I feel neutral
My cat is purring
I have a type of love
And food
And a roof
Over my head

So why
Do I feel
So dead

I don't like sitting with myself
What is life
what is love
why is health

and if gratitude
depends on attitude
and art is what
life births itself

it's all too much
to think about
and suddenly
Heaven is hell

the only one
I care about
why, oh why
is it not myself

and if so
who do you live for
if nothing else

i don't know what you're up to tonight
i don't know what i'm up to most nights.

i ****** that guy the other night.
i couldn't tell you his name--first or last.
and i was ashamed to tell you at first--
but then it passed

and he doesn't care, or so it seems
and you are not there, so i'll stay here

ashamed and unabashed
by all my schemes

I love you so much
sometimes it hurts
but if i'm being honest
sometimes, it doesn't
sometimes...
it feels like nothing

i feel that cold shoulder of mine
get colder
I try to think of you
when you want to love
and to hold her
but the latter is the best you can get
and no love is left over

i'm sorry i'm like this.
I'm sorry we intertwist
often, i wish i was different
and as much as I fall for you,
i fall more for indifference

this hallway
impresses  
the stresses
in my head
the drama
of walking
finessing
on a thread

and what of
the traumas
and blessings
that I dread
makes walking
a straight line
impressive
if i'm dead

your belt
sits in a chest
under my bed

where your chest
met my head
atop of it.

neither my head
nor a chastity belt

i've felt

both rights of mine

like sunshine
in the valley of death

march 28 2021 at 2:26 AM

my heart cries
i hit these new lows
on this old drive
this passover
i'm on this overpass
passing over you
still i can't seem
to let the past go
or get over the past

or get over you

help me.
for if you
unleash me
upon myself
i would melt the heavens
and you’d freeze in hell.

May He forgive me for my role.
and my silence when you cried out for help
from me.

but hindsight
lagged behind
by a year
and that’s why
we’re here
where
20/20
is merely a year

i’m sorry i failed to see
what was right in front of me
i can’t say today
you’d be proud of me
because since you left
and it’s been just me here
i have yet to reflect
or face what’s left of me
let alone accept the rest
in peace
and so it will be
till you let me feel
you’ve accepted my apology
then we can rest in peace

i’m sorry
i’m sorry
i’m sorry

April 25, 2020 3:08am

life is too short
for cruel words

it’s too long
with cruel words

i hate how my heart
beats at the same rate
when yours make me hate you
for being the best you could create
and when they’ve shown me the shooting stars
that are the look of pride
upon your face
but above all
i hate
how though they equate
less than half a grain
of sand
in the bottom half of my hourglass
to date they were just enough
to get me up and through the day
where all i can wonder of
is if my time will come
when you’re too late or

i give up

from time to time i go blind
remember?
the one time?
i looked at you and felt jealous.
i didn’t realize
and wouldn’t have
hadn’t you told me that
you did the same
looking my way
at the same time.

and isn’t it sad
and hard to explain
as it is to understand
two mirrors
face-to-face can
see bright as day, all
then their own rays,
black.

i don’t know how to act

hey friend,

remember, when the wound
was more fresh
than the in-season blood-red
fruit wet on my flesh

it’s five fifty-two
and i’m here
where the sky’s blue
is premature
and the moon’s gone
too soon
stuck with jail cells
for brain cells

with and without you.

what are words with no soul
whats a soul with no cords
who am i when no one’s there
and my pillow instigates
let my bed sell
my head on
the futility of rays.

     im not ok.
     im not ok.
     im not ok.

i have secrets.
secrets
even my sleeves
don’t see fit
to wear out—
  so instead
  they wear me. i'm
  out and about
trying to find a way
to fit in
on my way out

dear mom.

