A frayed mind is a stayed mind
splitting off the main track
to find more reasons as to why you're right
but you never get to the end do you?
in the intertwining encompassing flurry
of pulse from head to heart
always finds its way back to the same place

im a frayed mind.
thinking in feeling
tasting in touch
living in agony to see if i can do it
its getting harder to see good
its getting harder to do right.
what is genuine?
whats a joke?
What do you really feel huh?

But i stay just as i am.
to wander down a different thread of hair
in search of the other parts that make me important

Feeling like a waste
Of space
Of haste
Of taste

Wondering when
Again
I'll feel
Like a 10

Trying best
To rest
To keep stuff
Off my chest

But feel weak
And bleak
In a world
Mystique

One day
Ill lay
Away
And say

That I
Define
My own
Design

Till then
My friend
I need
to spend

Some time
In my mind
To rewind
to find

Where I fit
In this pit
Of self pity
And ****

Everybody’s shining bright like a diamond
But I’m sitting here like a lump
Fernet bottle warm from the last sip
Dwindling heart cold from the mems.
Diminishing smiles as soon as I realize I should
You’re not happy
You can’t be happy.
You think they care?
Nope
You think they want you around?
You think they know that you need them?

No

Had a good day with a good friend
But that’s gone now
The fernet is calling
Just a sec

Boom

It’s the fourth. It’s fine
No ones gonna care if one more spark happens
No ones gonna notice.
NO ONE CARES

How many times do I have to fake fall asleep
before I realize I should have tried hours ago?
Why do I keep stuffing my face?
I’m getting fat

I’m so bored
I’m so worried
that I listen to everything
Waiting for the moment I hear something that vaguely reminds me of a car.
I look outside
Hoping that in some overly polite ******* world
people will notice me.
Be my friend.
Care

But the fernet works
It’s

Boom

Warms me again

Play a song
Make a song
About what went right today
Finish the song in 5 minutes.

The song needs lyrics
I can’t write lyrics
Not like this
I’m not happy anymore

It’s that fast
That’s how fast a song can be made
That’s how fast a bottle can be drank
That’s how fast you can doubt yourself
”firework” to my head

Boom

It’s the fourth
It’s fine
No ones gonna care if one more spark happens
No one is going to notice
NO ONE CARES

Im losing grip
on what I want
who I want
and why I want it
My conscience's hand
is climbing a mountain
but its slipping
ever-weakening
Ive gone through many
Life experiences
only to find that
they are either
false or fake.
nothing is real anymore
nothing has substance
life is taking a turn
for the worst
and I don't know if my mind can hold on
Ive wanted this life for as long as i can remember.
but my mind is letting go
my heart cant stand
anymore pain
I have to find the good in the smallest things
while everyone else can find it wherever.
I got a girl that keeps me waiting
and Im a lonely boy
i have time for no one
because the man calls me
he says get your weak
lazy
*** off that chair and go to work
but only when we can afford you
when will it become the other way?
when will I start eating right again
when will I go to sleep at a reasonable hour
when will people stop ignoring me
and care for me as much as I care for them
when will this hole in my chest fill
Why is there a hole in my chest?!
People dont
genuinely care about you.
The "I dont give a ****" people
are taking over
and the "Let me help you" people
are dying off
What happened to courtesy
what happened to respect.
most importantly what happened to communication
I am guilty of it too.
but nothing like the fools of my generation
im losing grip
on what i thought i was preparing myself for my whole life:
being a good person
its getting harder and harder
Im beginning to understand how people can go so crazy
how the world can bring you down so much
that all you want to do is destroy
destroy until one day all those pieces
magically reappear
even though you know they wont.
Im losing grip on how to live a real life.
On how to talk to people without using lol or ***
On how anyone in this world can afford to take care of themselves
let alone another person
Im losing grip on all the things i wanted to become
and things i wanted to do.
the fingers of my mind slipping off the cliff
falling
ever falling

The love of a grandson
to a grandmother
is a special bond.
It cannot be broken.

A grandmother's presence
in the eyes of a grandson
makes him behave
more like he should behave.
He looks up to her.
I look up to you.

I often wonder
what experiences you've gone thorough.
What has made you into the you today?
You've gone through so much yet,
I've only known you
for 22 years of it.

