a million memories you cant get rid of
a million pictures you can delete, but cant bring yourself to do.
why is that?
i hate you yet i still let you live in my phone because...
i dont have the courage to delete them.
trust me, ive tried.
2 am crying sessions going through my phone selecting all the pictures of you, of us,
yet i always recover them from the recently deleted.

you know,
i have trouble telling my feelings or expressing myself,
but i will try.
if i told you i missed you,
would you believe me?
if i told you i wasnt okay,
would you tell me you’d make it?
if i came to you crying,
would you hold me tight?
what if..
i told you i still loved you,
would you kiss me and say you loved me too?

loving you taught me love cannot be controlled.
i fell in love with you on accident.
oh god,
watching you love her was one reason i loved you.
when you loved, you loved with everything in you.
you werent ever mine, but losing you to her,
completely broke my heart,
but i couldnt make you love me,
because love?
it cannot be controlled

as we grew up,
we were always told
“your teenage years will be the best years”
so we grew up with an imagination of what our teenage years would be like,
we imagined,
unconditional love from your highschool sweetheard,
we imagined partying so hard until we couldnt party anymore,
we imagined sneaking out to go meet up with a boy,
but what we didnt imagine was,
the days we were crying on our bathroom floor at 3 am,
we didnt imagine falling out of love and feeling hopeless,
we didnt imagine your bestfriends turning into strangers you dont talk to anymore,
we didnt imagine the fights you have with your parents until you are begging to leave the house.
the teenage years,
those are the years you get told your feelings are just temporary, they will go away,
those are the years you have more pressure then ever,
but we cant wait to grow up, right?

you get a piece of paper,
you mess up so you scribble all over it,
then, you throw it away.
you see,
thats how i felt when i was with you.
constantly getting talked down to,
and when you were around,
all you wanted was my body.
a body that wasn’t yours,
it was mine,
but i still let you take advantage of it,
and now when i see myself, my body, i hate it.
it was the only reason you wanted me, and then when i gave it to you,
you were gone.
you were supposed to be here.
where are you?
where did you go?
do you still think of me?
or was i just one of your mistakes.