i wish i could just talk to you
without having to play us both
or support your role
on a stage i set
all by myself
in exchange for a rested head

practice makes perfect
they said
but i perfected practice to death
i hope that explains why i left
and still head to the opposite end

where insane is the only right
i have left

and my head
a dead end
and my only
friend

hey dad
remember when i was
only half bad
sometimes i do
but right now i can’t feel
half bad

i’m hazmat
as your suit
has had
my pursuit
of you
seem half-assed

before i press repeat
i remind myself to rewind
the mind i pay you
after i try to rinse my hand

i’m either asleep
or dreaming of dreams
but never in between
like the white light
that beams
on its way to my heart
halfway down
the ashy stream

i hate a mess
but i’d hate
not seeing yours
all over my bedroom
floor
more

down on my knees.
i could be praying here.
instead
i’m preying on beasts
who prey on me.

pray for me

i’m in too deep.
drowning
in knee-deep tears
not nearly
as shallow as me.

you don’t get me
so you don’t get me
my knowledge of you
is barely rudimentary
and rue is a two way street

why did you beget me
only to regret me
forsake me
for your sake
i beg you

forget me
forget me

your fingertips outsink ships
my loose lips let slip

safety nets ripped
by ventriloquists twisted  
ripple effects affected
we inherited it
to trip or quadruple our
crippled-ness to depths infinite
abysses

if i’m not incorrect
those are my deformed forms
mine do detect
morphed to be torn between your two souls
as ours do so so well as well
how well illy we’re reflected

your heartbeat is ******
unredemeed and restless
as are feared our fearful existences
deemed rested contingent without exception
upon only our
respective
breathlessness
even graves can’t reject we the grave rejects

if life must be empty
my pens must be
its attempts at repentance
salvage my savagery by any means
just or unjust
just not at my hands expenses

and Father: take heed
beg mercy with sincerity

like sentences hence
life sentences end
and poets
us devils
from heaven
raise hell

bored in a beautiful palace
with waterfalls and hands uncalloused
was a bystander when it all happened
and in their happiness
they struggle to understand
me
hapless

You are not a breath of fresh air
but air itself.

i killed a man today
yesterday  
he was a child
and before then
was once inside one
meanwhile inside
her childish mind
he didn’t decide
her body wasn’t his
or go on to dismiss
the one on her side
or rid him from her insides

yet now we’re here
and it’s me he sits besides
my hands slide up
and down
his bedroom
eyes

was yesterday not just the other day
what’s tomorrow but just another today
and why is it i can kiss a man
at the same time  
i end his life

today i feel
particularly connected with
the plastic fake nail tip
that from its branch my hand disconnected
when it fell off of the bed with which it and i was blessed
the  days came and they went  
then the day came and they left
and my heart enraged felt neglect
like mine when they saved their own instead
and all that does change when chains react
is what the heart always felt
but the mind not yet accepted

and i set in ways with malice friends
took as so often do you
and us fools do by pride possessed
and watched them take what’s theirs as theft
sat meanwhile taking them for granted

and i too like it snapped and left an other half
scared half to death
and for the life of me
unhinged in my inability
to muster not
even one snake tear then again
ain’t these i see here
the same eyes with which she
summoned her last breath
begging me for help

i’ll take a life with slow death
waiting ahead at every bend
over this death
of a head
mine
wet with regret

dear baby bro,

i miss you so much. so much so
it doesn’t hurt anymore.
i keep trying to be everything bahi wasn’t to me
i think about my approach
i had a dream two nights ago
you came up to me
and said you can’t ignore me
anymore
i got so excited
and squeezed you so tight and
even though then you said this doesn’t mean
things are the way they were before
and suddenly it didn’t
not hurt anymore
i still had you to hold.
and the holes felt whole

i know i have to reassemble
what i broke.
and if it turns out your heart’s
missing a piece
because of the peace
my negligence broke off
just know
right after i’m through
putting mine together
my heart’s yours

sat next to the man with two phones
i asked him to hold my hand
and he laughed  

sitting in his ‘96 civic
for three hours we fell asleep
till six since three

he’s one of the many men
whose substance
far from the moral field
leaves many men with little substance
and you and me victims
of victims of you and me

he’s the type who feeds fiends
and he’ll keep making a killing
off children we perceive
as grown men and women
living to **** themselves
it’s how he makes a living

don’t him you belittle
for you are no different  

i know the thought makes you livid
you wish he was lined up and shot with the likes of him
but your white lies are their white lines
and the front lines in his line of business
so you would lie alongside and
wrong right
where you were digging

as far as i’m concerned
he’s not a man without substance
and one of much substance
one of few and far between
and certainly could you defeat

because while you let savages ravage me
he held my hand for free
and never demanded their standard fee
of an arm  
and a leg
and everything in between

