alexa mary: Poems

1.5k · Jan 2013

It Hurts

alexa mary Jan 2013

It Hurts

Swelling and drowning

I feel it coming on again

I can’t stop it anymore and it’s swallowing me whole

I let it take

me

away

because it’s so much easier to drift than fight to stay.

I slowly recover, head pounding from the aftermath

But not for long

Thinking kills

Realization hurts

Breathing becomes jagged

I can’t stop it and I let it stir me, wind me, push me, kick me, hit me, punch me

I give in

Because it’s so much easier to walk around feeling dead than pray for a heartbeat.

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

And I don’t even know why but I let it

I ignore the hectic and frantic screams rumbling from inside me

I ignore it all because it’s so much easier than to put the effort in and listen

I just want to fly away and be the bird

Sing my song in the morning and fly away and drift off whenever it hurts

Because it hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

But I can’t and I’m stuck

Forever dwindling between the scale ranging from hurt to happiness

Falling short of okay most days

But you mask it with a painted smile and go on

Even though it hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

And I don’t have a right to feel it

But I do

And it won’t go away

I ignore it but I’m not who I was

It’s not that easy anymore

And I hate myself for letting it get to this

Because now it hurts

When it should feel numb

When I was able to feel numb

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

1.3k · May 2013

MK

alexa mary May 2013

MK

I dream of the day you walk through the doors of the place I have grown to detest,
and I turn to you in shock
as you smile with your luminous eyes straight at me.
You take a seat, pen in hand, doodles sprawled upon your decrepit notebook.
As you casually, yet knowingly, glance up and look
my way,
across the room.
You stare and my eyes meet yours,
as my hand involuntarily waves,
and oh, you've done it.
You've done the impossible;
made me fall in love in the one place I hate.

1.1k · May 2013

truth is

alexa mary May 2013

truth is

I sit here and contemplate why I feel the way I do

Why I feel so alone,

so useless.

When the truth is

I’m just a closed-off,

over-clingy,

*****;

nothing,

no one.

And I get sad for a few minutes,

and drown in a swollen case of over-thinking;

but then I just smirk

and keep

moving

on.

And the process repeats

and repeats

and repeats,

over and

over

again.

874 · Dec 2012

Anything Could Happen

alexa mary Dec 2012

Anything Could Happen

Part of me will always think about you, wonder how you're holding up;
Part of me will always contemplate on who you've become, the person you ended up to be;
Part of me will always recall the certain smell of your sweater:
Peppermint and cough drops, blended with cigarette smoke;
And the way your eyes lit up when you smiled:
the little spark amalgamated within the light brown of your iris to form the twinkle;
Part of me will always look to the past and get lost in the memories:
the way you would hug me from behind and how you would join both your index and middle fingers to make that stupid-shaped heart I taught you;
Part of me will never let myself forget the hurt:
the way in which I was so blinded by what you wanted me to see, rather than see you for what you truly were;
Regardless, part of me will always care about you, hope that you're alright and doing well for yourself;
But absolutely no part of me would love you or could ever love you.
Not ever again.

590 · May 2013

i don't want to kill myself but we all complete in our own fragments

alexa mary May 2013

i don't want to **** myself but we all complete in our own fragments

i'm either not feeling anything
or simply forcing myself to not feel
to grasp my own throat
until i feel i'm about to pass out
and let go as the veins are strained in my neck
and take in that big gust of air my body begged for
as my lungs begin to pump and work again
as my heart leaps and lurches
into all sorts of action, trying to make me feel
but i simply ignore the accusations
of trying to ignore them
altogether
because i just honestly
do not feel
or refuse against the very thought

484 · May 2013

now do you see why i don't believe in promises?

alexa mary May 2013

now do you see why i don't believe in promises?

i don't think i'll ever

be a good candidate

for marriage

i'm either getting bored of you

or being afraid you'll find something better

never happily gripping your arm to steady myself

or smiling under the shining moonlight

but the pale, soft skin

losing all of it's color

in the dawn of mess ups

or failed attempts

to try and establish something worth

breathing for

477 · May 2013

i don't want to be bothered

alexa mary May 2013

i don't want to be bothered

don't expect me to be there
when all i get is the shaft
when i try to help
you speak to them and give them your all
like they put the ******* stars in the sky
but maybe they did
but i'm too tired to research it
goodbye

475 · May 2013

are you really afraid of death

alexa mary May 2013

are you really afraid of death

i don't know what i believe in

i don't know what god or religion i follow

or whether i believe in love at first sight or not

but i believe in the circumstance of miracles

and the healing of my scars

but what i believe in most,

will forever and always be you

429 · May 2013

you're lucky i found this

alexa mary May 2013

you're lucky i found this

i’m such a sad excuse for a person

i’m too much of a ***** for anyone to stick around

teasing and taunting and hurting and cursing

until my lungs run out of breath

but when i’m all out of air

and you’re already on your way

my eyes

allow the tears to fall

and speak for themselves,

“please, stay with me.

don’t go.”

422 · May 2013

don't bother trying to comfort me on this one

alexa mary May 2013

don't bother trying to comfort me on this one

such a sad, sad lesson to learn

trying to understand the overwhlemingly true sense of isolation when it

hits

you that everyone

leaves

no matter how much you want them to

stay;

they can’t

408 · May 2013

sleep your heart out

alexa mary May 2013

sleep your heart out

why can’t i make up my mind

why do i take such things for granted

when they are simply within my grasp?

why do i not feel, nor possess the need to express emotion?

why am i so ******* weird and indecisive?

i guess the future does not have itself planned out in some faraway world,

for if it were, i wouldn’t spend every night crying myself to sleep;

even in my dreams.

401 · Jun 2013

fuck you

alexa mary Jun 2013

*******

why does it never ever ******* work out
why can't it just stay
in place and
stable
for once

400 · May 2013

you're not answering me

alexa mary May 2013

you're not answering me

although i can't hear or feel your heartbeat

i hope your words have been true

because if not, for all this time

i have only led myself on

and have become the ruination of myself

through the crinkled dog-eared letters and the

tangle of these sheets

i let myself get lost in something that

never existed in the first place

298 · Mar 2013

5:17

alexa mary Mar 2013

5:17

I may have forgotten you

But I will always remember the way your eyes lit up

Especially at 5:17

Because it happened

And I smiled because I felt it too

But I’m not allowed to remember that

I’m supposed to have forgotten you

— The End —