You could learn a lot about a person by whether or not they like rollercoasters.
A dream told me that once.
So when I woke up I asked people what they thought.
I didn’t know how to decipher their answers
Until recently.
There are two types of people in this world
Those whose chaos is consistent
Their weekends are filled because they don’t have time to listen; they just have time to do.
Most of them smoke (not all) because filling their lungs is the next best thing to filling their hearts.
Patience is unbeknownst to them.
Life is always playing a game of catch up, because they move too quickly to understand
that good things come to those who wait.
They hate rollercoasters. The track doesn’t lie straight; they can handle the speed but not the turns.
Then there are those whose chaos comes in bouts.
They lead life in an endless line of day to day
They lock windows during thunderstorms
Afraid of what the sky might share
These are the ones to be cautious of.
When their hectic hits, it’s a ******* typhoon
No amount of alcohol and cigarettes can contain them.
Rollercoasters are for them, because they’ve grown used to crazy coming in twists.
They are patient souls
Life doesn’t need to prove itself to them.
They are content with short weekends and long weeks.
I don’t know if all of this is true.
Perhaps I’m deciphering it all wrong
But you could still learn a lot about a person by whether or not they like rollercoasters.
I love them.

You Frenchman
You explorer
You harbor courage I could only dream of having
There is something burning inside of you that people around you wish for.
I’ve never met someone so in tune with the truth
So coherent with what the world is saying.
So present
You don’t believe in God
But you believe in this world.
You left because you wanted more
You came back because more was your origin
Life hands you lemons and you make something new.
You dream something big.
You transcend labels
I saw kindness in you first.
Kindergarten you let me in your club
I’ve remembered that ever since.
I remember that each day so I can find happiness in small places.
In kind words and strangers’ smiles.
Your curiosity is insatiable
You ask questions hourly so you don’t have room to stop growing.
You don’t have room to stop thinking.
You don’t have room to stop dreaming.
You believe in more than we can understand.
Your mind is extraterrestrial.
It is not well-known to think outside of yourself.
But you do.
You’re name means door keeper
It fits because you welcome others so humbly.
I could spend a day in your mind and still never fully understand you.
But that’s okay, because I’m not supposed to.
Thirteen years has taught me nothing.
Another thirteen won’t do.

You are not broken.
That term describes shattered glass
That term describes electronics that don’t work.
It doesn’t describe humans.
It doesn’t describe feelings.
It is not an excuse for anger, and spite.
It is not an excuse for raised voices and tears.
Stop searching for sorrow because that’s all you know.
Search for a light in the sky.
Follow it.
Search for companionship in humanity.
Accompany it.
Search for love in hate.
Remember it.
The sadness you feel is not permanent.
Depression is not a way of life.
It is your responsibility to find strength in dusty corners and foggy windows.
You are not empty.
You are filled with organs that work just perfectly for the sole purpose of giving you another day.
Do not take that for granted.
Do not wallow in anger because this is hard.
Do not give up.
You are worth much more than that knife in your hand
You are worth much more than that noose around your neck.
This universe is large
But you are not small
Rid your vocabulary of excuses
Start speaking the language of heartbeats and galaxies
Because they are important
As are you.
You are not broken.
You are not empty.
You are not the sum of two syllable words.
You are a heart. Filled to the brim.
If only you'd learn how to use it.

I believe in fate.
I sound like such a sappy cliché
“Everything happens for a reason”
But **** it, because that’s what I believe
I like to know that everything I do is for a purpose
Everything I see I was meant to see.
Everyone I’ve met has pushed me closer to becoming the person I am supposed to be
My life wouldn’t mean much if I didn’t believe in a future brighter than the present.
If I didn’t believe I could still grow
It’s called self actualization. I’m not saying I’ll reach it
But I’d like to get close.
I believe in fate, because I believe in God.
And that **** gets heavy.
And I know people will laugh at me
Saying how naïve I am.
Because how could a God exist in a world full of hate.
In a world filled people who hate because of skin color, or who a person sleeps with at night.
So much proof gives way to the idea that he can’t exist.
The Big Bang.
The atoms we are made from.
We come from stars.
No really we are made of stars.
Another sappy cliché deemed true by a science that feels the need to explain everything.
Every breath I take is for a reason.
And every atheist in the world can tell me I’m wrong.
But I’ve found purpose in this world
And I think that scares people.
But what scares me is having no purpose
No mark to leave
I hope humanity can find something to believe in whether it’s God, or fate, or karma or a combination of all three.
Whatever gets you to sleep at night.
Because you know what.
It’s none of my ******* business.
If I lived my life intolerant
Well then my purpose is ******
My beliefs belong solely to myself
We are all going to end up in the same place
Whether we believed in it first or not.

