i always slept
better
when I could hear
the rain
trickling
down gutters
pattering
against window panes
bringing life
to the night
bringing the smell
of rich
californian soil
redwood trees
drinking in
the sweet taste
of crystal water
simplified
back in a time
where no stress
or fear
or anxiety
could grip me
and hold me
prisoner

There are always secrets that lie under rocks
Floating just below the surface
Waiting to rise for everyone to see
We hide these from one another
Too scared to let everyone know
Our true identity
Petrified of who will see us
For who we truly are

Every time I walk outside
I see eyes
Glued to LED screens
I attempt to make contact
To reach out to these extra terrestrials
In order to gather awareness
To find some consciousness
To know that I am not alone

To be afraid of being lonely
That is what grabs us all
And pulls us down by our feet
Suddenly and abruptly
Striving to be unique individuals
In a society that blurs the lines
Between male and female
Filling out expectations like prescriptions
Needing to fulfill standards
In order to be accepted
To be desired
To be longed for
Like a perfect representation
Of what it means to be human
Until the true meaning is lost in the waves
Thrown into the endless sea
And all that is left
Is just an image
Taken at face value
A façade that fools each and every one of us
Taking us into the protection of its wings
While simultaneously lying to us

And eventually everyone becomes
Afraid of depression and afraid of fear
That builds upon itself

Like a great fire
Sweeping through bushes
Burning ambition alive
Charring the very breath from my lungs
Singing my words
And tainting my very existence
Until I am not myself
Just a charred speck of ash
Waiting to be swept away
Into the endless night

But then
I realize that I am not alone
Instead of being trapped in the confines
Of my own mind
Pushing against the walls
Of my brain
Struggling to find oxygen
Outside of the synapses
I am instead surrounded
By the millions of other ashes
We have burned together
And we remain together

Above all,
I fear fear itself
Its paralyzing power
Like some sort of poison
Incapacitating me from head to toe

If I give in, I am just another victim
Restrained from feeling
And stuck in a world of the unknown
Where the future reins its ugly head
And the past is nowhere to be seen
The present is just another image
Waiting to be destroyed in a flurry

These thoughts rob me of my senses
And soon I am living a dream
I lose my sense of time
Too weak to stay afloat
Ready for the waves to swallow me whole

And just when all is lost
A hand reaches deep down
Into the waves
And pulls me up by the collar
Saying, “this is not death”
“death is far away”
“death is busy”
“death is preoccupied”
“death does not pay attention to you”
“for you have not caught his attention”

And I am released
Free to drift away
Towards an island that supports me
Free to live amongst the world
The earth still remains spinning
It has not yet ceased

And in the distance
A sunrise can be seen
Can you see it?
Perhaps it is just my imagination
Perhaps I am just dreaming
Lost amongst the stars
And the future or past
Cannot reach me here
I am invincible
Lying in the pacific
Gazing up at the sun and stars
As the moon fishes
For diamonds
Sprinkling my raft
With stardust

Off to sleep,
To play among the stars.
For there is work to be done
Within paradise.

Tumultuous blue,
Damning heaven high above.
God’s land is here
And I walk on the face of the great unknown.

A breathing sea,
A girl in the clouds.
Fishing for me,
While eating the stars of yesterday.

Palpitations that strike eardrums,
In and then out;
Rise and fall,
Until the ground has been consumed by mother sea.

Tangy juice,
A dance upon my tongue.
Causes me to fall into the milky way’s arms
And sink below its depths.

A joy long forgotten,
But inhaled in the taste of jasmine.
Hammer and nail,
Strike against each other once more.

Home is now a place far away;
A sea between her and I.
But fret no more, clementine of gold.
Blink away the salt and drink the sweet nectar.

Waking from a dream,
Lingering for a few moments
Then slipping quietly into space.

Blood red mountain,
Pearly grass.
Greenish dawn
And scarlet sea.

Temptation poised elegantly,
Voluptuous and venomous.
Transparent, encased in a buoyant bubble.

Pinched skin, red from the sting.
Whether or not this is real, I know not.
I follow the stars,
Into inky oblivion.

Voices, patterns,
People like manikins.
Movie figures,
Chasing another desperately.

Without passion, drive, or desire,
They are going through the motions.
There is nothing in their way,
No obstacle to overcome.

swirling
living
in a world
filled
with vicarious
vicious doubt
spreading
a cancer throughout
lingering
for moments
hours
days
weeks
months
then dissipating
softly through
the indigo midnight bloom
filling crevasses
exploding voluptuously
in a brilliant crimson
clouds of dust
ending day
while beginning night
coaxing death
aching
for tranquility
in quiet hours
fearless at dawn
shivering
in the absence of warmth
taking
soft, lonely steps
towards unknown pleasures
yearning
begging
for the sun’s eager rays
to cast long, winter shadows
to awaken us
and to bring
an end
to slumber
in the young hours
restless shifting
and beating fingers
grazing lips
across frozen air
capturing breath
and slowing recovery
spring
blooms tulips
and she
is there
only she
lingers
taking my eyes
and sealing
my quivering mouth shut
with subtle words
robbing me
of my senses
driving
me to the bring of madness
and deserting me
in azure fields
tinged
with velvet gold
she takes
my thoughts
wrapping them
in delicate papyrus
savors them
like i savor
her presence
her silver
her waves
of silken tones
her musical strings
her tulips
in blooming spring
driving away
madness
only her

I was thinking yesterday
If what I see as red
Is what you perceive as red
Because when I see red,
I see a different world
Radiating Warmth and Hunger
Power and Passion
Anger and Lust
Strength and a drive
To stand out strong and resilient like a foot solder
Pairing up with white and blue
A proud patriot with a lion’s heart

And when I see red
I see the Californian sun sinking
Deep into the depths of a tropical world
Far beneath the world we know
I see the crimson cream spread
Suddenly, but slowly
Patiently waiting to fall
Into the tender, loving hands of the sea
Watching the beautiful ball of fire
Spill blood on the canvas of the sky

When I see red
I am a shark
With great white knives as teeth
Buried deep in the pink of gums
I can taste the salt of the ocean
Just like a yearning woman
I taste the sea of life
Everything is prey
I can devour every animal in vicious yearning
I can feel my muscles constricting
Pushing against the water like it is nothing
I can smell fear
White hot in your stomach

When I see red
I see a rose
Just that
A single rose
Petals glistening from the fall rain
Scarlett and open
Layers waiting to be peeled open
By my callused hands
Waiting to be presented to a timid girl
By a shy boy
A rose with thorns so sharp
They feel like razor blades
And must be snipped with gloved hands


When I see red
I am my father’s rage
Boiling in the center of the universe
An alcoholic’s anger
Brimming at the surface
Of the still lake of my home
Screaming at my mother
My rock, my anchor
And I swear to the God I don’t believe in
I’ll cut his ******* throat
If her ever lays a hand on her
But he doesn’t
And I still see red
And I still taste red