here i am lying beside the crack below my door.

hello? is anybody there?

it's so dark in here.



here i am inside my mind.

brought here by the traumatzing pain

that i have endured.



sleeping for all of eternity.

waiting for food to arrive underneath

my door.

dying for something to drink.



are you there?

sometimes i believe i hear you.

i cry in this dark room

all by myself

peering through the crack

for signs of moving feet or words never to be spoken.



my glossy eyes close themselves

involuntarily.

waiting for something to happen that never will.

Walking,walking,Walking.

Driving, driving, Driving.

Parking,parking,Parking.

Competition,worry,Win...yet

­Lose.



Heart.Home.Hurt.

Kiss.Love.Lie.

Yes.Maybe.Nevermind.

Friend.­ betray.Lie.

Sleep. Dream. Hope.



Money.frugal? NOT.

need.need.need.

no no no time for me.



Lust.Love.Jealousy?

What?! Who me?



Reach.Fall.Reach.

pity the poor when rich.

Pity the rich when poor.

No one will ever do anything about any of this.

this is comparable in terms

of importance and reality.

Pick your battles she told me

Never be submissive, experience taught.

Never trust, the world whispered in my ear.

All too quiet as if it were a secret



Scarred is he who wears a smile.

only as a substance lay in his blood

yet all the while

in confusion is he who refuses

to find a solution.



Hard is it, to accept the past.

no words, no questions asked.

Vacant spaces with blank stares,

Never to be kissed, to be held

choose not to be aware.



To see hundreds of people everyday

to never count them

to never think

what is their middle name?

What is their favorite color?

What we're their parents like?

What are they like?

Have they been hurt,

are they hurt?

read between the lines of a vacant stare

have hope that a smile is genuine

and may you find happiness there.

Why does everything have to be so perfect
for everyone?
all the time, every time.

see-it-to-believe-it
a blind man can see more
than we can.

we as in greedy,filthy,hungry,hypocritical,
antagonizing, walk-the-walk, and
talk-the-talk kind of society.

I've come to the realization,
that i am my own
and you are your own
worst enemy.

and i refuse to carelessly create a dependency
on the defected critic within myself.
I have a brain. I am sane.
Insanity is a fabrication of ones own ability
to ACCEPT, CONCLUDE, and CONVERSE.
so in turn the insane will confuse
their own reality for the worlds reality.
Can you imagine, adopting a word
and labeling yourself with it?
As if YOU were molded around IT.
Not allowing yourself to distinguish
this imaginative delusion from reality
By an opinion, not a fact
you have adopted and concocted within yourself
an imaginary abnormality.
which will never leave your mind
unless of course you will it to.

I was so sick. I was so hurt. I was damaged goods.
I was, I am. I I I I I I I
I stands for imagery which i get when i relate the word i
to myself. I envision two little mes' sitting a top each shoulder
influencing the voice inside my brain to do things.
Influencing the "control center" if you will.
But the thing is....
That's my conscious mind, not really me. Until i realized this, I had never felt more alone.
Under going this epiphany of sorts, this deep evolvement of my very soul,
I was drug out by the ankles, out of the very existence that i had come to accept as my own.
When I opened my eyes to discover the truth and beauty in life
i could perceive things differently, with clarity. Refreshing. I could
wake up with a smile. Not only tolerate but accept people and their habits. Converse with them as
if i had been connected in some meaningful way. And as I lay my head down to sleep, I allow myself to conclude
that I am me with all of my flaws, grammar mistakes and all. I am still who i want to and should be.

