In a world of chaos you were my only hope.
Your blank, pale expression stared at me,
with your faded blue lines running across your perfect emptiness.
Your untouched, untapped potential for relief and sanctuary begging me to splatter my ink, my blood across you.
It invited me to share my sorrows and woes, my happiness but most of all my lows.
So, paper, pen, poem-
I spill my guts to you.
I pour my soul out to you, knowing that you’re always there to listen.

But the truth is, this chaos cannot be contained in such a few lines, in such a few words.
The complexity of Life’s twists cannot be shortened or summed up here.

I could never think of a word to describe the…. empty?.... feeling I got when he returned home, only to repack his bags and leave again.
I could never think of a word to describe the….apathetic?.... feeling I got when they told us it was about change, but at the same time they told us what we could and couldn’t say.
I could never think of a word to describe the…despondent?... feeling I got when he said he was in love with me, but that we could never be together.
I could never think of a word to describe the…?... feeling I got as I hugged her and brushed her tears away, knowing that were caused by me,
I could never think of a word to describe the...?... feeling I got when I begged them to trust me, even though I couldn’t even trust myself.

There are no words or phrases that can capture the irony of day to day living,
of hating life but being afraid of death,
of wishing them to go away but praying they would stay,
of wanting to move a thousand miles away but being unable to take the first step.
I can not capture the way I feel on these days when Life smiles in my face as she holds a gun to my head,
When Life tells me she loves me and holds me close,
but watches as she fills my eyes with tears because she has loosened her grip and is letting me slip away.

So, paper, pen, poem-
I spill my guts to you.
And I beg you to listen, cause I can’t even hear myself.

I am paralyzed.
My body will not move.
It's locked here, in this exact position,
Fixated on you,
resting on you but not dependent on you.
Simply… fixated.
Juxtaposed to where your limbs fit perfectly around mine and mine within yours into this perfect state of paralysis.
Paralyzed by you.
Stopped dead in moving existence and forced to cease all other activity
at that exact moment
so that all my body knows how to do is breathe in,
out,
breathe you in and out.
Taking in every second of this moment with or without choice, regardless, reduced to this state of complete paralysis.
Although everything inside stirs, warms, and moves I am still paralyzed by you.
I am restless and excited, aching to touch you and pull you even closer, but still it’s impossible for me to move.
To shake this hold that stops me and paralyzes me.
Caused by your touch, gaze, eyes, breath, beauty, lips,
absolute perfection that paralyzes those who it touches.
I, too, have been paralyzed by every ounce of you.
Your presence in this room
the image of you in my mind.
It forces the world to stop so that in my paralysis, all that matters is you,
and you here with me.

Blue eyes! Blue Eyes! Where might my blue eyes be?
I am stranded in this situation, so I look for them frantically.
Oh, those eyes, they’re always so blue yet warm.
They mend my wounds and easily repair the torn.

The repetition has made me grow dependent on them,
so I face no challenge without them ever again.
They hold my hand and support me when I’m weak.
They hold my breath and even expel the words I cannot speak.

So now I search helplessly in darkness, blind,
because in this moment my Blue Eyes I cannot find.
But behind me they speak- they’ve been there all along!
Forgive me! Blue Eyes, for I once doubted you, and I was wrong.

And now that you’re gone, I have you all to myself.
I dove into the sheets and drowned in the temptation I couldn’t help.
The sweet scent of satisfaction… and of despair,
The remnants of the love and passion that we shared.
I can almost taste you now, even though you’re gone.
I can feel you push and pull, all right and all wrong.

Sometimes I think I need you
So that I don’t feel alone.
So when I call you answer easy, as if coming home.
Other times I just need to be touched
To remember the passion and the lust.
We all search for these feelings, only to be crushed.

