i never espoused a conspiracy theory about it
"they dont want us to write"
but it is more of a dare
a triple dog dare
for when youre filled
and when youre boiling over
then, make it so that its hard to read
elusive dodgy and half true
undone and part mean
gushy
lump-throated
i dare you
triple dog
say a single true word

I don’t need it
The red string
Tied around my ring or index

I don’t need it
An “x” or heart
On the calendar

I don’t need it
A programmed number
Within any device at all

I don’t need it
Any fashioned reminder
Of you and your worth

You live with me
Constantly
On the tip of my tongue

I utter your nom de plum
In sleep
And I call after my mother with your name

As if in a canyon
Reverberating your whisper
This echoes in all the places

You are my favorite song
On repeat
And I soak in the melody that is your mouth

I don’t need a string
An “x”
Or a series of ten numbers
To remind me
Because you’re here
Holding my hand

And refilling my ink

cause im laying here under the projected stars
i turned out the lights
and made a trip to aeroponics
to pick up those fungi you so humbly requested
so put down your earl grey (hot)
take off your shoes
let your hair down with me
and lets look at the stars
not the ones out of the window
but the ones glimmering on the screen
and pretend we're just at the planetarium
back on earth
home
ill massage your feet
and we will proceed to laugh
and roll around under the consoles
but NO TICKLING
you remember what happened last time
ill tweak the access to the room
and you
you will pretend like this is
your first time
i will to
ill shake and shiver
and you
well you just be however you were
before you met me
authoritative, stern and expecting
not of child
but of an ensign who knows
how to get the job done
with nary an irregularity
earning every pip
for valiance in the line of duty
wounds endured in battle
courage under fire

there is no better shoe
breezed and open
leather soles
reeking from my trips
to here
and there
when i go to wash them
on sunday afternoon
i always find a stinging lizard
but i know its mostly my environment
if i could move
should i relocate
there should be far less pain
nothing to ***** about
a new space means
the denial of spiders of the mouth
denial of room temp pasta salad
denial of eat hate pray
please
let me wash your feet

To become aware of the single moment that needs interpreting
To be jolted from sleep between sheets creased in the tribulations of dreamscapes
Clammy hand pressed to neck you remember yourself
And before it slips and crumbles spiraling up to the cosmos it is captured
Pinch your eyes together and draw the cool water from the well

A friend’s arm around your shoulder; a sweaty smile, meandering through
The crowds of faces, each one drab and still, motionless for you
Tendrils of tenderness wandering o’er a body consumed in secret greed and corrosion
And the cheeky faced attached returning curiosity masked in love
Flitting up and down the stem of the one you knew to be yours
Yearning for her to open her petals and reward arduous labor
The repose of correcting ages of missteps and the satisfaction of
Correctly placing lost experience
Enjoying the rhythm pounded out by drums of progress, and then pacing
To one all your own
Reasserting brutal individuality in spite of legions upon legions of conformity
Then ironically setting the trend

Once seized, every vague trapping melts down weary head, past hunched back
Beyond knees bend to reach toe tip
Revitalized by the comfortable shade of your whole self, the parts unwanted, unseen
Usurped, intangible, inconceivable, and most illustrated purely glow
A self if surely sacked, a reanimated soul now softly speaks, and sexuality is assured in
Each slow step

i cant stop sneezing
it took me fifteen minutes to write that
its my birthday but i dont deserve it
i realize myself in sharp bursts
slices between when its all mechanical
closing one eye to type and record it
look at my filthy fingers
scrub cuticles and continue
what abhorrent keys
clean those
(sneeze)
behind me rhythmic tickling
(sneeze)
pirouette
(sneeze)

go ahead
put your feet up
make sure that everything is clean
because youre going to be sitting for a while

maybe rocking
but that just depends on your style
some people get out the stress like weirdos
personally, i just like to stare in the void vacantly

this isnt going to be some run of the ******* mill tussle
what this is
THIS?
this is a marathon pit fight
this is
blood and
teeth
and
flesh ripped
and left hanging

but you still stare into the void

because youve trained your whole life for this
and ill be ****** if anyone can take it from me

so on

and even the reprieves offer no consolation
when you get to sit in your corner
focused on the set across from you
plotting the next flurry

this transcends battle to the death
this is battle-to-the-death-and-then-the-guy-keeps-punching-the-other-til­l-he-dies
yes the visceral image of an incredibly old boxer
beating a corpse
and finally passing away from exhaustion

settle in

Please let me have several weeks
So that my anxiety can decompress
Several weeks
That I might feel comfort again
With you
Give me several weeks
So the furniture is gone
And we can properly pretend
That there is no history
Past or future
Only the present

