It was my first time
In the city.
It was very loud,
And very crowded.
I was a grain of sand
In an ocean of salt water.
No one looked at me.
No one smiled.
I wandered aimlessly
Through the mass of people.
I bought a slice of pizza
That tasted like grease and tomatoes,
Leaving four dollars and 38 cents
In my pocket.
As I left the pizza place
I noticed a man.
He was very sad looking,
And horribly thin.
He was all alone
With only a plastic grocery bag.
I looked at him
And the city died.
My interest in buildings
And shops
And pavement,
Gone.
Lost in the broken eyes
Of one man.
I went up to him
And I said "hello."
He looked at me
And gave me a smile,
But his eyes were still empty.
I asked him
If I could give him a hug,
And it seemed that his eyes
Exploded.
He nodded yes,
And I took him in my arms.
He was very cold
Under two jackets
And the hot Boston sun.
As I pulled away,
He said to me
With tears in his eyes
"Thank you."
I simply extended my hand
With four dollars and 38 cents in it.

The smell of cigarette ashes
     is for me.
Musty, slow, deep and strong,
Breathe in gradually,
But breathe.

The scent reminds euphoria,
     of smokers long past.
A past even more so.

So if you catch me breathing in deep,
When you let out a lung of smoke,
     Remember I am just remembering.

If I am to never have love again,
To be plagued with the inability to love,
Do not let me be alone.
No, if I can not have love,
Let me have the next best thing.
Allow me the courtesy of building up a wall of your kisses,
Separating myself from the harsh reality.
Wrap me in oblivious arms as I close my blind eyes.
Pretend to love me, whisper me sweet nothings,
And I will return the lies.
I will be just as unloving and numb as you, my dear.
And we will pretend to be the happiest two you ever did see.

I need you to do a job for me.
Satisfy me in the way only you can.

I've craved your touch day and night,
And I know how it feels to have your lips
On my body.
The feeling, the memory is engraved in my brain.

But I need more.

Do this job for me,
And I will pay you back in any way I can.

My eyes hurt.
My nose burns.
And my head throbs with things once forgotten.
I wanted so ******* badly to forget.

And now, I'm forced to relive it.

I tried to ******* **** myself.
Why would you bring that up again?
Why would you ask me why?
How?
When?
It makes me remember when I'd already lost it.

I can't pay attention to the things that should matter
To a fifteen year old girl.

I can't just daydream about kissing my boyfriend or
Stress over the coming math test.

Because I'm too busy killing myself with memories.