truly convienent
to be able to tell your boss
im just taking a break
right back to it when i finish this poem
****
you can hang dry wall
AND
write something to make someone
smile
cry
point a finger in your direction

yeah
about that
there isnt anything special
in my portfolio
just stuff i scribble on bar napkins
next to the doodles of you
maps too
in the small spaces that are left
i write those down
i mostly leave them for the barkeep
but not always

sometimes i bring them back to work
here into the room with
the tarps on the floor
cans full of paint
and joint compound
to reread them

and if i werent lieing
about smoking all these cigarettes
i would tell you
that im going to my car to write
just ONE more
before i send you those TPS reports

if only i could upload
all the doodles attached to them
people would know
that im PROBABLY better off
sticking to writing

fancy trender
the algorithms adore me
bits and bites love me
girlfriends gush over
what i write
the promises and perjury i pour out
though other few find it fascinating
a collection of casual carousers
deeply drunk and delirious
leer and like
fumble through and follow
these wild words

which

long for your love
and admonish apathy
say something
anything at least
jovially jeer
praise pompously

i rest
with my hands on the home keys
derive inspiration
from insignificant minutia
and you read
and read
taking a break from your home row
hum drum
flaccid
"oh thats nice"
NEXT

dont read and not write
i give not two
i should say ***
but i wont
i dont care
how inarticulately evil
you chose to be
but you must write

say something
start a conversation
engage your fellow artist

what else are we doing here
if not to inspire
it was never an endeavor
to impress our friends
was it
we found this place
for any kind of outlet
a chance to give breath
to the lightening in our bottles

this is our march
on the collective consciousness
that could be called washington
london
but when we march
we hold hands
chant
sing
speak with one another
and form bonds
and that should be done here too

without those acts
we are protestant pastors
banging on pulpits
toward a parish
that no longer exists
or if they do
never say "amen"

amen

im not going to let
this go to "yesterday" status
though ill probably write this tomorrow

why would you do that
cut me off of all the terribly wonderful things i have to tell you
this stopped being a poem a stanza ago
i have been working for this
a chatter
failing all the while
with a blessing
never been mine
or yours

ill meet you in the morning
when you are grouchy
bitter
and i
and i am hung WAY the **** over
in fact
i woke up
waiting for you

to be moody
to chance what im getting now
i woke up to
harass you
to make you hate the whole thing
ill stick that badge on my skin
pierced for the first time
ill do it
take me

soon then right?
ill take you with me
again,
where are we going?

that phrase carries such a punch
wow
wow could mean this
"i cant believe you could"
or it could mean that
"you would ask me"
it COULD mean the other
"how could you?"

but christ
thats not a swear right
christ?

im not going to win this fight
i didnt even have on head gear

****, ill be bloodied
and you wont even be bruised

would you help me
unlace both my gloves?

you can do that right
if i taught you how to tie it
you can take it the reverse way

another three minutes
lost
to the rattling of the branches
to the shuttering of leaves
to the crash that they make
the BOOM
on the floor
we can hear those

im a fan though
of the noise
that will always win
as long as you
are there to record it
peripheral mic catching
every partial sneeze

jeebus
we are going to slap hands
no matter what happens
swoop
or sail

bye i guess

jarring wah-wahs
atop the high hat rich
rhythms that any teenager
could bang out with two
ball point pens and a palm heel
a voice like yours moans
squeals and asks for moar

we are calling that pr0nstep now

take me out
and dance till three
you dont even have to talk
ill be fine
squinting and flailing
cherishing wild gesticulation
raking my fingers through the head
giving you a new hairstyle
to make fun of in the morning

i gush through my body language
throwing hands out
making public seem private

this is the dance floor
we can scour for whats left at close

IS THAT A ***** PACK??
here
stick my stuff in there

forget that parking ticket
i know a guy
drive me home
i have something i want to show you

i carved out a place for us
two abreast
clutching the other
palms touching

ive been whispering to you
but that kind of voice goes no louder
i tap you on that shoulder
and you spin around
while i grin

i thought you knew that
i was going to trick you
at any single cost
i had nary a single idea
that you would cross your arms
and stomp the rest of the way
through the forest
over the path that i cut