Cause you don't need this
And this is just practice
For your epic
If you don't
Stop for a month of Sundays
And really think about
What it is you're writing
Who you're antagonizing
I guarantee that you'll never
Ever
Have time to formulate it all
Type for a month
And you'll never get far enough
To encourage bindings

NO more
Fix that
All that *******
That makes you RAMBLE
Yeah I said it
You run on at the mouth

Just kiss me
Tell me how you feel
With the mustached upper lip
And your fat bottom lip
Leave me mouth insides
That I have to wipe off

Several weeks before you leave me a poem like this
Don't do it.
I'll leave something that like this
Raucous. On blast. Larger than life.

Don't **** this up.
I JUST got you a job.

she begged
dont forget about me
dont let me go
kiss me before you leave
how could i
wish i didnt have to
here
mwah

i pleaded
take me home with you
here take my shirt
come back with me
how could she
she wished she didnt have to
no
i cant

above acorns
plosive "p's"
slurred and lisped "s's"
bare feet crying out
i began
humming
what used to be called
dub
we kissed
and
as our lips vibrated
cracked and dry
pseudo-moistened with
yesterdays scent
my smile showed first
then hers
then mine again

all too easy to close
the door clanged
and with a creak
the window revealed
what i was losing

one more for the road

i carved out a place for us
two abreast
clutching the other
palms touching

ive been whispering to you
but that kind of voice goes no louder
i tap you on that shoulder
and you spin around
while i grin

i thought you knew that
i was going to trick you
at any single cost
i had nary a single idea
that you would cross your arms
and stomp the rest of the way
through the forest
over the path that i cut

OooOoOOo!
flowers!
look
how big do you want your bouquet?
forget it.
let me just weave this one into your hair.

wanna skip?
im a skipping champion!

no?

uh, wanna climb that tree???
look at those limbs!

bugs, huh?

ummm, lets sit on the forest floor
just to pray
for the two of us.
yeah
lets do that

dont believe in god?
****

me either

well
i guess we could turn around
the sun isnt yet down
and i can still see the road
but we have come too far
im thinking its not in our best interest
just a bit more
i hear the other side is
MUCH more charming

here
get on my back
i got this

ok....
shoulders then
ok
ok
ow
yeah
thats it!
the view is WAAAY better up there

we left the hills of lebanon
through the fields
first poppy and then through the taller flowers
i need a new shirt
with a taller collar and french cuffs
we simply must
travel to damascus
80 kilometers over the mountains
wheels between villages
barren spaces and us
needing new shirts
on that last hill
we could see the whole thing
******* man look
we can see everything
all the seas and **** like that
****
...
you know i think i might need some new socks too

the winner of the sloth fight
is the one who stays awake longest

uh
so i win right

hey
hey
hey
are you awake
you awake

YEAAAHHH
i win!!!

oh ****
i think hes moving

the first person to fall asleep
has awaken
am i losing?
just because he lost
his grasp on sound slumber
i should hang my head in shame

*******

im still prancing
in the forest bed
holding up
all six of my claws
and grinning
in victory
that sloth grin

fine
lets call it a draw
im getting tired

yawn

i leaned to smoke
from film noir
the gritty grey frames
i first saw in cloudy rooms
completely antithetical to the vibrant blockbusters
from my childhood

if i can afford it
i still buy a non-filtered soft-pack
and puff them
three puffs just before
anything is inhaled
mostly for effect
drama

but when i cant
i just think of bogart
tear the filter off
and proceed

but it was never
so much about the act
drawing in a cloud
of overly-processed plant matter
but about the etiquette