Through that time,
you've shown me
what a great grandparent is.
You attended most of my
Concerts
Plays
and Musicals
with loving support

Every birthday,
Christmas,
Valentine's Day,
and Easter
without ever missing a beat
you would contact me.
I thank you
So
SO
SOOOOOO MUCH!
I often feel guilty
for not always contacting back.
I really need to get better at that.

As a kid
there was nothing better
than looking forward
to your Christmas presents.
The science toys,
the cookbooks,
and of course,
the Hot Wheels.
There was nothing better to me
than knowing
that I would get a new track to put together
or a new car.
As I've matured,
so have the presents.
the Alinea cookbook
is like a sacred document
I look at it often
and it always amazes me.

Thank you for inventing
"Grandma's Orange Stuffing"
Its always my favorite part
of the Thanksgiving feast.
(Way better than dad's)

Although this poem
isn't very poem-y
I hope you enjoy it
for the rest of your life.
You're the only real grandparent I ever had,
and I love you with all my heart.
Thank you for all you've done.

The body of a paragraph of my emotions
my body my story my life
is all twisted
not real
the non feeling within me
consumes me like a disease
the constant meh
meh
meh
reminding me of how good life could be
if i got off my *** and did something
but when one puff leads to another
one day full of puffs lead to many more
the constant meh
meh
meh
i feel my life slipping away
when i dont puff
the world is darker
because I know
that when I smoke
all i feel is
the constant meh
meh
meh
My mind opens
but my actions shut down
I dont know if I can go a day without it.
maybe when pigs fly.

when you realize you started from a seed.
a seed that was nurtured to grow.
grow up to be the prettiest
flower
tree
bush
shrub
then you will realize the trueness of being alive

you may have gotten stepped on
you may have gotten dirt kicked up in your eyes
but you became a shining flower
tree
bush
shrub.
you can do whatever you want.
but remember the reason you got dirt kicked on you?
because you were watching kids play in the back yard.
remember why you were picked?
a baby saw you for the first time.

Bad times turn into good memories
you wish you had back.
savor every opportunity.
never let it die like the flower
tree
bush
shrub

I see all the people out there.
everyone.
the one person I want most is you.
out of everyone from the universe.
all I want is you.
It may be cliche.
It may be ooshy gooshy lovey,
but its true
all I want is you.

I see your boyfriend.
he's a great kid,
and I feel good knowing he makes you happy,
but he doesnt understand
all I want is you.

Your aura lights up rooms
that would otherwise be dim
your soft brown hair blowing in the wind
reminds me of the wheat fields in the summer.
your adorable smile brightens up my bad days
and your eyes.
they're so blue and wondrous
I feel like I can see waves of an ocean.
your laugh makes me laugh.
It's too intriguing to describe.

Now after this description
you can see why I'm falling.
wouldnt you want you too?
now you can see why
all i want is you.

So heres a proposal.
When youre tired of a boyfriend
and looking for a man friend,
give me a ring on the phone.
and I might give you a ring on your finger.

i need **** to feed my greed
to wait and wallow in the muck all day
just for the one surprising gasp of air
that makes everything better.

when i buy i fly, oh my
the first thing to go is my arms
like the jell-o jigglers they feel
the chair melts into me

to close the doors i chose
is easy to some but for me
its like taking a **** at home
i keep it cracked. because I can.

no 'mo 'fo '******>judgement is creeping
love is absence
but waiting, watching

it is not the time I spent with you that i wish i still had.
It's the lost time spent with you that I wish I could have back

Home.

They say its where the heart is.
I think its where other's hearts are.
Your home is in the memories of other people.
your memories of them.
The dumb **** you do together.
and when you arent near those people,
you tend to loose a grasp on what home is.

this breathless creature
dying on the ground.

