I have not talked to you in four years. Sometimes I wonder if you're dead or not. Some moments I miss you a lot. As I grow into who I am, I think more about what we are. The longer you are gone, the more I realize how unique and different you are. Or maybe you just brainwashed me so badly that I can't see other people for themselves. I only look for you.

I wonder what you're doing or thinking right now. You just disappeared from earth. I want to have someone fill in for you so badly. To cure my aching desire.

Why does everything I love have to get lost?

There are some people, who I will never meet anyone like them. But they don't give a **** about me. But I can't forget them. I can't have anything I love. It never stays.

I can't have anyone I love. They never stay.

for me,
things are getting real low,
things are getting real low
i bleed
and i'm going real slow,
and i'm going real slow

it's strange
i randomly pictured your face,
your hair, your eyes, your waist
and then hid a little story i made

my feelings grew
as i made it public
i took it back
it can't be published

every time i go
you aren't around
need you to hold
me safe and sound

i just need to see you
i lost faith in my ex,
and i'm never having ***
my mind is too complex

i just need to see you
it's a false kind of love
i don't know how i feel,
don't know how to deal with girls

am i romanticizing cause of the trauma?
no, it's real, it's really really real
my mind denies it
all the attention

my ego likes it
but i hate it
acting like
i really do

want you to be my girlfriend
it's like
true and false
only when i'm far away

but when i write little notes
in the books that i give
and you do a mousey stare
the memories feel

as if im falling in love
although it wasnt there
bought to the surface
now with different eyes

on me
different eyes on me
i don't know, ****,
all i know

is that
i need
somebody
and these things
are
appearing to me

for me,
things are getting real low,
things are getting real low

i bleed
and i'm going real slow,
and i'm going real slow

i need
to see you now though
to see you now though

i am constantly searching
for a connection
just anyone,
similar to him
a bunch of replicas
i attract
and attach to.

never the real thing.

i am constantly
just always
searching for my mother
replacing her with men
in hopes
that they will love me
and nurture me
like a woman will

i want my ex
i like his skin
and his hair
and his face
and his body

i listened to his voice
replayed over and over again
i love everything about him
the good, the bad
the ugly..

just a taste of him
from any man
is addicting
i'd do anything
to fill the space
he left inside of me

there's something magical
about a resemblance
he makes me feel
a spark of life
in a sea of darkness
like a bright star
in outer space

he drives me insane
and now
everything i say
is feeling a bit fake. . .

Something inside me is there, but can not speak. It feels weird when I smile.

I can't laugh. I can't express my anger.

When someone is making me uncomfortable, sexually harassing me with their eyes, I can't not react. I can not open up to other people. I can not speak when angry. I can not express my frustration. I can not show shame or embarrassment. I can not cry. I can not tell anyone what happens in my life. The bad thoughts and memories pull me and weigh me down.

Maybe I should try to speak. Even if it doesn't feel right. Even if I explode with anger.

I think I am de-compensating

When I am studying something,
anything,
it feels quite blissful

I doze out
in beautiful fantasies
as if
my crazy mind
has been calmed
and I can finally relax.

Never doing the work,
just loving the idea of it.

Not actually completing the task in reality.

So I can now earn the right to forever dream

I slept. I woke up feeling like a hundred bricks just fell on me, and I was lying on a cold street. Then waking up in the E. R. I feel a bit lighter.

I am angry at him, but also angry at all of those who came along. When you have so many abusers, it's kind of difficult to find who to shift the blame on. I already destroyed the first one. I don't know how I'm going to get the others. Sometimes I feel hopeless. The world is ******. People get away with **** like this.

By "people" I mean men. I just use people cause it's easier.

I'm tired of deep diving into my trauma. I am encountering it. I am deeply traumatized by him using me, and being used by other people. Of course, it kept on happening over and over again. It is terrifying. I am constantly fighting it inside my head. I'm begging him no. I'm telling them all no. I am so afraid and hyper-vigilant. It is a unique trauma. All my trauma is unique. That's why I'm my own therapist. I don't need no random ***** to hear all of my sensitive, private thoughts and then put me on some drug.

I was always so afraid of him. It's like he planted his self into my head. Watching me, shaming the things I did, judging me, stalking me. But I still did it at 14. I fought back. Even though my fingers were shaking on the keyboard cause this older boy had so much power over me. I forgot how terrifying everything was. My life has constantly just been non-stop suffering.

And now I am a recluse. Hunched over her computer screen. Looking for comfort. Looking for something to make me feel safe. I should put on the PTSD asmr.