if you have ever burned down
something without cotton
you know it is certainly a messy ordeal
but what hepburn and tracy taught
what grant and cagney spoke
with their actions of course
is that there is a reason to this madness

i practice
and i try to teach
that this is an elegant process

while taking in a deep breath
of something
you arent encouraged to love
without any health benefits
simply out of a base habit
some of that **** is going to get in your mouth

it may taste bitter too,
depending on how your buds are aligned,
but grow up
you cant keep just spitting where
other people will soon walk

they never did that
my heroes
instead
they stuck out
the tip of their tongue
pursed their lips
as the face made by
a baby on a commuter rail
staring at you
and you echo back
with a tiny poke
of your front 10000 buds
mostly for spectacle

and when that teensy bit emerges
within or without the train
you have to gently pick
with the forefinger and the thumb
the infinitesimal bits
resting at the tip
pluck them away
rub those two finger together
and pretend
that youre only smoking

and
if you arent looking closely enough
ill tell you
things are turning back into grey
and you turn RIGHT back into
the misogynist you hated
but emulated

youre still smoking though
handing out smokes in fact

holding up "the walls of jericho"
laughing at those
who dont know how
to fold a sheet

oh. but i pledge to quit
and you to change
and us to bond
and my smokes to wain

this isnt about the filter-less
that i had at 3am
its about what i commit
and what you
can respond with
how this can work
and the etiquette necessary

let me
let me
pick the fleck from the tip
of the teasing tongue
just for you
and you tell me
when i have something
in the place that
used to be my mustache

its pleasant to be warm
yes it was a pun
dont judge
cross my legs
and vent
i never knew my skin was so permeable
so inviting to the radiation
from internal nuclear fusion
well and fission too
puff the oak pipe
of navarro gold tobacco
and nod
smile
that sweaty-toothed smile
and nod
im warm now
but is there anything more active
than being cold
warm always seems false
when youre chilled
at least youre completely honest
NO *******
"im ******* cold"
taut
warm is so slack
investigating the disruptions of the slinky
piling trash up upon the heap

core this crisp fuji
i want the meat only
forget a shade tree
i want pitch black
this is not a time for a rocking chair
time for hanging upside down only

its true though
my epidermis is as holey as a sieve
pervious as cheese cloth
and it goes both ways
in and out
i fight for you
as much as i need to be fought for

no such thing as skin protectorate
or umbrella
or a silent moment for that matter
and never salient
or sober

better to just stare directly into the core
become blind
and be happy

i waited on you for weeks
calling and cooing
frumpy fighting

i need you to know
that heros hug
champions challenge

i waited to get wet
slippery and soapy
licking lickless
wounds

you
kick up your knee
gracefully and gently
hairy horror
firsted

hey
let me lead you
up siz-zag undulations of angles
gracefully grazing
carpet
us two

darling
let me lightly place you
upon the undone bed
shovel self in
down.pillows
dreaming
of each other
sweaty

and this is where im going to break the poetic form
youve told me. and i you. you know where and how
to find me when we are writhing and flipping around
and ill pick you up off the top of that news stand again
JUST JUMP i yell and you most certainly oblige once more
and that hug
that one that i was talking about earlier
the enclosure all encompassing
will be the act that save me from the last week
the goose pimple that perk all about
will make every single shift from thigh to knee relevant
propelling ourselves skyward and floating now

come with me
i know this one place
terrific tapas

So bright
And yet so cold
I unscrew you
So that a neon flora
Could shine
Above and empty room

Purple and green petals
Glowing in tubes
In the peripherals
Blue eyes shining
And flickering
Alongside the
Bolts striking the rod on the roof
Emblazoning momentarily with
Sharp and blinding
Flashing
Strobe like for
A split second
Followed by the thirty-two  inch sub
Fluttering
Making you quiver
And clutch the fuzz on the side

i fell from the stratosphere
leafy and light
and i thought of my brothers
deeply rooted in
the soil that provided me
such sold structure

they would never
my sisters, brothers and cousins
they would have never have guessed
allen would have
enamored her
right below
staring towards me
bright eyes and hoping
hoping

