I'm sorry if i annoyed you.
I'm sorry if i didn't know what stop meant.
It was my fault you were getting flustered at me.
It was my fault you flung my arm away and turned your back on me,
walking off into the distance.
i tried catching up,
but my heart pinched every time I witnessed your presence stray further and further away.
All I saw was a blurred figure.
My legs started to drag behind me as I tried to hold back my tears in embarrassment.
People were around vaguely noticing the situation.
Of course, my body couldn't take it any longer.
At a nearby school,
I sat on the grassy field feeling the warm tears racing down my cheeks as the sun slowly started to hide behind the trees.
There was no way to stop the agony.
You walked back home and the day hadn't even begun for us.

It was at that moment.
I knew.
I was in confusion.
Never would I think I would be sitting in the bedroom with a fan propped up against my face watching my ex playing PAC Man on the T.V...
Yes,
the room we shared every living breathing moment together.
Why was I there you might ask?
Well because I decided to be there.
Nothing of what you think,
just simply being there.
I prayed and vowed I'd never see him ever again,
I prayed and vowed we'd never cross roads.
But for some reason,
God had other plans.
Why? That I do not know.
I sometimes felt God brought him back in so that I can receive the proper closure I needed and then afterwards leave.
I also believed God knew we had a bond that wasn't going to be found in another person no matter how hard we tried.
“There's only one of one person.”
Doesn't mean we need to be together.
We won’t be together.
Ever.
Can it just mean we can't avoid each other?
Or can we?
We can.
And we did.
I could've said no to meeting up at that McDonald's,
I could've said no to hanging out day by day,
I could've said no to being friends,
I could’ve said no to the ***.
But I didn't.
My love for him made all the decisions.
Latia wasn’t.
In the beginning of it all,
I always said I'd rather us be friends than never seeing each other again because I couldn't bear him knowing all about me and all the funny inside joke memories just gone.
But he moved to Texas and we left on a sour note.
Maybe it was meant that way.
So, I keep this ***** little secret of mine only between my close friend and I because she's the only one that understood this whole situation from the beginning and wouldn't be mad at the fact I still associated my life with him.
Yea, it's my life and no one controls what I do or say or who I hang with,
but I just know...
deep down,
controversy would’ve spurred and everyone would look down on me as if I was a hypocrite or a girl who cried wolf.
Also,
if anything went haywire,
I didn’t want the whole world to know and I hear the backlash of it all.
So no-one but her knows about this.
Being in that room,
being in his presence,
I had to take things as a grain of salt.
Simply because none of it was serious or as deep as I would like it, it was just a casual “friendly bond”.
So I thought.
They always said,
"It's a myth being friends with an ex."
They were right.
It's hard being friends with someone you're in love with,
but it's easy being friends with someone you've only dated for a week or month.
So I sat there,
watching him play PAC man, wondering why the hell I was there and what the purpose in all that was.

You used to want to hold me in your arms,
Now the games give you solace. 
You’d tell me your every thought,
Now we sit in stillness.
I want to be there.
Your episodes are new seasons to me.
I share my body in ache for your showcase and closeness. 
Once you’re done with me you’re back on your solitude. 
I used to be your light,
But I’ve dimmed the ‘shine’ with my selfishness.
My job is to be there,
But my presence feels so obsolete,
Disconnected.
I must be patient with you. 
Kiss me through the phone,
I want to replenish your heart.
Nurture you from the ground up,
Water you with my affirmations.

I hope my eyes still give you a kaleidoscopic dream.

Wish things were the way they used to be. 
Now I barely see you and you’re right in my face. 
It’s like I’m frustrated 
But can’t be. 
I need to be there.
Waking up every morning 
Hoping for a full moon.

I feel like I’m losing you, 
Slipping through my fingers. 
Less than, 
Out of control.
Like there’s no sense of time.