I used to have it. Migraines. Flashbacks. I had no idea what was going on with me. Trying to "wait until I'm legal" to have *** with me after abusing me and traumatizing me and giving me PTSD is kind of insane. There's some sort of insanity to all of this. You gain sanity when you talk about it. You gain sanity when you speak out. That's what I had back then. I wrote everything the **** out, with MY account that I created with MY name on it so I didn't have to hide.

This is who I am now.

I always craved power. I fantasize about being in control. I want it so desperately bad. But I feel my illusion crumbling down. I'm sick of people telling me I need to heal. I don't want to remember anything he did to me. I don't want to cry for hours and hours everyday. I don't want to revisit it. I don't want to have flashbacks. I wanna eat food and play games and be with my friends.

i just learned
the world is loveless
i just burned
away my heart.

know i now
men can't be trusted
i detached my soul
and tore it apart.

i am red,
from the inside out.
i am guts,
and i am gore.

i could show
you how i'm so twisted,
would you want to see?
I'm not too sure.

oh, i know
i walk a thin line
my pretty feet
have scars that are red

stupid wars
that i fought for
and nearly
ended up dead

i have died
deep on the inside
following a plan
that doesn't work

i have lead
a full-fledged army
into a pit
of lifeless dirt

i'm a psychopath
cause i died alone
and my instincts
are pure animal

even if it's self-sabotage,
i think that's just a mirage
these men simply massage
the beast within

you think you know who i am,
but that's just a grain of sand,
all the knowledge you have
is puny and thin

i'm an animal too
we all are

viral does not mean anything.
it's not the words my stupid soul bleeds
it's something relatable
that anyone could of said.

simple things can be profound,
i get it.

but why don't my sad love letters to my ex
or me slowly talking about ****** abuse
ever go viral?

just silly,
relatable things.

maybe if the pain
was so close to the surface
you wouldn't be able to hide it either.

i can't hide
the ****** creature inside me
it naturally
like any animal

wants to come out the ******* cage.

click-clack,
that's the sound my teeth
i grind up my gums when i sleep
my head aches, i imagine music
that bass beat hits my brain deep
the scenes in my head are ******
the pain from the past is muddy
i can't hear my heart, it's faint,
i think i might just be cold-blooded.

there's no difference, adult and child
something in me has had enough
i don't want to smile in public.
i don't really gotta act tough
everything i say is a fact
i ain't never really gotta ******' act

what's **** to me is skeleton and bone
i cry and think dark thoughts when i'm alone
i'm not heartless, but i'm sure as hell
that i can make my heart turn to stone.

i don't lie, i tell the truth
as blunt as a dull blade can be
my anger is wild and tame
but that's something people can't see
i want to explode but i can't
the pressure is constantly high

it's why i always think about blowing my lid off
but i never really did try.

I don't write poems. I write songs. And you're just going to have to ******* deal with it.

I just want them to stop gaslighting me.

I can't really tell if I'm a child or an adult. It's hard to tell. I still look the same as I did when I hit puberty. I hit puberty early. It's a strange turn on for people for some reason. I didn't really have a childhood. I can't remember life before puberty. I was probably happy. I kind of looked like my dad.

I didn't really get what was wrong with me. I think my mom was abusing me because she was jealous. Last time I was in therapy, 3 years ago, I almost cried telling the story. But I held all my tears back. Therapy was traumatic. But nobody cares. They all tell me to go. So I can be "fixed."

Nobody really gets how I feel. I've recently grown more reclusive. I don't think I've gotten sunlight for a few days. It's not like I never get it, so don't worry. I try to sit in the sun for at least a couple of hours everyday. I have to set the habit back. I like getting sunlight. It does make me happy.

Everybody always sexualized me, especially my mom. I remember a few lines, about how men would like me. Or how I'd never get married because I'm too "fat." Puberty made me "fat." My *** drive was so high. People are always disturbed at my childhood, when I tell them about it. Like it's something gross I shouldn't talk about. Teenage boys didn't seem to care though. Abused girls are "easy."

I couldn't be happy. I couldn't cry. I couldn't smile. My mom is a *****. But she "Seems so nice!" to everyone else. Now that I'm an adult, it's like nothing ever happened.

She never touched me. Or anything inappropriate like that. I feel like I'm saying something wrong for talking about it. If I could just keep my mouth shut. So that I don't upset anyone. So that they don't cringe at the words I'm righting. (writing*) Better yet, nobody would care. It'd just be another post in my life. Or maybe a signal for an abuser.

