A frayed mind is a stayed mind
splitting off the main track
to find more reasons as to why you're right
but you never get to the end do you?
in the intertwining encompassing flurry
of pulse from head to heart
always finds its way back to the same place

im a frayed mind.
thinking in feeling
tasting in touch
living in agony to see if i can do it
its getting harder to see good
its getting harder to do right.
what is genuine?
whats a joke?
What do you really feel huh?

But i stay just as i am.
to wander down a different thread of hair
in search of the other parts that make me important

Feeling like a waste
Of space
Of haste
Of taste

Wondering when
Again
I'll feel
Like a 10

Trying best
To rest
To keep stuff
Off my chest

But feel weak
And bleak
In a world
Mystique

One day
Ill lay
Away
And say

That I
Define
My own
Design

Till then
My friend
I need
to spend

Some time
In my mind
To rewind
to find

Where I fit
In this pit
Of self pity
And ****

Everybody’s shining bright like a diamond
But I’m sitting here like a lump
Fernet bottle warm from the last sip
Dwindling heart cold from the mems.
Diminishing smiles as soon as I realize I should
You’re not happy
You can’t be happy.
You think they care?
Nope
You think they want you around?
You think they know that you need them?

No

Had a good day with a good friend
But that’s gone now
The fernet is calling
Just a sec

Boom

It’s the fourth. It’s fine
No ones gonna care if one more spark happens
No ones gonna notice.
NO ONE CARES

How many times do I have to fake fall asleep
before I realize I should have tried hours ago?
Why do I keep stuffing my face?
I’m getting fat

I’m so bored
I’m so worried
that I listen to everything
Waiting for the moment I hear something that vaguely reminds me of a car.
I look outside
Hoping that in some overly polite ******* world
people will notice me.
Be my friend.
Care

But the fernet works
It’s

Boom

Warms me again

Play a song
Make a song
About what went right today
Finish the song in 5 minutes.

The song needs lyrics
I can’t write lyrics
Not like this
I’m not happy anymore

It’s that fast
That’s how fast a song can be made
That’s how fast a bottle can be drank
That’s how fast you can doubt yourself
”firework” to my head

Boom

It’s the fourth
It’s fine
No ones gonna care if one more spark happens
No one is going to notice
NO ONE CARES

Im losing grip
on what I want
who I want
and why I want it
My conscience's hand
is climbing a mountain
but its slipping
ever-weakening
Ive gone through many
Life experiences
only to find that
they are either
false or fake.
nothing is real anymore
nothing has substance
life is taking a turn
for the worst
and I don't know if my mind can hold on
Ive wanted this life for as long as i can remember.
but my mind is letting go
my heart cant stand
anymore pain
I have to find the good in the smallest things
while everyone else can find it wherever.
I got a girl that keeps me waiting
and Im a lonely boy
i have time for no one
because the man calls me
he says get your weak
lazy
*** off that chair and go to work
but only when we can afford you
when will it become the other way?
when will I start eating right again
when will I go to sleep at a reasonable hour
when will people stop ignoring me
and care for me as much as I care for them
when will this hole in my chest fill
Why is there a hole in my chest?!
People dont
genuinely care about you.
The "I dont give a ****" people
are taking over
and the "Let me help you" people
are dying off
What happened to courtesy
what happened to respect.
most importantly what happened to communication
I am guilty of it too.
but nothing like the fools of my generation
im losing grip
on what i thought i was preparing myself for my whole life:
being a good person
its getting harder and harder
Im beginning to understand how people can go so crazy
how the world can bring you down so much
that all you want to do is destroy
destroy until one day all those pieces
magically reappear
even though you know they wont.
Im losing grip on how to live a real life.
On how to talk to people without using lol or ***
On how anyone in this world can afford to take care of themselves
let alone another person
Im losing grip on all the things i wanted to become
and things i wanted to do.
the fingers of my mind slipping off the cliff
falling
ever falling

The love of a grandson
to a grandmother
is a special bond.
It cannot be broken.

A grandmother's presence
in the eyes of a grandson
makes him behave
more like he should behave.
He looks up to her.
I look up to you.

I often wonder
what experiences you've gone thorough.
What has made you into the you today?
You've gone through so much yet,
I've only known you
for 22 years of it.

Through that time,
you've shown me
what a great grandparent is.
You attended most of my
Concerts
Plays
and Musicals
with loving support

Every birthday,
Christmas,
Valentine's Day,
and Easter
without ever missing a beat
you would contact me.
I thank you
So
SO
SOOOOOO MUCH!
I often feel guilty
for not always contacting back.
I really need to get better at that.

As a kid
there was nothing better
than looking forward
to your Christmas presents.
The science toys,
the cookbooks,
and of course,
the Hot Wheels.
There was nothing better to me
than knowing
that I would get a new track to put together
or a new car.
As I've matured,
so have the presents.
the Alinea cookbook
is like a sacred document
I look at it often
and it always amazes me.

Thank you for inventing
"Grandma's Orange Stuffing"
Its always my favorite part
of the Thanksgiving feast.
(Way better than dad's)

Although this poem
isn't very poem-y
I hope you enjoy it
for the rest of your life.
You're the only real grandparent I ever had,
and I love you with all my heart.
Thank you for all you've done.

The body of a paragraph of my emotions
my body my story my life
is all twisted
not real
the non feeling within me
consumes me like a disease
the constant meh
meh
meh
reminding me of how good life could be
if i got off my *** and did something
but when one puff leads to another
one day full of puffs lead to many more
the constant meh
meh
meh
i feel my life slipping away
when i dont puff
the world is darker
because I know
that when I smoke
all i feel is
the constant meh
meh
meh
My mind opens
but my actions shut down
I dont know if I can go a day without it.
maybe when pigs fly.

when you realize you started from a seed.
a seed that was nurtured to grow.
grow up to be the prettiest
flower
tree
bush
shrub
then you will realize the trueness of being alive

you may have gotten stepped on
you may have gotten dirt kicked up in your eyes
but you became a shining flower
tree
bush
shrub.
you can do whatever you want.
but remember the reason you got dirt kicked on you?
because you were watching kids play in the back yard.
remember why you were picked?
a baby saw you for the first time.

Bad times turn into good memories
you wish you had back.
savor every opportunity.
never let it die like the flower
tree
bush
shrub