why does it never ever ******* work out
why can't it just stay
in place and
    stable
for once

don't expect me to be there
when all i get is the shaft
when i try to help
you speak to them and give them your all
like they put the ******* stars in the sky
but maybe they did
but i'm too tired to research it
goodbye

i’m such a sad excuse for a person

i’m too much of a ***** for anyone to stick around

teasing and taunting and hurting and cursing

until my lungs run out of breath

but when i’m all out of air

and you’re already on your way

my eyes

allow the tears to fall

and speak for themselves,

“please, stay with me.

don’t go.”

i'm either not feeling anything
or simply forcing myself to not feel
to grasp my own throat
until i feel i'm about to pass out
and let go as the veins are strained in my neck
and take in that big gust of air my body begged for
as my lungs begin to pump and work again
as my heart leaps and lurches
into all sorts of action, trying to make me feel
but i simply ignore the accusations
of trying to ignore them
altogether
because i just honestly
do not feel
or refuse against the very thought

I may have forgotten you

But I will always remember the way your eyes lit up

Especially at 5:17

Because it happened

And I smiled because I felt it too

But I’m not allowed to remember that

I’m supposed to have forgotten you

Swelling and drowning

I feel it coming on again

I can’t stop it anymore and it’s swallowing me whole

I let it take

                  me

                          away

because it’s so much easier to drift than fight to stay.

I slowly recover, head pounding from the aftermath

But not for long

Thinking kills

Realization hurts

Breathing becomes jagged

I can’t stop it and I let it stir me, wind me, push me, kick me, hit me, punch me

I give in

Because it’s so much easier to walk around feeling dead than pray for a heartbeat.

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

And I don’t even know why but I let it

I ignore the hectic and frantic screams rumbling from inside me

I ignore it all because it’s so much easier than to put the effort in and listen

I just want to fly away and be the bird

Sing my song in the morning and fly away and drift off whenever it hurts

Because it hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

But I can’t and I’m stuck

Forever dwindling between the scale ranging from hurt to happiness

Falling short of okay most days

But you mask it with a painted smile and go on

Even though it hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

And I don’t have a right to feel it

But I do

And it won’t go away

I ignore it but I’m not who I was

It’s not that easy anymore

And I hate myself for letting it get to this

Because now it hurts

When it should feel numb

When I was able to feel numb

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts

It hurts