But now I don't care. I want to feel like everything that happened to me was not normal, regardless if someone reads it or not. I just want to be ok.

I don't think I'll ever grow up. Maybe once I leave this house. I'm trapped in a mental hell. Isolating myself from everyone. It's the same whether I'm inside or outside.

I'm all over the place. My future is uncertain. I just imagine things in my head.

But I don't imagine love anymore.

Love is dead and gone. The word kind of disgusts me. I am unlovable. It's ingrained in my soul. And I never want to hear the word again.

It's nothing but a trap.

I actually prefer to be child like. If I am, I feel safety. I don't want a therapist. I don't like that word. I am never going back. I want someone to hold me and kiss me. I think I want to be a kid again.

I wish somebody would understand me.

When I do stuff like this,

I think I am giving a (--------)
to the voice that is unheard.

Because something inside me

doesn't want to talk.


It's random,
but it works for me.

What did I do for my life to be destroyed like this?
What did I do to deserve this?

It's a little gift
it's a little shift
live and let live
I would never give
anyone the peace
after all the grief
all I really need
is a sweet release

I, go inside my of my mind
I, go inside all the time
I love sweet sunshine
I, I

I, live inside a dream
I, imagine great things
I, write songs in my head
I, am myself

All I want to do is sing
you can cut off my wings
all I'm gonna do is dream
I dream great things, I dream things

I, go inside my of my mind
I, go inside all the time
I love sweet sunshine
I, I

I, live inside a dream
I, imagine great things
I, write songs in my head
I, I, am myself

all i see
in the mirror
is a little *****
and all i feel
is sadness

I just read a book. I learned that humans are animals. Animals with a bit of enhances features, like memory. He never remembered everything he put me through. He abused me and lied to me on purpose, but it also wasn't on purpose. He didn't care that I was 14. He probably forgot. He already blocks tons of other **** out his mind. Some random black girl was no different. I don't really feel like I ever meant much to anyone. Now that I know the truth about men, was he really conscious? Was he really conscious and deliberate, when he lied to me, and manipulated me, and took advantage of me? Or was it just another day, to black out afterwards? To black out after I was yet again blocked.

Humans have memories. I've (not on purpose) trained my mind to remember every negative thing that happened to me. I remember it all. I remember the crying, posting tons of poems screaming at him, wishing he would come back. The grief and mourning, the loss. I have a "big picture" kind of memory, details are blurry, but they are there. It's as if I remember things in distant screenshots. Visible but not visible at the same time.

What is human nature?

It irritated you when I kept reaching out. When I kept coming back. You didn't seem to react to me wanting you to love me. To the crashing out. To the mood swings. You made crude comments and responses. Always ******. You never reacted. You never seemed to care. Your apologies are fake. You never change. You ruined my life.

Does no one notice that I stay in my room all day? They didn't care when I started failing school. I usually don't have an expression on my face. I don't go outside much sometimes. I'm always monotone, like that's not ******* normal, considering all I've been through. You think I'm monotone on ******* purpose? *******

I guess it changed you when you did read all my "poems," all just a cry for help. Just screaming. Just angry and miserable all the time. It was all building up within me. I had no friends. I had no one. All I knew is that you ruined my life and I hated you. It burned inside of me. I still remember everything. I don't know how I could forget. Maybe if I forgot, I would be ******* happy.

I'm lost. I have mood swings. I have borderline personality disorder. Sometimes I'm happy. My *** is bad. I get suicidal during ***. But my period is fine.

Most of the time I'm disconnected from my body. Sometimes I want to take over you. To just make you mine. Most of the time I'm stuck in la-la land. Fantasizing about love. Other times, like now, I snap back to reality. That the world is dark and cruel and there is no love. That I'm stuck in my parents house and don't have a job. That I can't change the past. I can't do anything about all those men who abused me. I can't do ****. It just floats around inside my ******* head.

Life is alone. Life is silent. All people can say is "I'm sorry." Because that's all they can ******* be. Just sorry. Just pitying me and looking down on me. Congratulating me for being "strong," like that means anything. Everyone just makes me feel angry.

Life is silent. It doesn't give a ****. God is dead. He won't save us. He won't save me. He'll just throw me little gifts here and there to distract me from my pain. But he won't solve anything. I'll just wait 30 years for karma to hit them. I'm supposed to be happy with that ****.