It cant call for help
it cant ask for food
Not a word can come from its mouth
but in one quick glance
staring deep into its beading gazers
can tell you a story of a life once loved my many
Of a world more appreciated for the small things.
this spirit of the world is breathless,
dying,
and all you can do is flick another burning cigarette,
throw another bit of plastic
shoot another gun.
because thats what this world is coming to,
why delay it?
I'll tell you why.
The pure beauty of this living organism called earth
is bliss in a shot glass.
Drink it,
I dare you.
you'll get drunk off the thought of giving a ****
So **** faced you wont even realize it.
If you appreciate the world now,
Maybe, just maybe
you can make a difference when it matters most.

who is to decide
that the world will not end tomorrow.
Its a scary thought
but there are powers in this world
that can end it all.
End it in the form of guns
words, pages, bombs,
emotion
If I suddenly was killed
would people remember me?
would you really mourn?
really?
Really think about it.
would you take something away from something I did or said?
The only contribution
to any form of society
is putting these words and thoughts in your brain

Now that youre thinking like me,
is it worth it in a life that is in such a state of delusion
to continue living life the way you are?
Do you cherish life the way you used to?
The way you did when you were a kid?
Do you remember what it feels like to live?
To be excited at nothing.
Or is your mind so desensitized
that it doesnt know if youre living your life
or the life society wants you to?
Just so they can get you to do the things
that make life miserable?

When something bad in life exists
most just say, "Oh. thats just life"
But this gives life an excuse to be forever terrible.
Teach people what I have taught you.
Think of where you are and where you want to be.
If you are where you want to be,
you are extremely lucky.
If not, take a stand.
The only thing holding you back
is your conscience.

On the 15th of May
In the French Laund-er-y
There was a small man,
The Chef De Partie

He was mixing and stirring
And stirring his sauce,
But his sauce wouldn’t thicken
He was at a loss

So he needed to think
and ponder awhile
Until on his face
Was a bright white smile.

“I have it!” He said.
“I know what to do
All  that I need
Is a nice thick roux.”

No reductions or tomatoes
Or even puree
He needed the roux
It was the only way

So what he did next
was truly “the ****”
He melted some butter
And dumped flour in it.

This mixture was gloppy
And looked like wet sand
The roux was ‘a cooking
But looked awfully bland

Morton must think
How to flavor this glob
Chef Tomas Keller said
“Morton its your job”

He thought and he thought
“Oh what can I do?
Bechamel or Veloute?
What to do with this roux.”

“Veloute I think
Sounds good for today.
I’ll make some of that.
Chef might exclaim, “yay!”

So he added some stock
Of Gertrude McFuzz
It was the best bird
It certainly was
Fond Blanc De McFuzz
Was clear and not milky
Morton’s Veloute
Ought to be silky

He cooked it awhile
Maybe for one half an hour
And when it began to bubble
The roux showed its power.

It thickened and coated
The back of a spoon
This stuff’s almost ready
It should be done soon

He strained it
removing the floury bits
It needed to be clean
No clumpys or grits

It was almost over
It was just about ready
It still needed some tweaking
“Can’t we eat it already?!”

“No” said chef Teller
as he took a lick
Was it good? Was it bad?
Was the sauce too thick

“You did a great job!
Trust me, you did.”
Said Teller to Morton
“You did good kid”

“One thing I will say
That you forgot to put in
It’s the most vital ingredient
In the entire kitchen”

“Its something that most chefs
Don’t use a lot of
It comes from within
The spice of true love”

Morton thought a bit
Like he often does
And then he said
“Chef! That’s what it was”

“It didn’t taste right
It was missing its pop
Its pep in its step
Its fizzle. Its hop”
He learned something there
From Chef Thomas Teller
Food needs more love
It needs to be stellar

After all that
And in the end
Morton threw it away
And started again.

Morals are learned
from the person that means the most to you in your life
She taught me how to live
regardLESS of what others thought
she taught me how to be one of the others
and let people live how they want to
REGARDless of what I think.
she taught me to shoot for my dreams
no matter how big or small.
Be outspoken but not too.
be nice and sometimes too much.
cherish every moment no matter how sad.
keep calm and cook on.
she taught me how to do something for someone
that someone mostly being her.
She taught me to take people in as if they were my own.
Care for them
feed them
house them.
she taught me to search and find remarkable people.
She is remarkable.
She cares for the earth and the continuation of the human race
more than any mother or father loves their child.


She's getting up there in the ages.
old as the dust bowl
old as Woodrow Wilson through Barack Obama
old as the true spirit of Council Grove
She started Council Grove as far as I'm concerned.
She can and will live as long as I am alive.
I will continue my life for her.
I will stop being mean for her
I will never attempt to allow the world to end for her.
She did it for not only me,
but her son
her daughters
her grandsons and granddaughters
her family that isnt of the same blood
and even for you,
The clueless reader.
Let me break it down for you
so you know what I say is true
Helen Judd made a ******* difference.
How about you?

