I always forget how it feels to completely let someone in, let your guard down and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
to share your most personal strange opinions and experiences with another person
giving bits and pieces of yourself away until over time they can feel your whole being.
to show them even the ugliest qualities of yourself, the raw rough sloppy traits that are not prominently displayed.
to actually love.
and then it's gone in a moment, i feel like the reason it hurts so bad is because you showed them everything about who you are and they didn't want it.
they don't seem to understand what you've given them.
maybe they weren't as invested in this thing you thought you were creating together. but it's done.
I sleep alone and put all of my effort into not communicating with you.
but i still can't completely get away-dreams, mutual friends, objects, pictures, each one delivered with a swooping feeling in your stomach and new tears.
I know it always gets better, i've done this too many times to myself to not know that
but with every time it's always 'well it felt different' i always think we're on the same page and ignore the signs that point out otherwise.
i hate missing you. i don't get how you don't feel the same. i hate thinking about you knowing that your mind is elsewhere.
i hate that i still have dreams about you and i ******* hate feeling this sad.
i don't want to be friends. i don't want to be in the same place as you fully aware that i cannot touch you, or slide my hand up your leg under tables with exchanged looks, or sneak off in the middle of parties because we prefer our exclusive company and entangled limbs then anything else in that moment.
i wanted it all and you didn't
...and it *****.

I felt you the minute I met you
I felt your skin for the first time and my world slowed down
I felt it over again until everything was hazy with dew and morning light
I felt your eyes on me, watching my every move
I felt the words that you said-and allowed you in
I felt your hair in my hands and your mattress with no sheets
I felt you breathe in early hours clumsily finding me through twisted blankets
I felt you say those vile words and let down my guard completely
I felt me lose control

and then
I felt the uneasiness in your movements
I felt the vagueness in your every word
I felt me losing you
I felt me losing it
I felt myself say words I never meant
I felt like making you feel
I felt your shame that night, the uneven stare and lack of ambition
I felt my wet cheeks and shaking hands
I felt every nerve in my body become exposed
I felt our talk about 'us' weeks later-how we are going to end up together, "theres just so much love"
I felt empty words
I felt you pull off my clothes and **** me on the couch
I felt you leave


i don't want to feel you anymore.

One.
His mouth was open far too much. and his eyebrows bugged me a lot, but he let me pluck them sometimes. his mouth was the first mouth I've kissed. I'll never forget how happy I was when I knew I had him. "swimming at the pool" when all we would do was stay in the showers and make out. everything was new and exciting, but I ruined it and I never thought I could cry as much as I did that night in my bathroom. we still talk but we're different now and the only thing we have in common is glycerine by bush. but we were so young and so in love.

Two.
he was the one my mom hated. he wore stupid necklaces and was from a broken family. but he had big eyes and black hair and made me feel like I was the best thing in the world. he was also the first one who cheated on me and let me know exactly how it felt to be betrayed. I won't ever forget that feeling.

Three.
he was younger then me and I knew better but there was something in his cocky confidence that drew me in. I took his virginity and then fell for him, but he had other girls and no time for me so it fell apart.

Four.
my first college boyfriend. I don't feel like I ever truly loved him but it was convenient. He had shaggy hair and cool friends and would take care of me when I got to drunk. But he was also the first and only boy who physically hurt me. I lost every ******* feeling I thought I had that night.

Five.
Tall and gangly. You called me cute names like creature and babelet and shrimpling. I feel like I miss those pet names more than anything else. I never fought with anyone the way I fought with you. Passion was definitely not lacking in our relationship. But you were mean just like the rest and destroyed my trust in you over and over again with your 'oh we're just friends' answer. when we both know it was more than that. now you're dating one of those just friends and have recently proven to me how awful you are, you can't be faithful to anyone. though I do miss the cuddle sessions. you were great at cuddling.