I don't like being around men. I constantly avoid them in public, unless it's a guy I like. I don't trust people. I always assume they have a malicious intent. I read every action. Pay attention to words. To their eyes. I just want to shove my face into a grater. I don't wanna attract anyone or be pretty. I want to look how I look on the inside: ugly and broken and unlovable.

I can't get into a relationship anymore. Everything just hurts. They all break my heart, and labels are foggy. *** is me just being used. I can't have anyone I want. I busy myself with work. I am sad. I feel worthless. I wish I were dead. Instead of having to live amongst a bunch of weird animals.

But I don't want to be a persona. Or an alternate. I kind of want to have my own name I was given. I want to be myself again. It is scary, anxiety inducing, like I'm constantly being stalked.

But I want to be me.

And just like an animal, It's normal. I avoid men. I stay alone. I don't date. I'm never having ***. Animals stay away from things that cause them pain. Animals bury it down deep and focus on the next thing. Animals don't live. They survive.

****
a
dark cloud
with
malevolent intentions
lingering
over
my head
i say
i love you
but i know
my self
has bad intent.

I have a cloud over my head..
there's no love that ever existed between us..

i
don't wanna tell you i love you anymore.

it goes
through one ear out the other.

i never
wanna tell you
because
you've heard it
so many times
and each time
love
meant nothing to you

i want you
to always
feel
how i feel
but i
can't make you love me

does love
make you afraid?

clearly,
it does
because
you constantly have
to lie to me
and try to
manipulate me

im so sick
of these ******* words
going through my head
the same
buzzwords

i really, really do
but i might as well be telling you
that brick walls are red,
grass is green,
and the sky is blue.

yes
i have mood swings
i can be manic
but most of the time
i am just
lonely
sad

i am sorry (not sorry)
i scared you away
and said messed up things

its because you hurt me
and i was so afraid
things
are never as they seem

id do anything
just to have a partner...
just to have love

not ******* sorry
cause i shouldnt be.

here i go again,
becoming more like
the author

of that that book
its 10 30
and my eyes are strained
i hung out
with crazy people online

i don't even have my own place
i don't wanna work

someone joined
with the same name as you
i thought
a bit more positive today
positive over negative

i could never
have *** with you
without falling in love
i always
imagine it
so intense

i hate this world
i wish i was never born into it.
i don't ever wanna come back
it's not beautiful
it's not amazing
it's not magical

i cant escape the misery
and im not abby geni
or rather
miranda

im tired

I don't even know what to call this. It's like a story. I believe I'm copying the writing style of Abby Geni. Maybe she aligns with my mind. Maybe she understands. I don't know.

All I can think about is how you treat me versus what you say you want with me. It just makes me feel too confused. I'm usually imagining you driving over to Philly and us talking in the car. Me smiling at you, or having a straight face. Or maybe both, depending on my mood. Sometimes I'm *****. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm angry. You'd easily be able to see my slight change in personality, in emotion, mood swings.

I need to workout before it its 1.

I am an open book with you. I can never remember a time I ever lied to you. I don't like lying. I want to be authentic and be myself. All I can wonder is just: Why? Just ******* why? Why do you keep trying to have *** with me and then call me your friend? I thought about it in the bathroom. I think that you like me as a friend but have a problem controlling your ****** impulses around me. Cause I "turn you on." But even your friendship is a problem. Is being racist, making hateful comments about my religion, and constantly nitpicking my intelligence and making me feel like **** what you call a "friend?" I don't get what's wrong with you.

The more I explore life in my little way, and grow curious about things, the more I see the truth about you. But it's also easy for me to get swept up in the grand delusion I ******* have. Being "so in love!" with you. Why?

I went on and on and on about why, for so long. Is this another part of you that I love? That you're a racist *******? Who can't control himself?

My thoughts and memories and disfragmented. Whatever the ******* word is.

I was disappointed when you first showed me your face. I can't remember much but the awkward smile.

That little curve, bent. Like it was forced. Something uncanny. Like an AI staring himself in the mirror. Facade, deceiving himself to think he's some sort of king. A ******* clown.

And that shirtless pic you went around showing everyone like a ****. And of course you had to cheat on me. But for some reason I don't care about that. Because you told me about that so late. Like, 2 years after.

You'e so hard to understand. I'm just tearing up right now. I'll never be the same after everything you did to me. I constantly feel like I can't ******* scream. I can't ******* get angry. I'm getting choked up.

I'm tearing up because I'm also disillusioned. Because I keep being in love with a fantasy. Because it constantly plays inside my head, over and over again.