I’m too attached to you. I have to stop and think about my life and everything else around me. I get so wound up in you that I tend to lose track of time or what day it is. That is not healthy. I feel stupid for crying, stupid for begging, stupid for acting this way over a guy. It is never that serious, but I am just too attached.

Call me when you need a hug
I’m there.
You send me through tears,
Beautifully painful.
I’m just a call away.
Through the wire
Passed the dial buttons
Into the speaker
Is my hug for you.
You need me as much as I do.
Let the sea waves soothe you.
Let the wind trickle down your body.
As I hug you through this digital world.

I wake up to the honey buttered toast on a thin china plate.
Chamomile just at the right temperature.
Brown sugar sprinkled on my fresh strawberries.
If I want any caramel macchiato there’s still some left on the stove warm for me.
Peeled and sliced oranges with crisp bacon.
.
.
.

All that you promised to make me when we move in together and start a life together. Guess I'll never get that Sunday breakfast.

If I knew that was the last time I'd see you again, I would've held you in my arms longer.
I would've told you what I thought of you.
"I like the way you lick your lips and laugh as you look away"
"I like the texture of your hair"
I would've admired you a bit longer,
Held your hand tighter; hoping you wouldn't let go.
I would've asked you more questions.
"What do you think of...this ?"
"Where do you feel like you're headed?"
I would've kissed you longer.
Just a bit longer.
I should've played more music, talked a bit longer.
Who knew our time together would cut this short.
God put you in my life for a short period of time to show me there's still hope.
There's people like you out there.
I barely knew you,
But felt you on a level that could've grown to beyond the unknown.
If only I could've felt your warm face against my hand just one more time.
Just one more time...

25 years around the sun.


25 years learning

That I am someone.

In these 25 years

My energy touched those around me.
Warmed hearts,
drew smiles.

Took 25 years to realize

I’ve done a lot
I’m an artist
Started from the ground up,
Created with so many
Turned a passion into a career.

Done things 15yr old me would never believe.

Manifested all that is here.

I’ve seen,
Experienced,
Dealt.

still navigating this avant-garde terrene
Looking to do more.

25 years I…

Visualized my higher self,
Now, I’m showing up as her.

It was so obscure for you to come back into my life.
I wasn't expecting it.
You asked me to meet you at our local McDonald's.
Right then and there,
I should've said no.
I should've turned my back and not pursued a 2 month interaction with you.
But I chose to open my soul back to you and deter my wall of avoidance I had for you.
My wishes and dreams to be yours once again was a false imagination to the naked eye.
You even told me it would never happen but I chose to be stubborn and naive.
The things you do when you're in love.
I could say this was all your fault, but I played a part in it too.

I would be roadkill if it wasn't for you.
The street lights in the neighborhood were never safe.
Red meant stop and green meant go,
but no matter how long you stood,
red would stare dead at you,
never changing.
When can I walk across?
When is it safe?
If I dip a toe onto the street would the car stop?
How do I know?
The streets were so jagged and confusing it was a lost to who turns right and who's turn was it to walk.
But you.
You grabbed my hand and showed me the ropes.
You lived there much longer than me so I should know.
It didn't matter if the green would never appear,
it didn't matter how many cars drove by in a millisecond.
"When it's safe, you walk."

You said you'd be home, where are you?
...

There's warm bread in the oven,
Cooked collard greens on the ***,
Roasted sweet corn and stewed pork meat.
Sweet peas on the side, just how you like it.

I threw in dry wood so that the fireplace stays in heat.

...

I've waited two whole hours, the candles have burned out. I placed the cheesecake back in the fridge and drunk the last bit of red wine.

Surely, one day, you'll return.
And when you do, there'll be a hot meal waiting for you.

