Photos of you make me smile
Almost as much as you used to make me yourself.
Seeing that you're enjoying yourself is great,
Almost as much as I used to enjoy being with you.
Knowing you're at peace, you're content
Is almost as terrific as how I felt when you'd kiss me goodnight.
Your smile surely lights up your face
Just as a smile used to light up mine when you said you loved me.
Your heart is open and new and refreshed,
Just as I am now that I don't hold it.
Your heart was nice to hold
Until it became too heavy.
It weighed me down, anchored me
To the thought that there was only you.
Trust me, I love you still.
But not as much as I used to.
Trust me, some days I hurt.
But not as much as I used to.
Trust me, we are better off this way,
So much better than we used to be.
I can fondly say that you being happy
Makes me happy also.
It's notably sad that we couldn't be happy together,
But it's okay.
I'm okay, you're okay, we will move forward and move on,
Almost to the point where I forget what you smell like,
To the point where I forget your mannerisms,
Your quirks and faults and tendencies.
But I won't forget your lips on my neck,
Or your love of dancing with me.
I won't forget how much you loved me,
enough to save me until I learned to save myself.
You leaving is actually a testament to how much you helped me;
You saved me so that I could learn to do so independently.
And you left.
And I saved myself.
And I wrote this.
And I smiled.
I smiled, looked at a photo of you,
And smiled again because I know we are happy.
We are separate, happy, and okay.
What more could I ask for?
My boyfriend that I'd dated on and off for nearly 3 years ended things a few days ago; it was a mutual decision, though he was the one to say it and for once, I didn't fight him on it. I just left and didn't look back.
I'm surprisingly not a mess. I am notorious for losing my cool when he's gone because he was my rock. He saved me when I was depressed and suicidal, he saved me when I was alone and unhappy. He showed me how to live again, and thanks to him I'm here and alive. He was my backbone for a long time and now that we aren't together I can form my own backbone.
The first few times we broke up, I was resentful, utterly upset and miserable. I loved him so much and was so scared to walk this world without him. But now I realize this is for the better; we don't need one another. We are okay without one another, better actually. Out relationship rested solely on that we loved each other. It was all we had to substantiate why we were together, and love can't be the only factor. I love him plenty but love is never all you need. You need so much more to make a relationship work, and we didn't have the resources within ourselves to do so.
And now that we aren't together, I realize this is my time to grow and be my own person, not just Xavier's girlfriend. He helped me stand up, supported me until I could do so on my own. I firmly believe people come into our lives for a purpose and leave when that purpose has been fulfilled. He fulfilled his purpose and left, and that's how it's supposed to be.
I just love who he was for me for the 5 years that we were friends, for the 3 that our whirlwind relationship lasted. He was my rock, and he taught me the importance of love and being there for someone. He's now teaching me that by not being here, and I think I love him all the more for it.
Doubtfully so, but if he ever reads this, thank you. I'm okay. Don't worry. I'm my own rock and I am genuinely, whole-heartedly happy. I'll always have a sliver of love for you in my heart and I'm eternally thankful for you. In a weird way, I would not be so okay if you hadn't taught me how to be so. It's almost like you knew this would happen and you prepared me well, well enough that I can move on and be happy without you. It's odd that you were the one to teach me that, but you did. I love you & I only cry now because I realize how great you were, and our relationship only makes me happy and thankful. I'm not sad you're gone, only a little. I'm not very sad at all really. I'm just thankful.