she doesnt know i wont fix it
she doesnt know
ill soon be the makings
of a steaming compost pile

i cant blame her
as i floated down
i saw all of the worlds beauty

i became attached to several things
things that would never wrap
anything around me

paper bag

i fooled her
but not by my own design
i am perfectly innocent
who else could i have been

perfectly manicured nails
snatched at me
and
crumpled up beneath
all ten of them
i was cast off

of the earth
i became
and am still becoming
and will be becoming
matter
for her
love
gia
earth

inside her i no longer need
to remember my flight
my descent
i am as much dirt
as i am american
honest
zoroastrian

my decomposition now
means as much as my flight
as much as my identity
as much as my life as a plant
as much as
well
everything
nothing

stay still
perfect and silent
stay any way youre going to be
stay if cranky
or too tired to keep your eyes
pried open
just stay
in fact
ill move half of the ****
from the small closet
closet?
**** that
i have five
just stay
sleep here
just like you are now
soft and welcoming
sweaty and chastising
sleeping with a skerple in your hand

that pig
pink and swollen
slots in its back
chastises me for my contribution
or lack there of
decorated with an enamel
floral and embossed
shaken and silent

im poor
and so are you if you didnt know
well we all are
i had this terrific idea yesterday
i dont remember it all now

but

it had something to do with holding hands
yours are slightly moist
and mine dry

i forgive you

It clawed me first
Dangling the honest red loop
That loop from the shirt
That one they tore
That one I cried over
That lover that shamed me
A patient of mine
losing. blood with with
no single transfusion
and you bite your nails
And I listen
Click
Click
Click
Take me to where the leafs are
I need to leave our pizza
And yours
Hold my hand my van Pelt
Don't leave me
Weep and dry your eyes
On my new necklace
Kiss me and share my salt

Why scratch?
I wanted to pet you
Superficially of course
But is that ******?

i was swimming
its more like flailing really
just trying to stay afloat
to return to shore
to move toward
a place where i could be sure-footed
or at least MORE sure footed
flapping my arms like this
hell
i would have settled for quicksand

thats when i realized how blue the waves were
how clear
the medium that housed
the vibrantly colored guppies
the sunset that illuminated them
palpabale and tactically enticing
clouds that you could
both consume and caress
how warm the water
how cool the breeze

then a relaxed posture
a calm breast stroke
to the nearest outcropping
and after i approached
scaled it to its pinnacle
bare feet and hands
****** now for good reason
but here i stand
atop lush grass
drip drying
with a view towards
the place where i floundered

ill stay up top
here with the magnificent view
you take the "hi" road
and ill take the high road
as long as we meet here
at the overlook
as long as we hold hands
gaze towards to waves
time the tide
encounter enchantment

we can swim later

Im digging through the log
looking for where it started
at least the clean stuff that i didnt delete

im about 200 taps in
"load earlier messages"
is going to haunt me
my dreams
i hope they have a sound track
sugar ray, perhaps

i need to lay my eyes on
the first thing you said to me
with that fancy new number of yours

seriously
ive been doing this for an hour
ive only gotten back to march
MID-MARCH mind you

but if i had to be honest
the suspense IS NOT killing me
with every tap
of that god forsaken roll-over
i get a different glimpse
of how we used to be
and how we are irrefutably now

there are times where you
dont even show up in my dreams
all i find
a black tank top
comfy black ******
a copy of atlas shrugged
and a signed cannibal corpse ticket

and NO
i dont put them in
my dream ***** pack
OR smell them
OR pass them out to strangers

i leave them there
i leave them there because
i know that your coming back for them
you left them under the street light
to let me know that you
are just popping in for a pint
just around the corner

though my first instinct
jealousy of course
might take shape
before i had the chance to
rub my eyes
sober up
and actually have a constructive thought
i have to admit
a creature as perfectly sculpted as yourself
walking clad in nothing more
than an original colored landing strip
into ANY public house
would get a better pour
than the next ten thousand

so i fold your clothes
stack them neatly
where you can find them
find a respectable framing shop in the area
that would still be open this late
frame that ticket
dead center
on black matte of course
and pick up your book
until my eyes are too heavy to wait
and my mouth too dry
to turn the pages
and i lay down
head atop a tank
toes inspecting the texture
of the sidewalk
until i awake