OooOoOOo!
flowers!
look
how big do you want your bouquet?
forget it.
let me just weave this one into your hair.

wanna skip?
im a skipping champion!

no?

uh, wanna climb that tree???
look at those limbs!

bugs, huh?

ummm, lets sit on the forest floor
just to pray
for the two of us.
yeah
lets do that

dont believe in god?
****

me either

well
i guess we could turn around
the sun isnt yet down
and i can still see the road
but we have come too far
im thinking its not in our best interest
just a bit more
i hear the other side is
MUCH more charming

here
get on my back
i got this

ok....
shoulders then
ok
ok
ow
yeah
thats it!
the view is WAAAY better up there

curling up under someone elses covers
over my head to hear my breath
and to bloom forth a cloud
of an alcoholics perfume

listening to a train toot over
a gentle sob
digits clasped tight to my brow
tears running over the joints never cut

thank god im whole
****
i said god again

the things that i love are alive
including myself
for now anyway
and feeling this deeply counts
in fact
the emotion itself counts as life
it breathes with me
well
with you mostly
but me too
we can share right?

the things i love
they wriggle
gossip
bloom
become buoyant
or adrift
they are literate
and simultaneously silent
they are theifs
and simultaneously altruistic

all the things that i love
these things that i love
they are within you
and i only borrowing them
not renting
though i did buy you that....
****
i never bought you anything

so yeah
borrowing.

this one doesnt count
its on private
no one else can read it
you dont have to worry
about what ill write this time

i swear to ******* christ
i wont cuss in this one
i wont talk about you
at least not as the "******" woman
you admit to being
your words not mine
but i wont use them
i dont even agree with them
those syllables would never
spill from between these lips
guilty conscience perhaps
nah
if i can muster something like that
then you couldnt

i dont think the next lines matter
the supposed resolution...

i know that im at fault here
writing lines that point to and accuse you
on what moral grounds do i stand?
if any they are shaky

i must hold out may hands as if to surf
(i have never done that by the way)
to steady myself
and through my accusations
and through your actions
us

to use the queens plurality
we dont need this
in fact
we
we dont need
a single other thing, dingus

but you knew
and i did too
and as much as
EYE
and EWE
despise all of it
im sure
sure of it
that we can come out the other side
more willing than ready
to tackle
THE MOST SERIOUS SNUGGLEFEST

snugglefest for the win.
bi

thats where i ****** up
swearing everything i penned for you
oh ****
i just realized that this will never trend
i said **** and ****
well
this one deserves it
you champ
me chump
and you dance like the butterfly
in the next life
and i the bee
bumble that is
swollen and noisy
im doing circles around you
pacing more than anything
while you flutter
i beg for a pace like that
something that is literally lofty
hold me up
and ill give you the pressure
in the opposite direction
a stress that compliments
a slow ascension
as long as were going up
in the appropriate direction
cloudward

i thought i heard the ******
of the blue bell around your neck girl
i paused my creative trickle
to chase you
all around this property and that one
i hugged your mom
washed my hands
rolled up my sleeve
and you were still gone
into the cat ethers

you werent even meowing
hell
how are we supposed to feed you
when you wont return the "HIIIIII!!!"
we yell at the expense of our own self-esteem

i opened all the doors for you
just to return and keep my seat
on that armchair warm

the only place you could have been
more removed from my line of sight
least advantageous to your keepers
most absent from your natural environment
least accommodating to our directives
the only place you could have been

curled up and purring
after all that???!
seriously.
i had to get on my belly
to see you laughing at me
cool in your aunts room
tail wagging

"I FOUND HER!!!"

