like my vehicle's exterior
i keep chipping away
and my cuticles won't heal
and my sick beak won't let them be
and they seep the color of my machine
but the burgundy never hinders me
i'm distant, it's why

i'm so driven.

i get no brakes
my right sole estranged me
it's not just the outside
decaying slowly
it stopped stopping
at my ****** bedsheets
it's festering.
i'm still peeling
desperately
all because

i'm so driven.

i'm still trying
to get to a place
where i feel content
but i just learned,
it's nonexistent.
why the ****
didn't they tell me
why did no one spoil me
by ruining my hope eternally
when they reveal that
it lives exclusively
in tables of content
and children's fantasies?
nonetheless,

i'm so driven.

my grip on my path
and this steering wheel
in my hand
face insanity.
there's no stopping me.
we'll stand divided
when together we give up
using the weak, pressing
their skulls with our feet
giving audiences that all
resemble one another
the illusion of highness,
of mightiness,
and stature,
and elevation.
but the ones with the
goodness and pure intent
end up broken
incapacitated
decapitated
aphasic
like history X—
—sure, they've submitted
but it's long past due dates.
they'll give up inevitably
like their blinkers, for me
they'll burn out in solidarity
and i'll feel better,
i know

i'm so driven

we’re incapable of looking up
or seeing the sun
when united we're falling
we'll always be too busy
competing with others' grips on rocks
incapable of epiphanies like the fact
that facing catastrophes in unison
doesn't change the ultimate reality
that we face impending doom alone but

i’m
so
*******
driven

to drive others to the ground
to make us history
to draw x’s
and plant pennies on eyelids
we've let it blind us
social desirability
is a one-way street
to three times two feet
beneath roads unpaved

to catalyze the torturous process
and injustice and cruelty
i drop more of my pieces'
readers off in the same spot
as i find myself,
more
lost

maybe then they'll be
indifferent like me,
in denial, too,
certainly, then,
they'll attempt
speaking to skies
chanting hymns and psalms
and similar reaffirmations
any maybe then, they'll look to me
then we'll all sing in harmony
and

"i'm so driven”

will be music to my ears

and before i gasp
to fill my pink air sacs
with more gas,
i will let it be known
that i am to credit for
the eternal peace
the mortality
of the cancer
that is humanity
and united
and divided
we'll all stampede
and get tangled in our minds
in webs too thick
to pass for silk roads
and the only thing we'll know
is that we won’t be abandoned
once we tailgate our neighbors
that find themselves stuck
between rocks and hard places
and the only direction in sight
is the former, so they pray
take a leap of faith
and
off
  cli
    ff-
     ha
       ng
         e
          r
          s
          .
        . ¨. .

show me novel ways
let’s shovel up old graves
my inhumane unveils
revives former dull flames

and i see the beauty arson hides

i always never did at times
set indecisiveness aside
if for nothing other than the sake
of confronting fronts i fake

unearth wrath of the plague
at times i sideline my sides humane
and as much as i hate
these dark scars
i’m
not
    unfair

like the first degree burns
my skin scrapbooked back when
i took the scenic route down my path
and watched it turn each page to ash

though it showed me much more
when i saw paradise and its light
and it taught me new morals
when it told me that the only
way to see the light
is by cruising through the fire

as is arson's ignited flames
scaring strangers to pain
while behind curtains you and i sit
engulfed in light that grows
more beautiful the darker it gets

i incarcerated my favorite
hummingbird
i okayed it.
i entitled myself to confine it
in calloused cages

but it no longer flies
and it won't sing
my humdrum
hummingbird
has failed me

i pried open its gate
it insisted on insulting my pride
it estranged me when
it stayed in its place
placid as the melodies
it no longer hums or plays

it mocks me--
my existence
like the world did
till i persevered
now nothing affects me

but this thing...
this feeble thing
thinks it can challenge me?
i doubt its persistence
and if nothing else,

i'm confident
in its clipped wings

- end

walk me down your streets
take me to your sheets

because all i want to see
is someone else, content
off of my mind's absence
someone else content
from all my mind's absence

and all i want to be
is somebody's happy
and all my Bacardi
is for my lungs  
is for my intestines

and i can't die
and i can't die...