The possibilities are endless.
of how to live
how to breathe.
I only know my way.
My way to live
to breathe.
Day by day.
night by night.
never gonna stop.

I
am on the way to recovery.
never cured
but always getting better.
But beginning to recover from this
is like beginning to run a marathon
It feels like
I will never reach the end
Oh!
The end
the end sounds so sweet.
I can feel it!
I can reach it!
I'm 4 steps
just feet away
But then I remember why I'm running
I see her face in my head
I snap out of it.
And I appear
back at the starting line.

I am high on forever
and counting.
Time is of the
essence of life
but not when you're high
on forever
and counting.
forever is not
just something you can blow off.
It is not for never
it doesnt stop
it is not time.
It's forever.
Like my feelings for you.
my friendship
is forever
and counting.

sitting here makes me realize
all the things I could be doing
if I wasn't sitting here

If I wanted to,
I could go outside,
walk around a bit.
I could go to my car
drive to the airport
and go anywhere in the world.
There is no greater feeling
than being in an unfamiliar place,
not knowing where or how
you are going to
eat
sleep
talk to.

It is scary but its exciting
isn't it?
you might become a different person
one who is better
now that you know how to survive
in unfamiliar ground.
you might just find happiness.
you might find sorrow
you might never want to go back.
Thats where I am at.
Im happy and I never want to go back.
But I want to go see what else
Is out there for me.

If something is really bothering you,
god will not save you
you CAN pray,
but whats the point when
the only true thing that will make you satisfied
is never having that thing happen
in the first place

since that will never happen,
you should just give up.
it sounds bad
but it is the only true thing to do
to get your fears and bad thoughts
away from you

if you want to still be alive,
make a ******* friend
you cant find happiness after losing someone,
until you fill that gap with someone else.
dont pray.

That

Does

Nothing

you might feel better for a second or so
but once you realize that that person is not doing what you prayed for,
you will see like me.
and never go back

If you insist you must,
pray for me,
it wont make me feel better
but if it makes you think
that i am loved more
or that god will save me,
that god will make me see the light,
do it.
I dare you.
See if it helps me.

For Who left me
never in solitude
but in gratitude of me
for helping them in their troubles.

Though I moved away,
You left me
my mind
Here
To die and rot
or to live and thrive

You cared so much
about what was happening around you
you never seemed to see me

I am right HERE
never ceasing
never leaving
never escaping the opportunity
for you to fall back into me

I know it will never happen,
but hey,
we both know what lying is all about right?

It has been a long time,
not too long,
just long.
Since I saw you last,
I have changed nearly everything about me.
Yes, I am still from the same place
And yes, I still love Apple computers.
And since Ive "become" this new person,
you wont give me a chance.
If I were telling anybody this story,
I'd say that I don't mind
That I don't care.
But to be honest,
I do care.
I'm so **** down
all the time.
Because of you.
You wont give me a chance.
I dont mind
I dont care
(yes I do)

look at you
sitting there
with those eyes that never cease to amaze
staring at nothing
thinking about everything

I know what youre thinking of
youre thinking of me
youre thinking of life
...and me
I know it.
you always do.

Im thinking about you
not everything
just you
and the Kansas air
waiting for the beautiful sunset to come
so I can see it in your eyes
see the twinkle of home

Im thinking of the future
With you
and me
and how its going to be alright.
Not just alright.
Absolutely perfect in every way.

Perfect.

Goodbye

All I ask
is for someone,
anyone
to give me a chance.
I want to show them
that there is more to life
than what meets the eye.
I want to show them
that even through hardships,
I can be their rock,
I can be their shoulder to cry on,
but most of all,
I want to be there for them.
For everything.
I want to show them
how things can be better
with me in their life.
I want to show them
that I am worth their time.
That I'm worth being with in the long run,
but things don't always work out that way.
We don't always get what we want,
so we just have to live.
Live with what we have
until we find more.
Until then I'll sit here,
looking and waiting
for someone,
anyone
to give me a chance.
To find me.

Do you see that?
that red thing?
following you around?
the thing throbbing and squirting out blood
yep you guessed it.
thats my heart.
my heart that is only for you.
The one that beats only for you
I know it's not attractive
but you are.
you have to notice it.
I mean its right there
looking at you.