again
alone
and as ardent as ever

i was in a terrible accident
one of those classic floor waxing accidents
scarred my face
FOR LIFE
i cant fill out my mustache anymore
my right side
near the corner of my mouth
BARREN

then there was that other one
terrible accident
folding clothes this time
SCARRED FOR LIFE
standing over a table
repetitive motions
each and every arch absent
DEFLATED

oh god remember that one
scarred for life
accident etched in
ORGANIZING RECORDS
the shelf collapsed
the knick knacks from the top shelf
cracked Funkadelic
NO MORE FUNK

and while i lament
****** stache
flat feet
broken record
real things happen

like that zit between my eyes
overgrown shrubs
1080p overheated

i mean things REAL people care about

you knew
and now you know
the ways that i loved
did i use PAST TENSE
that wasnt me
it was the cat typing
i wouldnt insult you
brilliant person you
there is no hate here
i bleed for our kind
the two of us
denied
both denied and yearning
there is no abuse that can resolve
no chastisement to
cause me to perjurer
i have nothing for which to lie
about or for or with
open as a book i smile
smirk even
wag your finger my way
shake a fist
stomp me
i dont move
unless given permission

caressing you
the nape of your neck
towards the dimples on your back
flirting with every finger
to a jazz rhythm
making every pore pert
dreaming about our love
waking you up most subtly
coaxing you back into the bed
back toward the place where we
have the best memories
STOP
that tickles
and to write this
only to the be coaxed back
come cuddle with me
i oblige

the best nut

the best nut
is the one that
can name all the nuts
that develops new spellings for her name
every. day.
the lady that
pokes the out lenses
from old women's glasses
and gives them to me
that snort-giggles
in. her. sleep.
writes fan fiction
for star gate sg1
listens to disney soundtrack 45s
on 33 setting
shoplifts pez dispensers
takes plants as souvenirs
and wakes up at 3
to brush her teeth
the best one
dances alone in a mexican resturant
gives herself dutch ovens
and poses for photos
fake asleep
covered in snacks
hates recess
loves shirt no pants

but the best
the BEST nut
is the one that sustains
the most grueling cross texas trip
to put up with me

regular delivery
it arrived with the standard 8 vertices
rigid and battered
******* box

i kicked it around the house
oh bout two months
maybe three
till i got sick of lookin at it
it started kicking me back
hard as hell
and right where it counts
you know what im talking about
chunking it out the window
never worked
just re-delivered
i had to sign for that *******
every time
my john hancock is all over it now

i should open it
rip back the crumpled packing tape
and just peer in

and when i did
and that rip stopped echoing
in the cave that is my room
and the moldy ***** were pulled back
the cavity was exposed
a cool gust shot up
curled back my mustache
and made me grin
like i just saw a russian blue
do a back flip

funny too
it smelled like you
sweet perfume
and that ***** drawer whiskey
i gasped and tried to **** it all in
to ghost that hit of you

i stuck my head in
to get all of it
licked the inside of the cardboard
for each last scrap

i made each fold into origami
crane
dragon
turtle
rabbit
so on

and just before i knelt down
to pray for another breeze in a box
i opened a window
and sat with my feet dangling
grinning with you all over me
sure that a wind
would soon blow up from the south
warm and loving
fragrant and laughing
to smack me
just when i need it most

i only went in for the chocolate fountain
not because i was hungry
i just wanted to stare at it
the velvety mahogany
liquid polyurethane oozing
i stuck my hand in
to feel it
warm and loving
embracing every pore
and thats when they grabbed me
chocolate dripping from each digit
onto a magenta floral pattern
adorning the space beneath
the feet of the sheep
head long
dragged
gazing above me
toward gaudy chandeliers
with the clanging and luminous oscillation
of one armed bandits
secure in my peripherals
i was ejected
lifting myself
i left a very ****** looking hand-print
saluted the floor security
scowling in my vacinity
and tasted my finger

it shook there above his head
all ten fingers
sweaty palm too
quivering so as to make
you do the same

