does making someone feel little make you feel bigger?
i will never understand you and why you do what you do
but then again
i don't think i ever want to
because that would mean i would have to be like you
and i would rather die
than have to live my life with a heart as cold and emotionless
as yours

the closer you get
the faster my heart beats
you touch my hair
and i shiver with delight
your skin brushes up against mine
and i hold my breath
all i want is your lips on mine
i want to melt into you
i will give you everything i have
just to be yours
just for a minute
or a second
because you are what i want and what i need
and if i can't have you
then i don't know what my life would be like
but all i know is that with you in it
it is filled with light
so be mine
and we'll light up the world together

you made me feel inadequate
you made me question my self-worth
you made me hate my reflection
you made me skip that meal
all because i wanted to be good enough for you
you were the bullet
that shattered my soul
i bled out on the bathroom floor
murmuring your name over and over again
did you think i was bulletproof?
because i'm not
you broke me into a million pieces
but next time i'll know better
i'll protect myself
and i won't let you anywhere close enough to hurt me
ever again

my walls have been torn down
only to be rebuilt time after time again
but this time
i'm going to build them out of concrete
and i am going to bolt them to the ground
that way no one will be able to break them
maybe then
i will be safe
once and for all

when i look in the mirror
i can't appreciate what i see
i'm no work of art
i'm not beautiful
or special
i'm just a girl
who is overlooked
because i'm not the Mona Lisa
i'm just a ****** sidewalk chalk drawing
that was crated by the 8 year old that lives next door
i'm just ugly scribbles on the old concrete sidewalk
no one bothers to look
or to say "hello"
i'm just there
with cracks and flaws in my foundation
that no one bothers to repair
i'm a mediocre piece of art
if i even qualify as that much
and when the rain comes to wash me away i will be gone
but i won't be sad
because i know that even though i wasn't beautiful
or mesmerizing
or enchanting
i had a purpose
i was significant
and hopefully i meant something to someone
and for once in my life
i am happy

the little things make me happy
like getting a text saying
"i missed you today"
or
"feel better soon"
it just makes me feel really nice
and important
and like someone cares
it gives me hope
that maybe
just maybe
i'm not as alone as i think i am