i don't know who i want you to be
anymore

i wanted you.
only you.
curled into you on the couch.
your eyes.
running my fingers through your hair and down your back over and over.
soft neck kisses.
stories in the dark.
bad singing in bed.

all i wanted you to be was stuck in that time.
mine.

i wanted to be the girl you told your friends back home about.
the girl u told your sister about.
the one you'd show off.
i wanted you to want me.

our sweet nights faded
as everything does --

i settled for being the girl you just wanted to ****.
even if it was nothing to you,
it kept you here.
at least it meant you wanted me -- part of me.
then, all you had to be was the guy who called me at 3 am after the party was over.
because at least you'd call.

i don't know who i want you to be anymore.

if i had to describe you,
the only way would be

inevitable.

you were always coming to me,
in ways i never could have seen until you were here.

you. you. you.
it's constant,
never ceasing to take a break,
ever pulsing.

I cannot escape
you.
I've carried my heavy limbs miles away from running my fingers down your back and through your curly hair.
I've cut myself off from sending you the thousands of messages I surely would have.

I don't know how to escape you.
you're inevitable to me.

even when you're gone,
and I swear it's over, for good this time,

I feel you coming back to me,
and I pray that you'll always be this
inevitable
home.

(a.g.)

Everyone one of them I couldn’t hold –

The first was like honey;
Sweet, lingering,
Slowly, sloppily, dripping off my fingers
As I realized I could no longer hold it.
Even as it slipped,
The sticky residue remained.
I’ve washed and washed a hundred times over
And still find the first one –
Sticky in all tiny creases I was sure I had scrubbed.

The second – sand.
I held closely to each grain,
Praying I could keep them,
Praying they’d magically solidify into something I could clutch;
Something I could keep.
The second slipped away,
Grain by grain,
Now there’s just the scent that I sometimes catch.

The third… is inconclusive.
The third appeared solid
But then quickly slipped away the second I tightened my hands around it
To keep it close.
3 comes back to me the second I am fine with its absence,
Until I try to grasp it –
My hands left restless and searching.

But am I meant to find something to hold?
Or am I meant to only have the residue,
The lingering,
Of all that once was,
And now is,
Me.

(a.g.)

how fragile this thing is...

you're not fully mine,
we spend so many nights
fully intertwined.
it feels like you're mine,
+ just as I almost let myself give into the idea you are,
just as I almost let the forbidden words slide off my tongue
effortlessly,
as they know no other way –
I remember that you aren’t mine

you don’t want to be.

I don’t know how close I can let you get –
you’ve already passes all the boundaries
put in place for all the others.
but you –

I give you everything.
I’m fully yours for the taking.

its so easy to be yours and give all I have to you,
but you aren’t fully mine
and you never will be.

Isn't it funny,

I can convince myself I deserve roses and songs and grand gestures and all the little sweet things,
I can convince myself that I won’t settle for anything less.
But, none of that seems to matter with you.
I worship at your feet that could kick me away a hundred times,
Bruised ribs and skin raw,
I’d come crawling back to you each time.
I’d give everything I own to touch your sweet lips
Or look at that smile;
You could chew me to pieces and spit me out
And I’d still want nothing more than you.
Isn’t it funny that I’d choose to be treated like **** in your arms
Than to be in the arms of someone who would worship me.

None of it matters when it comes to you.

(a.g.)

the sun always sets.
it always leaves me.

I’m waiting for you to see it …
As they all have before.
That my eyes don’t carry as much light as you thought they did,
That I don’t know how to hold you in the ways you’d like,
That I’m not enough.

I’m praying that you don’t see it;
As you wrap your arms around me and bring me to your chest,
And carefully place tender kisses on my head,
With the same lips that carry the best smile my heart has known,
And you have these eyes that I don’t think I could ever forget,
And looking into them is like finding something sacred and new
and I can imagine years passing… but your eyes and the way they look at me –
that remains untouched.  

I’m praying you don’t see it;
As I wake up next to you,
Your hand still in mine, holding me just as you had the night before --
You traced my fingers so gently until I fell asleep.
As our eyes meet and the purest smile forms on your face
just before you lean in to kiss me.

I’m praying you don’t see it…


(a.g.)