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absinthe Aug 24
hey friend,

remember, when the wound
was more fresh
than the in-season blood-red
fruit wet on my flesh

it’s five fifty-two
and i’m here
where the sky’s blue
is premature
and the moon’s gone
too soon
stuck with jail cells
for brain cells

with and without you.
Aug 1 · 41
1211am12/17/18
absinthe Aug 1
what are words with no soul
whats a soul with no cords
who am i when no one’s there
and my pillow instigates
let my bed sell
my head on
the futility of rays.

     im not ok.
     im not ok.
     im not ok.
Jun 1 · 132
06/01/2019 5:39am
absinthe Jun 1
i have secrets.
secrets
even my sleeves
don’t see fit
to wear out—
  so instead
  they wear me. i'm
  out and about
trying to find a way
to fit in
on my way out
May 8 · 53
Sunday May 12 1133 AM
absinthe May 8
dear mom.

i wish i could just talk to you
without having to play us both
or support your role
on a stage i set
all by myself
in exchange for a rested head

practice makes perfect
they said
but i perfected practice to death
i hope that explains why i left
and still head to the opposite end

where insane is the only right
i have left

and my head
a dead end
and my only
friend
Mar 5 · 618
march 4 2019 at 1138pm
absinthe Mar 5
hey dad
remember when i was
only half bad
sometimes i do
but right now i can’t feel
half bad

i’m hazmat
as your suit
has had
my pursuit
of you
seem half-assed

before i press repeat
i remind myself to rewind
the mind i pay you
after i try to rinse my hand

i’m either asleep
or dreaming of dreams
but never in between
like the white light
that beams
on its way to my heart
halfway down
the ashy stream
Feb 9 · 847
love
absinthe Feb 9
i hate a mess
but i’d hate
not seeing yours
all over my bedroom
floor
more
Jan 20 · 351
his-trionic
absinthe Jan 20
down on my knees.
i could be praying here.
instead
i’m preying on beasts
who prey on me.

pray for me

i’m in too deep.
drowning
in knee-deep tears
not nearly
as shallow as me.
Jan 6 · 377
français
absinthe Jan 6
you don’t get me
so you don’t get me
my knowledge of you
is barely rudimentary
and rue is a two way street

why did you beget me
only to regret me
forsake me
for your sake
i beg you

forget me
forget me
Dec 2018 · 63
fuck therapy
absinthe Dec 2018
your fingertips outsink ships
my loose lips let slip

safety nets ripped
by ventriloquists twisted  
ripple effects affected
we inherited it
to trip or quadruple our
crippled-ness to depths infinite
abysses

if i’m not incorrect
those are my deformed forms
mine do detect
morphed to be torn between your two souls
as ours do so so well as well
how well illy we’re reflected

your heartbeat is ******
unredemeed and restless
as are feared our fearful existences
deemed rested contingent without exception
upon only our
respective
breathlessness
even graves can’t reject we the grave rejects

if life must be empty
my pens must be
its attempts at repentance
salvage my savagery by any means
just or unjust
just not at my hands expenses

and Father: take heed
beg mercy with sincerity

like sentences hence
life sentences end
and poets
us devils
from heaven
raise hell
Dec 2018 · 373
addictionaries
absinthe Dec 2018
bored in a beautiful palace
with waterfalls and hands uncalloused
was a bystander when it all happened
and in their happiness
they struggle to understand
me
hapless
Nov 2018 · 117
ode to O2
absinthe Nov 2018
You are not a breath of fresh air
but air itself.
Nov 2018 · 809
The Abortion
absinthe Nov 2018
i killed a man today
yesterday  
he was a child
and before then
was once inside one
meanwhile inside
her childish mind
he didn’t decide
her body wasn’t his
or go on to dismiss
the one on her side
or rid him from her insides

yet now we’re here
and it’s me he sits besides
my hands slide up
and down
his bedroom
eyes

was yesterday not just the other day
what’s tomorrow but just another today
and why is it i can kiss a man
at the same time  
i end his life
Sep 2018 · 235
Untitled
absinthe Sep 2018
today i feel
particularly connected with
the plastic fake nail tip
that from its branch my hand disconnected
when it fell off of the bed with which it and i was blessed
the  days came and they went  
then the day came and they left
and my heart enraged felt neglect
like mine when they saved their own instead
and all that does change when chains react
is what the heart always felt
but the mind not yet accepted

and i set in ways with malice friends
took as so often do you
and us fools do by pride possessed
and watched them take what’s theirs as theft
sat meanwhile taking them for granted

