i
don't wanna tell you i love you anymore.

it goes
through one ear out the other.

i never
wanna tell you
because
you've heard it
so many times
and each time
love
meant nothing to you

i want you
to always
feel
how i feel
but i
can't make you love me

does love
make you afraid?

clearly,
it does
because
you constantly have
to lie to me
and try to
manipulate me

im so sick
of these ******* words
going through my head
the same
buzzwords

i really, really do
but i might as well be telling you
that brick walls are red,
grass is green,
and the sky is blue.

everyday, i'm getting older
i feel less alive
and the days are getting colder
even in the summertime
ghosts upon my shoulder
i can't hear what they say
i have so much potential
i feel nothing but pain

nothing matters now
my world is upside down
i just want to give up
i'm already know i'm ******

pushing through it all
what's even the point?
it's a long tunnel
and nothing's at the end
nothing but death
take away my breath
because i barely breathe
i'm just a waste

all i want
is a release
the after life
a little taste

I don't even know what to call this. It's like a story. I believe I'm copying the writing style of Abby Geni. Maybe she aligns with my mind. Maybe she understands. I don't know.

All I can think about is how you treat me versus what you say you want with me. It just makes me feel too confused. I'm usually imagining you driving over to Philly and us talking in the car. Me smiling at you, or having a straight face. Or maybe both, depending on my mood. Sometimes I'm *****. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm angry. You'd easily be able to see my slight change in personality, in emotion, mood swings.

I need to workout before it its 1.

I am an open book with you. I can never remember a time I ever lied to you. I don't like lying. I want to be authentic and be myself. All I can wonder is just: Why? Just ******* why? Why do you keep trying to have *** with me and then call me your friend? I thought about it in the bathroom. I think that you like me as a friend but have a problem controlling your ****** impulses around me. Cause I "turn you on." But even your friendship is a problem. Is being racist, making hateful comments about my religion, and constantly nitpicking my intelligence and making me feel like **** what you call a "friend?" I don't get what's wrong with you.

The more I explore life in my little way, and grow curious about things, the more I see the truth about you. But it's also easy for me to get swept up in the grand delusion I ******* have. Being "so in love!" with you. Why?

I went on and on and on about why, for so long. Is this another part of you that I love? That you're a racist *******? Who can't control himself?

My thoughts and memories and disfragmented. Whatever the ******* word is.

I was disappointed when you first showed me your face. I can't remember much but the awkward smile.

That little curve, bent. Like it was forced. Something uncanny. Like an AI staring himself in the mirror. Facade, deceiving himself to think he's some sort of king. A ******* clown.

And that shirtless pic you went around showing everyone like a ****. And of course you had to cheat on me. But for some reason I don't care about that. Because you told me about that so late. Like, 2 years after.

You'e so hard to understand. I'm just tearing up right now. I'll never be the same after everything you did to me. I constantly feel like I can't ******* scream. I can't ******* get angry. I'm getting choked up.

I'm tearing up because I'm also disillusioned. Because I keep being in love with a fantasy. Because it constantly plays inside my head, over and over again.

I walk around life flat-faced, and emotionless. Hiding my painful everyday routine. No ***. No dating. It's killing me, but it's alright. I'll just study and work all day. Holding back the tsunami of pain and emotions that threatens to take over me. A defining mark of a borderline personality. Maybe I should delete my account. Start a new one. I've had so many.

Everything's just going through my head. But especially the thought... the thought of us meeting for real. I would be happy. Would I be happy? Excited.. but would that switch to sadness, knowing the disgusting ******* thing you really are? Or would I lash out, and switch to anger? Would I scream at you? Like I desperately want to?

The way you make me feel is so crazy. So confused. So lost. Normal people look at me like I'm ******* crazy. "Just move on."
"Just let it go."
I don't want anyone else

Every person I'm attracted to you somehow has to have some characteristic of you. They have to look like you. Have the same skin tone as you. Intellect like you. Attractive like you. My ****** desire is for no one but you. The people I attract are even just you. I can't escape from you in my life. You are everywhere. You are everything.