i was swimming
its more like flailing really
just trying to stay afloat
to return to shore
to move toward
a place where i could be sure-footed
or at least MORE sure footed
flapping my arms like this
hell
i would have settled for quicksand

thats when i realized how blue the waves were
how clear
the medium that housed
the vibrantly colored guppies
the sunset that illuminated them
palpabale and tactically enticing
clouds that you could
both consume and caress
how warm the water
how cool the breeze

then a relaxed posture
a calm breast stroke
to the nearest outcropping
and after i approached
scaled it to its pinnacle
bare feet and hands
****** now for good reason
but here i stand
atop lush grass
drip drying
with a view towards
the place where i floundered

ill stay up top
here with the magnificent view
you take the "hi" road
and ill take the high road
as long as we meet here
at the overlook
as long as we hold hands
gaze towards to waves
time the tide
encounter enchantment

we can swim later

your hiatus

from me
cut off the lights
and read in the dark
whatever it is that you need to

its clear
that i distract you
you get nothing done
whenever im around you gabbing

im itching
clawing my skin
getting you from under
easier said than could be done

comfort yet
just knowing it
we still read minds
youre listening from hours away

still though
you need plugs
to protect your ears
because these thoughts arent quiet

im screaming
with the electricity
firing between each synapse
and it shows through where i pace

soon though
certain of that
counting down the days
when i trade combat boots for bare foot

call soon
or write even
anything beats all this
writhing and pulling out my greys

i have even considered breaking poetic structure to tell you
that im waiting just by the phone for your ring tone
i promise to stop biting the nails to the quick
just when you give me that jingle or note
swear ill stop writing anxious poems
stop calling you every single 3 AM
cease to leave our song on loop
chase out all my cars dust
shave my whiskers
eat every meal
drink nothing
bathe nightly
dr. artist
me

im not done
but ill stop

the winner of the sloth fight
is the one who stays awake longest

uh
so i win right

hey
hey
hey
are you awake
you awake

YEAAAHHH
i win!!!

oh ****
i think hes moving

the first person to fall asleep
has awaken
am i losing?
just because he lost
his grasp on sound slumber
i should hang my head in shame

*******

im still prancing
in the forest bed
holding up
all six of my claws
and grinning
in victory
that sloth grin

fine
lets call it a draw
im getting tired

yawn

im dead asleep
dreaming
looking at the surface of your feet
fly ahead of me
ill glide in your tail wind
gushing and inhaling
those sweet perfumes
conditioners and soaps...
zoom on
im RIGHT behind you

where are we going?
not the flower patch
over the overlook
above the kite
under the tree house
around the floating kayak
amidst but not stopping
the stones in the drive
just to float then?

oh
now youre ringing
uh, hullo
use your phone voice
and tell me im awake
pinch me through the receiver
to tell me this is no dream
to let me know that i
should wake up again
from beneath this tree
to fly
once again
this dusty old kite with you

as long as you are holding one end
im jumping straight up
hop to
scratch the bottoms
of hobbit feet
to make you smile
just one more time
IM UP!!!
run and pull and so on.

**** right this has nothing
to do with kites
this is about us
i find you in both places
among the darkened ether
enchanting me
and under our star
and then all the others
beckoning me
sometimes more than others
but never
never
more than when we are floating
wax paper
above trees
power lines

Everyone wants me to leave
Some going
Some coming
but that doesnt tell me much
about the next kind
of house cat ill be

the one that spurts foam
or shovels in snow

the one that brings you the paper
or completely gnaws your bone

if you arent taming me
youre handing me treats
not dangling string
then ill emblazon a kitty spot on the ****

what can i do but
coo near your ear
nip at your thumb
bring lick to your toes
sniff the parts
and curl up

so the aliens,
right?
they got out telescopes and ****
and they were all like
whoa man
we could totally **** those guys up
RACE!!!!
ready?
set?
and then they were all
killing each other on the way over
but some made it though right???
and there were like
monkeys and stuff
that they put their seed in
so THATS WHY were all different colors
and eyes and hair and stuff
They are really
just seeing who wins

thats why i have my AR-15

cast aside
and with the passage of time i find
forget the constellations
i prefer compressed sediment
casually given to the shore
your door frame beckoning
from the glistening overlook
wild and overgrown
lush-sheik
come place me on your shelf
smack on the googley-eyes
and keep me in your purse
nightstand is fine too though

its like when you see in those vampire movies, you know man, and the main vampire ***** that one mortal and gets all ****-hurt when she dies. yeah. like that.

im immortal compared to you here
ill have googley-eyes a million years from now
****.
i didnt think this through.