and i too like it snapped and left an other half
scared half to death
and for the life of me
unhinged in my inability
to muster not
even one snake tear then again
ain’t these i see here
the same eyes with which she
summoned her last breath
begging me for help

i’ll take a life with slow death
waiting ahead at every bend
over this death
of a head
mine
wet with regret
Aug 2018 · 589
august 22, 2018 3:33 PM
absinthe Aug 2018
dear baby bro,

i miss you so much. so much so
it doesn’t hurt anymore.
i keep trying to be everything bahi wasn’t to me
i think about my approach
i had a dream two nights ago
you came up to me
and said you can’t ignore me
anymore
i got so excited
and squeezed you so tight and
even though then you said this doesn’t mean
things are the way they were before
and suddenly it didn’t
not hurt anymore
i still had you to hold.
and the holes felt whole

i know i have to reassemble
what i broke.
and if it turns out your heart’s
missing a piece
because of the peace
my negligence broke off
just know
right after i’m through
putting mine together
my heart’s yours
Jul 2018 · 4.2k
(caramel) ken doll
absinthe Jul 2018
sat next to the man with two phones
i asked him to hold my hand
and he laughed  

sitting in his ‘96 civic
for three hours we fell asleep
till six since three

he’s one of the many men
whose substance
far from the moral field
leaves many men with little substance
and you and me victims
of victims of you and me

he’s the type who feeds fiends
and he’ll keep making a killing
off children we perceive
as grown men and women
living to **** themselves
it’s how he makes a living

don’t him you belittle
for you are no different  

i know the thought makes you livid
you wish he was lined up and shot with the likes of him
but your white lies are their white lines
and the front lines in his line of business
so you would lie alongside and
wrong right
where you were digging

as far as i’m concerned
he’s not a man without substance
and one of much substance
one of few and far between
and certainly could you defeat

because while you let savages ravage me
he held my hand for free
and never demanded their standard fee
of an arm  
and a leg
and everything in between

.
Jul 2018 · 92
Untitled
absinthe Jul 2018
i am my arch nemesis
my soul: sole
object of my affection
absinthe Jul 2018
can you patch it up
my dreams are stuck
and it’s been a nightmare
given they don’t give up

fix it.

each bead it chips fell off
and smothered the chip
on my shoulder to dust
i’ve become cumbersome

like father
like sons
like my lust
for their love
and our love
for lost blood
Jun 2018 · 78
whatever
absinthe Jun 2018
cantankerous

dear mom
it’s your fault
i miss you
i wish you knew
each piece of each
morsel of my heart
beat
more than these pieces of paper do.

they embody my body
language
scattered
sporadic
mislabeled
man and mishandled
like me with
the three i
speak fluently
incompetent and ineffective
ly. suffixes that suffocate me
as ***-backwardly i
awkwardly demean
when i mean to
seek through them the
clarity
you misperceive.

i couldn’t tell you
why i’m me
or how i came to be
the part of we
you’d rather
weep over
as does one
with the dis-ease
of a disease
that precedes
the deceased.

weep not over me justifiably
just
if i believe
it’s not i
you bereave.

-

WEDNESDAY JUNE 27, 2018
02:04 AM
Jun 2018 · 650
unrestroom
absinthe Jun 2018
this bathroom floor tile
knows me better than you do
you slid through
and the caution
slippery when wet sign
you took is the only
difference between the two
pictures in the funny papers
mercury and magazines
now we’re all victims
and more confused
you refuse to breathe the life you took
back into me
like my restless tears refuse to keep this filthy floor clean
Jun 2018 · 135
codependency
absinthe Jun 2018
he can’t stand me in the daytime
then with the sunset so does his fight
and i see the sadness
in his eyes
that along with mine
elopes to pause time
hoping to intertwine  
yeses and nos in our minds
back and forth
swinging like see saws
south and north
sing me to sleep
with your arms
till the grip of your palms
lets me in peace
rest
like i so often
dream

