I can't say that I have ever been the jealous type.
But there is something about this that is setting fire to my veins.
It burns so brightly that it steals my breath to add fuel to the flame.
This is tearing me in two.
On one side, I burn and rage
and the other grabs my heart and quickly sets the stage for a deep freeze.
Ahh yes, that is a familiar feeling.
It has always been so much easier to fall back
onto a frozen silence rather than give in
to the impassioned roar of a searing flame.
I've always fought for myself,
bristling fiercely toward those who wish to step on me
or tear me down.
But now I feel myself boiling... wanting to fight for you too.
Yet, I know myself.
And I won't.
I will freeze myself off,
sealing out doubt and fear.
I'm an airtight vessel and I won't let you find your way in through the cracks any longer.
Be still my heart, and stay cold for yet another passing year.

Last Wednesday I watched the first snowflakes fly
as I stood on a porch smoking yet another cigarette.
As each tiny, intricate crystal hit the ground and met its melty fate
I remember sending up a silent plea that this winter wouldn't bury me just like the last.
I stand braced for the cold,
holding my breath with the hope that
once I let it out there will be more to follow.
This season banks snow right up against the main doors leading to the warm parts of my heart.
All I can hope for is sufficient energy to shovel myself out from under
the crushing weight of the dark days
and snow laden road ways.
watching the winter arrive reminds me that I have a
long,
cold,
grueling
battle against myself coming right this way.
A part of me begs myself to hibernate...
to just sleep late into spring.
Instead I must prepare myself,
eyes wide,
Because trying to stop my winter is like
trying to hold back the tide.

It is so fitting that its raining today.
These clouds came in on the coattails
of a full moon that I swear
lasted three days too many.
That moon threw my life into some sort of tailspin.

What was up was all of a sudden not where I remembered it to be.
Like the full moon had strung me up by the ankles
and hung me there until I began to believe
the sky had become the ground.
It was like a rogue wave sent from Poseidon himself
to capsize my ship,
to face my world toward the ocean floor.
I honestly don't know where I want to be anymore.

Now today, the sky falls on my face,
like the clouds themselves weep for my indecision.
My ground crashed down around me.
I think I will just lay here on my ocean floor,
for once in my life
I think I just don't care anymore.

There has been a knocking at my outer door recently.
At first I faintly heard a soft knock followed by a whisper...
open up
I did my very best to deny it's direction.
that must be intended for someone else
And then the knocking became much louder and more insistent...
I was not able to further ignore the sound.
But still I refused to open the door.

I remember thinking that I was strong enough to resist this.
I am the captain of my own wayward ship.

But then instead of softly tapping or even undeniably rapping on my exterior door,
you burst right in
and all I could do was get out of the way.

Now all of a sudden I was no longer my own captain.
I had been reduced to the fish trailing behind the boat.
Caught.
Hook, Line & Sinker

I had two choices...
I could keep fighting
or I could accept my fate.

I truly could fight no longer.
I held on instead as you slowly reeled me in.

I've decided to let you change me.

I relinquished my stronghold on my heart over to you.
In a way that looked like defeat but felt so much more like relief.

It is time... I am just so drawn to you.
I can't help wanting to be close to you.
I needed to feel you close to me.

So I gave in

I am going to let you flood my heart with joy.
I am going to let this tear me open.
I can only keep my windows closed and blinds drawn for so long.

I've stopped trying to swim defiantly against the current.
I've let go and yet, I'm holding onto myself for dear life.
I can't help but feel exhilarated.

The sheer risk has blown me away.

Its like clockwork...
Am I doomed to keep repeating this pattern?
Walk this ragged and worn path,
follow the ruts that my feet continually make...
And now I ask,
How long?
Until when?
Is this going to be my fate...
to fall for the same snares each time?
As if I am blindly traipsing through a mine field that I should already know by heart.

I could love you... I can feel it in my bones.
I'm at the edge, holding on for dear life...
grasping at the ground behind me for a hold but the dirt is slowly slipping through my fingers.

Its like watching an hour glass drop its last few grains of sand.
You cannot stop the inevitable.

That's the funny thing about love, I think.
You could walk, run or crawl down that road but once you start down that path, you cannot go back.
Its as if the bricks fall away behind you as your heart compels you forward.

What's done is done.

You will never forget what it feels like... love.
That is why this is so dangerous.
Because when all signs point to a long drop and a short stop
I put my head down and work double to prove logic wrong.

Nothing about this seems right.
My mind is telling me no...
But my soul keeps resounding yes.

Fighting against feelings is like standing in front of a tidal wave,
arms outstretched determined to keep the water at bay.
You cannot stop the water from crashing over you,
sweeping you backward and away from your stronghold.
It is naive to believe that you can stop a natural disaster.

That's what this is...
a *natural disaster.

I want to hold you*
You stared into my eyes and said it with such conviction.
That's mine
You said it to me like you were admitting it to yourself as much as you were admitting it to me.
Please don't change
you whispered into my ear like it was a secret, your hands wrapped around mine.

Your hands wrapped around mine. So simple yet so foreign to me.
I've never felt so exposed by someone's unrelenting gaze.
Not even completely naked have I felt so bared.

Its like you have reached into my chest and swatted away my defenses like a giant man marching through a sea of toy soldiers with tiny plastic swords.
Reached in and grabbed onto something inside of me and it is jarring my very soul.
You have just been like an earthquake shaking up my foundations and shifting the bricks and mortar to expose what is behind the wall to the light.

The look in your eyes says
Don't write me off just yet.
And its almost like a siren song. I just keep following the path you are blazing.
Its almost like you crack me open, tear through me like a tornado in a forest and all I can do is give in to it.
Look back at the great oaks fallen in a forced clearing and wonder how this all happened.

Just when I think I am untouchable, you come out of nowhere and put me in my place.
Where that would incite a riot within me all I am left with now is resignation.
The echo of your voice rings in my ears and I am powerless to stop you.

As I sit silent and listen to you put me in my place I am torn between being angry or even scared.
The inherent need to flee the scene of this evisceration rises from the pit of my stomach.
But I cannot deny wanting to fall into your arms.
Even as you cut into me, I want you to hold me tightly.
Hold me together as you tear me apart.
It is so conflicting to me. It is confusing.
The more it hurts, the closer I want to be.
Some days I feel like a bird flying too close to the sun.

It's all I've ever wanted.

A 50 year, deep and true love.
A sweet, romantic old style courtship.
A walk to my front door and a lingering kiss goodnight.
I wish for a beautiful, love filled wedding.
A porch swing hung under the shaded awning of our charming home.
A slow dance to a Frank Sinatra in our kitchen while making dinner.
Two aged and worn armchairs in our cozy living room.

The idea of it all clouds my head with the sweet and heady haze of a fairy tale romance.

And yet, I will admit, I am the first to scoff at the very thought.