I wanted to confide in you yesterday,
Tell you why I'm so pale, and shaky,
Ask you if you've ever been here,
In this hellish place.

I wanted you to tell me
Yes, yes, you're human,
Not a monster
Just a fragile being,
Let you pull my head onto your lap
And stroke my hair.

But close though we are,
You will never be able to tell me your secrets,
Though I know you have them.
You cared for me in the way you always have,
And always will,
The only way you can,
A bowl of chicken stew, and a hot water bottle.
This is how you love me,
And it does help,
But I wish we could talk about how it has been for you,
And is right now, for me,
I wish we could share how we have failed,
And learned from our mistakes.

Mum...do you know why I'm so pale, and shaky?
Are you wishing you could talk to me, too?
It's okay, Mum, I love your chicken stew.

One last link
In the chain.
I cannot leave it open
Without long term corrosion.
One last link,
I need to break, to free us both.
One last link.
Please give me the strength
To make the cut
To survive the cut
Deep breath, anticipate the agony.
Absorb it, embrace it.
One last link
The very last one.
I must find the strength to cut.

I wish I could spare you words like beautiful, babe, figure and thin.
I wish I could guarantee you a complete disregard for the size of your *******
Or the length of your legs.
I pray never to find you hunched over the toilet
Or hiding a sandwich under books in your bag.
What will the equivalent of cyberbullying be, in ten years time?
I will try, so very hard, to keep you safe.

Please, always talk to each other, and to me.
Share your heart’s bleedings
And I will help you staunch the flow.
I will find the courage to share my failings
And the confidence to pass on my successes,
Both were instrumental in my becoming the woman I am,
A woman I hope you will be proud of, and applaud.

It is hard to be a woman, in this world,
Urged, relentlessly to perfection,
Bombarded with it, drowned in it,
But perfection is a myth, and becomes imperfect with attainment,
It is the imperfections that will mesmerise,
Embrace them, love them, let them shine.

How long did it take me to learn these lessons?
Have I learned them, even now?
Sometimes I think I have, then I become overwhelmed
By anxiety and self-doubt.
This will happen to you too,
I cannot hope to save you from it
But I can provide some armour.

Think for yourselves,
Reject the babble and the screens, the illusion of celebrity
Twenty-first century addictions.
Do not become a slave to technology.
I can see how hard that will be,
But it must be done, if you are to remain people,
Retain your humanity.
I will help you; I will hold your hands.

You are tiny now, but I can see the strength within you both,
And I will nurture it, protect it,
Then it will protect you, out there.
I promise I will always be your tigress,
But you will not always be my little cubs
I will have to find a way to sheath my claws,
And let you stalk your own prey,
And evade the predators, just as I have done.

I watch you, playing happily together in the sun,
And wish you peace, and love, and joy.
Such simple things, yet so elusive.
I will not show you this poem.
But I will read it, frequently,
And try to keep my promises.
My heart thuds in my chest, each a double-beat
A constant repetition of your names,
Tattooed onto my soul.