-end
absinthe Jun 2018
does it directly
affect me
or arouse sympathy
i have to screen
what i hear
i need to keep
from feeding
the screams
that used to
use me
i was used
to losing
to them
like my sleep
and me
once i lose
all my dreams
i warned
of how i’d be
and today they see
i mean well
till i mean
to be me
mean

nightmares say
i’m inspiring
nightmares say
they thought
i was only real
in their dreams

now they believe
in miracles
in me
May 2018 · 124
us
absinthe May 2018
us
i’m worn
like these scars
that won’t let go
even when i go
why because

the show must go on
always of course
never off course
even if i’ve been
off
cloning the track
that lacks foot molds
in an ongoing
marathon

no one warned me
of what would come
from wars
we would’ve won
had i
thought
all the ones
i lost
could
have been
mine and yours

now all that’s ours
is the loss  
they keep saying
they’re sorry for
May 2018 · 102
the pleasantries
absinthe May 2018
he embezzled thousands
of me
endlessly
dressed in no
skin
resembling
white sheep

the wolves insist
it’s not him
incessantly
investors with cheeks
pen checkered checks
and i bleed

their flushed flesh
left me
and for a full year
i sat and still weep
overfilled till deep
i pressed down on me
to let my heart beat
me free as those tears
i now let leak leaps

the shepherd believes
he breeds herds of meals
who tell him they teeth
on sights of him meek
i hear him repeat
this isn’t me

a bitter pill
is better sweet
reality
is bittersweet

perhaps i’m him
and he is me
and all along
the wolves
were sheep
May 2018 · 167
child
absinthe May 2018
misspelled
what i meant
so well
my cell
saw no reason
to check
choke
child*
who am i
to protest
synonyms

believe me
even my best
most seemingly sweet
intentions have stemmed
from seeds i can’t stress
as less than selfless
at best
absinthe May 2018
why care.

or claim
i can’t wait
for it to end
yesterday felt
the same

and what’s tomorrow
but yet another today
Apr 2018 · 76
Untitled
absinthe Apr 2018
happy to be sad
wouldn’t it be different
were i to be indifferent
if i have to have happy
as nonexistent
and haphazardly
corner myself in between
apathy and agony
not in-distant
i’m insistent  
that if neither
and each must
be me
for me
and to me
i’m happy here
with indifference
Apr 2018 · 92
without fail
absinthe Apr 2018
to try
without fail
never is to triumph
always is to fail

without fail.
Mar 2018 · 86
it's not never too late
absinthe Mar 2018
i can't live down
how i don't live up
to the level
of love

i compete
with a she
i can't see
and that
they won't show me

so instead i leave
and them to grieve
and me to dig deep
the grave
for when
the grave
agony
lets me leave

please

let me leave
Mar 2018 · 75
r.i.p.
absinthe Mar 2018
push me to the edge of my seat
sit me on the tip of my tongue
tilt till i trip to spill brims i overfilled
creaking on the verge of pent up tears
and brinks of insanity that ceased to be

i freed the fear
and felt my fleeting feet
flee to defeat
the feat of defeat

as days i see
decrease
and time on me
decrees
indefinite sleep
in peace
i for once and finally
can rest
at ease
deceased
Mar 2018 · 80
spring cleaning
absinthe Mar 2018
i swept yesterday under the rug
let horrors of tomorrow interrupt
and the love they say today erupts
every new day from dusk to dusk
hates how i lay here dulled by dust
Mar 2018 · 79
dare
absinthe Mar 2018
lying
like i’m smiling
trying to find
the fine line
lining all
across the truth
hear how my heart
here hoped to die when
tyrants tried
my tired mind and
mine wasn’t
triumph
tell my youth
sing in the silence
break into timing
see
truth wasn’t lying
when she swore on
me and you
she’d die when
our time did
it never lies
this time
it’s true
Feb 2018 · 76
saltwater
absinthe Feb 2018
a highly praised one
raised right by my homemade love
came to shame the pain we come from

time’s been and still is too tough
i drink enough till i think i’m enough
fill my gut till i’m drunk on your love

just enough
to forgive
my blood

like my heart drops
my tears form clots
and the humming stops

i can’t sink or sing anymore
write or stream my ink anymore
i think it unlinked from my thoughts

i don’t think
i can outrun its bars
my verdict from the world

i’m not what they deserve
vermin in their herd
i heard

im what makes
their perfect
imperfect

so summon my courage
kiss my sober kosher thoughts
till i sink slow to kiss this morbid
ocean floor.
Feb 2018 · 78
seven minutes
absinthe Feb 2018
not in heaven
but when i must admit
myself to hell it’s
been where wit’s end exists

i need a drink
the double vision it
sets me on a single path
where there’s no room for quits

it’s true the price is this
cancerous abyss
of self-absorbedness
but sad certain agony
is better than inconsistent bliss
Jan 2018 · 86
you're it
absinthe Jan 2018
stay
unless you've gone
then stay
until you've known  
that weak is not calm
and strength is not war
and hard hearts are strong
but strongest of all
are those who love all
for first they broke
and then they thawed
and then they found
peace in their warmth.
chic[ag]o
chica[go]
chica[gone]


please don't go....
Jan 2018 · 76
the day of judgment
absinthe Jan 2018
someone wake up
i've been sitting here
near the first stair
someone must be up

there's this thin ceiling
in between
beneath
you
me

i know you've never seen
my nose or my eyes seep
anywhere near the bottom

but this red sea
is the bled tears
i've shed relentlessly
second after century

i know you hear my screams
if i shout any louder
i'll see more sharply

so don't brush them off
come up with unjust cause
or rush to judge
your gut's wise walls

who are you
to hush
God.

