exactly a year ago, i was here.
reflecting..packing
feeling as if i'd outgrown these childish bedroom walls
anxious as to what the following year would bring

its scary how all the problems i had then seem minor to what i face today.
so very few people that remain consistent then and now.
looking in the mirror
weight gained
along with experiences
people
knowledge
and healed wounds

i left these childish walls striving to be great
today my goal is the same

i won't try to fall in love
i won't try to make someone fall in love with me
i won't fake what i can't feel

i will let go and let god.
as always.

Have you ever heard my grandmother laugh?
It's like smelling breakfast waiting for you on a Sunday morning, the sound of coffee pouring as the steam wafts above it.
Watch her face change from serene to that of a newborn baring it's first smile.
Oh when she laughs, I can only laugh harder. She's contagious.
A sound that solidifies that you're finally home.
Just like when grandpa comes bearing those oatmeal cookies he's so proud of.
A sound that reminds you who you do it for.
A sound that encourages you to just keep going.

I don't too much buy into those social media romances.
Reminding us every Monday and Wednesday
Guess whose it is

Well
I don't too much buy into those social media romances
Because pictures always last longer
And all those emojis become cliche
Hinting at all this love that may or may not exist

See
I don't too much buy into those social media romances
Although I always have moments I wish I could bare to the world
But they're better off left with me

Scrolling through these photos
See I don't too much buy into those social media romances
Because I know things are not always as they seem.

Maybe deep down she'll always be that girl that wants what she can't fully have.

Loving people that'll never know how to love her, really love her.

And a few times she'll realize her worth but then she gets consumed in this futuristic land of fomo.

fear of missing out

That wide range between reality and what if.

Reality existing in hands other than her own.

What if being behind those closed doors that make reality worthwhile.

Fearful of abandoning reality because there's that small chance that what if comes through.

Fear of missing out.
On you.

Just 3 months ago I thought I was falling in love, my neophyte.
Ha.
Now when he tries to talk to me, I'm annoyed.
Where was he three months ago?
Busy.
So when he asked if he could see me before I left again if felt good to say
Too busy

I think he's getting the hint that maybe it's really over.

Sitting in this room mad as hell.
It's raining outside. I'm jealous.
Why?

I was deprived of my O.
Selfish lover he is.
I was ****** that she gave him a teaser of water and he just ran with it.
All he needed whether I was in tune or not.

I don't know why tonight I thought it'd be different.
Welp.
He invaded my insides as I begged for compassion.
Came as a courtesy as if that's what I wanted.
WHAT ABOUT ME

Always about him
His positions
His requests
His needs

What about me

I should've gotten drunk for this
Depriving me of my O.
I could've stayed at home
Gave myself my O.

I wonder how he'd feel if he woke up just to find me fixing the mess he made.
Is that rude?

Because Maxwell is playing in the background saying
now his part is over
BUT WHAT ABOUT ME

Thundering outside
Then there's me

The good thing about God is that he keeps preventing me from leaning on my past crutches no matter how hard I try. So while I think he's letting me fall, he's really teaching me how to stand. . .