One day I'll be better, and smarter and more loving
One day I'll be stronger, and resilient and noble
One day I'll be open, and honest and comforting
One day I'll be daring, and rebellious and wild
But right now, right here, today
I'm ******* ******

Cold liquid courses down your throat,
burning its path to your lungs.
Each breath hurts more than the last,
but you just can't bring yourself to care.
You trip and stumble and fall,
but you don't stop, because you know;
each step will take you farther away.
Your thoughts are jumbled,
flipping and vaulting through your mind.
Your vision is blurring,
fraying,
disintegrating.

"Mum, she's not breathing!"
What?
Why isn't she breathing?
"I can't find a pulse! **** it, mum!"
You blink and shake your head,
trying to force the coherent thoughts back.
Sirens.
Why do you hear sirens?
Another voice.
"Ma'am, do you know what she took?"
She overdosed?

"Mum! You were meant to watch her!"
Is that a stretcher?
Where are they taking her?!
Oh God, it's all coming back to you;
Cheating. Betrayal. Divorce. Her depression.
...she tried to **** herself?
Abort! Abort!
You can't handle this yet;
...just one more shot.

"How can you be drinking right now, mum?!"
Your daughter is fading fast,
her life hanging in the balance.
The pain is overwhelming you,
you just want it all to go away.
Is that how she felt?
Is that why she did it?
Maybe that's what you'll do;
you did always enjoy the oblivion...

There is nothing better,
Nor truer or safer,
Than somewhere where no one is odd
We're all the same here,
Extroverts and introverts alike
United in force and a thousand strong,
We all sing the same lyrics,
Scream over the same shredding guitars,
And dance to the same drum
Boom. Boom. Boom.
I'm home.

I hate you anxiety
I hate you with everything that I have;
Every tear and scar
Every broken heart and shattered fragment
I hate you anxiety
I hate who you make me;
Timid and reserved
Lifeless and trembling
I hate you anxiety
I hate what you take away from me;
Every smile and laugh
Every happy memory and photograph
I hate you anxiety
Because you've embedded yourself within me so deep
I'm not sure the old me is here anymore
I don't smile or laugh
I don't grasp opportunities
I shake and cry
I hide and make excuses
I can't breathe or function
I can't even pretend anymore
I hate you anxiety 
Because you're ruining my facade;
You're breaking me open and leaving me dry
You're destroying me piece by piece
And I'm too scared to stop it;
Go figure.

I am the obsessive;
The organised and irrational
I am the compulsive;
The repetitive and pedantic
I am the anxious;
The cautious and paranoid
I am the sleepless;
The exhausted and restless
I am the dejected;
The alone and scarred
I have issues;
This is my cry for help

To be free of this beast,
And his weight on my chest
To cut off these chains,
And their grip on my wrists
To let this hope dwindle,
And leave me with tears
I will do anything,
anything,
As long as I'm not here.

Scars bind me to you,
like thread binds the books on my shelf
No, the words on the page aren't routed in hate,
but the lines on my wrist aren't routed in love

A mirror holds so much truth,
but what you're telling me is lies
Can't you see the pain I endure to please you?
Yet the blood still can't wash it away

So I lace on a smile like I do on my shoes,
it didn't fool her, though
Seems my facade is cracking like your glass,
I won't shatter, though

I will be stronger than you,
and though it is my scars that bind
I won't conceal you like I do them,
because you're the reminder of what needs to be washed away.

Back off,
Stop involving yourself in my life
Back off,
I'll talk to, listen to and do whatever the hell I like
Back off,
I'm my own person- I can think for myself
Back off,
I didn't ask for your opinion
Back off,
Everyone has fears, insecurities and flaws
Back off,
No one ever asked for your help
Back off,
You don't even know me
Back.
The.
****.
Off,
I don't like you.

I ask you kindly sir;
Take into consideration the marks
angry tears have left on my cheeks
Notice my blank stares and heavy eyes
Respond to the crack in my voice
and the shaking in my hands
Before you write me off as useless for good

I ask you kindly sir;
Before you mark my paper
with your snippy little pen
See the scars and bruises on my skin
and the pounding in my head
I beg of you;
Before you label me as lazy and arrogant,
know how it has felt to be me this past year

Your silence is deafening 
Because when you speak, 
Your words are so
****
Beautiful

All I hear is the patter of rain
On the roof and
It reminds me of June,
Now I miss you so
**** 
Much

We talked in your room
Whilst the sky opened up and
Released its fury around us
And we laughed all
****
Night 

You pulled me to you,
Telling me I was beautiful
Whilst your lips explored my neck.
That was the moment I realized
I love you, so 
**** 
Much

Human breath is such a basic thing;
In, out
In, out
It's simple,
Essential
But what if I told you I didn't want to breathe?
Would you think me strange?
Crazy?
Pathetic?
But what if I told you I wasn't worth it?
The oxygen,
The space,
The waste

If only we could leave this place,
I'd take your hand and our feet would lift from Earth
Our lungs are joined and our hearts are one,
We'd share our cares, our worries gone
Come on baby; fly away with me

I can see it now,
We're passing mountains, our feet on clouds
Baby, our home is on its way 'round,
An eye in the sky, a carrousel on the ground
Come on baby; fly away with me

No, don't ask them to understand,
Jealousy stings, it's just us here now
The ocean's far below,
The clouds block it out
Come on baby; fly away with me

Hush, hush, the man on the moon sleeps,
His head aloft, his slumber deep.
Baby, that could be you and me,
Our house is in the clouds now
Come on baby; fly away with me

I heard tears don't exist up there,
Up there, way up in the atmosphere
The feeling of wind against our skin,
It's making tangles in our hair
Come on baby, fly away with me

Catching lightning,
Thunder laughing,
Baby are you with me?
You'll see this page,
Recall the words I say,
"Come on baby; fly away with me"

We lost all that we had
to a boy who lost his life
We gave all we had ever wanted
to a boy that would soon die
We lived a life of sin
to give a boy all we could give
Now he's dead and gone
and I'm counting what we're left with

I see it on their faces
What's it like to have no family?
Their questions cloud their eyes
Did they ever arrest the man that took them?
Their curiosity it hindering their better judgement
Do they not know their pity is not wanted?

I'll tell you now
Blood family is nothing but that; blood
I have a family, I'm sure
We're as broken as broken can be
Five boys and me, all left to bait the wolves
But put enough pressure on us and we join forces
A unit bound by angst,
Connected to combat just that

Their words will bother me no more
What's it like to have no family?
Well, I'll tell you now
Five broken boys are all I have
But I believe that together,
Maybe we could be whole again