OOOoOOOoooO!
in a million years...
youll be a rock too.

done

clumsy trip up the 17
steps to the paisley sheets
me behind you and
saying the same thing
with a new twist
"hey, know whats trending?"
"your sweet ***"
or
"you smell that?!"
to which you reply
"farts is trending"
no able to erupt
in the uproarious laughter
necessitated by turning
a tired line on its head
i cover my mustachioed mouth
with a sweaty palm
to cover the guffaw
that would most certainly
awake my roommates
you always in the lead
giving *** for tat
the style of humor
i searched for yearningly
and never found
that is
till you released wind
and then told me about it

what am i doing up again?
oh thats right
we're having a fight
im pecking at the keys
one finger at a time
and you keep trying
to place eight on the home row
i stumble around
failing to express
how its simply not my fault
how its not something that i can help
"and thats why im here love"
her new mantra
and if thats what it takes
shame me
into being able to be with you
make it so
shame on

cause im laying here under the projected stars
i turned out the lights
and made a trip to aeroponics
to pick up those fungi you so humbly requested
so put down your earl grey (hot)
take off your shoes
let your hair down with me
and lets look at the stars
not the ones out of the window
but the ones glimmering on the screen
and pretend we're just at the planetarium
back on earth
home
ill massage your feet
and we will proceed to laugh
and roll around under the consoles
but NO TICKLING
you remember what happened last time
ill tweak the access to the room
and you
you will pretend like this is
your first time
i will to
ill shake and shiver
and you
well you just be however you were
before you met me
authoritative, stern and expecting
not of child
but of an ensign who knows
how to get the job done
with nary an irregularity
earning every pip
for valiance in the line of duty
wounds endured in battle
courage under fire

over the shoulder squeals
giggles atop great grandma's quilt
from under the tree
that we have all hit our heads on

way up in the field
screaming up in to the sky
NO POCKET KITE
WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!
diving a dipping
then crashing
youre no trick kite!
nothing but a dollar store impulse buy
ill *** you up and stuff you back
into the belt-clippable makeshift container
the one you shamefully came in
curse you and your inadequately short string
maybe she'll have you
return you to your designers glory
not i

oh but you
i see you
soaring
string waaaay to far out
dangling above the trees
and power lines to boot
aloft at least 100 meters up
today you soared
mathew perry shoot
thats what im going to call you
parachute in a bag
to heights i could never achieve
standing in the sand
waves crashing against phalanges
in those years
over a decade back now
and you
and your potential joy provided
collected dust
in that same place that i left you
all those years ago

but i had to call the dog back up
"TESS DOG, HEEL!"
and i had to wipe the quinoa of my hands
and roll up your string
she had to stop smiling at some point
your stewardess or should i say flight attendant
smiling, no loving.
or staying.
kissing.

oh lets stay here!
in the field
atop the blossoms of berries
yet ripened
smiling
"pulling and running!!!"
under the shade tree
on a blanket
holding hands

give me thirty days though
i have some things to work out

i waited on you for weeks
calling and cooing
frumpy fighting

i need you to know
that heros hug
champions challenge

i waited to get wet
slippery and soapy
licking lickless
wounds

you
kick up your knee
gracefully and gently
hairy horror
firsted

hey
let me lead you
up siz-zag undulations of angles
gracefully grazing
carpet
us two

darling
let me lightly place you
upon the undone bed
shovel self in
down.pillows
dreaming
of each other
sweaty

and this is where im going to break the poetic form
youve told me. and i you. you know where and how
to find me when we are writhing and flipping around
and ill pick you up off the top of that news stand again
JUST JUMP i yell and you most certainly oblige once more
and that hug
that one that i was talking about earlier
the enclosure all encompassing
will be the act that save me from the last week
the goose pimple that perk all about
will make every single shift from thigh to knee relevant
propelling ourselves skyward and floating now

come with me
i know this one place
terrific tapas

regular delivery
it arrived with the standard 8 vertices
rigid and battered
******* box

i kicked it around the house
oh bout two months
maybe three
till i got sick of lookin at it
it started kicking me back
hard as hell
and right where it counts
you know what im talking about
chunking it out the window
never worked
just re-delivered
i had to sign for that *******
every time
my john hancock is all over it now