sometimes thats all it takes
to make an orphan like you
burst into the tears
that only a child can cry
the gut-wrenching kind
the ones that make you seize up

that'll teach you
that will make you thankful
that your mother and father
took that midnight stroll
through the hospital
while all you and your peers
were adrift in slumber
stopped
and shot out a finger in your direction
"her. shes the one."
"i got to pick you"
he would say later
that'll teach you

who would you have been
last name calahand
wandering the contiguous forty-eight
lugging dads guitar
and waiting with a glass of milk
bellied up to the bar
with your new "uncle"
smoking someone else's cigarette
singing back up
playing tambourine

sure as hell wouldnt be here
opening up your home
your life
your heart to me
sure as hell wouldnt have cooked me breakfast
ice water
and toast
and that beer of mine
sure as hell wouldnt even know each other
or this town
this life
this love that sustains us
or at least tries to

thanks lady [insert unpronounceable last name here]

curling up under someone elses covers
over my head to hear my breath
and to bloom forth a cloud
of an alcoholics perfume

listening to a train toot over
a gentle sob
digits clasped tight to my brow
tears running over the joints never cut

thank god im whole
****
i said god again

the things that i love are alive
including myself
for now anyway
and feeling this deeply counts
in fact
the emotion itself counts as life
it breathes with me
well
with you mostly
but me too
we can share right?

the things i love
they wriggle
gossip
bloom
become buoyant
or adrift
they are literate
and simultaneously silent
they are theifs
and simultaneously altruistic

all the things that i love
these things that i love
they are within you
and i only borrowing them
not renting
though i did buy you that....
****
i never bought you anything

so yeah
borrowing.

squirrels and opossums and birds of paradise
because im screaming
profanity into the trees
they can hear me scratching my sores
flaking scabs onto the crumbly floor
to integrate myself with the remains
of generations past
they can all hear me
crack the first beer of the morning
and pour it out for my love
no longer here
they can hear me all
repeat myself and pace
atop the pecan shells crunching
but the cap of the bottle spins
whirling around its rings
for a glug
and they all scutter, scamper, and waggle off
only proving my point
a terrible mood to be around

never spill guts in a crowded room
and then
never in an empty parlor
this digital storefront
selling beauty for only
the cost of your trip
is a place where i spew
that which provides me clarity
and my peace
embroidered by a new drive
and hemmed by positive flaccid ambition

i erupt here and reflect
touch you and spit on my possessions
drip from high above the keys
from inside where all my hopes and fears reside
to a place much more static

no
this is not spam
this is a particle within a sneeze
where each line is a breath
and each dribblet is a reflection
or passion
or pain

it cant be used
if you toss it out
you wont have to put that
slimy grin
against something so filthy
tattered
and flat
i have an idea
i know a place with geese
fat ones
we can make it there
in five
strangle them
and pluck them bare
a sack full of down we'll have
then to the gin
my cotton blooms are
still fresh and plump
and then to the textile maker
and the seamstress
a fine cloth bag and cover
for those feathers alone
and fluff
and plop under your head
nah
its not that *****
tattered, flat
or
important

to a dusty shelf I aspire
collected among your beloved works
my spine illegible and creased
pages molded and dog eared
i rest eye level
in your drawing room

i was yours originally
as much as i was my own
no
i was written by a three greats something
a man and a woman
far removed from me now
and was lent to your three greats something
passed down to you
now found cloistered
three shelves down

as per the sensibility
of three greats aunt percy
you would expect the syllables
bound within me
to be replete with ratiocinative reminders
but my binding betrays me not
bloviative bacchanalian blabberings
are the texts contained beyond my cover
but you wouldnt know
the dust proves it

but i dont mind
purely delighted
to be covered in dander
and the skin that used to make you up
that i might be found when you need me
or that i might remain in your family
for at least one more generation
but
if you need a quick ten spot
if youre really hard up for cash
if. you. need. money.
i know a really cute used bookstore

i thought this was it
this one is the one
that was my mantra
but happiness seems to preclude
ignoring
this that and the other
and love
love??!
tell me thats not another shade
of pure blindness
yearning seems quaint compared to this
but it still has to be something
lets invent a new word
something that screams like my heart
something that cries and rolls around
something that jumps on the bed
and laughs
and warms my bare feet
im open to suggestions