You are the only thing I love. Destabilizing me, making me crazy, ruining my life. All of this other **** is worthless. You are the only one I love.

I guess I do love you and your flaws. Maybe I love the fact that you don't love me. Maybe I love the chaos and drama. Maybe I love hanging by a thread. Maybe I love constantly being depressed everyday because of my internal hell.

I can just imagine you ******* with me again. Trying to have *** with me. Buying me risque things. All you make me feel like is an object. You make me feel like you can't ever see me as a person. You can't ever love me. You just want to always use me. You make me cry. You make me feel tired. Of the same **** over and over again. You live in my head.

her soft features
and gentle voice
make my blood
turn to
a gentle simmer.

all i see
is her
through his eyes

he wants her,
desires her,
prefers her,
he neglects me.

he cherishes her,
nurtures her,
loves her,
but neglects me.

he invests in her,
holds her gently,
takes care of her,
and neglects me.

because all i am
is his second choice.

just something
to go back to
when what he really wants
isn't there.

in the most
pristine of moments
i look over my shoulder
in a giant ocean
hoping to see
your gleaming pale face
smile at me

and kiss me
im clearly
not the one you want
and you're
put too high
on a pedestal
in my mind

you kind of
disgust me
or rather
i disgust myself
knowing i know
i let the ugliest
most insecure men
get into my heart
and see parts of me
i dared to show no one.

and even came close
to letting them inside me
just to take advantage
of the fact
that i want to be loved.

Four years ago, I died
I've lived my life a lie
I felt inside my heart
an ever-loving guide
I prayed, and prayed for love
while looking up above
tears rolling down my eyes
I closed them as I cried
I begged and begged,
and when I lay my head to rest,
I wondered why
I was treated so much less
I kept looking up to the sky
a hole with emptiness
and I had no one else to rely,
and with nothing to hide
with my heart, I confessed. . .
you could say that I'm blessed
with all that I've lost
I've gained so much wisdom
but at what cost?
I don't think that it's worth it
I don't think that I'm happy
I understand my purpose;
I don't accept it gladly.
I've lost my religion
it wasn't my decision
after all, I guess I don't always
value the truth.
but I've been through
so much pain
to me, it is all in vain,
what was sacrificed
of my youth.

you wanna be the king of hell?
well, feel free to rule my world
because i'm in hell every single ******* day.

i must be a satanist then
because you are god
and I've spent the rest of my life trying to replace you

crickets
blood drippin'
hand grips
heavy epuipment

cause' i hit that blow
and he takes the fall
and i feel so slick
treading down the hall
i just take my pick
of all you sheep
it was written on the wall
while you were all asleep

i know him
i follow him
i haunt him
i want him

i am him
but i'm not him
i feel him
and i've got him

cause' it feels so good
when im in his mind
my villianous prescense
has him hypnotized
baby, I'm not your slave
so just save it
i don't know if this is man made,
but i'm a sadist
and no ones comin' to save you
pray to the god who made you

cause' it feels so good
cause' i hit that blow
and he takes the fall
and i feel so sick
treading down the hall
i just take my pick
of all you sheep
it was written on the wall
while you were all asleep

during this moment,
during this time
i feel hopeless,
but i cant cry

all im waiting
on is time
ive been waiting
all this time

for the saving,
im craving
restoration
of my *** drive

exploration
so i can thrive
in the saving
of my life

and caving
of the crime

for the saving,
im craving
restoration
of my *** drive

and blaming
anti-aging
young,
and forever alive
all i
ever
wanna do
is live and thrive

for the saving,
im craving
restoration
of my *** drive

for me,
things are getting real low,
things are getting real low
i bleed
and i'm going real slow,
and i'm going real slow

it's strange
i randomly pictured your face,
your hair, your eyes, your waist
and then hid a little story i made

