The pain drives me.
The anger drives me.
You tell me not to be superficial,
when throughout my whole life,
I was weak.

Through my whole life,
I was abused.

Through my whole life,
men took advantage of me.

And now,
nothing is left
but pieces
and regret
and so much
frustration

no one is telling me what to do.

You think you know me
but you don't.

Why am I the way that I am?
Because history made me that way.

out of anger,
out of rage
split the skin
in my thigh
the cut will represent the pain
that i can't bear to keep inside.

I'm just a cell in this big *** thing.

Everyone finds their one and only,
and in the end, they will be happy.

I've realized that
you aren't the one
oh, what a monster
I've become
I was so obsessed
and so hell-bent
instead of finding
someone else
I will find
true love
somewhere close,
somewhere near,
and I will
let you go
and fall into the arms
of whoever will hold me
closely

I'm moving on and moving far
you've already shown me who you are
I'm moving on and moving fast
like a star in the night
nothing with you will last
now I've realized you're in the past
so let me go and let me be free
I don't need you, and you don't need me

Our love was nothing but a waste
and I'm addicted to your taste
but I want something much more
don't want to be your ***** *****
I want love and I want peace
someone to be kind to me

You know,
I really do work really hard..
On my myself,
my mind,
my emotions,
the things I want in life

and no one gives me any credit for it.
It's an invisible war, an invisible battle, and invisible suffering.

And I cut myself no slack whatsoall.

Something inside me
has no voice
it claws, scratches, and screams
it fires up a rage inside of me
it is the screams
of my anger
and turmoil
fighting
the abuse
the power
I itch for
but can not
reach
the *******
frustrating feeling
I can not put
into ******* words

There is nothing I can do.
No revenge I can get.
I am filled with anger, and hatred.
And now, as I feel it pulsing throughout me,
I realize that my ability to hold grudges is a curse.

As I enter prayer,
soft mandalas take over my vision.
I am in another world with my lord,
as he showers me with etheric hugs and kisses.

Oh my Love!
How I wish you could touch me physically.
How I wish my mortal body would dissipate into thin air,
and the boundaries between us would be blurred.

Oh God!
How I pity myself and feel remorse,
when thy prayer ends, and I lose you again,
busying myself back to studying and work,
waiting until the time to pray comes again,
until the period of which we can reconnect once more,
and I can reimburse myself and banquet inside your sweet love.
447

If you ever asked me why I love you,
here are the reasons why
I love the way you use your words
I like how intelligent you are
and even if your attitude annoys me,
I find it attractive that you're so stubborn
I like the way you never really show too much joy or happiness
but when you do, it's very cute
you're so open, yet mysterious
and we've grown so close
and physically, well...
I think your body says enough
and your face is cute and round,
and your smile is soft and awkward
and your eyes are two beautiful brown gems
your style is unique and appealing,
your love is deep and everlasting
it will forever leave it's mark on me.

I loved the way that
when we were together
I got to see another part of you
I love the way
you wrote to me erotically,
it was so poetic and intense
you are a poet, after all
and even if it was a lie,
it was a lie said so elegantly,
that it softened my little heart
it was a lie so great,
that when you snatched away
all the love you had
all that was left of me
was tears.

And 5 years it left me broken,
and maybe I'm so attached to you,
because I would never be loved like that
by anyone
ever again.

I would never be loved like that
by you
and now
I am forever mourning
everything we had.

And the way you are funny,
without intending to be,
the way you teach me,
certain things about life
the way you sometimes
express your care for me
there for me
when I needed you
listened to
everything I said.

So if you ever asked
why I loved you,
this is why.

And loving you is the most painful thing I've ever done.

It's as if
God dipped me
in hell
for five years
just to taste
what it was like
to be used,
helpless,
taken advantage of,
and religousless.

I am
kintsugi
I am
broken
but molded
by the golden glue
of my will
and my soul.

Five fingers,
five toes,
five senses.

Five.
555

5 years.
that's how long
it took me
to heal
from everything you've done.

What I know
is an illusion
what I know
is an ideal.

What I know
is a liar
what I know
gains less appeal.

Who I know
is my enemy
who I know
faces defeat.

Who I know
I can not feel
Who I know
can not speak.

Tell me
who are you really?

What are you,
other than a liar,
a manipulator,
a useless freak?

A demon hiding
beneath the sheets.

A mild narcissist with the quill,
whose words are dull, and intend to ****.
A fragile ego full of woe,
insecure, tipping on it's toe,
a shadow person, hiding behind a mask,
a slave to it's selfish task.

A murderer, but a coward at heart,
who can not finish what he starts.
A little prince, who imagines himself a king,
yet can not afford a single ring.
A maniac who needs to steal,
a psychotic who can not
differentiate the fake from real.