i should open it
rip back the crumpled packing tape
and just peer in

and when i did
and that rip stopped echoing
in the cave that is my room
and the moldy ***** were pulled back
the cavity was exposed
a cool gust shot up
curled back my mustache
and made me grin
like i just saw a russian blue
do a back flip

funny too
it smelled like you
sweet perfume
and that ***** drawer whiskey
i gasped and tried to **** it all in
to ghost that hit of you

i stuck my head in
to get all of it
licked the inside of the cardboard
for each last scrap

i made each fold into origami
crane
dragon
turtle
rabbit
so on

and just before i knelt down
to pray for another breeze in a box
i opened a window
and sat with my feet dangling
grinning with you all over me
sure that a wind
would soon blow up from the south
warm and loving
fragrant and laughing
to smack me
just when i need it most

it shook there above his head
all ten fingers
sweaty palm too
quivering so as to make
you do the same

sometimes thats all it takes
to make an orphan like you
burst into the tears
that only a child can cry
the gut-wrenching kind
the ones that make you seize up

that'll teach you
that will make you thankful
that your mother and father
took that midnight stroll
through the hospital
while all you and your peers
were adrift in slumber
stopped
and shot out a finger in your direction
"her. shes the one."
"i got to pick you"
he would say later
that'll teach you

who would you have been
last name calahand
wandering the contiguous forty-eight
lugging dads guitar
and waiting with a glass of milk
bellied up to the bar
with your new "uncle"
smoking someone else's cigarette
singing back up
playing tambourine

sure as hell wouldnt be here
opening up your home
your life
your heart to me
sure as hell wouldnt have cooked me breakfast
ice water
and toast
and that beer of mine
sure as hell wouldnt even know each other
or this town
this life
this love that sustains us
or at least tries to

thanks lady [insert unpronounceable last name here]

contained within
it glistens and is illuminated
radiates from my teeth to my ocular orbs
not the sun
not the one that makes the ivy creep
or the blossom open and become fragrant
but its mistress
the sphere of the night
pounds light from beneath the chest cavity
but this derivative
compels all those like us
in the dark
to hold hands

this is the moon
my insides are worshiping
one and one without
and the one with in
like our nearest star
the love within me
is only a reflection of the truth
that one that you imbue
hold true
and fast
towards the surface within me
that is reflective

my heart is the second moon
moon two
only as it speaks to me
and me and me to you
and you reflect upon me
and i shine and enshrine
my soul is made true

its not work if youre playing
youre using all ten
but me?
me?
im doing two thumbs
what im doing
practicing being articulate
literally ornate
is so much like the melody
that you bang out with ten
the creativity ratio
ten to one and two to one
but yours is extensive
and mine
mine is too plosive
sharp
dissected
and yours lofts
and swoops
tricks the ear
and swirls

nothing pushes us this way
in this direction
not a person directs my fingers
or yours
and yet there is something to be assimilated
something to take home
a bit to stick under your pillow
the fairy will trade it for a nickle

take off that ring
its clicking on the keys
thats what we said to each other
the click gets agitating
but i tie a knot on my side burn
a ribbon really
and grin

welcome back

this all could have been mine
geometric shape wallpaper
and dashes, dots on my sheets
mom making my bed
smoking non-filtereds
and staring in the direction of
old globes and stuffed squirrels
posters of campuses i should i have attended

shirt no pants
no shirts
scribbling something partially worth reading
legs crossed
listening to that song for the fiftieth time
ashing on the floor
waiting by the phone for you and only you

but this isnt home
i didnt grow up here
i slept here
i embraced those who meant something
i giggled till tears
dripped into my oil paints
but even watered down they were made of use

a spring in this bed is
right the **** up my ***
springy is what they call me now
ill scrape those stickers off
a six inch blade till dawn
and i would be no closer

to those days where i cheesed
where you begged for me
where i began to loose myself
where i became less of a person
and more of a character to you all
cartoonish

no
my home is not here
and if you try to get me to own
a single element of it all
ill decry it
i know its not healthy
but i was thinking
that i could make up the difference

in my bedroom
not only with my hands on you
a gentle graze
or light and deserving
application of the pucker
but with my pen to pulp
and a gush to the world
so that a secret might
be known to us all
not just me