nothing
like me
so please
descend from heaven
past hell and into me

love
nothing
like
me
silence me
set me free

and i will love
nothing
like
you
eternally
Dec 2017 · 109
exported goods
absinthe Dec 2017
i am what you see
a product of he and she
the me of which you dream
your sealed eyes set you free
i agree
alternatively  
is mere reality
evil  
ecstasy
and all eclipses in between
are revealed

sleep
stay where you lead

i too will stay
but here
as I am
all along
then and now
i have and will be
standing  right
here
Nov 2017 · 109
wishes
absinthe Nov 2017
move along
once i’m gone
i won’t long
to thaw my palms
or arm my thoughts
with warmth

i want more
than to move
calloused hearts
up in arms
like mine
in arms
cup my palms

frozen
purple

all but my heart
but always at war
Nov 2017 · 322
my existence
absinthe Nov 2017
i can feel the crazy kicking in
kissing scrapes
my victim's suffering
scared shitless
shivering
splitting
like time
circling
around me
like rings of sharks
coming back
at once
for seconds

the ends of my hairs
are second guessing
their ends
like i do mine so often
wondering when
it’ll finally happen. extinction
the extent of my right
to expedite its presence
and whether i’ll be alright
feeling cheated
and leveled
knowing there’s no
hell
but there’s also
no heaven.
Nov 2017 · 103
addiction
absinthe Nov 2017
the thing that distorts reality
till reality distorts my love for
it
Oct 2017 · 112
the dreams of nightmares
absinthe Oct 2017
i don’t follow
and won’t lead
if my dreams
chase after me
at night
i won’t lose

no sleep
and i will feel free
aimlessly seeking the street
sign so no one sees
dimly lit lights live

where nightmares strip me
of all i claim to be
then embrace my body
followed by me chasing them
when they threaten to leave
i claim to tease
when on i still lead

in reality
they know all
that i am
for them
my reality
is the dream
Oct 2017 · 131
tomorrow is another day
absinthe Oct 2017
if i die today
and you
and the rest
are okay
with us estranged
then i’m ok
and the rest
of my days
will lay safe

my winning wrists
insisted i don’t resist
their dire desire
to emulate
nooses

it used to be
a mere fantasy
but the notion
of perpetual sleep
has won me over

i drag my silhouette
pretending all is well
like drags from my cigarette
i'm cancerous to myself
we're both just smoke
and slaves to myself

i love him too much
perhaps he was right
though he was wrong
about only one thing
Him

i fall asleep
and wake to tears
that torture me
i can’t take one more night
i won’t take one more day

so i will take it all away

tell mama she was always right
goodnight.
Sep 2017 · 186
vacations
absinthe Sep 2017
maybe i don’t deserve to be stable
my mind always did love wandering
yet somehow
it never embraces changes

needless to say
the thin veil crowning my brain
faded
when i replaced it
with red pins and needles
but one too many
led to sudden and mass vacation

after all my hard work
hours of painting

bars
the pillars of our cages

i always did love to wander-
lust was taking my saneness  
i left a piece of me behind
after every visitation to strangers
and i wonder how it is today
that my thoughts take me nowhere

when they’re in a million different places
Sep 2017 · 110
see
absinthe Sep 2017
see
God
get me out of my own head
please
keep me out of my own way
i
stay awake to fall asleep
pray
i won't see the day
i see

but the week/weak
never cared
just like me
till today

today
i see
Aug 2017 · 274
high vices with high prices
absinthe Aug 2017
i lie to him
he lies to me
side by side we lie
till i fall asleep
and he leaves

he always knows
never to come over
unless i need to heal
after his hands beat me
but better yet
he always knows
to leave when it's all over

so when the sky turned over
as did i when i rolled up
so lonesome and more broken
and less so because this morning
i had his rough hands controlling
my thoughts to claim i caused it

i hold them both to console us
and all fours know that i'm sordid
i hear him calling my phone
his tone shows me he's been gone

my nightstand dead men
show me it's over
and now i can't lie
or stand being sober
Aug 2017 · 198
overelapse
absinthe Aug 2017
the venn diagram of conscious decisions

to drink: achieved through a state
of self-inflicted unconsciousness
rapid.
pleasurable.

