I’m doing fine without you.
Everyone said it and everyone was so sure
and everyone was right because
I can go whole hours and days without thinking of you. I never thought I would be able to do that.
I’m doing fine without you,
and I hope you’re fine, too.
I’d say sorry but neither of us are. I’d say I miss you but I don’t.
You’d say you hate me but you probably don’t care enough anymore.
Hate is exhausting, I know.
I’m doing fine without you.
It’ll be a year in July since I found someone better.
And it’ll be two in August since we ruined everything.
Bout five since I didn’t know who you were,
so about five since I was happiest.
But I’m happy again.
I’m doing fine without you.

I am emotional and emotionless. I love myself, I hate myself. I am happy, I am sad. I am so so sad. I want to get married. I hate the thought of it. I would love to have a baby with you. That’s a horrible idea. Maybe I should end this, I want this to last forever. Don’t ever leave me, I don’t need you. I feel great, everything hurts. Everything.. hurts. I want to die, waste of life. I want to die, I want to stay. I want to die, I’ll be here for you. I want to be your everything, I can’t handle that. I can’t sleep, I’m so tired. I need help, no I don’t, I’m fine. I’m fine, I’m falling apart. I’m not okay, can’t tell. Terrified of truth, it’s ripping my insides out.
and
I hurt.

you are a stupid girl with a loaded gun in your chest

you never sleep, you never rest.

i swear you know the way home

and you swear you don’t

everything broke right before your eyes

your smile fell and so did you,

but i didn’t want to fight.

you handed me your heart and said

hold it to the light

they stole many pieces of me.

i thought of what a sight you must have been

young and innocent and whole.

i cried for you, i cried so hard

for what you used to be,

i'm sitting alone in the dark again,

because you never cried for me.

So many thoughts, even beautiful ones
lost over the day.
They'll come and I'll smile and think
"I should write that down."
But I never do.
Maybe it's poetic.

hello
low and behold
i am the ghost of what we could have been
give me your hand, let me show you
what should have been.
omission of flaws and insincerity,
shine light to my heart that pathetically
only would beat for you.
i am only too certain
you made such a great mistake.
but i get it,
i was too broken.
whatever.

I used to love the scars.
I used to love them, and they would comfort me when I was sad.
Now they are only a reason to stop, a preventative measure, something to convince myself to find another way to feel better, but it's not easy.
I used to love the way they looked on my skin,
now I cannot stand them being there. They are unwelcome.
I wish they would leave my skin forever, and I swear I'd never make another. I swear, I would never press that blade to my innocent skin again. I swear, I swear, I swear,
I would find another way to make the sadness leave.

*5.26.13

I am yin
And you are yang
While I don't always see
Light within the day
You are facing the sun
And I live in the dark
But still I love you
More than all the stars

*3.5.13