There is a burning in my chest
a deep feeling creeping up
that i can't deny.
is it coming back?
this awful superstition
this paranoia of sorts.
has all sanity in my mind disappeared
and my epiphany an illusion
is sanity real?
or is sanity the dream
and crazy is the me
the you
the great ******* spectacular anything
and everything
that you and i desire?
am i the one whose heart and whose very soul
depend on this fire?
why do people exaggerate every part of their being
to seem intellectual, mystical, and care about
everything?
why should you?
why should i?
we can sit on the rooftop of this parking garage
and watch this whole ******* city go to ****
and have each a bottle of cheap wine
laugh and reminisce
about the old times
where we never knew each other
and how we wish we did
how we are so alike
and dream about a hypothetical kid
and how she would be
or how everything could be perfect between you and me
and then it would happen
but what would happen?
would we be everything we imagined?
or would we be the same as the city?

Things are most pivotal  when advances are at stake.
millions of people
live at leisure with breathing, intake and exhale
and at such a loss would they be
if their lungs collapsed
and their body fell.
what a struggle that would be
like watching a moth die
as you poked and probed with a sewing needle.
would it make you cruel?
does it make the moth cruel when eating your clothes?
and once the moth in agony died, would you cry?
would you have it a funeral?
I have this evocative voice in my head
that tells me...
no, you wouldn't.
but its the imbrication of it all...the act of, the act of doing,
whose to say that suffering isnt as beautiful as the birth?
Is it inhumane not to have a preference?
would you consider one without a preference numb?
are we not all animals in the same circle of life and death?

i'm spinning.
i see you.
you see me.
a curve in your lips
lights and people -a blur.
i am entrapped. captivated.
I love those lines underneath your eyes when you smile.
everything feels so alive.
my hand feels the warmth of your neck.
and i...forget the world.

opening my eyes
to a beautiful face.
your eyes are closed.
i think i'll just stare for now.
examining your hands
long fingers, that welcome mine.
a smile that beckons the sun to pass over those
hazel brown eyes of yours.
i am engulfed in your very presence
and my entire being is enthralled with every touch
every look

oh god look at me again.
I don't know what i'll do.
It's past the point of infatuation
i find myself grateful for your body.
laying next to mine.
breathing.
speaking your bizarre words
doing this in your sleep.

I miss you when you sleep.

life is unfathomable without you.
this is affinity.
i am drawn.

i crave your space. i need you. i want you.

what are the chances of people like us, falling in love.

you are my impossible.

rays of sunshine through the window
between the blinds
dwell over my eyes
lingering like star dust
glittering in all of its gold glory
a smile
a smile with teeth
hands embraced
eyes on eyes
like friendship bonds
love intertwines
constant everlasting
getting lost in your pupils
that i am in your class
staring, sheepishly thinking ***** beautiful thoughts
a smile
a laugh
tickiling
early morning sunrise.

Should i pretend this isnt happening?
this distant fog I'm drifting through
I'm in this haze of trials and tribulations
Should it be ignored?
Should it be faced?
When in my peripherals there is always some
shadow lurking about.
picking away at my brain
then swiftly disappears.

It honestly gives me a ******* headache.

with a tap tap of a pencil
the beat of  a some ghetto *** hoodlum car passing by.
some unimportant individual
with unsubstantial advice and "unbiased" opinions
with meaningless passerby conversation
that i wont remember when i go to sleep.
on some unintelligent debate without true stone cold facts
and i'm observing this
and listening to this
and i just think....have these people not read a single book in their life?

anyway, a problems only a problem when you make it a problem.
and you only make it a problem because you can't find a solution.
and you cant find a solution when at every string you reach for
is broken or tied in a knot.
now wheres the resolution in that?
where's the stride, the hope?
and all along i'm wondering, is it the posture in my back?

and your standing on your tiny tippy toes hopping to and fro
yet there you stand.
in the fog, alone.

Its dark outside.
only the glare from the street light
depicts the plants from the street
as its light cuts through tiny crystals
falling from the sky
like miniature lighting bolts.

Thumping down on the tin roof above my head.
its calm and gentle, soothing to say the least.
beautiful in the most simple way.
yet accompanied by an alarm
which insists little children jump into bed
with frightened eyes and trembling fingers
and parents turn off the electricity.