Six.
it was a ****** up situation from the start. but man I was ******* crazy about you. i lost myself trying to make you happy and as it turns out it wasn't worth it, it never is. you cheated on me with her and with that I lost all of my confidence and happiness for a few months. it's starting to get better but my mind wanders and comes back to you sometimes. I thought you were the nicest one, that we were on the same page, but we weren't. you lied just like the rest of them and then told me I didn't deserve it, which made it worse. *******, I hope you and her's house burns down. Because you guys moved in together right around the time that we were supposed to. I've never felt so insignificant as the day I found that out.

There will be more, I know this. It is because I love falling in love. But it's the times in between that matter the most. To "find yourself" or embarrass yourself or sleep for days on end because you have no reason to wake up and face another ******* day. I may be cynical now but at least I'm learning.
They all lie and I'm no better at it than they are.

late night cigarettes
the scent of stale beer and *** and sweat
hair mangled and *****
limbs entwined
'I think i like - no love you'
they love you long enough to ***

so i lean down-light another cigarette
lightly rub my swollen lips
and ask them quietly to leave
-before the same words escape their throat

it's better that way.

public transit fleeting past windows
glimpsing into peoples lives for seconds at a time
silhouetted against a darkening sky
a freeze frame of an intricate positions you will never recognize
windows into situations you will never be a part of
your breath fogs the glass with curiosity
you are a figure in the background
you are not even an afterthought

emotions criss cross across the city similar to the spiderweb of lights
that draw out a map from above
eye contact with strangers feels intimate
all of these separate beings
-disconnected thoughts
-disconnected feelings
-stories tightly bound to their bodies

it's a casual nod while flicking a cigarette to the ground
stomping through slush laden sidewalks
passing open windows where music pours into empty streets

there is something so vulnerable about this place
possible missed connections paralyze you into avoiding interactions
3am train rides on abandoned cars feel romantic with your headphones on
a sea of anonymous faces
the collective nothing

momentary blurs of unfamiliar rooms, searching for something you can relate to
someone to feel the same
your counterpoint

just to know that while surrounded by so many living breathing messes you are not alone
nobody has it as together as they think they do.

cold wood floors and slanted sunlight
glass panes exposing brick walls and alleys
the soft humming of a fan
muffled car horns from another place
barely penetrate our consciousness
the only thing that registers is you
nothing else is real
but your fingers lightly dancing on my bare skin
your slow breathing opposite your racing heart
your hair sticking up and matted pushed against the pillow
the feel of your warm body against mine
amongst a sea of mismatched covers
the same covers we would unbutton and climb inside
I remember feeling the thin fabric against my back
exploring this new world until we were both out of breath
and sticky with sweat

this is the only thing that matters
I can lean in and exhale softly against your neck
and kiss your collarbone
and you just smile

these moments I get a familiar sensation
similar to when I was younger and would float on my back in lake michigan
suspended in time gazing up at a cloudless sky
quiet, surreal-feeling everything and nothing at the same time

then I'm pulled back to you
and remember how you made me feel at home
these are the thoughts I can't let go
god, I miss you.

Struggling through wreckage of past thoughts for new material
past and new don’t work anymore
things past, now irrelevant
connections that once felt so real, now long forgotten
no dusting needed, too lived in
like old sweaters finally frayed up the sleeves
and left in a car I’ll never see again

the new, the now, the every night excitement
of just hearing a voice
respond with the love you give out
it heals all

no longer spent
on 4 bottles of wine and 2 packs of cigarettes
in a night of dismay spewing
words off a balcony to no one in particular
just wanting something to say to the world
that makes sense

I see them and don’t linger on times past, once experienced now
molded into where I have come and
what I have come to accept
and you
are it.
you are the breath on the window those many years ago
as I watched him leave
you are the smashed cactus I felt bad for
once it had left my hands
you are the thread that held me together
I didn’t even know you
I didn’t even know it.
every bad moment that made
getting to you, makes sense now
every good moment that
made sunshine seep through my pores
pales in comparison
to just laying next to you

hi, soul mate
hi, daydream
hello, my love.

