Everything was going perfect
until I remembered you.
I was happy for the first time in a solid month,
then you invaded my mind like some virus.
You spread around my body, leaving me with memories,
The feelings of the memories
Shame
Horror
*****
And you wouldn't ******* leave!!!
He asks if I want to curl up and cuddle with him,
and, oh my god, does my body crave someone to hold me,
to truly love me.
My mind cries out, wanting him to make me whole,
But I can't.

            You ruined me.

Who gave you the right?

You haunt my sleeping and my waking

mind. I dream of you at night and fear you

in the day. I think of you constantly. Only you,

With your too large hands on my too small body.

I can't hug my boyfriend, can't handle criticism,

Can't deal with emotions. Because of you. Because

of your selfishness, because of your cruelty,

because of your sick perversions.



I had another dream tonight.

You starred in it, as always. You, with your slimy voice,

calloused hands, wet tongue. I woke up, tears spilling

down my cheeks again, the salt burning my skin

I've never hurt anyone. Not that I know of.

Never gotten into a fight, never done anything bad

enough to deserve this. So, why? Why did you do this to me?

I'm done waking up, gasping for air, with tears

in my eyes. I'm tired of crying over you.



You swept in and stole my life.

I'm not right because of you. I can't make love to

the love of my life. I can't talk to people. And love?

Love is a concept I couldn't comprehend. Not until

recently. I thought it was for others, but never

for me. No, I was *****, all used up. I wasn't made for

such frivolities. You took ******* love from me.


So, I ask again, who gave you the god ****** right?

I don't know what to do.
All my sorrys and empty words,
The rehearsed sympathy,
The tears that stain my skin
My hands that shake as I cry for him,
They're useless.
I need out, he says
And I know that.
But I can't do anything.
Help me, he says
And my heart breaks
Because I don't know how.

I don't know what to think of this.
                                   L o v e
Four little, inconspicuous letters.
One syllable.
Chock full of meaning.
                power
             joy
      perfect
  physical
emotional
                                              (p  a  i  n  f  u  l)
Its bittersweet.
Sometimes, it makes your heart soar
Sometimes its so intense it HURTS
So much, you question if its worth it.
... But in the end you know it is.
Because you've never in your life have you felt like this,
Felt so linked to another soul,
Never had anyone care about you,
And you know, if it ever ended,
You wouldn't know what to do with yourself.
Its too late to go back to who you were before.
Back to the cynical, loveless, ignorantly blissful girl from before.
I'll never not believe in love again.
I'll never be content all alone again.
For the first time in my life,
I'm terrified of being left alone.
           I
        Need
         You.
Please, never leave make me be alone again?
I don't want to be alone...

Stomach in,
Shoulders back,
Chin up,
Big smile.

Just a few more pounds,
2, no 10, no 20!
Just a few more pounds to go.

Tighten the laces,
Stand upright,
Smile real big,
Now nobody knows.

100 calories, can't eat that.
No chocolate, no candy.
Nope, nope, too fat.

Don't look in that mirror,
You'll see you're huge.
Don't break the facade.
Don't let them see.

Just a little bit longer,
Just a bit less food.
Soon, I'll be beautiful.
Soon I'll be loved.

Just
A
Few
More
Pounds.

Rows of perfect flowers fill their pots,
loving arranged by a flawless florist.
They, the lilies and gardenia and daisies
have no place for dandelions like me,
with my roots that spread and corrupt.
In perfect lines they stand, my dear ones,
colors that light up, showing them off,
and, angry at
      (jealous of)
their beauty,
        I destroy.