I lay clutching a pillow wishing it were your chest.
I puff my cigarette pretending it is my last.
Drifting from reality into my dreams, the first thing I see is you.
It scares me so much that I wake up out of breath.

Maybe if things had turned out differently,
I wouldn't have woken up to a broken arm & a sore chest
or a hole in my bed sheet from a cigarette I swore would be my last.

I drank until you weren't real.
Until I couldn't feel
anymore.

I drank until I only saw faces.
Until there were no traces
of yours.

I drank until I couldn't think.
Until all I wanted was another drink
and not your mouth on mine.

I drank until the world went black.
Until I lost track
of what I really wanted which was
you.

There are things growing inside me that I cannot explain..

Like flowers they bloom through my sockets
With little, bright petals that face the sun

They stem themselves in between my arteries and veins, leaving no space for darkness or negativity

Their vines wrap around my brain, squeezing so gently as to only press inadequate thoughts out

I am grateful for these things that have grown
inside me...
Which now show themselves on my outside too

We're speaking in bodies now
Our hearts beating at a faster pace

Your fingertips express your lust
& my lips part to say your name

Your love bites leave me breathless
& I forget we're practically strangers

Oh boy, we have no shame

I miss the feeling of your eyes on my back.

The way they burned through my skin
& how we looked at each other without actually locking eyes.

& when we did lock eyes everything seemed to stop

There was a satisfaction in your stare
I wanted you to look at me forever

But things have changed

& now your eyes burn through me for only a moment
& when our eyes lock nothing stops

I miss the feeling of your eyes on my back.

I still have your scent in my nose
I've been searching the world to find it,
in hopes of finding you.

Nothing quite matches up
and it leaves me wondering..

If I even have the right smell
maybe I'm looking for something that's
impossible to find.

Why are all my flowers dead?
I gave them water to help them live

I hooked them up to IV bags
& performed blood transfusions
with my own liquids

Its as if they were in a head on collision,
in a 12 car pile up on a highway in August.

As if they laid upon the asphalt in the sun,
withering to the bone, they pass.

Why are all my flowers dead?

Tonight I am at a loss
A loss of
            Words, thoughts, myself

Another small piece of me gone
Locked away somewhere
Waiting to be rediscovered

Numbness comes next
Filling me to the brim
Making me lost

In limbo, surrounded by emptiness
I feel nothing.

He smelled like smoke & a sleepless night
I hugged his back, asked  if he was alright
He said he felt like ****
& took one more hit
From that cigarette of his.

I grabbed a smoke & sat to his left
His eyes weren't bright but still they were deft
He looked up at the sky
I saw his thoughts fly
I'd never seen him feel so blue

He said he missed home & this girl he once knew
I felt like crying, he felt that too
I sat there smoking, not knowing what to do
I began making sense of the truth

He held me close
but I could see
there was nothing left of "you & me"

He was in love with her & I with him
I felt my heart go completely dim

I went back inside
Hoped to die
& never woke up to see those brown eyes
I'd drifted in sleep
Counted too many sheep
Simply because there was no more "you & me"

I wanna go for a late night adventure...

& order fast food then drive to the nearest park & swing till we throw it all up..

we'll laugh & go smoke while we walk, looking up ever so often at the stars.

we'll clear our head of all the days misconceptions & we'll go home tired.

our minds will have been cleared by the night & we'll go into a dreamless sleep