The lilacs brush up against the brick houses.
Sun cascades over the roofs and sidewalks,
showing its welcoming invigorating warmth.
The wind hushes the chaos as the birds are all nestled amidst the trees.
Nothing like the smell of pine and damp soil in the air.
Nature,
speak to me like I'm a child in your womb.
The branches tick and tack against the windows.
Leaves skip and sail across into the muddy puddles.
Oh, how I love the way the sky brushes fresh colors of periwinkle and apricot.
I sit outside my porch and gaze upon what life has given us,
nature.

How weird is it?
To think I used to not know of your existence.
I somehow...
Liked the half of my life where I didn't know you were a person.
Once we met though,
God, I haven't been able to get you out of my head since.
It's hard to imagine...
I used to be able to like my life without you consuming my head with thoughts.
I want to kiss you,
but only in the the most ways.
No dictionary definition would stand a chance...
To describe how your lungs could be filled with the sweetest air possible,
Yet you be so breathless.

I weep and told you I always said I was the reflection of you.
God wanted me to breathe the air you breathed.
I cried for us to be together.
Don't do it for our parents, do it for us.
We were here to agree to disagree.

To the Libra who sparked a bit of happiness in my path.
That person came to me on a spontaneous act.
We connected,
Chopped it up as if we knew each other for years.
We're libras.
We clicked,
Had things in common.
They made me feel good while also fearful.
I knew they weren't mine,
But I couldn't get enough.
I would have my suspicions,
They were outweighed by the bond we formed the more we spent time alone...

~Sometimes I just want to run away with the love of my life.~

Take my hand as we escape the pain and confusion.
I'll listen to you like lyrics to a song.
I put my trust in you.
Your hand on the steering wheel,
the other in mine,
Just kiss me right now as if today was your last.
Kiss me as if this will never last.
The windows are down and I can feel the breeze fly through the night.
You're singing to me,
it makes my, once cold body, warm.
There's a light at the end,
only we can see.
This is the day after forever...

Hello birdie,
You flown on my shoulder and sung me a melody.
A melody that couldn’t be replicated
A melody that was meant for me.
I’ve been hooked to the tune ever since…
My sweet birdie
You’re so free.
I fear you’ll soar so far
You won’t come back home.

I see you’re a special one
Your melody is different.
It sends fireworks through my veins—
Rushing to my vitals—
Pumping and generating pure love.

How selfish of I to have something so beautiful.
I wait on you by the window,
But you’ve slowly stopped coming.
I don’t look for any other symphony but yours.
But I guess I’ve stopped listening to your song…

I’ve shut my window and closed my ears.
Tuned myself into other noise.
You’ve flown so far from me I can no longer hear you.
That is my fault…
Have I taken advantage of your specialness?
I fear you’ll sing that same melody elsewhere.

God, my sweet songbird
What have I done?…
So gentle
So serene.
I fear you’ve already sung that special tune to someone else.
Open my window and stick my head out,
I put my ear against the wind
And waited.
Waiting…
Is it too late?

You’ve grown tired of singing to me
But I won’t stop.
I’ll stand by my window and wait.
Wait till I hear your nectarous symphony again.
I won’t stop
Till I feel you on my shoulder once again,
Home at last…

I stood in the midst and took my oath
Swore on my life I’d fight till my knees buckled.

Murdered those close to me in sacrifice.
Slained the ones that came close to you.
Battled till I saw the sun,

Weep and mourned till the moon appeared.
Taking wounds after wounds,
I rose and slained.
Tread the rocky alps and strong tides.

For what I thought was defending my own,
Turned into a betrayal of deadly sins.
I’ve thrown up the flag of ivory
with the promise of relinquishing my fight.

The rain washes the ick from the world. Cleansing me.
Healing me internally.
Who would have thought that rain can rinse away
the illness of the corrupted mind.
Who knew such organic smells could transform
your outer being.
You’re a plant in mother nature’s womb.
Kissed by lilacs and nurtured with the
sap of a Thousand Oaks.
Let the rain purify the marred heart
and guide those lossless souls back to
the innocent land.
Like a fairy, travel back to the
motherland of abundance and
self love.