my feelings grew
as i made it public
i took it back
it can't be published

every time i go
you aren't around
need you to hold
me safe and sound

i just need to see you
i lost faith in my ex,
and i'm never having ***
my mind is too complex

i just need to see you
it's a false kind of love
i don't know how i feel,
don't know how to deal with girls

am i romanticizing cause of the trauma?
no, it's real, it's really really real
my mind denies it
all the attention

my ego likes it
but i hate it
acting like
i really do

want you to be my girlfriend
it's like
true and false
only when i'm far away

but when i write little notes
in the books that i give
and you do a mousey stare
the memories feel

as if im falling in love
although it wasnt there
bought to the surface
now with different eyes

on me
different eyes on me
i don't know, ****,
all i know

is that
i need
somebody
and these things
are
appearing to me

for me,
things are getting real low,
things are getting real low

i bleed
and i'm going real slow,
and i'm going real slow

i need
to see you now though
to see you now though

sometimes
i
dont feel
like
hiding
at
all

sometimes
i
like medi
tating
but
i
still
fall

back into bliss,
back into eclipse,
something in the air
puts me down

i get surround
when i get around
apocalypse is here
this is how it feels

empty
something
bad days
good nights
empty
and tight
bored days
good nights

sometimes
sometimes
bad days
good night
sometime
sometime
bad day
good night

i did message you
but you took so long to respond
i am too afraid..

after four years
to risk you hurting me...

its not only you
whose afraid of being hated.

rejected
i am afraid
you hate me too

or something like that.

I'm in my little corner
looking at your shadow
holding a red balloon
and standing perfectly still

In my little corner
looking out the window
waiting like a spider
waiting right at the window sill

I, won't bite too deep
I, won't bite too hard
I'll just rip your head off,
I'll just tear you apart

I'll just corrode your mind
I'll just break your heart,
I'll just your rip your head off
I'll just tear you apart

It's a mirror,
it's a reflection,
it's karma,
it's gone

your eyes and
your body
they glimmer
they've shone

shown theirselves
in my peripheal vision
I feel it
it's real

your humor
your pale lips
on my stomach
I feel it

Oh, oh, I, won't bite too deep
Oh, oh, I, won't bite too hard
I'll just rip your head off,
I'll just tear you apart

I wanna sink and swim
in you like a painting
of a japenese ocean
I wanna rock and grind with you,
******* in ****** motions
I wanna drown and sway with you
like tall cat tail grasses
I want my tongue in your mouth,
it'll taste like molsasses
and we'll go slow like molasses,
and we can see whose the fastest,
who the last is, who lasts the longest
whose the weakest, whose the strongest
who will be first to forgive?

And I, won't bite too deep
I, won't bite too hard
I'll just rip your head off,
I'll just tear you apart

I'll just corrode your mind
I'll just break your heart,
I'll just your rip your head off
I'll just tear you apart

When I am studying something,
anything,
it feels quite blissful

I doze out
in beautiful fantasies
as if
my crazy mind
has been calmed
and I can finally relax.

Never doing the work,
just loving the idea of it.

Not actually completing the task in reality.

So I can now earn the right to forever dream

Nows the time
To seek me out
If youre thinking about it
Come see me now
Your name, I shout
Inside my head
Heres the green light
Just go ahead.

falling backwards
off a cliff
into time
i do drift
my eyes hurt
it's an eclipse
of my whole life
dust into mist
i just wish
i didn't exist
i just wish
i had my wish
i just wish
you cared a little bit
about my tears
about my pain

everything i want
oh how it slips
right off my hand
i've lost my grip
on my own voice
i do trip
i never speak up
i admit

in my heart
i feel a pit
at my past
i feel stupid
all i do
is cry
i cry for
all my life
i cry alone
the sobs echo
i feel the pain
i feel the fear
every day
every year

time flies by
like a bee
i grow tall
like a tree
i will fall
i will go
i will die
feeling lost

just tell me what i mean to you

why do ***** thoughts
of me ******* you
randomly take over my mind?

i made a song about you
i wish you were to listen

i can't believe that i was so desperate.