and i can't hide
your stares

here i sit
flask in hand
swigs can mask until
they can't
    i found myself
lost
at sea
sinking in my seat
remembering
how i'd fall back
in line with the
             b
       r        o
                  k
          en
children--
how i'd chant
count down in silence
   inch by inch
   face to face
with myself

how in arms we fight
and how it's armed with
my weakness
how its dark abyss
and how it
whispers afflictions
its armed itself
with their words
reflected
and in one breath
we harmonize
i need fixing

so i fixate
on these images
my eyes project
and reflect on
how i'm nothing

but a byproduct
of a pair of
broken white wings
with intentions
that contrast
their execution
they're so
toxic
so...
               perfectly
        mis
              matched
and as the toxins swinging
inside of me
take full advantage
of my churning gut
feeling it out
as if it's a hammock...
i have

full intentions
of swinging swigs
till i can't stomach
thoughts of obeying
my severed gut's instincts
every day
they lure me closer
to the edge of the cliff

and i have
full
intentions
of
swishing swigs
till the body-wide search
for my humanity
is abandoned
and i can finally live
and
the sound
of my own screams
can no longer
be heard.
because they're
being drowned
brutally
but ever so eloquently
in comparison
to how i'm drowning
myself
in swigs.

live as if
you have nothing
of everything

i don't love you.
just love feeling...
                           you
              lift me high
           for an instant
      when you touch
     my battered skin.
until then, after that
  i
   am
         just
indifferent.

let me pick your brain
show me your grey
maybe then i’ll do the same

****** me with the gin
you hide behind your grin
maybe then you’ll have me

overwhelmed
by the beauty in your ugly
oh, i thirst for a taste of truth
lies burden your chest, whet
my flesh, maim my chained head

see your reflection?
how your ugly makes you lovely

pound me down on my knees
beat me, ravage me, unleash
the savage you’d meeked

loosen me, wear me thin
widen my heartless mind
strong-arming might make me feel

make me your canvas
paint me with blood-red,
master

me,
shatter my heart to pieces
it makes masterpieces better, i’m

overwhelmed
by the beauty in your ugly
oh, i thirst for a taste of you
why burden your chest when
i beg, thrive on unrest

see your reflection?
how i’m what makes you lovely

******* mothers
embraced  us.

we were conceived
from specimens--
one mr
one mrs--
presumably
intelligent.

misconceptions
mask reality.

we exist...

if for nothing
but to compete
in a sick game
of
who will withstand
the most pain
if for no
objective
other
than to
reinforce
to the collective
that if nothing,
we are comprised
of nothing

but
sad

selfish

backstabbing  

failures.

behold
the shackles
my knuckles
fiend for.

ghosts i see
inhale me deep
they never let me
go to sleep

still im stealing--i'm a thief
the beast feasting
between my thighs
muffles my cries.

as it tells tales,
juvenile

wholesome before
fearful, seldom
moving forward

my bedspread
kicks me to couches
on grounds of love
that splinter
like my bored head,
backwards

still they’re stealing
myself from me
demons veiled, they're
feeding my lies
they make me vile

and years go by
i’m alive
fearful before
fearless--now i
can reign pawns

lo and
behold
the muzzles
my morals
adorn.

thoughts...
they seethe

put me at ease,
i never let them
go of me.
no one's stealing
my sins from me

eerie cries call
as moonshine dies
(they)
bring me to life
and for moments
juvenile

i'm numb no more,
fearsome
of none
but the morn

lo and
behold
the shackles my knuckles
fiend for

ghosts
i see
inhale me deep
they

never let me
never let me
never let me go
                       to
                       sleep.

it's those
who feel
the need to help you
the most
who don't feel.
it's they
who need
(your) help
the most

i am they
and i don't feel
but still i hear
their
   ah...
of relief

again
i am
    

     empty

and how i wish
i could learn
how to breathe
if once
one sigh
of relief

- end

a son of adam
disguised as satan
was the wise man
who once advised me
when i asked him
i'm frightened, see,
i see demons nightly
i'm so scared
of the monsters when
they come to haunt me.
aren't you relating to
what you hear from me?
is there a god above us, absinthe?
yes
is he who made the sun, and
does he protect believers?
yes
so when the daytime leaves us
does he abandon children
because his sun is sleeping?
no

but what about us daughters,
Father
because the sun seems partial
to the Sons of Adam

i have only
one lonely
component
of moments
altogether, they make the misnomer
we all **** every morning,
every time we call it
time

i’m in bed, thinking
of my child--
past,
my mistress--
future,
and my husband--
present.

