you want to know me
see me
in ways no one has.
but that isn't how you know me.
i wish it were,
i wish we could sit in your car
on a cold winter night
and i'd tell you everything.
trust me, there's so much i want to tell you.
and i would,
i'd turn myself inside out in front of you.
but
that isn't how you know me.
you'll know me in little pieces
and just a single one at a time
like ripping the tiniest bits of paper up
and throwing them in a
glass jar with the words "rainy day"
written on it in marker.
i'll sing to you, i promise
and i'll show you all my poems
and paintings
and you'll know everything.
just so long as you stay
stay with me
love me
wait for me
to show you
me.

I don't know where this feeling in my stomach comes from. I wish it would stop. Empty and sick. I wish it would stop. It feels as though something is wrong, something is missing. I have no idea what. It's like a horrible opposite to deja vu. Alone is all the feeling I get from it, alone and maybe confused. Unsatisfied, but I wouldn't know how to begin to get what I need. Is this all life is?

Scars on my wrists, scars on my legs,
“Stop hurting yourself,” he begs.
Can’t stop crying. “I’m just so tired,” I sigh.
I’m alone, and I think I want to die.

You were there. How am I supposed to act like I have no one to talk to about this... thing.. when you were there? You went through it, too. Is it killing you, too? I buried it but I guess not deep enough. It has been fighting me because it doesn't want to stay in - it wants to scream, it wants to cry. It wants to cry for days. But if I let myself cry I'm not sure I would stop before we drowned.
I think I might miss you. And I decided if you call again, I won't hang up this time. I thought for a moment you might see this and call, but then I remember it's the only thing you know nothing of. You can't see these words.
I think I might wish you did.

Lost,
gone,
away
forever.
I don't know why I'm so angry.
It's not as if you could have known better.
I miss you so much,
more every day.
I never knew you,
but I feel such pain.
I wish I had known you,
I wish you were here.
Nothing would matter,
at least something would be clear.
You were perfect to me, even when I wasn't sure.
You didn't deserve this. You were so pure.
I miss you so much,
more every day.
It doesn't get easier.
Time doesn't heal pain.

i wonder if you honestly thought that i didn't know all my flaws when you were screaming them at me.
i did. i knew. i still have bad habits, but they aren't as bad. i know you probably don't care.
i stopped ripping my flesh with blades out of pencil sharpeners
but not long enough ago for all of wounds to have healed yet.
and nothing goes up my nose anymore, or in my veins,
but now i sleep too much and eat even worse than i did before.
and i can't seem to stop biting my nails because i have no clue what i'm doing until they're all ripped away and hurt like hell.
the rest of my life is like that, too.
i wonder if you ever wondered why i never told you all the things you did wrong.
i won't waste your time telling you now.
but you had bad habits, too. you had your flaws.
i hear you put your fists down
but now you spend your nights in new york
with bottles and bloodshot eyes
or on little stages singing your songs about me.

tell her she is the girl you dreamed of.
tell her that her scars don't matter,
and repeat it over and over.
think of every little thing you love about her,
then put it in a letter under her pillow.
tell her just how you've planned out your future with her.
make sure she knows it was all for her, about her.
tell her how much you love her every single day
and never stop trying to find new ways.