I walk around life flat-faced, and emotionless. Hiding my painful everyday routine. No ***. No dating. It's killing me, but it's alright. I'll just study and work all day. Holding back the tsunami of pain and emotions that threatens to take over me. A defining mark of a borderline personality. Maybe I should delete my account. Start a new one. I've had so many.

Everything's just going through my head. But especially the thought... the thought of us meeting for real. I would be happy. Would I be happy? Excited.. but would that switch to sadness, knowing the disgusting ******* thing you really are? Or would I lash out, and switch to anger? Would I scream at you? Like I desperately want to?

The way you make me feel is so crazy. So confused. So lost. Normal people look at me like I'm ******* crazy. "Just move on."
"Just let it go."
I don't want anyone else

Every person I'm attracted to you somehow has to have some characteristic of you. They have to look like you. Have the same skin tone as you. Intellect like you. Attractive like you. My ****** desire is for no one but you. The people I attract are even just you. I can't escape from you in my life. You are everywhere. You are everything.

You are the only thing I love. Destabilizing me, making me crazy, ruining my life. All of this other **** is worthless. You are the only one I love.

I guess I do love you and your flaws. Maybe I love the fact that you don't love me. Maybe I love the chaos and drama. Maybe I love hanging by a thread. Maybe I love constantly being depressed everyday because of my internal hell.

I can just imagine you ******* with me again. Trying to have *** with me. Buying me risque things. All you make me feel like is an object. You make me feel like you can't ever see me as a person. You can't ever love me. You just want to always use me. You make me cry. You make me feel tired. Of the same **** over and over again. You live in my head.

its me again
this feels good
to say everything
i want to say

its not like
teary vent
like i did
years ago
fresh
from the scars
of your words
and actions
abusing me

i was always
afraid
to say that word
abuse
i was always afraid
afraid of you

i imagine
touching
your average looking face
feeling
happy
sad
angry
no
those arent the words

words cant describe how i feel.

its a bit..
disgusting
the things you make me feel

i just
want to talk to you
want to meet you
to see you

maybe
i should
abandon my account
like you abandoned yours.

disappear
into nothing

looking back
at all the things i wrote
now that ive started
to pretend that youre readying my "poems"

you can tell i have mood swings
that my thoughts, feelings, and ideas change a lot
even after all this *******
your ugly *** put me through

****
sometimes
i still wish
you were lying next to me
even though i hate you
its little blissful moments like this
i just want to touch you

all you want is *** from me...
you disgust me

"thats not all i want!"

then why dont you ******* act like it?

you're incapable.

i can't believe that i was so desperate.

in the most
pristine of moments
i look over my shoulder
in a giant ocean
hoping to see
your gleaming pale face
smile at me

and kiss me
im clearly
not the one you want
and you're
put too high
on a pedestal
in my mind

you kind of
disgust me
or rather
i disgust myself
knowing i know
i let the ugliest
most insecure men
get into my heart
and see parts of me
i dared to show no one.

and even came close
to letting them inside me
just to take advantage
of the fact
that i want to be loved.

Does anybody love me
in a way that I like?

When will I ever be
anybody's type

Love is such a joke
all the guys say

Oh how I wish I was dead
I'm so ******* in the head

I feel worthless and weak
after all you did to me

i did nothing wrong
i was too young after all
i just fell asleep
under your underlying spell

you made my life hell
you are so extremely hot
you seem picture perfect
and i simply, am just not.

do you ever forget?
i just live in my head
you said you cant hate me,
could you love me instead?

more than a friend,
but what is a friend,
if you constantly lie to them
fake an apology, and lie again.

lie, lie, lie again
here i cry, and lie again.

you,
you are everything i could ever want
my worst nightmare, shining like a gem
oh how i have grown so numb,
i just might let you use me again.

but don't,
no don't get mad if i destroy you again-

lie, lie, lie again
here i cry, and lie again.

ive been abused my whole life
i dont want to meditate
i dont want to have *** with spirits
i dont want to imagine having love
stop telling me my mom "loved" me
after the hell she put me through
you, blaming everything on me
******* up my mind
you dont understand me
sending me stupid hug emojis

keep wondering why i blocked you
stupid *****
i wish we never met

cause youre gaslighting me
making it look like all my pain was nothing
i am sick of this "spiritual" ****
this **** is unrealistic

i ******* hate you shafari.

you shouldve never dated me
or told me you loved me
you ruined our friendship
you cant get that back

besides that
you're an ******* anyway

this is all your ******* fault

Some people remind me of you
Im writing on my phone
i just got finished making wudu

i feel calm now
Maybe its my period
im acting like the girl
out the book
Who writes to her dead mom

you're not dead
Hopefully
hopefully not after i told you to
so many times

i dont regret a thing
but if you werent dead
id never know
Hopefully youre reading every word i said

You never listen.
You never listen at all.
You never change.