to think: achieved through a state
of self-imposed consciousness

slow

tortuous



the overlap: interchangeable
two means too fatal
in reality
insanity resides in the latter

i may be a sadistic cynic
but i am no *******  
i'm too selfless
or selfish
synonyms....

do clichés not instigate
infinite plagues

so why put off until tomorrow
what yesterday
could have hypothetically
assassinated all
my future-former sorrow

it would have been excellent then
to begin embarking on my end
though it's ok
i hear they also state
that never is never not better than late
and how i love to double up
on shots and my many
mesmerizing negative mind states

thus
once the ex exits
what next best exists  
than the first
if not its successive fail
the second in line
and what time most prime
to quit
more so
than me
while i'm behind

**** a sober mind.
Aug 2017 · 126
magic
absinthe Aug 2017
knights take shots
trying to steal my heart
steel it was till it was not

so let the sun tell them
no man's son can rob
what’s been long lost

gone
Jul 2017 · 118
where babies come from
absinthe Jul 2017
inhale
exhale*
stop.

next...
Jul 2017 · 123
the meaning of
absinthe Jul 2017
life
is nothing

but a too tedious
to-do list

i’m forced to fulfill
for forcibly living

i'd have at-will in it enlisted
with as much passion as that with which

today i wish to exist.

- endless
Jul 2017 · 106
mankind: unkind
absinthe Jul 2017
heaven is not on earth
but it is insulted
because only hellfire
knows of injustice
Jul 2017 · 108
camaraderie
absinthe Jul 2017
how come you and me
two who’ve
never met nor swapped sentences manage
to share snark remarks
restless in our respective heads
with no respect for one another’s existence
only contempt
it’s not so with any of the others
strangers acquaintances or lovers
we share something so rare and more special
absolute oblivion untainted by rumors or manufactured societal whispers

i know you reel your bridge wobbly bridge up
when i can feel the joints in me grow feeble
as i sit crippled fixed and fixated facing my window
rear
view mirror pointed at my own picture
in constant and consistent self reflection
conquering me and who am i but my self image
the glass always did manage
to drive me insane while as i drive away
never knowing where always lost
and failing to distract the tailgating tears
that fixate on me in a manner familiar to the see through glass protecting and destroying me simultaneously
when so often as i do
i set my gear in rear to feed my view
with the daily purpose i succeed to achieve as i creep routinely
sealing
concealing
you
my blinds always convened at the zenith near the ceiling but me
blind as can be at the mastermind in my head that never doesn’t lie to me
perhaps on my deathbed if it’s cruel as me
she’ll ever so gracefully reveal
the futility of my mastery
existence
sat in the same seat
villains use for immortal rule
or so i believed
until she interrupts flashes of my life as it reels transiently
and i hear white noise
precede pictures of my enemy
not the one who consumed every day and week
but me
last in line
in the rear
like the rectangle red as my hand is
that i’d moved foolishly
when it came on the four wheels  
voluntarily convincingly and connvivingly
propelling my apathy as i tell havoc i wreaked to thank me for sloppily reconvening pieces of piece but only if they come to me at a time of conveniency

and as i let the last breath leave
i weep in agony
it tells me won’t cease lest i voice humility
and in the ashes of my pride
and defeat
i stand mistaken ready tremblingly

and as the last breath leaves me
i am forced to face myself for the first time truthfully
despite the absence of shards or glass  
i wheeze my insignificance
and its ancestors i ungratefully inhaled for years on end
leaving the atmosphere with nothing but negative air
known to devils as credit
and the naive indebted
i move it to check one last time
the status of the pests i’d see whenever i took one second to check if i’d yet received my privacy  
and it returns the gesture by in turn moving me

and as i lie here
losing touch with reality
and the air you breathe
absentmindedly
i burden chooses to leave me
and i know i defied physics
because until now
never have i truly breathed

and as you lie to me
blind that you are not me
but i am you
foolish
in the fake truth
that i lie here
when i no longer do

one day you too as i have
will have learned the lesson
taken the final
passed
and finally
as i have now
passed
you have yet to meet it
but there is a heaven

in time
you too
like me
will see it:

sleep.
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