fighting bees

fighting bees Apr 2014

Reasons why I will never let myself forget

I am here today because once my father forced me to enter a writing competition and i came second and he was so so so disappointed and angry in ways that you can never understand because i will tell you.
They have both forced me to do many things.
I don't want to talk about those things anymore because all i get is screaming and hurting in my eyes and i begin to sound like a child.
I am here today because people have been telling me my whole life that i am things that i am not and i have believed them.
I am here today as me and the me that i will become because once i fell out of a tree and couldn't feel my body for exactly 3 minutes and 16 seconds and in those moments i saw infinity.
And the reasons that i have cried are also the reasons that I have lived and for this I am eternally and internally grateful.
All of them were exactly who I needed for me to be me.
And sometimes I sit in the bathroom crying and sometimes in the twilight everything is so ******* unfair and i do not want them to be who they are and I do not want me to be me.
It would be easier.
And maybe they do make my insomnia worse and maybe they have ruined my smile.
But they have also forced me to teach myself things that keep me from being like the rest and they have made it possible for me to understand why people die.
So i say yes, to the people who say I needed them
I say, yes, you are right i did need them. I needed my family so i could find out that there are worse people than me
And they will never let me forget

They are the reason that i couldn't do any of it but I can know and they cannot stop me

fighting bees Apr 2014

This is final.

so i am here this morning to show you the moons and they are not the moons that everyone else sees but they are beautiful all the same
and i refuse to be destroyed but what they can't see.

and i planted a tree in the sky and felt its leaves but i was too short and no one else would water it so it is dead.
i will never let them destroy my plants again.

they will never again trample them and drag their own dreams into my soil or use the hedge trimmers on a sunday afternoon
shut up i am sleeping turn that thing off.

I have made a decision

fighting bees Apr 2014

This is so much more

You see i would fight them for you
i would fight the stars
and the bookstores and the forests, all of them
for you.
and this is not a declaration of love
because you love him and he loves you and i have never loved either of you.
this is me telling you that he will never do these things for you.
which is why my window will always be open,
and i will try to punch them
even though the last time i got in a fight there were so many bruises and a black eye that was so hard to hide and i had mild concussion and i started to fail a class.
because when i look at you i see all the things that i have ever hidden in the dirt and the chain fences and i cry oh i cry.
and so do you.
if i had the courage to do it i would tell you it all and even though i never have, you need to know that i have never even thought of telling any one else. There is only you and there will always only be you.
i have seen you cry and you have seen me.
I have held your hand and you have held mine.
you bought me icecream and so have i.
i underlined your book once by accident because i thought it was mine and this as far i can ever get to explaining it.
that i love you. and not this love that they have told you where there is a ***** and ****** or two mouths, because you have never kissed him and you think girls are gross. this is more.
this is roots and broken teeth and screaming and phone calls
and i love you.

for michael.

fighting bees Apr 2014

untitled (like my life)

It is the middle of the night and today all i can think about is the sky
and the line of that river
and i am seeing all the dead people in my head again
please help
****.

fighting bees Apr 2014

How to pretend to be an Aquatic mammal

this is a sun
and also simultaneously a black hole
and all we ever do is pretend to make metaphors out of astronomy
When really the only person who was really original when he talked about the stars was some scientists thousands of years ago
i am jealous of him because he could probably grow a beard
and was a male
and had original ideas
and did i mention the ****** hair
The last time I remembered what the sun was like was last Sunday
and you were eating an ice cream
and wearing those shoes that remind me of fish
Everyone I know is scared of fish.
I feel sorry for the poor fish.
Your eyes can swim better than any fish ever will.
your skin is full of volcanoes and lava
and it burns me like nothing else will ever burn.
but your eyes are fish, who live in the ocean.
they know the blue
and that's why i always forgive you.
Because your skin may burn
and your fingers may act like falling trees
and your voice may constantly be crying to the night
But your eyes are the silver fish who guide me to the seafloor.
And in the ocean, your voice is silent and your fingers are still.

fighting bees Mar 2014

******* disney you got it all wrong

this is the sound of the trees.
Its the same sound smoke makes, and the moon, and birds eggs and old clocks.
It is violins and percussion and arpeggios and singing like crying
it sounds like the Lion King, likes it the circle of Life.
But there are no baby cubs held up into the sunlight in this song.
There are no baboons who will tell you the secrets of life.
in this song, the zebras and the giraffes do not parade for the baby lion, they do not live peacefully with their killers.
in this song, all of them are dead, or have been trampled into the dust.
In this song, when your father dies, you are not allowed to run away from it with some happy strangers.
no, you have to bury him, and speak at his funeral, and plant flowers on top of his new home.
you do not get to become king over all the things he showed you as a child.
A cousin, in Scotland, gets that crown, because your father always hated you.
You get an old watch, and all the books on his bookshelf.
38 books on old comedians, and 1 on carpentry.
You read them at 2 in the morning, on the days you don't have to go to school because you punched the french exchange student, and you have been suspended.
None of them make you laugh, not even when you know it should be funny.
The next night, you build a bird house, with ripped up biology notes as the floor.
your mother complains about the noise, but when she looks at your eyes, she gives you back the hammer, and goes to bed with earplugs in.
birds really enjoy ******* on quizzes about recessive and dominant genes in farm animals

fighting bees Mar 2014

Boy listen to me

After she cries, she washes her hands in scalding hot water, until the skin is ready to break away from her bones, and she is red and shaking.
You don't know this.
You don't know her.