my eyes are burning or at least
well
what the **** ever they HURT
burning like a blow torch has been lit near
so
i rub with the palm of my hands the nearest lid
with pressure equivalent to the blueness of *****
and
my vision is only more irritated. blinding and distorted
crossing my eyes only to envision the same reality
both
challenged and encompassing within the entire room
welcomed and narrowed into the self i dont yet know

im not tripping
not drunk
high
delirious

i dont want to weep for her
she should earn it
and yet
my eyes
my ******* eyes
are dry

contained within
it glistens and is illuminated
radiates from my teeth to my ocular orbs
not the sun
not the one that makes the ivy creep
or the blossom open and become fragrant
but its mistress
the sphere of the night
pounds light from beneath the chest cavity
but this derivative
compels all those like us
in the dark
to hold hands

this is the moon
my insides are worshiping
one and one without
and the one with in
like our nearest star
the love within me
is only a reflection of the truth
that one that you imbue
hold true
and fast
towards the surface within me
that is reflective

my heart is the second moon
moon two
only as it speaks to me
and me and me to you
and you reflect upon me
and i shine and enshrine
my soul is made true

its not about the antecedent
that as it is sometimes called
i dreamed of you
you being here
and breathing on me
holding hands-full of gold
jingling around my boney sides
grasping for zebra animal crackers
holding me against the wall
turning up and down the commercials
i cherish you in these moments
making it seem like time is no longer passing
making me believe this is real
low fives
and highs
tag team the whole thing
hate
love
your choice
but
i win
wan
wain

i crossed my legs

&found; that many hours later
i was still
full lotus
eyes half open
the exhaustion crawling
through each pore
steaming effervescence
reminding me that there is never a time better
to withdraw into ones self &then; far beyond
is it floating or is it flying
singularity in eyeline
within the nearest whole
blacker than the absence of light
this dark...

this dark
consumes blindness
buried is
all the matter of another universe
waiting to erupt

consciousness like ours
needs never to travel into the depths of space
headlong into a new biological manifestation
but instead be patient

this is no flop house
its a proper crash pad
and im no addict
im a proper user
and she is no harlot
shes a proper accomplice

this place was built for us
and i for you
and the space around us
for each other
for us all

so darling
you and i
we should spread out

wait
define proper

i watched today
my childhood unfold as a 30 year old
but today it was different
strangely tempered
but some things never change
my dad still takes his aggression out
in THE most hilarious ways
my mom is still sneaky
and pokes fires
and im giving myself a heart attack
waiting for a high five

i love it
watching the waves roll in
and sweating like a monster
where else do you get that
better yet
how else are you going to cleanse
from the night before
how else can you get your dad
to bite his tongue clean off
or your mom to say "psssst!"

but theyve had 30 years
shes barely even scratched the surface
and im trying to write my will before i die
and ****
this pen is out of ink
ill write it in blood if i have to
and ill leave it all to the allusionist
or is it allusion-ee
all im thinking about is her
trimming
cutting
suffering the yelp of a dog in a ******* dress
raking
yelp
plumbing
yelp

all the while
the image spinning
like a weather-vein in a thunderstorm
pressing me on
into a place
where red hair
in my iced tea
is commonplace

gentle
gentle persuasion
thats the only latch-key
what do you want to do
what makes you smile
self -affirmed
dreams fulfilled
close your eyes
and wait for the answer

all that i know is that IM fallin
fallin
fallin

ask yourself the same ******* question allen
if your eye could close
if your heart could pace
under 1000 beats per minutes

but never

ask allen
what can make that
head stop throbbing
turn the track down?
smash the device that can connect
smash it

how to put students in a place
the engages
rewards
produces

close youre eyes
take a deep breath
now drown

i carefully cut branches from a cherry tree
its blooms in all stages
first vibrant red
buds aching to erupt
and then pinked
full, open with petals that flutter in a warm breeze
until the white comes
with age in wisdom and prepared to relinquish all
these three sprigs I weave  together
graft and plant
until none could tell one from the other


