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 Apr 2014 Jamin
Matthew Walker
I am the greatest liar I know.

Watch as I pretend to
stand for something.

Purity?
Listen as I tell you,
I've never kissed a girl
or even held her hand.
I'm saving everything for my wife,
isn't that grand?

Maybe physically modest I've remained,
but the confines of my mind are rotting.
Witness the perversions unveil
on my search bar as I fail to abstain.

My bathroom is a battleground.
Countertops stained from failed
attempts I longed to call victory,
shower rugs withering from endless moments
on my knees, begging you to forgive me.

Darling, I wish I could
love you as you deserve.
But the depictions flicker
behind my eyelids in every
blinking moment,
and despite the constant
praying, I can't stop preying,
the craving screams my name
through bleeding lungs
and a parched tongue.
I've lost all control.

Demons are clawing their
crooked fingers through the cages
of my heart, of our heart,
and my ribs are cracking
as our romance is shattering.

Love, I'm so sorry.
I have tainted all you were,
my nightmares have mutilated
your innocent perfection.
I am not worthy to hold you
in my arms, even if you're the first,
these stains cannot be erased.
I have left cobwebs in your corners,
they'll never be clean again.
It's my fault,
I am a vicious poison.

I don't know how to change.
I've lost the power to say no,
I don't have a cast for the broken bones,
the bodies are still littered beside
my personal porcelain Hates.
I hate me. You deserve better.
I can't perform an exorcism on myself,
and I can't wipe the webs off the shelf,
I can't even reach the top without help.

I wish I could say I love you.
But love is sacrifice
and the only thing I've
sacrificed is my commitment
while betraying my integrity
and slaughtering the promises
I stole from you.

In this moment of brutal honesty,
I'll admit my inadequacy
but as soon as morning
I'll forget about reality.

Watch as I fight to become
the best failure I don't want to be.

*m.w.
4/11/14
 Feb 2014 Jamin
Matthew Walker
Rules
 Feb 2014 Jamin
Matthew Walker
One of the saddest things to me
Is how my generation
Has been deceived to believe
That there are rules
To poetry

That thought is absurd and profane
I’d even take another step
And call it inhumane

Poetry is an expression of being
A way to be free

I finished writing this poem
When I realized something
This doesn’t just apply to poetry
But to all writing

Essays and poems and stories
If we all wrote the same way
We would be so boring

Write different
Write about what you want
Not what they say
Do the complete opposite
Of their way

But it’s not just about writing different
It’s how your pencil
Or other writing utensil
Moves across the paper
It’s about the breath you take
Right before you pour
Your heart on the white sheet
It’s about the way you see

So don’t just write things differently
Write in your own way
Create a new style
And then you’ll know
You’ve gone the extra mile

I finished this poem again
Thought now would be a great time to end
And then I realized something more
This isn’t just about writing
This is life
Break those rules
Don’t conform

It’s not just about breaking rules
Or being some kind of lawless hipster
It’s about being yourself

It’s not always about where you go
No, sometimes it’s about how you flow

There’s something special
Buried deep inside
It’s chained down
Release it
And it will give you life

Yes
I guess you can follow
The rules and regulations
If you enjoy being assimilated
Into a system
That was better
Before it existed

You have two options
Pretend you never saw this
And stay hopeless
Or stand up
And become righteous
I highly suggest the second
But of course
I’m biased
Because I hate the idea
Of being hopeless

You have the ability
To be something
Wonderfully crazy
Something that no one else can be
Because you are you
Different than me
So be your own
Not some societal clone
Be you and you alone

I urge you
Stand against conformity
Don’t be he or she or me
Be something completely unique
11/18/2012
 Feb 2014 Jamin
Matthew Walker
I miss you.

Though I've never felt your touch,
or heard your laugh,
or seen you cry,
or had a deep talk late into the night.

My chest literally aches physically
as I'm longing to be the one
you call when you need someone
and the one you know as your own.

How can a heart miss someone
it's never even known?
you have reshaped my ideas
and become my definition of love.

I miss you so
though you would never know
how my soul yearns for you
because you are not my reality.

I miss you so much.
12/24/13
 Feb 2014 Jamin
Matthew Walker
Sometimes when my mind drifts
it goes back to endless hallways
and that all too familiar scent
overtakes my senses

My spine actually cringes
at the thought of the needles
piercing the central nervous system
they forgot to numb

my thoughts swim in the pools
that formed in my mother's eyes
as she quoted the neurologist
"your son is dying."