do i manifest it
in the most innocent victims
in my kin, keeping
their necks bent backwards,
twisted
twenty-four, seven
for no reason other
than my (sub?)conscious,
its viciousness i keep
feeding, nursing it
with ****** breastmilk
   i keep reminiscing and reliving
   my initiation moments
   ago, when she forced my transition
   from visions of halos
   visible in the distance
   to a new life witnessed
   from a higher elevation measured
   in mere feet, in measly inches
   all its symptoms
   hosting the syndrome
   we selfishly love scapegoating
   as the capital of sweden

or do i invest it in secret
in a potential haven
its instantaneous
gratification
purposely overlooking
my infernal husband
   i see him, vivid
   his eyes gleaming, livid
   while he's smiling, living
   in pure bliss, the image
   of him standing
   in the background
   oxymoronically
   observing
   with a rigid south
   that defies physics
   and hails northbound
   like my eyes when they widen
   allowing my peripheries
   to admit the bigger picture
   and finally i get it

or do i intertwine
his fingers with mine
give in and follow through
with vows
so
black
i had to contrast them with white
   by draping
   over my shoulders what i'd only seen before when
   time, my fashionably late ******
   snuck into my room and ravaged innocence
   it was mariana trench grim
   even the moon couldn't take it
   watching her stab
   the white sheets,
   in blackness
   hearing my eerie screams
   as my innards leave me
   and suddenly i embrace
   the potent beauty of a venomous snake
   the gleaming power that hate plagues
   so together we'd watch them bleed red
   sitting. but that was moments past
   now i carry the horrid legacy
   of mastered maleficence
   how to manipulate it
   beneath a veil that hates evil
   and it still tempts me...

that's why i did it
wore white and feigned interest
to distract the morbid being
hiding deep within, rotting, festering
i put it all together when i broke
at the hands of a monster
who created a fraternal clone
by instigating an innocent sadist
a different species
i can drain us all, together
in a brutal whirlwind
of failing, of indecision

if only
the moon had made it
if only the sun had listened
and rescued me
instead of insisting
that shining on time
was out of style
but its prerequisite
was no compromise
instead it trapped me
in a sinister dungeon  
because taking orders
from a subordinate
is a demeaning price
higher than
the cheap little girl
bleeding, crying
she carries no significance
she's falling behind
just like the future
of an otherwise worthy existence
just like my mistress --
future
my husband--
present
and my child --
   passed
now
nothing
matters.
it's only
a matter
of time
until we all die

after all,
we had it
all, stolen
or otherwise
yet instead,
we spent
our whole lives
torturing each other
and killing time.

- end

i ran for days
broke my back along the way
twisted my neck
became spineless
but i don't care

i let my mind race
and felt my nerves break
now they keep me awake
but i don't care

i asked you to be my backbone
i hate you for walking away
i need my back brace
now i have no support

then i thought about my waist
and the aches
and the resilient body
holding my head high

if only i knew
how to be my own backbone
like the spine that holds me
and lets me walk
and supports me

maybe then
i would care

about me

- end

you ****** me up.
you broke my bones.
i helped you.
i let them be.
i didn't breathe a word to a
single
soul.

i don't know why.
only eight years
old.

sure, i've grown
anatomically
but that's all.

you'd be so proud of me--
how i carry your legacy.  
but it's not you
who ***** me up

any
more.

shelter from—not host of
hostile words
and shattered hearts

can i hate him
when he can't fathom the thought
of anyone
doing otherwise
to begin with

admitting weakness is true strength.

when you are lost and doors are closed, run
to those who spare voices and spread arms  
because empty words leave gaping holes
and broaden the void consuming your whole

but they are umbrellas that shield you from
the acid rain that defaces your face

they never use you,
only their arms

they never leave you,
only armed

always
unharmed

- end

i could've been anything
you made me your everything
then you left like it was nothing
i tried to go back, to be something

i was withdrawing, but i kept trying

i could’ve been something
but you delayed my denial
then forced me to face my insides
now i sit, staring at nothing

and i’m still withdrawing

- end

we are what we hate
you say stop acting this way

asking why i'm somebody  else
whenever i start to shed my shell

i guess we really are exactly what we hate
and maybe really for me all i am is...

myself.