I know what it feels like
To be isolated
stranded on an island
in a sea of meaningful conversation
so remote you need binoculars
to find people holding hands

thats not us today
not you second mom
not me failing educator
but us
jovial and talkative
skipping down mainstreet
stopping in pocket parks
to plan our towns future

i want to take you somewhere
that place that we used to go
well not together
that breakfast place
's been around for a half century
well
its not there any more
its a bar now
look ill buy you a shiner
and you just sit there
look pretty
and write on this dollar

and thats what she wrote
"b [star] [heart]"
with the shapes there instead
just over washingtons face
and i made for it a frame
just in the corners
and the new bartender
stapled it right in plain view
above the ***** section
down at the end
where the old men talk about
the ways that it hasnt
or never will
work out for them

you embody their silent shrine now
you are reigning over the space
where they come to be lonely
but talkative though
the place where they come
to find people with whom to hold hands
to skip down main street
to stop in pocket parks
and talk about the way
things need to be changed
and how [we] can change them

the final day approaches
more quickly than any
chicken on a june bug
this is the first time
my great grandfathers aphorism
has resonated so deeply

i implore them
each and every one
ask me
ask me anything
i can help you embrace
what your unencumbered peers
treasure
what guides them to a bright future
and its absence in you
to something far more dismal

despite my rationalization
my soft realization
i hold out hope

for you, proprietor of un criadero de caballos
stable full and ahead by a nose
for you, avian veteran
star college running back in the end zone
for you, pop artist
changing galleries with colorful violence

its soon out of my hands
grains sliding through my grip
onto your desk
with which to build
a magnificent castle
or to blow back upon the earth

ask me anything
if i dont know we can search
for truth
and then Truth

im told times up
dont drag me out yet
let me finish this lin..........

you said
you werent going to eat off my plate
but now its clean
and im hungry

you said
this was your last smoke
but my packs empty
and im feenin

you said
YOU SAID
ill be with you thursday
but my beds empty
and im alone
and cold
yearning
livid

but im taking breaths
deep ones
teaching myself that each voice
each utterance
doesnt bind me or you
to a radiator
stuck in the dark
and steam burned

these chances to vibrate
throaty chords
are chances to perfect our relationships
with acuity we sharpen our souls
through our tongues
but accuracy is the sum
toward what each syllable should strive
each consonant building towards
our harmony
and peace of mind
validating our trust

tell me a secret
whisper a truth

kick turn and flip up covers
replay
and again
i touched myself
and was held
i dont need you
but to be loved
replaced the things
visage
and my reflection
return
interluded
my behavior
connection discarded

necessity

caressing you
the nape of your neck
towards the dimples on your back
flirting with every finger
to a jazz rhythm
making every pore pert
dreaming about our love
waking you up most subtly
coaxing you back into the bed
back toward the place where we
have the best memories
STOP
that tickles
and to write this
only to the be coaxed back
come cuddle with me
i oblige

stay still
perfect and silent
stay any way youre going to be
stay if cranky
or too tired to keep your eyes
pried open
just stay
in fact
ill move half of the ****
from the small closet
closet?
**** that
i have five
just stay
sleep here
just like you are now
soft and welcoming
sweaty and chastising
sleeping with a skerple in your hand

i found it
buried in the couch
stuck between two cuushions
next to an old cheeto

come home
be with me

i let you throw
your shorn leg
along side me
requested acutally
but before

"come here
be with me"

i leaked
me

i got a minor in dogs
who knows what i was talking about
you walked in and shook me to my core
no not apple
what was i saying

unknown entirely
not only to the throngs
but to myself as well
a shaded mustang such as myself
may never be labeled "dark"
until victory is upon me

and i plan to come from behind
from way behind
whipping a breeze along side
the champions from races past

but for no laurel
or hardy hoof shake
for only the chance to stretch my legs
lounging in pastures
has only stagnated me
but all potential must
as some point become kinetic

and here i am now
neck outstretched
teeth breaking the tape
by-standards ripping up tickets
because i was the last one
supposed to win