when it grew
with posture that could catch
the exhales of all the men taller than me
i clipped another branch
bigger than my thumb
and began to whittle
an instrument
strong enough to grace
with charming melody
the sweet aroma
the shade
the blossom pressings that now adorn my wall
and with each stroke
and shaving peeled
i realized that i was reaching your core
and that soon you would splinter
break even
so i got to the heart of you
and stayed there
shaving a finer point
until i could poke myself
and draw blood

i'm glad
you hope i enjoyed it
i am still enjoying it.
a ready laugh?
a curly peek-a-boo?
reading suggestions?
music updates?
star trap?
that face she makes?
you know the one.
you hope i enjoyed it?!
no
i hope YOU enjoyed it.
ill keep you posted.

A candle lit
In a lone new room
Flutters with my breath
As it's whispered upon a flame

And with it
With the wicks whisper
All things are transmogrified
It bends to the will of my breath

but these prayers
aren't ones to bless
you or me or the new place
they are for my own utter annihilation

or that of my ego
so that the rift it creates
between you and i and everything
is lifted, narrowed, guided away, carried upon a breeze
away
away

its not like i traded up
or for that matter down
every cog still turned to the left
each lever, still up and down

it started like an episode
of ricky lake
and ended abruptly
on springer

im in the sound proof booth
judging those who stand encased
aside me
i should leave before this gets ugly

indiscretion led me here
fortitude kept me
embarrassment fed me words
and loss encapsulates all

every stitch
the joy and glee
lost to ants in a wildflower patch
it stings now

verbosity rivaled only by impetus
but quickness
if only counted in months
falls short with words

im sure there's a happy ending
a call in the black of midnight
in a letter carefully opened
through a kiss tentatively given

Oh
Feel like I have to have this
It's not just a person that I recollect
It's a person that I pay
I need a friend
Upon which every memory and feeling
Can be placed...
Can be dropped
Through which every bone
Character flaw
Admiration
Disposition
Are laid down
*******
Sarcasm
Fantasy
What's this money for
But a friend
That can be bought
We don't need it
I don't
Do you
Don't tweet this
But if you do
To the enterprise
Now that I think about it
I should read this to my psychiatrist

that phrase carries such a punch
wow
wow could mean this
"i cant believe you could"
or it could mean that
"you would ask me"
it COULD mean the other
"how could you?"

but christ
thats not a swear right
christ?

im not going to win this fight
i didnt even have on head gear

****, ill be bloodied
and you wont even be bruised

would you help me
unlace both my gloves?

you can do that right
if i taught you how to tie it
you can take it the reverse way

another three minutes
lost
to the rattling of the branches
to the shuttering of leaves
to the crash that they make
the BOOM
on the floor
we can hear those

im a fan though
of the noise
that will always win
as long as you
are there to record it
peripheral mic catching
every partial sneeze

jeebus
we are going to slap hands
no matter what happens
swoop
or sail

bye i guess

ill be on the floor
rolling around for sympathy

ill be here
at the bar
but you know the number

ill be on my feet
pacing and engaging in exodus
going away and coming back
to our bed

ill be unlucky
with the craps table
rolling threes
and giving away all i own
for you

if you need to find me
ill be dancing alone in a corner
to a song that hasnt been written
juking as if you were near
reaching out for a partner
finding nothing

im lost
i shoulndt have
this or the other thing
i can hold you saturday
and feel dispelled on tuesday
we need better though
being enraptured perhaps

you said
you werent going to eat off my plate
but now its clean
and im hungry

you said
this was your last smoke
but my packs empty
and im feenin

you said
YOU SAID
ill be with you thursday
but my beds empty
and im alone
and cold
yearning
livid

but im taking breaths
deep ones
teaching myself that each voice
each utterance
doesnt bind me or you
to a radiator
stuck in the dark
and steam burned

these chances to vibrate
throaty chords
are chances to perfect our relationships
with acuity we sharpen our souls
through our tongues
but accuracy is the sum
toward what each syllable should strive
each consonant building towards
our harmony
and peace of mind
validating our trust

tell me a secret
whisper a truth