- end

i'm not scared of men with dark skin
creeping alleyways at night when they're vacant
i lose no sleep over masked liquor store strangers
or women we call ****** limping
lifelessly with red knees
feeling low and ever so shameful

you would feel the same way
your world would be rearranged

but you've never felt a ghost's haunts years later
yesterday is today, it still creeps your alleyways when you're vacant
and you've forgetten what sleep is yet somehow remember you need it
and it's the reason you and liquor stores never were strangers
they make it easy when you ***** around if only to convince yourself  
that women really just never were your thing

and that at least today you're limping
lifelessly with red knees feeling
low but never as shameful

- end

do you know
why babies scream
soon as their lungs
begin to breathe?

could you tell me
why old men smile
lying on deathbeds
exhaling life?

i think we gasp as
soon as we leave
our sole protection
that's when some of us
inhale hard, some
harder than others
and from then on
depending on
how much we let
into our lungs
we spend our lives
exhaling slowly
for days on end

until the end  
when we find ourselves
lying on deathbeds

we scream no more
no,
we smile instead
exhaling faster
because we know
we have nothing
to fear in life

after death.

- end

why don't you call me
just to talk
why don't you enlighten my eyes
with the electric sparks of your mind
why can't i find you
when you're near me
and why do you feel closer
the farther you are

the calm never did suit me.
                                                
           i thrive

on
      chaos

the ease i feel tonight
is so unfamiliar

            beware
                         tomorrow's
                riot.

it will be
a
      beautiful

              blood red
                 canvas.

two years ago
i picked up a book of poetry
i turned each page carefully

two hours ago
i picked it up again
i read its words slowly

i have never seen this book before

- end

dear calamities,

thank you for whipping me with leather belts,
they left but i still beat myself

thank you for tearing my family apart,
they left but my flesh's still sitting behind bars

and thank you for all the times you broke my heart
they left but i'm still sitting behind bars

cheers,
absinthe

p.s. i'd be blind without your darkness

soulmates:
        two
        poems
        written in
one
language
spoken by
only
        two

i am illiterate
my soul
its mate
both:
         nonexistent  

- end

whenever it frustrated me
the remote control
i'd smack it on the floor
       sometimes it worked
       never for long

i'd get more worked up
hit it then rip the plastic off
take the batteries out
replace them then try
to slide the cover back on

it'd displease me more
so i'd repeat my first approach
they say don’t fix it if it ain’t broke
so i'd smack it harder on the floor  
that's when you'd step in to let me know
                      honey, nothing ever comes by  force
                      you have to learn how it works first before
                      taking action or using your fist impulsively
                      otherwise you’re likely to cause more harm than    
                      harmony

that moment was                 remote
unlike your love for control
that shows most whenever

                      i frustrate you and you
                              smack
                                 me
                           on the floor

- end

to build an edifice
from the ground, up
you have to dig at first
from the ground, down

we marvel at skyscrapers

we break our necks for them
they supersede white clouds
the higher up they rise
the lower down they’ve been

that's why you marvel at me

- end

dear b,

i haven't written about you in a while
my white paper hasn't seen black ink in a while

i wonder if i should get it over with
speed the ball up
my head is rolling head-on
in the direction of storms
any way
i wonder if you still think about me

   do you still love me?


i catch myself laughing sometimes
but my tailgating tears never leave
me enough time when they crash into me
it feels like treason whenever i reveal my teeth
to anyone except you, b
i'd trade them all for you in a
heartbeat, if my heart beat

i wish my tears would stop
holding memories in each drop
like when we'd
share sore stomachs
and teary eyes
for all the right reasons
not for reasons like mine
from too much laughter
and not enough sleep
and junk food
and bad tv
and midnight 7-11 runs
and smoke breaks
and made up words
and
i can keep going
just like my tear ducts
i wish the void you'd left me
was in my tear ducts
i’ve even turned to black
just to feel like you and
we feel
    so
weak
i need you here with me
i feel my insides churn
i keep withdrawing
i wish b was for black
then the pain would make sense
i'm even crying as i write this, b
maybe this is the only way
at least that’s what they all say
but i can't help but think of you alone
in that lifeless room

just please promise me
you'll come back one day
i’m growing
impatient, b
why won't i stop bleeding
but it's ok, b
i don’t mind waiting
for you i’d wait more
if there was more than
eternity

sincerely,
your biggest enemy

i never knew there was a point
worse than wishing for death
until i met
indifference.

