your belt
sits in a chest
under my bed

where your chest
met my head
atop of it.

neither my head
nor a chastity belt

i've felt

both rights of mine

like sunshine
in the valley of death

i hereby present  
this
sacrificial offering
to you and your kin
men of any skin
indiscriminate of ticks
hands, time spans, or dimensions

it never meant
much to me
to start with.
none of my organs
can play melodies
and boycotting churches
doesn't help much--
weekdays or ends

i'm weak in the end.
you'll feast nonetheless.
i accept.
condescend what's left.
because i comprehend
that i can't live with myself
regardless.

and why fight the taste of bitterness,
when i've never tasted success.

- end

and if i died today
no one would see
till the organs grew potent
and summoned them
to their senses, olfactory
and led them to the decay that is me
dead or alive
and unwanted

it's ok.
i'm prepared.

i can always make them come
though i can never make them stay
and when outliers do on occasion
i lie my way out till they lie back in line
and once again i can go about my isolation

i see the little girl wearing me.
puppy eyes, dogged tears
she's so ashamed of me
she says we've gone missing
in this world, she's all i've been missing
so i made her go.

and let the distance grow
because although i know she misses me
she doesn't know she misses nothing when i'm gone
and everything when i'm here too long

if not for the memory of her purity
i would contemplate my eulogy
so strangers i wish i knew
knew what to read before they buried me
     like i did with the little birdie
     earlier when she caught and told me
     that my little girl is wearing everything but me
     and that she makes them come
     ever since i made her leave
    
-

today is here.

- end

i don’t follow
and won’t lead
if my dreams
chase after me
at night
i won’t lose

no sleep
and i will feel free
aimlessly seeking the street
sign so no one sees
dimly lit lights live

where nightmares strip me
of all i claim to be
then embrace my body
followed by me chasing them
when they threaten to leave
i claim to tease
when on i still lead

in reality
they know all
that i am
for them
my reality
is the dream

we will never be alright.
until we admit
we will never
all be
right.

- end

dear mom.

i wish i could just talk to you
without having to play us both
or support your role
on a stage i set
all by myself
in exchange for a rested head

practice makes perfect
they said
but i perfected practice to death
i hope that explains why i left
and still head to the opposite end

where insane is the only right
i have left

and my head
a dead end
and my only
friend

i sleep on the ceramic floor each night
to keep the creases in my bedsheets intact
i never knew you were an artist
till the day you painted them and left.

- end

he embezzled thousands
of me
endlessly
dressed in no
skin
resembling
white sheep

the wolves insist
it’s not him
incessantly
investors with cheeks
pen checkered checks
and i bleed

their flushed flesh
left me
and for a full year
i sat and still weep
overfilled till deep
i pressed down on me
to let my heart beat
me free as those tears
i now let leak leaps

the shepherd believes
he breeds herds of meals
who tell him they teeth
on sights of him meek
i hear him repeat
this isn’t me

a bitter pill
is better sweet
reality
is bittersweet

perhaps i’m him
and he is me
and all along
the wolves
were sheep

can you patch it up
my dreams are stuck
and it’s been a nightmare
given they don’t give up

fix it.

each bead it chips fell off
and smothered the chip
on my shoulder to dust
i’ve become cumbersome

like father
like sons
like my lust
for their love
and our love
for lost blood

i am the heart
of these walls.

i have nowhere to go

only God can know that i am not grown
though they beg to differ so often

God only knows that i am so worn
and so
          so
old.

i am what you see
a product of he's and she's
and the me of which you dream.

why open our eyes
when they have nothing to reveal
but me

all along
all alone
stranded
standing here.

