White noise.
It's all that's left now.
The constant thrumming of sound,
washing through my veins,
easing it's way into my mind.
There's no feeling left at all,
Is there?
Because if there is,
I certainly can't find it.

Trapped in my own mind,
the pounding in my ears,
sounds like sand,
sliding through my veins,
weighing me down even more,
than I was before.

Was this even a good idea?
The color of this room drives me crazy.

White.
White walls.
White floor.
White door.
And that stupid fluorescent white light.

That one light keeps looking at me,
it just watches me.
It's constantly reflecting off my pale skin,
prodding it's way through my bright blue eyes,
to poke at the back of my brain.
Why does it have to be so bright?
Why does it have to be so...white.

It's like this entire room was built to watch me fall apart within it.
To constantly reflect my pain upon it's walls.
To beg me to stain it with the colors of my insides.

Red.

Red is what I see.
Hiding my eyes under my hair,
I see red.
The white light is forced to shift it's hue for me,
as I gaze upon it through my spider web of thought.
No one knows what I hide behind my eyes.
No one knows how hard it is to refrain from painting this room.
To cover up the white with red,
and to rid myself of the constant colorless noise.

I won't get drunk often.
Why do it in the first place?!
I don't see the big deal.*
That's because you won't listen!
How can I tell you how I feel?
When you're busy living in a place so surreal.
I can't even tell you what's on my mind,
and I fear that I have been left behind.
Why can't I just shut up and agree?
Why can't I just be normal and see?
See what it's like to mess myself up,
don't stop drinking 'til the end of the cup.
Well that just doesn't appeal to me,
is this the way things have to be?
I don't see the point in losing my mind,
and for some stupid reason, that leaves you blind.
Blind to my wants and blind to my needs,
You don't think something's wrong until it bleeds.

Well I'd like to tell you,
just how I feel.
So maybe today,
I'll show you what's real.

I realized something today.
I realized that,
no matter how many stupid things you put me though,
we had some good times.
But I admit,
the bad might have out shined the good.
In the end,
I knew I would miss you,
But...
I didn't think I would hate you.
And the truth is,
I really do hate you.

I fought against it for a while,
trying to tell myself,
that you had a justifiable reason,
for doing everything you did.
But you don't.
You never have.
And you never will.
Everything you did to me,
was malevolent,
painful,
abusive,
manipulative,
and traumatizing.
And I wish I could make it all go away,
But I can't.

This is my only escape.

Every time I look at you,
you **** the life straight out of my heart,
and the feeling from my limbs.
It's suddenly harder to breathe,
and my blood starts to boil.
And underneath all of those symptoms,
there's a question.
"Who are you?!"
Who are you...
all I want to know,
is who you are.
Because you're definitely not anything that I recognize.

I realize now,
That I was set up from the very start.
But I'd like to think,
if not for just one second,
that 2 years and 6 months actually meant something to you.
Something more than stringing me along,
because I really can't put my life back together,
knowing that you're just out to mess it up.
And I know you are,
because every single thing you've done,
for the past 10 months,
has been deliberate enough for me to see,
that you're just trying to ruin me.
And you know what?
I try to stop you.
But you just break me down so completely, and,
so,
*******,
easily.

Remember what I said?
About how hard it is for me to even look at you?
Think of how bad it is for me to hear your voice!
Your harmonious voice,
taunting me in melodious tongues,
prodding into my brain,
and planting new seeds of doubt,
where they will no doubt grow and bloom.
One word is all it takes.
It doesn't even have to be towards me,
it just has to be around me.
It flows around me,
as surely as the air flows through my lungs.
And it fills my system with dripping venom.
Constricting,
writhing it's way into my thoughts,
and slowly enveloping my heart.
I don't know how long my heart can stay choked like this.
I need air,
I need freedom,
but most of all,
I need reassurance that I'm going to be okay...

In the end,
I know I'll never get to say any of this to you.
But I'd still like to say it.
You're a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Really.
You're a sadistic, abusive, manipulative, conniving, malevolent...****.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I wish I could take my years, months, hours and minutes back,
so I could have spent them with who I'm with now.
Because never in my entire life,
have I found someone who makes me smile as easily as he does.
His scent makes my heart flutter,
and his happiness is contagious.
When I'm in his arms,
everything is okay.
But there's still that silent sense of foreboding.
That sense that you're still out there,
destroying the lives of other girls,
like you did mine.

I don't know when I'll heal.
Or when I'll even start to heal.
But now I know the first step.

*I need to accept the fact that I need help.

Living in your shadow is worse than hell!
I'm so *******, can you not tell?!
I hide from you everyday,
because I just want you to go away...

I'm sick of my parents talking about you.
I'm sick of all the praise they give you.
I'm so sorry that I can't compare to you,
but I thought parents were supposed to love me too?

Well mom, it's  obvious that you don't care,
I got that from all the times you weren't there.
All the time you spend showing off my brother,
It makes me sick to call you my mother.

Dad, don't worry, you get a punch too.
For all the ******* you've put me through.
"Work harder, like your brother!"
Is what you tell me to do,
but I don't think I want to be like any of you.

I'm so scared of how you'll treat me,
when you find out about this game I'm playing.
You thought you had me all figured out,
but I guess I'm just good at wearing a fake smile.

I don't know how you'll react,
when you see how much you were wrong,
when you find out I was  broken from the start,
how I've  been suffering for so long.

But now, I need help.
I can't take it anymore.
And I'm so scared of how you'll react,
when you find me on the floor.