I can still taste the confusion
that drowned my confidence
and left me wondering
if it'll ever resurface

my dreams never stopped crying,
if they even have the chance to exist
they're nothing short of terrifying,
nightmares replaced the rest

it's odd that I can remember
the sickness that consumed me
but completely and utterly forget
the happiness that prequeled it
12/29/13
 Feb 2014 Jamin
Matthew Walker
Sitting beside you for hours 
and talking about nothing 
that meant everything
is something worth missing. 

The way you scrunch up
your face when you laugh 
uncontrollably and the sound
that's adorable to only me
is something worth knowing. 

I've never met someone else
who cared enough to think
of me through the night
just because she thought 
I was something worth her time.

Laying on the floor crying
because I can't get your
flawless image from my mind
when you're clearly gone
is not worth our time. 

I'm truly sorry I faded
in and out of your life.
I wasted your time.
Your love was simplicity 
and I complicated it.
1/5/13
 Feb 2014 Jamin
Matthew Walker
One year ago exactly, I awoke to the miserable news that my dear friend, Morgan Helman, was dead. I called her voicemail and wept my goodbyes. I punched the wall and screamed until I thought my lungs would crack. I wrote a poem to express the ravaging anguish I was experiencing, and to try and honor her life. I read it as a eulogy at her funeral. In it, I mentioned a time when she had asked me to write a happy poem. Everything I had ever written was a result of sadness or some other tortured emotion. I apologized that what I wrote for her was far from happy. I told her someday I would a write a happy poem, though I doubted my own words. One year later, I have walked away from the depressed mental state I used to call home. On the anniversary of her passing, I completed this "happy" poem. It's different than what I'm used to creating. It might not be as artistic as some of my other poetry. But it is a vivid expression of the first step in a new direction. This poem is dedicated to Morgan Helman and the legacy of love she left in her wake.

You Are

Resonating laughter
as the child plays,
hallway smiles
on bad days.

Disney movies
when I'm sick,
lightsaber battles
as a kid.

Rope swings
for make believe Peter-Panning,
backyard sprinklers
spraying the trampoline.

Hot soup
after it snows,
Refreshing popsicles
when the sun glows.

Warm cookies
melting in my mouth,
playing cards
at Grandma's house.

Blazing campfires
engulfed in inspiration,
jam sessions
with passionate musicians.

Barefoot freedom
in the grass and on the beach,
Sandy paradise
sinking beneath my feet.

Captivating books
as it gently rains,
favorite songs
when I'm disarrayed.

Intimate poetry
as my soul sings,
genuine happiness
spilling out of me.

Caring parents
whose admiration lasts,
trustworthy friends
who remove my masks.

Comforting arms
when my friend dies,
calloused hands
pulling tears from drowning eyes.

Raw love
strung on splintered wood,
My God
you are everything good.

~ m.w. ~
2/3/14
 Feb 2014 Jamin
Matthew Walker
I don't know your favorite tea.
I'm not sure how you get up when you're knocked down.
But I love the places you take me;
the shivers on my spine when you're around.

You've never told me your favorite color
or the things that break your heart.
I'm praying to God there's not another,
the thought of being without you is tearing me apart.

I don't know a thing about you,
but I'm already falling for you.
I don't know anything about you,
but I know I've gotta have you.

*~ m.w. ~
10/11/13
 Feb 2014 Jamin
Nathaniel Brenner
I've broken my rules, and unto what end?
The past I regret, I've failed to ammend.
Unto darkness, that the unknown.
Unto the path, still yet alone.

Forever onward, to never cease,
This the curse that married me.
The manic state, the flooded mind,
Always near, not far behind.

Into the darkness, thunderous woes,
My soul beneath the fire flows.
Blackened flames, obsidian sparks,
Creating scars, burning marks.

Faster, faster, forever on!
The rushing wind my only song.
Burning pains, poisons bled,
This persecution, bathed in red.

Hounded and chased, like a game,
The demons inside feed on the pain.
Running, running, will it end?
Begotten fury, I can't pretend.

The pounding, the pressure,
Both apart and together,
Maddening, insufferable agony,
Each new second, brand new tragedy.

Faster, faster, to ease the dying,
This the punishment, this the trying.
The last, the last, it begins to near,
The end, the end, so ever dear!

The agony, vile torment,
Torture never better spent.
The collapse, the collision,
The ****** rules and decision.

The ending finally, finally here,
Nothing before evoked such fear.
Through the darkness, the unknown,
Through it all, tormented alone.
 Feb 2014 Jamin
Matthew Walker
heart torn in half
dream of future
reminisce on past
emotionally unsure

this isn't what Jesus meant
when he said a kingdom
divided cannot stand
but the truth still resounds

my heart skips when she smiles
or laughs or talks or breathes
but with equal strength I collapse
when the thought of the other calls

love was meant for one
two war for my mind
will the past return
or has the future won?
1/7/14

— The End —