Do you see what it's doing?
Its crying for you.
Leaving a trail of what was once my blood
what was once me.
Trailing you
always following.
It knows that if it gets too close,
you'll **** it.
I mean you've already killed me
cut me open and tortured me
past the point of no return

A new world
with new eyes
this is a lucky experience.
to be able to start new
in a world that has been around
forever.
yet everything
the moon
the trees
the stars
my world
my moon
my trees
my stars
have changed
its gotten rounder
grown taller
shined brighter

To forgive and forget
but not completely.
remember where you came from
remember people that changed you
learn from those mistakes.
learn from those successes
don't forget them
they shaped you as a person
and some of those aspects
will never change
but don't let them deter you
from reaching the dreams
you wish to pursue now

Change is a blessing
as much as it is a hinderance
The ways it changes you
hinders the way you once knew
the way you knew to run your world
your new world.
with your new eyes.

When I say to myself,
how am i going to make it through this
I look for the good things in my life.
My family, my friends, and you.
You were the thing that kept me together.
Now that you dont want me,
now that you know I'm not here,
I am not myself.

I look for you but you arent there
I look for anyone
but because you were there when they were there
no one is there
no one to help
no one to heal

Only you can heal the wounds you left me
only you can help my mind
That's all i think about anymore is only you
I still hurt,
I still cry
I still wait for you,
to say you want to sit down and talk

You know,
Its really sad to say this,
but only you can save me from me
Only you
saving only me,
thats all I ever saw

my world,

as only you and me

finding serenity in this place
if only for a second
is like catching a cold

if you dont pay attention,
it just might sneek up on you

you can try to find it,
but most of the time you wont
you will keep searching like the eagle in the sky

If you find serenity in this place
consider yourself lucky
YOU are one of the lucky ones.
either that
or you're trying too hard.

you see, serenity should come
out of thin air.
like the wind in your hair.
you shouldnt search for it
It should come.
Those who do search
become so immersed in a perfect world,
that they cant get out

so im changing my mind

I am a lucky one.
Im not going to find serenity,
im going to wait for it to happen.

You are no longer real
Its feelings you cannot feel
You sit there and sleep
While I make bounds and leaps
This relationship you're in
It wont last until the end
(You wont understand
until you love
but you wont love
I guarantee that)
You will hate yourself and not know where to go
Your mood will switch and act real low
Because in the end, since youre not real
You wont have anyone. Thats the real deal

My mind is like a rolling film on a movie spool
Always changing but still showing the same basic pictures.
Pictures of people I've seen in the past.
Images of the lights and darks of life.
I will not let this movie mind-**** me.
I will never go back to those pictures.
Instead I will burn it
Burn the spool into a desired fire
Torch it and **** all things inside it
This movie was the story of me and you
Goodbye

Somehow there is something
that always happens to me
whenever I am hanging out with a guy
Someone always has to ask him
if I am his girl
and I answer no
we are just good friends.
It’s not the first time
that a guy and a girl hang out
where all they are
are just really good friends.
Although I just wish
that I could say I am his girl
because I do want to be someones girl eventually.
I guess in all honesty
I am just getting a tad bit tired
of being single
That’s life
and you don’t always get what you wish for.
I’ll just keep waiting
until someone comes my way.

I hope I find someone
someone that makes me feel
as comfortable about myself
as you did.
I hope to find someone
that makes me feel like you did.
I wish that person could be you
but time and place
are not on our side.
Maybe in the future,
but right now
I’ll just keep waiting
Waiting for that person
even if it isn’t you.

As much as I want to.
As much as I know I can.
You wont let me.
You don't care, but you wont let me
I want to do it so bad.
I want to end it all and leave you to rot,
But you wont let me.

I want to do it with my knives;
Drive them deep into my arm
And pull them out
Watch my blood pool like the ocean we swam in.
See the highways of my arteries
Just like the ones we used to ride on.
Look in the mirror and see my face
The same face I made when you said
We are over.

But do you know what 2 years does to me?
It eats me alive like the sushi we used to eat.
It ***** me over like all the friends I used to have
It makes me sick to my stomach
It rips my senses out
It rips the me out of me

I can't function when you are gone,
But when you are present
Whether that be in messages
In like, In love
I always know you're there
Staring at me
Waiting for my next move
So just when I do something good
You can eat me alive once more