Its 2:00 a.m. on a Tuesday
I’m sitting here reading quotes off the internet.
It’s this time where I race through my mind for the best word to say next.
Because despite what I say.
I care what goes through people’s minds when they see me.  
And as hard as I try
Every part of me is a part of someone else
Every word I speak I was taught
And every thought I have was influenced by someone.
I speak about things that are tangible
Because my mind hides parts that you can’t feel
You see I make fun of who I was
Because it isn’t who I am now
I do it so no one else will
Because despite what I say
I care what people thought
Thought as in past
Because the thoughts you left behind
I’ve picked up
I’ve had some for years
They aren’t all bad
But some wrench my heart
I still have them because they taught me to be unashamed
And I suppose that’s a lesson I’m still being taught
You see out of the qualities I have
My best is defining who I am.
Because you see, that is tangible and easy
Because it takes only words.
I am Alexis.
I am a twin
I speak loudly and care too much too often.
I tend to smother and sometimes I forget to say thank you
The descriptions too heavy for words are the ones that scare me
The ones I see when I look in the mirror for the 7th time before I leave my room
The ones that rattle my lungs
And hang low in my stomach when I’m having an off day.
Because despite what I say.
What I haven’t said is the part that matters.

I’ve found myself feeling sad at night.
This is not something I say to make myself sound poetic or wounded.
Because no one should ever try to be those things.
They just are.
But as I was saying.
I’ve been feeling sad at night.
And I’ve tried my hardest to find the root of this emotion
Because every morning I wake up with the sun on my shoulder
And I swear I couldn’t thank God enough for the chance to breathe again.
For the chance to see and feel another day.
But I’ve felt this emptiness lately that the night seems to share.
This feeling of unfullfilment.
I’ve thought a lot about the cause of it.
The reason for this.
But there is none.
If anything I have every right to feel fulfilled.
I’m breathing, I have family who are very much alive.
I have friends I speak with every day
And still.
There is something
Missing.
I don’t know what it is.
I haven’t the slightest idea.
And this alone is the most unsettling part.
No root.
No cause
Nothing.
A perfectly healthy 18 year old girl
Who finds herself unhappy at night.
Sounds strange to say outloud.
But there it is.
And I know some would call it selfish.
Stop ******* about your feelings when people are suffering
People are bleeding
People are starving
People are cold
And I’ve found that it’s very easy to say these things about people I don’t know.
But I don’t know the struggles of others , and they don’t know my struggles either
So I can only pray that people don’t say these things about me.
Selfish isn’t it?
Nothing worth talking about.
But still I am.
I’ll just wait for the morning.

I’ve been in love  
With more things than I care to count.  
I fell for the sky the moment I realized the city hides it’s stars.  
I fell for that picture, because it was easy to love a moment.  
I fell for iced tea, because it refreshed me.  
I’ve never tried to hide things about myself.  
Never thought it better to keep things secret.  
I kept one.  
It was something I’d refused to feel.  
Everything I never wanted.  
To ashamed to want.  
It was a person.  
It was a boy.  
I think I fell in love  
But whose to say what it actually was.
I mean for God’s sake.
I fell for tea, just because it kept me cool.  
I’ve fallen for wind, and hands, and rings, and poems, and walls.
I’ve fallen for everything, because I’d always wanted to feel.  
Never needed to heal something that was broken.  
Because I never broke.  
I avoided falling for humans, because being rejected.  
It wasn’t an option for me.  
Putting up a front when it came to others, was easy.  
Everything else was easy.
Loving was easy, when they couldn’t love back.  
The first time I fell in love. Wasn’t the first time I loved.  
The first time I fell in love, was the first time I broke  
I think people assume that I hold on to everything.  
Because I remember alot.  
I think people assume I’m a *****.  
Because I probably am.  
I'd had a heart accustomed to feeling remorse for friends, never myself.  
A heart used to feeling for others, not feeling what others felt.
I never cried. Never shed a tear.  
Maybe I should have, because maybe it would have been all I needed.  
Something small broke me.
But my body never cracked. Just my heart.  
I grew small, because I was angry.  
I was capable of being large, because I loved to love.  
Things.  
Not always people.
I was forgiven.  
But I don't think I was loved  
I hope you’ve fallen for something.  
Whether it be a painting, or a mirror, or a mouth.  
I hope you’ve fallen for something.  
Because falling for something  
Was always easier than falling for someone.