.

i am my arch nemesis
my soul: sole
object of my affection

can you patch it up
my dreams are stuck
and it’s been a nightmare
given they don’t give up

fix it.

each bead it chips fell off
and smothered the chip
on my shoulder to dust
i’ve become cumbersome

like father
like sons
like my lust
for their love
and our love
for lost blood

cantankerous

dear mom
it’s your fault
i miss you
i wish you knew
each piece of each
morsel of my heart
beat
more than these pieces of paper do.

they embody my body
language
scattered
sporadic
mislabeled
man and mishandled
like me with
the three i
speak fluently
incompetent and ineffective
ly. suffixes that suffocate me
as ***-backwardly i
awkwardly demean
when i mean to
seek through them the
clarity
you misperceive.

i couldn’t tell you
why i’m me
or how i came to be
the part of we
you’d rather
weep over
as does one
with the dis-ease
of a disease
that precedes
the deceased.

weep not over me justifiably
just
if i believe
it’s not i
you bereave.

-

WEDNESDAY JUNE 27, 2018
02:04 AM

this bathroom floor tile
knows me better than you do
you slid through
and the caution
slippery when wet sign
you took is the only
difference between the two
pictures in the funny papers
mercury and magazines
now we’re all victims
and more confused
you refuse to breathe the life you took
back into me
like my restless tears refuse to keep this filthy floor clean

he can’t stand me in the daytime
then with the sunset so does his fight
and i see the sadness
in his eyes
that along with mine
elopes to pause time
hoping to intertwine  
yeses and nos in our minds
back and forth
swinging like see saws
south and north
sing me to sleep
with your arms
till the grip of your palms
lets me in peace
rest
like i so often
dream

-end

does it directly
affect me
or arouse sympathy
i have to screen
what i hear
i need to keep
from feeding
the screams
that used to
use me
i was used
to losing
to them
like my sleep
and me
once i lose
all my dreams
i warned
of how i’d be
and today they see
i mean well
till i mean
to be me
mean

nightmares say
i’m inspiring
nightmares say
they thought
i was only real
in their dreams

now they believe
in miracles
in me

i’m worn
like these scars
that won’t let go
even when i go
why because

the show must go on
always of course
never off course
even if i’ve been
off
cloning the track
that lacks foot molds
in an ongoing
marathon

no one warned me
of what would come
from wars
we would’ve won
had i
thought
all the ones
i lost
could
have been
mine and yours

now all that’s ours
is the loss  
they keep saying
they’re sorry for

he embezzled thousands
of me
endlessly
dressed in no
skin
resembling
white sheep

the wolves insist
it’s not him
incessantly
investors with cheeks
pen checkered checks
and i bleed

their flushed flesh
left me
and for a full year
i sat and still weep
overfilled till deep
i pressed down on me
to let my heart beat
me free as those tears
i now let leak leaps

the shepherd believes
he breeds herds of meals
who tell him they teeth
on sights of him meek
i hear him repeat
this isn’t me

a bitter pill
is better sweet
reality
is bittersweet

perhaps i’m him
and he is me
and all along
the wolves
were sheep

misspelled
what i meant
so well
my cell
saw no reason
to check
choke
child*
who am i
to protest
synonyms

believe me
even my best
most seemingly sweet
intentions have stemmed
from seeds i can’t stress
as less than selfless
at best

why care.