you said you drove by my old house hoping i was in town
you know i don't live there anymore
maybe we will touch again, a broken record
we both are just so sad in the moment
-left alone, fumbling for someone who cares
awkward dry kisses and sticky skin
don't you remember?
it was convenient, it wasn't real
how do you really feel was on the tip of my tongue majority of the time
passion can't be faked and we had none

but still our connection was there
i didn't want to see anyone else, every day
touching your curly hair in the lawn
counting every freckle while the sun left stripes across our bodies and my wall
the only person that would stay up until we could pretend we slept
making me feel sane, smoking frantic bowls under bridges
avoiding reality
instead of letting my guard down, i put them up
because i knew your type, it was too easy to read

i don't know what to think now
it's been two years and two ******* relationships
for us both.
you say you realized how much of an ******* you were
you say you've been thinking of me
you say you miss me
i say you're bored.

I already forgot how it is to feel him
now I feel someone different entirely, body mind and soul
with so many connections
how can you tell the false ones
when they feel so irrevocably real in that moment
how many people am i
that i can contort to fit each soul

maybe that was the problem  

maybe that is the solution

to find a likeness
not exactly similar but accepting
of the complexity and wonder that
explodes like colors, leaves, cotton on heavy summer air
slowly falling and resting on you
and you never bother to brush it off
like he did

when your feet feel heavy
like the are not your own
lifting your head off your arm
to see that you have 4 stops left

placing it down again
forgetting to be acceptable
you're too tired to care
your mind is already on
eggs and toast and
silence

the day is so pretty it comes through your eyelids
making it hard to concentrate and realize
that you are you
you can feel people whisper around you
are you okay
are you OKAY
are YOU OKAY
until it's become a deafening roar
and the words don't even look right on paper
O K A Y
nobody is ******* okay
everybody just deals with their ****
some better than most
and the ones that are best at hiding it
are the biggest *******

most of the time i love the bus
the mom getting on with her kids
that turn around in the seat and poke me-i don't even mind
the homeless people asking for money-well **** i've been hurting so i always give them something
the end of shift city workers falling asleep in their jackets, their eyelids going lower and lower and their hands ***** of powder, cement, drywall
waiters, waitresses always dressed their best after hours of doing what another person called upon
first year college kids talking about which boy will be at which party impervious to outcomes, doing it again and again
until they find something mutual
old women who have seen more than anyone on here combined, where you stand up and want to hug them because *******!
i hope i am that i am that old one day and i will not be nearly as nice

but then your stop comes and you get off
as anonymously as possible
and go to your "home"
and those people you saw
they will end up at their homes
and who is going to be judging who then.

i am lost too
everyone is, but nobody like you
the only one that i think of everyday
half of the time i have nothing to say

who am i
to put myself in the shoes of others
to understand the pain that they have felt,
the nights where they were bleeding in a bathtub and i was thousands of miles away
the nights they were screaming into pillows and wake up robbed of sleep
the days where the only thing that would numb memories
was *****
or blood

so self absorbed
i've realized, i am
my problems were the biggest
but really

i can be happy in the sun coming through my windows at the right angle
i can find pleasure in just walking to the bus
awful things have happened to me
but nothing like what happened to you.

i'm sorry i wasn't there
i'm sorry i couldn't stop it
i would have killed him
i can't make you feel better because i don't know how

but you
you are the most beautiful
you are the most intelligent
you are the best person i ever met
what happened is not a part of you
and i hope someday you understand that

i think of us crying and naked
sitting with our knees up hugging in my bathroom
i've never heard such desperation in your voice
that is what scared me
"help me, please help me"
it just bounces in my skull until i want to shake you and
hug you and tell you how loved you are

i don't know what to do
and this isn't even a poem
just something that might help me figure out
how i can get through to you