its pleasant to be warm
yes it was a pun
dont judge
cross my legs
and vent
i never knew my skin was so permeable
so inviting to the radiation
from internal nuclear fusion
well and fission too
puff the oak pipe
of navarro gold tobacco
and nod
smile
that sweaty-toothed smile
and nod
im warm now
but is there anything more active
than being cold
warm always seems false
when youre chilled
at least youre completely honest
NO *******
"im ******* cold"
taut
warm is so slack
investigating the disruptions of the slinky
piling trash up upon the heap

core this crisp fuji
i want the meat only
forget a shade tree
i want pitch black
this is not a time for a rocking chair
time for hanging upside down only

its true though
my epidermis is as holey as a sieve
pervious as cheese cloth
and it goes both ways
in and out
i fight for you
as much as i need to be fought for

no such thing as skin protectorate
or umbrella
or a silent moment for that matter
and never salient
or sober

better to just stare directly into the core
become blind
and be happy

i never espoused a conspiracy theory about it
"they dont want us to write"
but it is more of a dare
a triple dog dare
for when youre filled
and when youre boiling over
then, make it so that its hard to read
elusive dodgy and half true
undone and part mean
gushy
lump-throated
i dare you
triple dog
say a single true word

the first word that i received from you
when my eyes cracked apart
"hatred"
between hatred and "no"
no was the beginning of the last things
there was a flurry of expressions that reminded
me of you
the real you
all things that we only whisper to each other
like a sting of cartoon hearts
"tell me youre alive"
"i hate your guts"
"secret telling sessions"
"lord father god"
but that wasnt you today
you were that overly independent
woman who
holds my hand when she wants
only to beat me in private
you dont get to pick
when you have someone
like you have me
i have no on off switch
i stay on
this is no co-dependence
this is me relying on you
for rescue from my own
loneliness
dramatization
and voice

i talk to my self in my sleep
without you
mostly jibberish
but that one percent
of real-life murmuring
that sobbing speech
MEANS something
im not sure what
quite yet
nor will i ever i suspect
im still taking notes though
but i guaran-*******-tee you
it doesnt mean things are swell
peachy ******* keen

i ask for no lap dog
but for a cohort
i desire no therapist
but for a co-conspiritor
i yearn for no nurse maid
but for an equal

a woman who
i dont have to teach
but am taught by
a fellow ex-patriot
who still believes in no borders
a woman with a skerple
ready to write on my walls

the fuzz under my ****
rattles the cup near me
the base of a floor speaker
is a poor place to be undisturbed
and from my place upon
the hard wood slats
i peer through the slots
above and to the right
to view the limbs in decay

i was trying to impress you
now im only being housed
within myself and tightly
snug

gentle
gentle persuasion
thats the only latch-key
what do you want to do
what makes you smile
self -affirmed
dreams fulfilled
close your eyes
and wait for the answer

all that i know is that IM fallin
fallin
fallin

ask yourself the same ******* question allen
if your eye could close
if your heart could pace
under 1000 beats per minutes

but never

ask allen
what can make that
head stop throbbing
turn the track down?
smash the device that can connect
smash it

how to put students in a place
the engages
rewards
produces

close youre eyes
take a deep breath
now drown

ill be on the floor
rolling around for sympathy

ill be here
at the bar
but you know the number

ill be on my feet
pacing and engaging in exodus
going away and coming back
to our bed

ill be unlucky
with the craps table
rolling threes
and giving away all i own
for you

if you need to find me
ill be dancing alone in a corner
to a song that hasnt been written
juking as if you were near
reaching out for a partner
finding nothing

im lost
i shoulndt have
this or the other thing
i can hold you saturday
and feel dispelled on tuesday
we need better though
being enraptured perhaps

if you listen carefully
to that song that you love
so much so that it brings salt
to your eyelashes
pay attention

stare directly at the sun
or into a projector
displaying a map of canada
and witness it

the luminescence
and every tone and shade
of every chroma
flashing with every blink
the liquid provides
a spectrum unbeknownst
to vertebrates
much like blood for vision