- end

we
are** far
too
lazy

hate
is all
too
easy

that
is why
to-
day

we
obey
the
******

- end

mother and father speak french
each with different dialects
they cause misunderstandings

big brother speaks greek
little brother, turkish
they might as well be strangers

i speak Jin (Chinese)
in my own home i live
with foureign members

the barrier between us causes battles
as if we were calloused enemies
all i wanted was to live in peace

so i went on to learn french dialects, two
greek and turkish, to(o)
promote room for healthy growth

i stood outside its door
looked down at my two feet and saw
a doormat reading "communication"

i had to step on it
so i could take a step forward
the worst part was seeing
foureigners uniting
to fight a common ene(me)
but i was determined
i though peace worked
so i worked for peace

but now i dread the trip home each night
and still i drive to a foreign land
till one day i jumped over the mat

and into the room to see
new embroidery on the wall
ever so eloquently reading

"make war not love"
in Jin (Chinese).

- end

i sleep on the ceramic floor each night
to keep the creases in my bedsheets intact
i never knew you were an artist
till the day you painted them and left.

- end

dear father,

remember when i was tender-hearted
and small enough to sit on your lap?
we'd watch the pink panther
and you'd keep laughing

distracted
down to earth
and happy

do you remember that, dad?

well, while you laughed
and sat me on your lap
you'd watch pink panther
and i'd watch you and i'd be

distracted
high in clouds
and happy

to sit on the lap of the pink stone that was...

distracted
down to earth
and happy

...my daddy

-end

step into my office, take a seat
come talk to me
tell me about your disease
your anxiety and your shaky knees
your addiction to drugs
even in your dreams

I'm the best at what I do and I know it

i see
i hear
i mend you
help you heal
your pain and agony
but what if i told you
a secret
one guaranteed to lead you
straight back under black's blanket

                                                        i'm a fiend                
                               i get my fix all day for free
       in fact, i get checks made out in my name
                    the more i use, the more i'm paid

I am the best at what I do and I do know it

i do see
i do hear
i do mend you and
help you heal
but what i don’t do is
feel.
that's why once i help you and i see
you sober and well and clean

i will break you and watch you bleed
you will feed my sadistic disease

that could be you if you were
me
a sociopath
too smart for streets or pharmacies
so inhumane
enough so to fiend
for a scot-and-drug-free DOC
for
your pain and agony.

- end

i’m looking for clyde  
together we'll **** time
he’ll distract me with his AK
i’ll use him and he'll know it
but he'll be OK with it

i want him to know
that i
don't want you to know
that i
care as much about you as
i do

and we’ll both be lying
it’s never one sided
i'll distract him with my problems
he’ll use me and i'll know it
and i'll have no problem with it

he wants me to know
that he
doesn’t want bonnie to know
that he
cares as much about her as
i do
about you

- end

i'd tell 8 year old me
that she is strong
and that right is never
ever
wrong
i’d save her (from a) life  
catch her nightmares
and her plagued thoughts
her daily mournings  
and high mornings
and her struggles
in reminiscing
and fixating
over little clothes
she used to own
o n e  d i s t a n t  d a y
in a land far
                      far
                           far
away
that were once like her
free
and free
of stains

- end

stay up with me please
stay silent like me
let’s be quiet like death
let’s live as one in peace
i want to hear you breathe
just let me hear you
    exhale
  inhale
    exhale
  inhale
stay, i’m so restless
my headrest, your chest
resurrects me beneath stars
just let me listen, please
you help me just by breathing
just let me hear you
    exhale
  inhale
    exhale
  inhale
i feel your heart, it pounds  
my ears pound with its throbs
the pounding in my head
beats down my heart’s rhythm
but there's peace in your breath
just you can hear me
  inhale
    exhale
  inhale
    exhale
    stay up with me please
    your beatings mend my pieces
    i’ll meet death halved and peace-less  
    if for one moment you leave me
    with lungs that gasp for air
    and no exhales to breathe in

- end

shy away from the negativity, i don't care
i used to but i can see you'll see your day
and even though i wish i was a malicious *******
i pray reluctantly that you find someone to bear your pain
when you see your day

- end

i have perfected
the art of acting

now my audience
is absent

i'm alone
with my reflection

it stares at me
with empty eyes

it leaves me
with no direction

- cut

you are one puzzle piece 
out of ten thousand others 
all linking arms
with adjacent neighbors 
you are missing—
absent-
minded and worthless
you are insignificant 

you are weak-minded
they have others
filling their crevices
each indifferent
to your presence
oblivious as to who you are 
or what you look like
you are stressing
that no one misses  
one tiny little piece 
among thousands of others
isolated and self-centered
too 
absent-
minded you have decided
that
you are insignificant 

i come in and
look at the bigger picture
but i am puzzled 
i can’t get past something  
nine thousand nine hundred 
and ninety-nine others 
but all i can see is
a picture so big
yet worth so little 
without you

- end