A suicidal who still manages to live
he always takes, but can not give.
He works his body to pain and ache,
and sees the world as his cake.
He's as weak as a man could be,
but fantasies is all he can see
in fact, fantasy is all he reads,
he rarely ever does a good deed

a hypocrite who always lies
when one acts like him,
he's quick to despise
he's lustful, full of sin, and hungry eyes,
and for these sins, he stupidly takes pride
if you know you're rotten to this earth,
then tell me, why does it so hurt?
when I tell you to commit suicide
you are nothing but filth and dirt.

Attention deficit in his brain,
and only causes others pain
he blames on things years ago
that no one hears and no one knows.

And even if life isn't fair,
that doesn't mean that I do care,
for you made my life hard to live
there's nothing about you that's positive

I gave you a love so sweet
you sacrificed it for flesh and meat
with trickery, lies, and deceit,
you left my heart bent
like a metal sheet.

unless you wash your ***** heart,
and learn to love and express your art,
maybe then, just maybe I can start,
to know who you truly are at heart.

From the moment
we both intertwined
forever connected,
if only
you were filled
with something
slightly bigger
than a demiurge,
we could've conquered the world.

You would go
without
everything you loved
and everything you've grown attached to
just for me.

You'd travel
for me
spend for me
live for me,
die for me,
have joy for me,
breathe for me,
protect me,
and understand me
as someone
something,
you'd never let go.

You'd look upon me
as the goddess that I am
and fall to your knees
in tears
of how beautiful
and joyful
I am.

Your mortal eyes
would see
beyond the illusion
and know
that I am your everything.

If you loved me
like I loved you
we would both
be complete.

her soft features
and gentle voice
make my blood
turn to
a gentle simmer.

all i see
is her
through his eyes

he wants her,
desires her,
prefers her,
he neglects me.

he cherishes her,
nurtures her,
loves her,
but neglects me.

he invests in her,
holds her gently,
takes care of her,
and neglects me.

because all i am
is his second choice.

just something
to go back to
when what he really wants
isn't there.

I turn my head,
expecting grace
by the look
upon your face
your eyes deep brown,
your aura blue,
I love your complexion,
I love your hue

I look, with modesty,
I look, so shy,
inside the pupil
of thine naked eye
I look, so lovingly,
I look so deep,
inside the heart
of my beloved.

I reach out, to touch,
I reach out, for a kiss,
but stare into my beloved
before the touching, of our lips,
you gently caress me,
your softness, so mild,
I turn into cotton
from the wild.

You make my heart soft
when it feels austere
with your gentle touch
and skin so fair
I caress your sides,
and touch your hair,
my one and only beloved,
is always there.

visions of grandeur,
fill my mind with delight
the walls are high
and the colors are bright

my toes are pointed,
and i feel tall,
the pressures are high,
but i don't fall

i spin with grace,
i chase my dreams
life is a marathon
and i have no team

i take little steps
that lead to the sprint
i have no direction
but my mind gives me a hint

everything i want
the power and glory
i walk towards it
and feel inside me a fury

a desire so strong
to be the best
to cause shame and remorse
to all the rest

i crave power
it fills my chest
i crave excellence
it fills my head

i crave learning
until i'm dead
i crave status
i crave greatness

every action a drop of water
into an ocean of vibration
i want to feel a sweet release like
soft steam floating
out of the chambers of my heart
i am aligned with the universe

linear, horizontal, a rule
whether i am bless or if i'm cursed,
i am connected nonetheless

like a little red geometric thread,
the world has bled like i have bled
and i caress the hand that feeds,
so i am cared for, and i am fed
and i bleed just like she bleeds
mother earth and all her breeds

bright red bouncing ball
falling into topics
i'm a photographer in my mind
with no knowledge of optics
i'm trying to capture
an oasis that is fake
but the desert pharaoh
misplaces it by mistake

i want you
to know who i am
i want you
to see my dripping colors
the melted rainbow inside me
i want you
to see my ugly red raw rage
my beautiful deep
blue love
my green forgiveness
and sympathy
my purple
rational thinking
my logic
feel my point of view
like a prism
and i want you
to hear my voice
when i sing
i want you to
listen to my songs
and i want
your real
opinion.

all i want is
to listen to music with you.

mom touched me
and smelled me
and told me
i was fat

she's so weird
pervasive
i keep my face
flat

i cried and cried
my face wet with tears
they leaked into my pillow
and dripped into my ears

"Oh why oh why
does she treat me this way?"
"Oh what oh what
could be wrong with me?"

