I just realized: I will die without you by my side
During my wake you will be just another guest instead of my grieving spouse
You will shed a tear
In the crowd
And when they talk about my life, your memories will be outdated
You will not know my first apartment
You never heard the story about how I saved the kitten from the tree
(And it’s probably a good one)
You will not recognize my crow’s feet or know when they first appeared
Next to the eyelids you used to memorize with your lips
You will sit there like a memory
Like the cologne my grandfather used to wear
A distant smell that I haven’t smelled for years
Lost in the back room of “Used to be here
But not.”
You were the first to make my heart thud in my chest
And when it stops you will not be there
You will hear about it from a mutual friend
And appear as a stranger
With flowers from Valentine’s Day far too late

I scream things in my head.
I called her a *****. I wished you were dead.
Then I realized you could be and I repented.
I felt guilty. Then I didn't.
And I thought it again.

Never confuse my mercy as submission, my kindness as permission.
I no longer love like a hurricane, but if you make me stop you better hope I don't stay.
Because I will bring the flood like you've never seen a dry day,  
bring lightning down like a god sent it and set the forest ablaze
so not even Gaia can mend it.
And finally you will listen when I say enough.
Because yes, it has been enough.
Even if you never listened the first time, it has been enough,
more than enough.
And I've made my mistakes, no doubt.
I've stepped through glass and smiled instead of just bowing out.
I've let pride and fear conquer my last few years
until I no longer knew what I was asking to hear.
No one knows me anymore.
And I don't really know when it stopped.
I've traveled in this body for 20 years and it's held me in this long.
But sometimes it feels like it is bleeding out.
Like I am too much for this tiny skin sack to hold.
Like if I scream too loud it just may explode,
but scream I must do because when I try to talk my voice gets lost.
No one ever hears me and I can scream, I can try, but no one ever listens until I cry.
Until I overflow.
Until I've spent so many days alone in my head
that my soul begins to crack
and my head begins to screech
and I can feel my heart begin to bleed
with all the emotions that you didn't care to see.
I feel like an earthquake is shattering through me, rocking my core.
And still you don't see me.
My shame outweighs my pain
so I hide away so no one can pity my remains.
I smile so hard my back hurts from carrying my lies
so pardon my lack of surprise
when you want me to carry more of the weight of your life.
Oh it's not that I would normally mind,
but could you please open your eyes,
look inside,
and ask when was the last time you ever asked what was on my mind?
That feeling that you spend all day absorbing other peoples problems
and no one ever attempts to hold yours even for a second
in their brain or their heart,
or even their hands.
And I'm not asking that you cradle them or press them to your chest
or even carry them on your back,
but just to hold them in your palm
and run them through your fingers
before you drop them to the ground and walk away.
I'm tired of holding things to my chest
and letting them block my heart from access
so no one can see my pain.
Because I spend more time saying your name
than I ever spend saying "I."
I need and I want,
but you want harder and you need harder
so I take my time to stop your crying and
I wonder in my head the next time my time will be just mine.
I spend too much time of mine alone crying,
but still not enough than when I have to sit with you smiling
while my head aches and my heart is dying.
So be careful when you tell someone "You'll never be in more pain than I" because you do not know what is on their mind, you do not know what made them cry, cry so hard that one night they wondered if their pillow would ever be dry.

I wish I never had to write
Pain never consumed me
To the point where my fingers
Spill lightning onto paper
Because my heart pounds like thunder
Making my mouth unable to speak these words
That I am only compelled to write on paper
A storm I never wanted to ever feel
Ever.
A storm I promised I’d never have to bow my head to
Or brace myself against the winds
A storm that screams so loud that I cannot
And that I cannot breathe
For fear of bringing more of that storm into my body
To shake my soul like a boat on the tide
Capsize it and sink it
Deep to the bottom
To fall and fall
Where it’s a relief to hit the bottom
So only it could stop
Yet unlike that ship my soul
Has to suffer twice
Swimming back up and still drowning
Eternally searching for that spot of light
That spot of hope
That is still far after when my pen leaves the paper
Only slightly relieved

You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.
You just confuse me
Cause when your good you are oh so good
But when your better you throw me
And I say the things you want to hear
Which isn’t always good or true.
Your words are bigger and longer
Than any one I know
You’re oh so smart and loyal
Just please sit down while you speak
Cause when you start pacing my brain goes racing
And it’s my words that lose their feet.
But I love you dearly, deary
And you say you love me too.
But when you come running
And the football goes tumbling
Its cause my brain kicked it too.

Creatures crawl while we fight
Meanwhile we stand and throw our words
And I don’t know why.
But I’d rather crawl away
And sit in black the rest of the day
And the day after that until its okay
To look you in the face
And believe “I love you” again.

I didn’t mean it
All though it is true.
I'd never want to hurt you.