2 hours and 20 minutes until I get to see you
And with each passing minute my stomach grows tighter
My palms sweat more
All I can think about is you
You're beautiful, you know that?
You're more than beautiful
You're perfect
******* for being perfect

1 hour and 30 minutes until I get to see you
My throat has become dry
My fingers won't stop twitching
As I've sat here more I can't help but count all the ways that I admire you
There are too many that I need all my fingers and toes
And even then it still wasn't enough
I would list them, but you wouldn't see them
******* for not seeing them

30 minutes until I get to see you
I've become a stuttering mess
My breathing has become so fast
I've already left the house and every scene reminds me of you
Because every scene is beautiful
Just like you
And you? Oh, you're probably fine right now
Cool and confident
******* for being cool and confident

0 minutes until I get to see you
My heart has dropped to my stomach
My excitement gone
I waited here for half an hour
And you never showed up
You never showed up
You never showed up
******* for not showing up

I can not see my hand in front of me
It's being swallowed by darkness
And maybe that's a good thing
Because the dark can hide scars better than any long-sleeve can

And that's why I love it so much
Because I never have to look at those horrifying lines at night
Those purple-pink scratches that have formed a moat around my wrist
But the thing about this moat is that it is too good at keeping the dragons out
Fire-breathing thoughts that storm into my castle

And don't they understand why I wear bracelets?
Apparently not because they ask me far too often
And I always have the same answer
Invisibility
Because it's the truth
These bracelets hide battle wounds better than metal armor
Because these bracelets are my armor
And these razors in my drawer are swords that are more familiar than the back of my hand

And yet, nobody ever notices
They never notice when I wear sweaters in 70° weather
Nobody notices the days I fidget with my sleeves because they aren't long enough
Because nobody ever pays attention to the sad girl
Nobody, except her razors

As I lie awake at night I can’t help, but think
Think of all the things that person said to me
Think of all the ways I’ve embarrassed myself
Think of all the things I said to that boy
While he wasn’t giving me a second of his time

I didn’t ask for this
I didn’t ask for these thoughts to run through my head
All these ‘What if’s and ‘No, not that’s
I didn’t ask to get chocked up every time I talk to someone because I’m afraid I might say something I might regret.
And yet, that seems to be every word that tumbles from my mouth
Like a faucet full of remorse that can not be shut off

Watching other people I can only seem to hate them as I pray to some sort of all-powering being that I will be able to over-come this
That one day I will be able to freely roll words off of my tongue without wishing I could gobble them back up.
And yet everyone else is able to do it
They are all able to say what they want
To express their opinions with no second thoughts
With no worries that someone might disagree

Every morning is a struggle just to pry myself from my sheets
To face every day with a smile
Because lately even picking out a outfit I find exceptable seems torturous
And then half way through first period I decide I shouldn’t have worn it

And there’s no escape
I always have this weight on my shoulder that is weighed down with nasty words my brain has formed
Picking at the slivers of self-confidence I have left.
Like a hungry Vulture cleaning up scraps on the side of the road

And some people have to power to fix it
They become stronger
And learn how to be better
And I? I lie awake at night. And I can’t help but think