But just for tonight, let me pretend you’re mine.
Just for tonight,
let me indulge in that which you confine.
Let me call you names,
let me say “I love you.”
Let me hold you tight,
as if this love is true.
I’ll only use you a little,
just to take care of this.
And you can use me too,
through this next oh so passionate kiss.
We need each other, you see
Because relationships are a thing of the past.
Lust and passion like this,
this is what’s built to last.

So let me tell you “I love you”
Because if it could that’s what my body would say,
Let me tell you “I love you”
Can you really thank someone for *** in another way?

Virginity lost,
innocence stolen.
Sheets tangled,
emotions interwoven.
***** clothes,
ruffled hair.
Questions of how,
when and where.
Reminders of tomorrow,
predictors for tonight.
Confirmations of standing,
Emotions just right.
Placed bedside,
words left out.
Lust and passion,
what tonight’s about.

Morning confession,
admittance of sin.
Wishing lust to stop,
but praying it’ll never end.
Emotions dressed,
worn only during day.
Then changed at night,
seeking for new prey.

Virginity lost,
innocence stolen.
Stealing dignity,
never beholden.
A thin veil,
an attempt to cover.
Comes off at night,
under new cover.

Virginity confirmed,
finally dead.
Studies done,
in the bed.
Innocence gone,
never alive.
Veil disappeared,
ending the strive.
Bedside table,
falls apart.
Pieces found in sheets,
of an intertwined heart.
Lust and passion,
exchanged here.
Intertwined with emotions,
cries hard to overhear.

Hello good-bye.
Hello good-bye.
Twenty years compounded into twenty minutes
Please make this night last forever.
The clock ticks the minutes pass nice to meet you over and over again
Rise and fall only to rise over and over again
Shaking hands introduction meeting
Killing so softly softly slowly
Only to be born again
Rising living born here right now in this moment within the last twenty minutes
Twenty years crashing colliding complete
Completely alive right now and for the next twenty minutes
Inhaling and exhaling deeply slowly making the minutes last forever
Please make this night last forever.

Sleeping moon never asleep guided by the light
Guided softly softly slowly death like birth dying feels like living
Living life in one night in twenty minutes
Twenty minutes of perfection flawlessness beauty grace
Softly perfect sinking away shining away
Morning sun rising reflecting
Reflecting eyes that speak twenty years
Eyes that whisper beauty grace perfection life and death hope and tragedy
Twenty years in twenty minutes in those eyes
They made the night last forever and the morning arrival too soon
Hello hugging embracing shaking trembling good-bye
Good-bye admit good-bye to the night to the eyes to the life to the air
Hello to the morning good-bye to the night
Night that lasted forever that brought death and life
That rises and falls
Wishing it would rise again and last forever.

Please leave me alone.
Stop telling me to be skinner, I am happier.
Stop telling me to be taller, I am happier.
I am happy being me.
Your comfort is pointless; I am gorgeous when I cry.

The more you force feed us your lies and expectations the thinner we get,
the closer we get to your ideal
your nothingness.
Until we eat ourselves away into nothing.
We rot into nothing.
Devoid of flavor and taste,
of heart and emotion.
So thin even the blood is our veins weighs too much.
And our heavy hearts and full heads are forced to be emptied,
just so we are thin enough to fit into your ideal,
so that I can compete at the optimum level.

**** the playing field, this is war.
This is me vs. her vs. him vs. them
I will fast for days so I can win this war.
Because that’s what they tell us to do.
To win, to win her, to win him; I must win his affection, his eye, his gaze.
I must win.
I am not allowed to congratulate anyone, to feel empathy or love.
Everyone is an enemy, everyone is a friend.
At the end of the day we’re all helping each other, you see.
We want you to be healthy!
We want you here, with us, stay with us!
Join us.
Be with us.
Be with me.
I’ll do whatever it takes!
Keep me!
I promise, by Spring I will fit into those jeans,
into that ideal.
But for now, my waist is too big, my hips too wide.
I promise you, by Spring, I will have completely changed.
Being a medium was always too big anyway.