God i want you
So bad

wish you were in my bed
you said you always think about me
Not anymore, huh?

well i think about you

Why didnt you delete your alt account?

I just wanna talk to you.
Go crazy everyday
what else do i have?

Nothing.

and you read everything i write,
But still never listen to me.

I can write to you for centuries
Maybe just
Create an entire account for it

I just wanna talk to you.

Go crazy everyday

what else do i have?

Nothing.

and you read everything i write,
But still never listen to me.

i prayed to god to destroy you

it was my only way out

but now

i need to pray to god

to bring you back in my life

it's the only thing I have

i did message you
but you took so long to respond
i am too afraid..

after four years
to risk you hurting me...

its not only you
whose afraid of being hated.

rejected
i am afraid
you hate me too

or something like that.

wanna go hard, wanna go fast
but I also want my love to last
living in the future, stuck in the past
guess it's time for me to put you on blast

shouting your name
playing games,
little games inside my head

shooting out brains,
going insane
I should just **** you instead

I bathe in blight,
don't say goodbye, love
Kiss me goodnight

I could kiss you forever
in any kind of weather
you ******* away
more than a hurricane

you're a natural disaster,
an actual stress
make me feel, and go high
and make me depressed

bless me with your love
you try to avoid it
I don't give a ****
give me your love

i always think about you
how much you hurt me
and make me feel lost
if im your friend
dont flirt with me
or lead me on
or try to have *** with me
and just heal me
because i'm broken
and i need you

id be very sad
usually
if i were your friend
because i cant touch you
or kiss you
or hold you like i want to
or tell you ***** things
the "i love you"'s would be different
more mellow
more sad
and definitely inside
of an unfriendly way
if you were dating someone
i'd be worried for her
or him
because of your history with me
i'd be jealous
but have to put on a big show
that you didnt drill
a massive hole in my heart
and pretend that that hole
isnt still bleeding
where my heart once was

if we were friends
it'd just be constantly pretending
until i can't take it no more
just shoving down all my love for you

i'd grow distant
and a bit cold
and just cry and cry and cry
crashing down
after those cheerful smiles
and delighted gestures

if we went out
together
it would feel like a date
and i'd blush

i'd get
little bursts of joy
even while
im choking in misery
from you
holding me back
from me
trying to protect my boundaries
i can't trust you
either way
but at least
i'll have someone to talk to

all our conversations
would feel phony
and fake.
i'd be dead
with no life to me
having to act like
i don't love you
like you didn't abuse me
or hurt me
or break my heart one thousand times
a gazilliontrillionkillion times
like you didnt abandon me
time and time again
and leave me lonely
and broken
and gaslight me

if you cut
for every tear i cried
you'd be dead
instantly
i've cried at least a pool
at this point.

i've moaned
day and night
overconsumed by pain
by the void you left
it opens up
when i try to go to sleep
and shuts down
when im working during the day

i guess i am your "friend"
this must be how you treat them
i shouldnt be friends
with someone
who treats me like this
but im so addicted to you
and cant stand being alone
because the truth is
i'd be in pain either way
just waiting
for your love to heal me
but it never will
all your love is so fake
just like our friendship

if we were friends
could you attend to my needs
to make it work?
could you sooth the suffering
that you have caused me?

or do you want me to fake everything
and act like everythings fine?
like this **** is normal
i cant do that anymore

its going to be awkward for you
being friends
with a victim of your abuse
watching me
be sad all the time
taking me through
my healing journey
sitting right next to you
not being able to do what i want

its almost as if
we'd both be denying
that we love each other.
that we want something more

but i'm just
your friend
turned *** toy,
right?

there's no inbetween with you
it disgusts me

are they all like this?
seems that way

but after most men use and abuse me
they don't keep coming back
and trying to save our ******* relationship

you
are an outlier
you're weird

i left you
and can't seem to leave you alone
i said
a bunch of ******* lies
to not hurt your feelings
i change on a whim
this borderline ****

im the one
who is now
reopening closed doors
im the one saying
"lets be friends"

most of the time
it was me
who couldnt leave you alone
now giving you the opportunity
to do the same thing
all over again

i just need you..

but it seems like
i dont realize that
if you're doing the same thing over and over again,
what am i doing?