What did I do for my life to be destroyed like this?
What did I do to deserve this?

from pagan origins,
to new found love,
a pigeon flies down,
or is it a dove?

my heart's desire
is bright and red
just as those
that have bled

i wish to leave you
a little note
so that you may ponder
on what i wrote:

as spring unblossoms,
new hearts unfold
like origami
out of my chest
i just want
you to know
that out of everyone
i love you best
although i think
that you are vile,
and that my love
is childish,
in my dreams
and imaginations,
my desire for you
is wildest.

with that being said,
sealed with a kiss,
i hope this letter,
finds you well,
and i pray to eros
and i truthfully tell you
that you are missed
and i hope
inside your heart
it does swell

inside your heart,
like inside mine,
i hope you feel
my love of thine
i ask of this
with a hope
of every kind;

will you be
my valentine?

all i see
in the mirror
is a little *****
and all i feel
is sadness

in my mind
in my head
it means i'm safe
it means i'm sound
it means i'm complete
it means
i can be intimate
it means
you see me
it gives me energy
you're my everything
it means
you love me
you love my skin
you love my scarf
you are my safety
i am seen
you are my joy
you are my light
you are my comfort
you are my happiness
like i'm a little normal
like i'm allowed to be a person
i'm allowed to exist
you are my partner
you are my everything
that's what it means
when you say you love me

What I know
is an illusion
what I know
is an ideal.

What I know
is a liar
what I know
gains less appeal.

Who I know
is my enemy
who I know
faces defeat.

Who I know
I can not feel
Who I know
can not speak.

Tell me
who are you really?

What are you,
other than a liar,
a manipulator,
a useless freak?

A demon hiding
beneath the sheets.

A mild narcissist with the quill,
whose words are dull, and intend to ****.
A fragile ego full of woe,
insecure, tipping on it's toe,
a shadow person, hiding behind a mask,
a slave to it's selfish task.

A murderer, but a coward at heart,
who can not finish what he starts.
A little prince, who imagines himself a king,
yet can not afford a single ring.
A maniac who needs to steal,
a psychotic who can not
differentiate the fake from real.

A suicidal who still manages to live
he always takes, but can not give.
He works his body to pain and ache,
and sees the world as his cake.
He's as weak as a man could be,
but fantasies is all he can see
in fact, fantasy is all he reads,
he rarely ever does a good deed

a hypocrite who always lies
when one acts like him,
he's quick to despise
he's lustful, full of sin, and hungry eyes,
and for these sins, he stupidly takes pride
if you know you're rotten to this earth,
then tell me, why does it so hurt?
when I tell you to commit suicide
you are nothing but filth and dirt.

Attention deficit in his brain,
and only causes others pain
he blames on things years ago
that no one hears and no one knows.

And even if life isn't fair,
that doesn't mean that I do care,
for you made my life hard to live
there's nothing about you that's positive

I gave you a love so sweet
you sacrificed it for flesh and meat
with trickery, lies, and deceit,
you left my heart bent
like a metal sheet.

unless you wash your ***** heart,
and learn to love and express your art,
maybe then, just maybe I can start,
to know who you truly are at heart.

i did nothing wrong
i was too young after all
i just fell asleep
under your underlying spell

you made my life hell
you are so extremely hot
you seem picture perfect
and i simply, am just not.

do you ever forget?
i just live in my head
you said you cant hate me,
could you love me instead?

more than a friend,
but what is a friend,
if you constantly lie to them
fake an apology, and lie again.

lie, lie, lie again
here i cry, and lie again.

you,
you are everything i could ever want
my worst nightmare, shining like a gem
oh how i have grown so numb,
i just might let you use me again.

but don't,
no don't get mad if i destroy you again-

lie, lie, lie again
here i cry, and lie again.