whats wrong with my body
why is my tummy so large
before i started bleeding
my ******* started to barge

she looked at me delicously
and groped my thighs
she said i was ****
and attracted all the guys

i was joyful and full of misery
i was always so depressed
and i looked up to the ceiling
god knows what i confessed

i prayed and prayed for love
the epitomy of life
and he gave me the greatest gift
of a double edged knife

my brother used to bully me
and slide notes under my door
said i was a fat hippo
and dressed like a *****

i was so numb and empty
i couldn't even draw
and art turned to loose strings
lines were all that i saw

i didn't have an outlet
she read my diary out loud
i've been shattered so many times
there's nothing left now

anything lower than an A
she snobbered and mocked
i only got an F once
and she acted so shocked

i don't care much about my dad
we just can't connect
he cares too much about heaven
and thinks i'm perfect

i lie to him and say i prayed
when i haven't for years
because god abandoned me
to rot in my fears

i prayed and prayed for love
the epitomy of life
and he gave me the greatest gift
of a double edged knife

i wrote poems about her
all the pain she caused in my life
and while looking along
someone caught my eye

an older boy
with poetry so neat
his soul was dark
but his heart was sweet

with naivety i called him my 'friend'
i was so in love,
i never wanted it to end
in my fantasies he was my bride to be
he made butterflies inside of me

he made me wet and made me hot
he was everything that i was not
he was my hero, he wore a cape
and from my sad life, i would escape

one day when hormones started to rage,
he became an actor on a stage
and told me that he felt it too
i felt elated at "i love you"

but then he started to get bored
didn't want to ******* no more
so then he cut me out his life
not just once but a hundred times

he used me once, he used me twice
he thought the pictures were so nice
"we weren't real, you're behind a screen"
"but did you forget that i was fourteen?"

the pain aches, and i started to decay
of course i prayed the pain away
i felt ashame and i felt betrayed
by the lord from whom i was made

it felt wrong, i felt disturbed
that how could god ever have the nerve
to punish me for my 'sins'
and tell me this is what i deserve?

a bad childhood and a broken heart
the grief weighed on me, concrete, hard
nothing would be better than death
i laid still and held my breath

i couldn't move, and i couldn't eat
i couldn't shower and couldn't sleep
and the school work piled up so high
that my grades fell down from the sky

they hit the ground so hard and low
that's all my mother loved me for
was that i was smart, a golden child
that made her look like a good parent

it was apparent
she gave a **** about nothing else
but my A's and one hundreds
i was always one of the unwanteds

the depression made me move so slow
i kept crawling back to him
i had nowhere else to go
he robbed me blindly, my life was stole

all he wants is my hole
he makes me want to **** myself
he loves himself and no one else
and then calls himself the king of hell

i'd just say you're a prince
but you have yourself pretty convinced
i could never send you to prison
there's just not enough evidence

but of course i bluffed, i felt real tough
my words intended to cut
butter melted off the shelf
i harm you better than you do yourself

clean, decisive strokes
left you in a choke
i told you i'd destroy you *****
that **** was not a joke

and since i'm such a joke,
why am i the one laughing now?
cry your tears and build a boat
and sail and sink inside my gloat

my stupid family
my stupid ex
my stupid life
my stupid ***

i was so afraid with ptsd
the migrains troubled me
the pain throbbed inside my head
i ****** in all the dread

but all the cycles would repeat
men like him kept using me
until i felt nothing inside
i was dissociated, so dissociated

because when you cut me off
i realized i was just a doll
i was only meant to **** you off
and my own soul, i cut it off

and now i float outside myself
i wish that i could go back in
i wish i could be a little kid
and reverse everything you did

after years of being abused
the memories haunt me these days
i cry to myself all alone
my head filled with voices

i regret my choices
i'm tired of being exploited
and i can't be happy
and i feel so lonely

break the floorboards
and sink into
the salty deep
abyss

let the mouth of the earth
swallow you whole
you will learn
from the sink hole

lean into it
when it hurts
feel into it
when it burns

fall into it
when it shocks
let it come through
as you rock

lean into the misery
sink into the tears
grow into the gray
grind with the gears

get mashed
get trashed
and just bathe
you're a slave

to your perfection
natural selection
you crave
to lean into it

i love when my life feels like i just snorted 60 mg of crack
and all the stress is lifted off my back
like pushing off a giant piece
of a 70 foot story high apartment

my brain bursts bubbles
in my ears they go 'pop'
and the colors feel more vibrant
i want none of it to stop

but the high only lasts 5 minutes
until the trigger is set
then the bullet hits my head
and soon i start to forget

i go back to sorrow
bleeding into the morrow
digging into the marrow
buried into a burrow

being shot with an arrow
when the highs turn to lows
it's like the death of a pharoah
and i'm deaf to the metal

i fall soft like a petal
and now they're pushing the pedal
instead of the breaks
when the highs turn to lows
i crash myself awake

i'm slowly figuring out
in the ****** puzzle of life
that taking my own
isn't worth it all

the story unfolds
and the ugliness spreads
like a cancer, a mold
leaves side characters dead

and now that i'm alone
i've started to grow thorns
i'm a mutilated rose
filled with envy and scorn

i'm healing all alone
i'm a ******* med
i'm taking my pills
and eating my bread

in gematria i'm jesus
in my mosque i'm a ghost
in your head i'm a parasite
in my mind you're a hoax

we're two sides of the same coin
good and evil are exploitative
don't judge the nature
don't try to destroy it

i can draw your name in the bathroom
and **** on it in the stall
i can rise like a tide
like a tsunami i can fall

i **** on your parade
and still taste like lemonade
and fight my own battles
and heal my own wounds

my mentally illness after all
is only in my room
i can destroy the world
if i wanted to