- end

move along
once i’m gone
i won’t long
to thaw my palms
or arm my thoughts
with warmth

i want more
than to move
calloused hearts
up in arms
like mine
in arms
cup my palms

frozen
purple

all but my heart
but always at war

can i hate him
when he can't fathom the thought
of anyone
doing otherwise
to begin with

everything won't be ok this time.

stay
unless you've gone
then stay
until you've known  
that weak is not calm
and strength is not war
and hard hearts are strong
but strongest of all
are those who love all
for first they broke
and then they thawed
and then they found
peace in their warmth.

a highly praised one
raised right by my homemade love
came to shame the pain we come from

time’s been and still is too tough
i drink enough till i think i’m enough
fill my gut till i’m drunk on your love

just enough
to forgive
my blood

like my heart drops
my tears form clots
and the humming stops

i can’t sink or sing anymore
write or stream my ink anymore
i think it unlinked from my thoughts

i don’t think
i can outrun its bars
my verdict from the world

i’m not what they deserve
vermin in their herd
i heard

im what makes
their perfect
imperfect

so summon my courage
kiss my sober kosher thoughts
till i sink slow to kiss this morbid
ocean floor.

hey baby.
I'm sorry we had to meet like this.

I wish I could wear pretty nightgowns
And frilly things

Instead, I'm in bed with night frowns
And silly thinks

nothing to do.
nowhere to go, because i'm here.

levitating
if you take away these sheets
my legs are crossed
i'm alone, after all
the screen is off
because when it's only me
who's there to put on a show for

i feel one ankle touch my knee.
my other sole is right but blood is life
and it feels so cold on my purple-pink skin

this precisely is the type of moment in solace
that incentivizes my strike plate's flawlessness
it's unexplored
like the ****** groomed in preparation
for a very imperfect fiscal offer
made amongst four x chromosomes
we sometimes coin fathers

and really if you look closely
you'll know why i let them do to me
what i've struggled to do with myself
for so long. en-titled.

i pay the price whenever i free-fall
but a cold soul is something i can afford
given the flight down revives
late exhibitions of all the love i once had
that weighed so heavy but now acts
as the anchor where my frown is
what i should be
never lost and always found

and if i could
i would defy science
and gravity
in my psyche
and gladly glide downhill
perpetually to
feed fleeting feelings
before once more
i abandon control
and lose to
a-
void

- end

i am my arch nemesis
my soul: sole
object of my affection

the most deceptive mask
Lust can wear  

- end

let me know
if you’re ready
to relay
the weight
making you so heavy
2:10 AM
only sunshine from here
to 1:20.
AM, too
but this time,
there’s only
darkness
to see

- end

God
get me out of my own head
please
keep me out of my own way
i
stay awake to fall asleep
pray
i won't see the day
i see

but the week/weak
never cared
just like me
till today

today
i see

to try
without fail
never is to triumph
always is to fail

without fail.

i miss you a lot.
but i'm more mad at you
than anything.

when i met you
i had nothing
not even a place to rest my head
when the sun did
and the moon lit
hand in hand with its soul mate
the night sky
like they always did
and always will
with the exception
of solar eclipses.

but those are just temporary.
they get angry at each other
but that's transient.
they always get back together.

i miss you.
a lot.
but i'm more scared
than anything.
because i can't tell
if we were like
the moon and the sky
or a solar eclipse.

cantankerous

dear mom
it’s your fault
i miss you
i wish you knew
each piece of each
morsel of my heart
beat
more than these pieces of paper do.

they embody my body
language
scattered
sporadic
mislabeled
man and mishandled
like me with
the three i
speak fluently
incompetent and ineffective
ly. suffixes that suffocate me
as ***-backwardly i
awkwardly demean
when i mean to
seek through them the
clarity
you misperceive.

i couldn’t tell you
why i’m me
or how i came to be
the part of we
you’d rather
weep over
as does one
with the dis-ease
of a disease
that precedes
the deceased.

weep not over me justifiably
just
if i believe
it’s not i
you bereave.

-

WEDNESDAY JUNE 27, 2018
02:04 AM

your fingertips outsink ships
my loose lips let slip

safety nets ripped
by ventriloquists twisted  
ripple effects affected
we inherited it
to trip or quadruple our
crippled-ness to depths infinite
abysses

if i’m not incorrect
those are my deformed forms
mine do detect
morphed to be torn between your two souls
as ours do so so well as well
how well illy we’re reflected

your heartbeat is ******
unredemeed and restless
as are feared our fearful existences
deemed rested contingent without exception
upon only our
respective
breathlessness
even graves can’t reject we the grave rejects

if life must be empty
my pens must be
its attempts at repentance
salvage my savagery by any means
just or unjust
just not at my hands expenses

and Father: take heed
beg mercy with sincerity

like sentences hence
life sentences end
and poets
us devils
from heaven
raise hell

life
is nothing

but a too tedious
to-do list

i’m forced to fulfill
for forcibly living

i'd have at-will in it enlisted
with as much passion as that with which

today i wish to exist.