this whole house smells like pie
or should i say pies
and what does that mean
that my only connections
will be absent and myself
alone
shades drawn and space blaring
my battalion against common fear
that silence means emptiness
that curious jeer means insult
that sweet interrogation means
we will never be apart

there is no such spare part
which could bring my lid
into a snug placement
it will always shake and rattle

there is no sized slice of this
that could satisfy
the space between here
and yesterday
and tomorrow

but how delightful and sweet though!
soft and creamy in its presence
y-h i beg
save me a slice

its not filthy
its just unappealing
its just the grooves
the places between the melody
that desperately need a cleaning
the tune no longer resonates
the tone dull
and crackly
its has nothing to do with
amplification
or projection
its the source material that fails me
im no good at this
at a loss for tools
which could make completely clear
the soaring voice that is love
impassioned and dedicated
but they are contained
within the outmoded technology
wax or vinyl

it could be
though
that my table is just on the fritz

they came
slurred and darkened
angry and
with a tinge of indigence  
let me see those clothes
i pointed to the pile
on the quilt that the ex made
dig through it
i murmured
and i sank
deep within myself
though 20's era deviants kept me
above the "sunk" place

on her side
completely silent
on mine raucous
but i can identify with donning
the drab of a different era
he said as he wrote
and looked at his phone

there is nothing about us static
nothing that keeps us from
killing ourselves only to be revived
in a brand new era
or moment of slight significance

i perform this act in times legion
dressing to impress
or to convey honest slovenliness
or power
or amorousness

this task
these efforts
can never be realized
attempting transubstantiation fails
and its motive with it

with jeans and a white tee
i am this one
lonely
lost
lingering
limitless

by all means
take all my clothes
ties and suspenders too
i have what im wearing

i had to move my pitch counter
after it was lifted i reset it
0000
i never told you what that was for
but now that youre 0001
i dont think it matters anymore

it was moved to aid in the removal
of those tacky though plush covers
the pink ones with the cat
those that you harassed me over
pointed with other people and laughed
well they came off but thats not the story either

when they first became unsnugged
i found the liquid gold
small black bottle by europeans
as pure and as innocent as it could be
hiding right in plain sight
but you neednt hide when no one looks

as i held that child
and looked over my shoulder
for you mostly but him too
trimmed the rosebush and piled it
atop a smouldering heap of ashes
i knew that it would
be acceptable to sleep again
if only for a night

i swear to god im going to stop
yes ill crumple my pack
and pour out the bottle under my bed
unload the shotgun
deactivate my account
and put my pen away
not because you complain of my odor
or that i stumble too often
or that im trigger happy
or that i post like theres no tomorrow
or because the verses i author
are vile
accusatory
explicit
pathetic
needy or
inflammatory
but because the first is the best day
to trick yourself
into existing just as you should
into being someone that
a partner might actually want to be with
i can
i can do it
and if a pledge isnt good enough
im selling tickets
general admission though
first come first served
and honestly you should
get there early because
this is something that everyone
is going to want to see

ive been drawing for you all day
impermanent scrawlings on the white board
im just trying to keep my hands moving
so my students dont have to see me weep
because today its not going to be pretty
one of those hard lump in the throat ones
i would have taken pictures of them
the doodles
but you know how i am with technology
all thumbs if thumbs werent the only thing you needed
you keep coming to me in my sleep
and in a cold sweat i search the house
for your wet foot prints
and now your visage is imprinted
in orange and yellow dry erase
camera phones clicking behind me
performance art that hurts
wild and swooping gestures
leaving tracers to be erased

squirrels and opossums and birds of paradise
because im screaming
profanity into the trees
they can hear me scratching my sores
flaking scabs onto the crumbly floor
to integrate myself with the remains
of generations past
they can all hear me
crack the first beer of the morning
and pour it out for my love
no longer here
they can hear me all
repeat myself and pace
atop the pecan shells crunching
but the cap of the bottle spins
whirling around its rings
for a glug
and they all scutter, scamper, and waggle off
only proving my point
a terrible mood to be around

i bet it all on black
the clanging of the pebble
around the separations
its the same story
i lost

long nights and love
all thats left
its not just about the dollar
its about the way
the dollar means that im yours

brother
i cannot spare a dime
this is our way
to feel like love