My stage stands strong in my head
my sorrow song sings in the noon
my beautiful mate is soon to swoon
we kiss underneath a full moon
i can't wait till i'm rich
i can't wait for the fame
i can't wait to make something out of nothing
and rub it in their face
i can't wait to show off
i can't wait to have it all
i can't wait to wreak havoc and make the whole world fall
at my knees
and the birds
and the bees
will sing all for me
i'm the queen
of the ring

Miserable

I don't want to see
the way you ignore me
after you use me
after I pass your thoughts
like I'm not alive
like I'm nothing
I want you
to delete
everything you wrote
I want you
to write poems of misery
of how guilty you feel
and even in those feelings
you're still
a selfish ***
*****.

doubts and worries disappear
like fog blown by wind
but they come back again
the tides are changing fast,
now I wonder,
how long will this mood last?
don't know when,
don't know how
it will ever end
my dear reverend
can you tell me the answers?
i see crosses in the sky
god hides from me and
i don't know why
my dear revenant
coming to haunt me again
i guess he wants me again
is life going as planned?
i'll get out of here
i'll write better poetry
maybe when my mind is clear
maybe when the end is near

they appear
like giant black specs
in the corner of my eyes
peeking behind doors
hiding under beds
they are our fear
we do not feel
they are the pain
we shove, hide,
and push away
they are the black holes
in our minds

crickets
blood drippin'
hand grips
heavy epuipment

cause' i hit that blow
and he takes the fall
and i feel so slick
treading down the hall
i just take my pick
of all you sheep
it was written on the wall
while you were all asleep

i know him
i follow him
i haunt him
i want him

i am him
but i'm not him
i feel him
and i've got him

cause' it feels so good
when im in his mind
my villianous prescense
has him hypnotized
baby, I'm not your slave
so just save it
i don't know if this is man made,
but i'm a sadist
and no ones comin' to save me
pray to the god who made you

cause' it feels so good
cause' i hit that blow
and he takes the fall
and i feel so sick
treading down the hall
i just take my pick
of all you sheep
it was written on the wall
while you were all asleep

Nows the time
To seek me out
If youre thinking about it
Come see me now
Your name, I shout
Inside my head
Heres the green light
Just go ahead.

My love
Please come back to me
I miss the snickering,
And the bickering
And the times you made me mad

But I remember the lying,
And the crying,
And the times you made me sad

But oh how I miss the good days,
The average days,
No they weren't so bad.
And yes, I am truly mad.

Because I still love you
And adore you
Like the time never passed.

I can't leave the past in the past,
Oh, please just come back.

simple
a story told time and time again
a classic
a repetitive renaissance
of the same old thing
i'd like to break the boundary if this box.

killing it like a guillotine.
which is not contemporary at all

Four years ago, I died
I've lived my life a lie
I felt inside my heart
an ever-loving guide
I prayed, and prayed for love
while looking up above
tears rolling down my eyes
I closed them as I cried
I begged and begged,
and when I lay my head to rest,
I wondered why
I was treated so much less
I kept looking up to the sky
a hole with emptiness
and I had no one else to rely,
and with nothing to hide
with my heart, I confessed. . .
you could say that I'm blessed
with all that I've lost
I've gained so much wisdom
but at what cost?
I don't think that it's worth it
I don't think that I'm happy
I understand my purpose;
I don't accept it gladly.
I've lost my religion
it wasn't my decision
after all, I guess I don't always
value the truth.
but I've been through
so much pain
to me, it is all in vain,
what was sacrificed
of my youth.

My soul heavy, chasing material desires
Frustrated by the iron chains that hold me down
Heavy on me,
sinking me
into hot
scorching
magma.

As I try to become more and more God-like,
I get filled with more emptiness
more nothingness
I cremate
into ashes
and scatter across the void

I feel the horror
and anger
and fear
and whatever it is
and an inability to understand.

I feel paranoid
and confused
and just wished it was all clear

I feel stupid

And I'm sorry.

Out and about
random memories pop in my head
I just wander, feeling defeated

Trying to relax
sometimes I become distracted
by misty thoughts, thick like clouds

I become proud as my mind becomes silent
And walk away

Feeling the comfort and security
That nobody's thinking about me