- endless

not in heaven
but when i must admit
myself to hell it’s
been where wit’s end exists

i need a drink
the double vision it
sets me on a single path
where there’s no room for quits

its true the price is this
cancerous abyss
of self-absorbedness
but sad certain agony
is better than inconsistent bliss

i apologize
fighting to find
fair rationale
that may contrast
the way i justify
the foolishness
of continuing
to provide
abode for this weight
when all it has
is novel means
of snapping my back

suffice it to say
my tolerance for pain
lies in a plain land
far far away
blanketed
on the outskirts

i will implore
should the scene need
for you to believe me
if nothing else
i’ve learned to suppress
my dignity
transiently

the only fear
is that it discover
the relief
of the darkness
under covers

- end

what are words with no soul
whats a soul with no cords
who am i when no one’s there
and my pillow instigates
let my bed sell
my head on
the futility of rays.

     im not ok.
     im not ok.
     im not ok.

i don’t know how to act

happy to be sad
wouldn’t it be different
were i to be indifferent
if i have to have happy
as nonexistent
and haphazardly
corner myself in between
apathy and agony
not in-distant
i’m insistent  
that if neither
and each must
be me
for me
and to me
i’m happy here
with indifference

knights take shots
trying to steal my heart
steel it was till it was not

so let the sun tell them
no man's son can rob
what’s been long lost

gone

i swept yesterday under the rug
let horrors of tomorrow interrupt
and the love they say today erupts
every new day from dusk to dusk
hates how i lay here dulled by dust

why care.

or claim
i can’t wait
for it to end
yesterday felt
the same

and what’s tomorrow
but yet another today

show me novel ways
let’s shovel up old graves
my inhumane unveils
revives former dull flames

and i see the beauty arson hides

i always never did at times
set indecisiveness aside
if for nothing other than the sake
of confronting fronts i fake

unearth wrath of the plague
at times i sideline my sides humane
and as much as i hate
these dark scars
i’m
not
    unfair

like the first degree burns
my skin scrapbooked back when
i took the scenic route down my path
and watched it turn each page to ash

though it showed me much more
when i saw paradise and its light
and it taught me new morals
when it told me that the only
way to see the light
is by cruising through the fire

as is arson's ignited flames
scaring strangers to pain
while behind curtains you and i sit
engulfed in light that grows
more beautiful the darker it gets

push me to the edge of my seat
sit me on the tip of my tongue
tilt till i trip to spill brims i overfilled
creaking on the verge of pent up tears
and brinks of insanity that ceased to be

i freed the fear
and felt my fleeting feet
flee to defeat
the feat of defeat

as days i see
decrease
and time on me
decrees
indefinite sleep
in peace
i for once and finally
can rest
at ease
deceased

lying
like i’m smiling
trying to find
the fine line
lining all
across the truth
hear how my heart
here hoped to die when
tyrants tried
my tired mind and
mine wasn’t
triumph
tell my youth
sing in the silence
break into timing
see
truth wasn’t lying
when she swore on
me and you
she’d die when
our time did
it never lies
this time
it’s true

march 28 2021 at 2:26 AM

my heart cries
i hit these new lows
on this old drive
this passover
i'm on this overpass
passing over you
still i can't seem
to let the past go
or get over the past

or get over you

someone wake up
i've been sitting here
near the first stair
someone must be up

there's this thin ceiling
in between
beneath
you
me

i know you've never seen
my nose or my eyes seep
anywhere near the bottom

but this red sea
is the bled tears
i've shed relentlessly
second after century

i know you hear my screams
if i shout any louder
i'll see more sharply

so don't brush them off
come up with unjust cause
or rush to judge
your gut's wise walls

who are you
to hush
God.

nothing
like me
so please
descend from heaven
past hell and into me

love
nothing
like
me
silence me
set me free

and i will love
nothing
like
you
eternally

please,

i need restarting.

it's been such a feat
offing these viruses that offer me toxins
and we can only blame me
because i let them feed despite how they appear, unsightly
as the manifestation of this disease, progressive.

i'm not deserving of this distinguishing
for responsibility i'm relinquishing due to negligence
and incessant selflessness
synonymous with ignorance

and you...
you only dream of this type of recognition
dedication to your existence makes you far more deserving

but who pays mind to mundane, even if it's right?
though overlooking it entirely...  
that's how me's are made.

and once upon a time, i was.
but today, i am not alright.