the exact same thing
i guess
we both need each other
but want different things
i keep trying to make you love me
you keep trying to use me and keep me at a distance
and we both keep going back

it was me this time
so now all you have to do
is just ignore me

and dont email me
and dont text or call my number

cause god knows
this **** is going to happen
all over again

so just let me talk to myself
and suffer in peace

just tell me what i mean to you

i wanna touch you,
caress you
a long sad make out
filled with longing
and hurting
i wanna talk to you on the phone
for four hours
even though we've never talked before
you never put any effort into me
like you did with her

ive never been held
or loved
or kissed
or taken out on a date
or even touched
im afraid to ask.
im afraid to ask for what i want
im afraid to ask you to be a man for me
the kind of man id want you to be
the kind of man you were for her
when you started to cheat on me

for her, you'd buy a plane ticket
and send pictures
for anyone else
you'd go the extra mile
but for me, everything gets cut short.

is it because i'm "easy?"
this started off as soft love
now
i'm growing anger again
getting so angry
at all the times
you constantly try to use me
why
just ******* why
do i mean nothing to you?

then
you wanna turn around and ***** and cry?
because i ******* "hurt you?"

oh i see
i get it
i'm just a "friend" to you
that's why
yes
that must be the reason
you only want to have *** with me
and nothing else.

and pretend
like nothing ever happened
while you give
everything
to all those other girls.

i dont know who they are to be honest
its funny
i dont know who "all those other girls" are
but i know theyre not me
cause you dont give a **** about me
god
****
i slowly come into an anger

i just dont get it
you dont love me
you only want *** with me
but at the same time
i have the power to hurt you?

do you just want friends with benefits?
is that it?
am i your friend,
that somehow,
you want to use, abuse, and manipulate?
and still keep me in your life?
do the same ****
over and over again
it's just either
***
or the friendzone
and i dont want either of that ****.
god i ******* hate you
i dont understand this
i shouldve never reached out.

whats left to say
when its all over
this is the end
like it was before
nothing left
but i did try
and at this point
when i've given up
is the exact time
you'd be coming back
when i stayed up all night from grief,
and let it come into me
when i felt like i was at the end
and didn't hold on, or didn't pretend
when i let the sadness in my blood
crashing down like a wave
and let my thoughts fill the page
as if you were at your last stage
write to you like its a death
after all, i wouldnt know
you couldve killed yourself.
and all i could do is let it go
i'd always be sad and alone
having you in my head
as the little angel that ruined my life
but chose to be with me instead.

i never really was adored
for any of my good inner qualities
authentic
loyal
loving
affectionate
always wanting true love
for real
so faithful
committed
it feels cringe to even write these things out something
what i do highlight
is all the things that are wrong with me
and make me unlovable
crazy
mood swings
clingy
psychopathic
needy
desperate
a little too *****
not good enough
not light enough
'only good for one thing.'
i feel like a ghost.
"learning lessons"
"karma"
i am weird
and nothing that i do
nothing of my personality
or my heartfelt poetry
none of it matters
because to people
im just a body to use and abuse
and i hate my body
and want to cut it
and throw myself down a flight of stairs
or off a rooftop
just fall and die
even then
in my death
they'd probably still use me
everything im afraid of
i just wish i was dead
what good is it
to be trapped
in a body
that is disconnected from you?
i might as well
be half way there,
half way to death.
if im just a ghost
floating around with a tight throat.
if i
just silently scream
inside myself
wishing someone
would see all the racism
and misogyny
and pain
and abuse
and everything i go through
just piled up
in an invisible ball
and yet
people are surprised
when i say im suicidal
why wouldnt i be?

all i wanted
was to be loved.
and i never knew
that that was such a big ask.

and i dont know why
its so hard for people to love me
when its so easy
for me to love anyone.

it comforts me
sending little internet emails
sailing through a sea of networks
hoping you'd find it
i guess i forgot this part of moving on.
sometimes
you just have to write it out
all the pain
all the love you lost
all the times you want to die
and just cant take no more
im at that point
going numb
to my mom going through all my **** in my room
my brother scratching up my brand new phone
feeling trapped inside this house
going crazy because i can't have ***
crying myself to sleep at night because i don't have a partner
and i feel empty inside
and feel hopeless.
and i now understand
even if this ******* manifestation is real,
that life is just suffering.
and that's how it's supposed to be.
and we've all just gotta cope with that
that everything is ******,
and it'll only get worse.

