I get this feeling sometimes
In which I just feel like death is just around the corner;
So close,
Almost there.
I get so happy inside,
Finally my time has come.

But the moment never happens.
Because I am trapped here:
I am living in Hell.

Who knows, maybe I already did die.
And I somehow ended up in Hell
Being punished for my sins.

But you know what?
I don't know what i did to deserve this.
Any of this.

Really?
Is the torture really necessary?
Teasing me with small things that may,
At some point in time,
Make me happy.

Then taking it away from me,
Until i am left there,
Empty, worthless, broken.
I already don't want to be here.

Can you at least tell me what I did?
What I did to deserve all of this
Hatred, anger, towards myself

God help me.
If there even is a God
God, Zeus, Jesus, Abraham, whatever or whoever you are;

Why are you doing this to me?

What did I do?
Can you give me a sign.
A reason.

Why am I trapped?
Not dead,
Nor alive.

Why am I here?

Why am I chosen?

What did I do?

Why even create me in the first place,
When I have no point in being here.
I only cause people pain and misery in the end...

Why am I alive?

Why am I dead?

Why am I here?

Why me?

Left* and Right.
Always fighting for first place,
always wanting control.
Never having a say in who I am...
It's up to Left and Right to decide.

I'm split right down the middle,
with an invisible line.
No one on the outside can see
but on the inside,
Left and Right are completely different.

Left, full of love and happiness.
Right, nothing but hatred and death.



Left
Happy, cheerful, loving.
Beautiful, smiling, talented.
Confident, humorous, graceful.
Soft, balanced, free.
Carolyn.

Right
Ugly, mad, full of hate.
Evil, scarred, twisted.
Trapped, invisible, lost.
Angry, ******, disgraceful.
Abigayle.


When will they finally make up their minds,
Those Left and Right,
Who will I get to be?
When can I be at peace with myself,
or rather, when can we be at peace
with each other.

There is this evil being out there;
in which is always preventing me from happiness.
It's soul purpose is to make sure I am feeling pain,
feeling sadness or agony.
Sometimes, I feel like the evil being has subsided, has left,
and I can finally be happy.
I feel like it has become part of my past;
that I can move on and finally,
feel the light in which happiness brings.
Then, it comes out of nowhere and strikes me
like a bolt of lightning to my heart.
Then I feel the sadness that I am apparently meant to feel.

And even though I am growing terribly SICK of this terrible thing
ruining everything for me
I always fight it
knowing that someday,
I will win.
I will beat the evil being.
And I can't wait for that day to come.