-end

help me.
for if you
unleash me
upon myself
i would melt the heavens
and you’d freeze in hell.

my favorite part of love
isn’t the moment you see a slippery street
and still decide to step on the concrete
knowing full well
the banana slippers
on your feet
will inevitably fail to succeed.

or even the transient—albeit seemingly ceaseless—ischemic attack that accompanies,
only to flee,
leaving your newfound morphine deficiency
all you never knew you’d ever need

it’s not the self-pity,
pain,
or sympathy you summon from stems, branches, buds, or fallen crispy sheets
that console you due to formalities
while deeply-seated loyally
in your freshly proclaimed enemy.

the slip
the trip
the consequential limp
are magic. enchanting. it’s sick.
but not nearly as diseased
as my favorite phase of this plague—
its terminal infirmity the second epiphany strikes me
simultaneously as my previously paralysis-ridden limbs
spring lively
and i cling onto the same steel anatomy
that had infected me
as viciously  
as it now
heals.

- end

inhale
exhale*
stop.

next...

life is too short
for cruel words

it’s too long
with cruel words

i hate how my heart
beats at the same rate
when yours make me hate you
for being the best you could create
and when they’ve shown me the shooting stars
that are the look of pride
upon your face
but above all
i hate
how though they equate
less than half a grain
of sand
in the bottom half of my hourglass
to date they were just enough
to get me up and through the day
where all i can wonder of
is if my time will come
when you’re too late or

i give up

here, world.
have these words.

it’s all for the better
i’m all for the worse

they're all bound
to come around
and rebound
some days from now
so what’s the worst?

don me a a player
of words
and an alphabet
about which
i could not care less
though in them is my worth
they’re the sole characters  
on which my transient existence depends…
how symbolic.

don't allow it
they’ll run out of artists and authors
when they realize they need to pay attention
to working on pay without paying on their end
so they pay homage and paint my pale face
and hang it up as they say grace and pass the pail, there's
a pencil in my left although i’m not right at times
hand it
although i've only used pen those times
grant it
to galleries long after i am gone
and my silent voice of self-defense that is read when i see red
is no more
and granted,
my flesh is dense, entrenched and soiled in worms and soil
and the sole consistency in my after and my life is my nonexistent soul

don’t let the gluttony go unnoticed.

for if there is a phenomena i despise more so
than broadway shows which broadly showcase
plain, feigned mythical “facts” amidst quotes
it’s the fact that
myth
has no purpose
but to extort
the 27 things i’ve ever known:
my mean letters and my enemy
long after i
am no more.

let me pick your brain
show me your grey
maybe then i’ll do the same

****** me with the gin
you hide behind your grin
maybe then you’ll have me

overwhelmed
by the beauty in your ugly
oh, i thirst for a taste of truth
lies burden your chest, whet
my flesh, maim my chained head

see your reflection?
how your ugly makes you lovely

pound me down on my knees
beat me, ravage me, unleash
the savage you’d meeked

loosen me, wear me thin
widen my heartless mind
strong-arming might make me feel

make me your canvas
paint me with blood-red,
master

me,
shatter my heart to pieces
it makes masterpieces better, i’m

overwhelmed
by the beauty in your ugly
oh, i thirst for a taste of you
why burden your chest when
i beg, thrive on unrest

see your reflection?
how i’m what makes you lovely

little brother.
my little angel

how little i feel
how minute i must be
for you, who is me,
to up and leave
my little baby...

i misspoke
and misconducted
and miscommunicated
and miscarried
the purity
that is you
the bane of what is me
and my existence

the pain from the staircase
i ****** my broken body down
still aches

and i am ready
for an eternity
of agony

if anything happens to me tomorrow
i need nothing else
but for you to understand
that if not for you
tomorrow
would have been so
long
long
long
ago