i always come to this point
where there's nothing left in my heart
just fantasies that i hope would come true
things that i imagine in my head

am i even lovable to you?
sometimes i feel like its the color of my skin
i dont feel like i match with my skin and body
i abandoned my body after you taught me i was worthless
that that's all i was good for
what else did you ever love me for?
nothing.

and no one else will ever love me for anything else.

me and you in the car, talking
i think about this every morning, when i wake up
i talk about how i dont know what goes on in your head
and you finally tell me
we talk about love
***
and touch
and kiss
and i caress the sides of your face
and run my fingers through your hair
i ask you whats been going on in your life
and you ask me about whats been going on in mine
i explain to you the things that psychologically go on in my head
and all my complicated feelings for you
i thought i was always a *** toy to you.
how could i ever hurt you?
what were you feeling that you never showed me throughout the years?
because all your pain is a surprise to me.
i don't want to hurt you
yet, at the same time, i do
but i try to become the stronger force of the evil being within myself.
are we really friends?
and how would i feel if i said i couldnt stop myself from touching you?
not in a creepy way
but just putting my arms around your shoulder
or holding your hand
or holding you in my arms
and being all motherly
which i really want to be
but you saw
that last time we talked
i was different
still crazy
but well..
hopefully not as cruel
i feel ashamed when i tell you i love you
because i dont think my actions show it
the things i did and said to you
a reaction of anger and trauma
but it's not love.
or is it?
maybe love is more ****** up than it seems.
or maybe it's just me.
all of this is complicated
maybe
i should write more often as if you're reading it
because you were last time
more **** in my head
but it's whatever
because i'll never date anyone else.
not if they're there to just replace you
to do the same things you did to me
over and over again
you are very predatory
your words mean nothing to me
by your actions
all i see
is that all you want to do is use me.
and lie to me
and yet
i would still marry you
and let you destroy my life all over again
not that you'd marry me
i'm just saying
i would..
i feel like
i'm an open book
i feel like
i know everything about you
but nothing about you at all.

living life with a hole in my heart

falling backwards
off a cliff
into time
i do drift
my eyes hurt
it's an eclipse
of my whole life
dust into mist
i just wish
i didn't exist
i just wish
i had my wish
i just wish
you cared a little bit
about my tears
about my pain

everything i want
oh how it slips
right off my hand
i've lost my grip
on my own voice
i do trip
i never speak up
i admit

in my heart
i feel a pit
at my past
i feel stupid
all i do
is cry
i cry for
all my life
i cry alone
the sobs echo
i feel the pain
i feel the fear
every day
every year

time flies by
like a bee
i grow tall
like a tree
i will fall
i will go
i will die
feeling lost

i made a song about you
i wish you were to listen

I let loose, untie the noose from my neck
I feel cold, I feel bold and *****
I tolerate all the hate and disrespect.
I'm one with the void of abuse and neglect
There's no one who will help or protect
I can't be saved from the actions of men
They do the same thing time and time again,
I know it's all my fault, so I come to a halt
dropping down ******* my knees on the soft asphalt,
My heart is warm but hard like basalt,
The taste of love is like a rock of salt,
on my tongue, while I'm naive and young,
I crave all the love in the world.

And it leaves me empty
I'm always at rock bottom.
And I'm never getting up,
I can't bring myself to **** myself,
so I'm never giving up
I'll never be with anyone,
but I'll always give love
Because dark hearts can be good hearts;
let's not rely on body parts
Kindness is a lost art, on the inside
what are you really like inside?
I can show you my void and invite you to love it,
But I'll know nothing will come of it
you put everything on me, push it and shove it,
but I'm still alive nontheless
And I'll always want revenge.
Even if it is my end
I won't rest till' you make amends.
drinking poison till' I'm gone,
I won't be happy anyway,
so I might as well hold on to my resentment,
And hell can close it's gates,

Because I'm already behind those dark bars,
Feeling like a dark star
People don't know what souls are,
when yours is tortured long enough,
you'll go far
trust me, this is a dark art,
because all good hearts are dark hearts,
living life is a dark art.

everyday, i'm getting older
i feel less alive
and the days are getting colder
even in the summertime
ghosts upon my shoulder
i can't hear what they say
i have so much potential
i feel nothing but pain

nothing matters now
my world is upside down
i just want to give up
i'm already know i'm ******

pushing through it all
what's even the point?
it's a long tunnel
and nothing's at the end
nothing but death
take away my breath
because i barely breathe
i'm just a waste

all i want
is a release
the after life
a little taste

i know that
i'm not light enough
for you to love me.

it's not a secret
you have to hide.