My eyes feel heavy.
As i'm deliriously staring into space
i begin to fall
engulfed in egyptian cotton sheets
i fall
so deep
so dark
awaiting a response
awaiting a scream
something.
my anticipation was wasteful.
I am engulfed, devoured, nothing can compare to this.
Nothing can pull me out. nothing. especially not now.
Then i wake up, and the world is a beautiful place.
...and i can see you.
You are the street light.
I am the rain.

there is a simple mono toned beeping in my brain

and as its bleeping, i keep saying

these fireworks for stars are brighter than they ever are

and i'm only lost on this captivating island for so long

i gaze and to gaze, is a miracle itself yet not as miraculous as the planets risen high in the sky

and as deep as the resin in my pipe.

and the grass, so much greener

and the water in this puddle is much cleaner

although i've gazed for such a deliberate extended time

and how it flies

like fireflies or some annoying dragon fly.

all flies. do fly but how high could i take this dragon fly

until she loses oxygen and begins to forfeit her life?

am i this dragon fly? Do i really wanna to die?

Does anyone?

hold on

anyway, as i was saying

am i viewed as absent minded,

when dwelling within my mind

seems to me to be fine?

is it absolutely outrageous that i can't hear you when you speak?

or that i choose not to?

because when you speak, i think, and when i think i dream, on all of that which i percieve to be truthful and great

and stuff

but i'm just analyzing, and finalizing how i really feel about the situation.

and in that deep contemplation i am in a state, and as i am in my state of being late

you are awaiting a response. which you instantly say

"nevermind"

I hate the n and v in that word.

with their sharp edges and falsifying curves.

staring into space now until  every color is one and every object a blur.

and then their is silence

and if you actually cared about the science of it all

you would know i only see what i want to see when i sleep

and so do you, but it's all the same to me.

i'll weave in and out of our conversation as i am

day dreaming of something blue, with warm heat rays

piercing into my very core.

it doesnt mean i'm bored, i just have an imagination,

what? oh...nothing i wasnt here for that anyway....

she's laying awake at night
staring at your face
with all of its expressions
she stares deep
into the layers of skin wrapped in veins and arteries
where your skull hides your brain
I'll slice the thought and break your mind
and as i chip away all of these meaningless things
i chip these memories, these heartbreaks, this abandonment.
like an infection coming for your soul.
i rip away every aspect of every hope and desire
like the fire deep in your stomach when she appears
you hope to have her there, when you're not really here.
thriving and convulsing to get out
fingers twitch
it moves up your hand
they tremble and shake
your arms compelled to move
your muscles ache.
you feel the loss of control.
you feel this burning sensation crawling in your back
like a snake slithering around and around your spinal cord
squeezing and tightening its grip with every movement you make.
holding on to every kiss now
every moment in its passionate complex
feeling the beads of sweat run down her shoulder blades,sides,lower back
as she thrusts her hips against yours
your running for it now
you remember the sounds she made
the way she breathed.
shes putting on her clothes
strapping her shoes.
your still sleeping.

theres no tomorrow
when there is only today
and in this moment
there is nothing but
beauty,love, and frustration
but i wouldn't have it any other way.
i wouldnt have it without you.
you are the only pillars
that i could ever have for this stubborn bridge
the only constants in my constant forever
in this cruel dark world, with evil that influences
and spreads it gasses about.
the only light that shines through the thickest of curtains
at the weakest point of my existence.
i can see it in your innocent little eyes
and in your tears when your upset.
how could i leave you
i can see the disappointment as well
every time i go away.
your always in disbelief.
your so gentle and small.
you have no idea about how ugly the world can be.
I feel as though i ruin a small portion,
of the innocence that i so cherish,
every time i walk away.
I do it for you.
I do it to help you remain comfortable, humble
and content in your resting place.
I hope that you will forgive me.
Please forget that this even occurred.