or claim
i can’t wait
for it to end
yesterday felt
the same

and what’s tomorrow
but yet another today

happy to be sad
wouldn’t it be different
were i to be indifferent
if i have to have happy
as nonexistent
and haphazardly
corner myself in between
apathy and agony
not in-distant
i’m insistent  
that if neither
and each must
be me
for me
and to me
i’m happy here
with indifference

to try
without fail
never is to triumph
always is to fail

without fail.

i can't live down
how i don't live up
to the level
of love

i compete
with a she
i can't see
and that
they won't show me

so instead i leave
and them to grieve
and me to dig deep
the grave
for when
the grave
agony
lets me leave

please

let me leave

push me to the edge of my seat
sit me on the tip of my tongue
tilt till i trip to spill brims i overfilled
creaking on the verge of pent up tears
and brinks of insanity that ceased to be

i freed the fear
and felt my fleeting feet
flee to defeat
the feat of defeat

as days i see
decrease
and time on me
decrees
indefinite sleep
in peace
i for once and finally
can rest
at ease
deceased

i swept yesterday under the rug
let horrors of tomorrow interrupt
and the love they say today erupts
every new day from dusk to dusk
hates how i lay here dulled by dust

lying
like i’m smiling
trying to find
the fine line
lining all
across the truth
hear how my heart
here hoped to die when
tyrants tried
my tired mind and
mine wasn’t
triumph
tell my youth
sing in the silence
break into timing
see
truth wasn’t lying
when she swore on
me and you
she’d die when
our time did
it never lies
this time
it’s true

a highly praised one
raised right by my homemade love
came to shame the pain we come from

time’s been and still is too tough
i drink enough till i think i’m enough
fill my gut till i’m drunk on your love

just enough
to forgive
my blood

like my heart drops
my tears form clots
and the humming stops

i can’t sink or sing anymore
write or stream my ink anymore
i think it unlinked from my thoughts

i don’t think
i can outrun its bars
my verdict from the world

i’m not what they deserve
vermin in their herd
i heard

im what makes
their perfect
imperfect

so summon my courage
kiss my sober kosher thoughts
till i sink slow to kiss this morbid
ocean floor.

not in heaven
but when i must admit
myself to hell it’s
been where wit’s end exists

i need a drink
the double vision it
sets me on a single path
where there’s no room for quits

its true the price is this
cancerous abyss
of self-absorbedness
but sad certain agony
is better than inconsistent bliss

stay
unless you've gone
then stay
until you've known  
that weak is not calm
and strength is not war
and hard hearts are strong
but strongest of all
are those who love all
for first they broke
and then they thawed
and then they found
peace in their warmth.

someone wake up
i've been sitting here
near the first stair
someone must be up

there's this thin ceiling
in between
beneath
you
me

i know you've never seen
my nose or my eyes seep
anywhere near the bottom

but this red sea
is the bled tears
i've shed relentlessly
second after century

i know you hear my screams
if i shout any louder
i'll see more sharply

so don't brush them off
come up with unjust cause
or rush to judge
your gut's wise walls

who are you
to hush
God.

nothing
like me
so please
descend from heaven
past hell and into me

love
nothing
like
me
silence me
set me free

and i will love
nothing
like
you
eternally

i am what you see
a product of he and she
the me of which you dream
your sealed eyes set you free
i agree
alternatively  
is mere reality
evil  
ecstasy
and all eclipses in between
are revealed

sleep
stay where you lead

i too will stay
but here
as I am
all along
then and now
i have and will be
standing  right
here

move along
once i’m gone
i won’t long
to thaw my palms
or arm my thoughts
with warmth

i want more
than to move
calloused hearts
up in arms
like mine
in arms
cup my palms

frozen
purple

all but my heart
but always at war

i can feel the crazy kicking in
kissing scrapes
my victim's suffering
scared shitless
shivering
splitting
like time
circling
around me
like rings of sharks
coming back
at once
for seconds

the ends of my hairs
are second guessing
their ends
like i do mine so often
wondering when
it’ll finally happen. extinction
the extent of my right
to expedite its presence
and whether i’ll be alright
feeling cheated
and leveled
knowing there’s no
hell
but there’s also
no heaven.