Were they all real
or were they just all manic tendencies?

That time when I believed I was god,
and nothing can hurt me.

I’m not writing this
as a culmination of my grief

Time has slipped in between meeting myself,
meeting those who came to be with you,
and those of your different timelines  

I may have coped with the emptiness
and the endless attempts to surrender
But I have yet to answer
— where am I at acceptance?

I’ve held on to the empirical evidence of your absence
Pleading for objectivity and logic
wash off the unlyrical truth of an ending

But acceptance has me spiraling on several stages:
dwelling in the past, our could’ve beens
And meeting the unmet parts of myself
especially in purpose and faith

Time became your enemy,
and so it did with the people whom you’ve abandoned
Left flowing and floating
along these rivers of discernment, contemplation
— the meaning of life, our worthiness

All while holding on to faith and trust
that someday will blanket the longing
and quiet somber of your absence

You always linger. I feel you around.
Even through pain and regret, comforting love sets in — here with me.

I write to myself, with no other way of telling:
I miss you and I hate you at the same time.

…and you’ll still linger.
In random memories and in daydreams of where we could be.

…and you will continue to linger.
In whatever form you turn into, I will take whatever I can take.

To honor
And for our memories' sake.

The flames have been blown away
Memories, tethered.
History has been made
And the pain subsided.

You feel safe now
From a distance, there’s more comfort
The joy remains
Both within the proximity
of one another
And apart

Too much history
Too much luminosity
Too much clarity
Too much—

We were here and there
Yet, in permanence
We’re nowhere we thought we’d be

No, there’s nothing left
Only gratitude.

When you let go of the negative self talk, you also teach yourself to be more compassionate and accepting of your own flaws and theirs. You learn to broaden your level of understanding and see everything with kinder eyes — That humans are inherently good despite our complexities and our own baggages. That everyone who’s hurt us did not intend to hurt us. That we try to do what we think is best in every moment. That sometimes, our comprehension of their actions based on how it made us feel reflects our own insecurities or trauma. Once we learn to accept that, we allow ourselves to be more forgiving. And when we learn to overcome old patterns, we allow ourselves to heal.

I have come to terms with knowing that no good comes from resistance. That accepting only what feels aligned will serve our highest good, even if it feels painful. Pain is the price of knowing what it means to love, and gratitude always comes after it.

And no matter how inherently good people are, some could not meet us where we’re at.

I am where I am as love touches me. Having my heart broken for as many times as it have doesn’t diminish my self worth. I love and have loved before. I know better each time.

Navigating through my emotions in extremes and understanding from the polar ends of the scale has only either gave me too much or of lacking. As if to only fully experience something is to only choose from the perspective of abundance or scarcity. That living in the moment is to understand each strand of evolution, entanglement, biology, art, and expression all at once and dissect it as if all these matter like life and death. Why, despite knowing and becoming, is it so difficult for myself to live in neutrality.

If there’s anything I have learned from all the meditation classes and books I’ve read, is that every decision that will lead us to our highest path is a decision (and action) based on love, not fear. Yet, when you have intellectualized these lessons for a time, applying it in actual relationships can become challenging, if not uncomfortable. And what seems depression and anxiety to me is plainly just self work undone.

Outside the emptiness, self work was handy, allowing myself to only take in what the body could accommodate. Yet I can’t stay within the familiar path, even if it means facing the hard truths, letting go of limiting beliefs, and unlearning toxic habits.

To commit to myself is to stay in alignment. To commit to myself is to listen to my body.

You think you love me, but you don’t.
And as much as I wanted you to, and you wanted yourself to–
The answer will always be a no.

No, you don’t.
Yes, you tried.
But no, you never chose me.

It doesn’t make sense, does it?
Not all things true, don’t.
Nor untrue.

We loved, you and I.
For a short while.
Choosing and reckoning what was it that made us

Us,
From a momentum filled with joyous embrace
To bridges burning, memories flayed