i can see in your little ringlets clumped around your ears and pushed off your neck
how you tried so hard to stop him
and i can see your ***** and chewed-off fingernails
how difficult it was for you to leave
on a cold morning from his warm arms,
from those four walls, and the full kitchen, and the blankets and the coffee and the books.

you're brushing your teeth in the sink next to me
and you're not looking at the mirror
or anything.
your purse fell off the counter and a few things fell out
hairspray; a ballpoint pen; a tube of mascara; a bottle of water.
i don't know why these things were the only ones i remembered.
why didn't i look closer at your face?
because when i handed you your pen you didn't say anything,
just held open the bag and stretched your lips into an almost-smile.
i remember your bangs covering over half your face,
and i remember the cut just below the left half of your lips.

i remember the way your permanently-damp skin clung to your bones,
like dew on a flower,
and the sides of your shoes were falling apart.

i wish i could tell you how much of an impact you had on me in those 30 seconds,
but even more- i wish you found home and that you're happy.

the sun the sky the breeze the trees toes quicksand scritch scratch dryer 1950s lovely lonely hair compliant help keep safe home quick kiss hello hug hello hi hello pretty lovely lonely cut scratch drink puff lovely lonely drive go fast drive cruise i'm sorry money help home safe plaid light morning pop crown smear free mind heart soul clunk jingle ching change kiss hug lovely lonely ***** help kiss heart breathe suffocate help drowning kiss my heart my lungs special hug kiss help quiet static smear dark help quiet kiss help

i've got knee-high socks underneath too-long jeans and cigarettes in my pocket

everyone is intrigued by the girl who sits in trees in her sunday best, bare feet and a shiny silver locket clasped round her neck.

the rainy air felt cold against my cheeks
i was shaking so bad
when i lit my cigarette at first, i tried to sit on my bed and just leave my window open to the screen,
but the smoke greeted me in my room and hung around
so i opened the full window, and leaned all the way out
"**** it" i said, i sat on the sill and just let myself enjoy it
enjoy this last half of a cigarette, i had just gotten a pack on thursday
it was sunday they were all gone
i stuck my feet out and let the drizzle send goosebumps up my to my shoulders and a shiver to my toes
i couldn't tell what was smoke and what was my breath, but i kind of liked it
i pretended my hits were much bigger than they really were
the smoke got caught under my bangs and stung my eyes,
then i just let myself cry for a little bit.
eventually, long after i finished my smoke, i willed myself to climb back inside, febreeze my room to all hell, set out a cup of vinegar, and go to sleep.

it's the barbed-wire pattern on your wrist formed by a new hairband which infested my thoughts today

her eyelashes graced my skin so subtly
a breeze emanating from her shook my bones

when she kissed my collar i felt an overwhelming pressure inside my heart and in my stomach

her bottom teeth didn't quite line up
and she had a bump in the middle of her nose

when i touched her knee she sighed and leaned further into my cavernous chest

her knees knocked when she walked
and her jeans were always a little too big

she held my hand and guided me through the park to her favorite spot

her hair always curls especially tight by her ears
and the freckles on her legs form a constellation

the leaves were occupying every inch of the ground except one spot was clear,
just past a hill and to the left of a lake

i shuddered at the damp air and wiped my eyes at the sight of the sun
but when i saw her peaceful reflection, and the yellow and red and green leaves and the sun rising behind foggy clouds
and heard nothing but twittering birds and our quiet breaths mixed
i swear i fell into the most comfortable web,
which i have been unable to escape since

and for a moment i had trouble
navigating the web of freckles
strewn across her nose

"TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT" BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS HOLDING THE POISON IN HIS MOUTH; THE SAME TONGUE THAT MADE A BED OF FLOWERS SHOT VENOM DOWN YOUR THROAT

her lips taste like cigarettes and brandy
like a big puff of smoke i inhale her
she creeps into my brain and locks
her hooks inside my lungs i am
coughing consequences
cigarette lips are you The One?
my mind goes numb and i meagerly
attempt to forget her

she's got blades of grass from across the country stapled inside her eyelids

static in my bones and clutter in my brain

my whole life an incomplete essay, a final episode not watched, and book unfinished

your spirit lurks in my aching bones

she's not a flower, more like a **** or suburb-grass

noose with a cross dangling (love, grandma)
medal with the mocking smile (you could have done better)
glasses her mother wore to read the paper (folded on a bedside table)
windchimes hanging outside her window (inhabited by spiders now)
cufflinks of the man she wanted to marry (they left lovely bruises)

You know we used to swim in your pool, but where did you go? I can't seem to comprehend how scraped knees can bleed for so many years. And how can a name taste so sour that your lips stayed puckered? I stomped on your glasses and left you searching, not that you deserved it but I thought i needed it.

you told me you wanted me to curl up in the hollows of your chest but there was a sinkhole in the pit of your stomach and before i knew it you were already gone

as i whisper my final breath,
an obscure and lonely request slipped between your ribs,
you expel me from your lungs,
and i've been erased.

would you let me unearth your bones?
if your torment was perceptible, could i bear it?
what if you could exhume yourself of hate?

i play it out in my head. a graceful arc
right at the crescendo. floating
through the air for what feels like
eternity. a crash. darkness. shards
of glass and hot blood. i don't feel
anything. it was purely magical and i
can see it over and over. can feel the
satisfying breaks, can predict the
damage. it won't stop me from doing
it again.

let's hang ourselves from the stars so everyone will know who we are

i think the way that you are so careful with me
like i'm the most precious piece of porcelain you've ever dealt with
but you don't just leave me on a shelf to be viewed, no
you pour hot coffee from my fingertips and
drink the liquid from my steaming lips
is the whole reason that i fell in love with you

"Two broken people can't be together" because they've both seen enough hurt to make a nun commit suicide and they've taken enough pills to **** everyone in their broken families and they've cried enough tears to fill all the bottles of whiskey they downed in sorrow. "Two broken people can't be together" because someone's got to remember to do the laundry and call your best friend and feed the dog. "Two broken people can't be together" because being in love isn't about being the one to hold the gun while you pull the trigger, it's about being the one to kiss your neck in a warm bed at 3 in the morning because those nightmares still jolt you awake every night.  But who better to console you than one who's seen the same things you have?

it's always the little things that get romanticized but nobody really notices the little things like the way you smoke a cigarette with shaking hands and shifty eyes and how one of my eyebrows is smaller than the other and how the sunlight mixes with the sky and makes the river appear yellow and blue simultaneously and the pictures in your basement have never collected enough dust to be seen and maybe the little things don't really matter but ******* do they make life a whole lot prettier

and on that autumn rooftop i saw her
the real her
she danced along the ledge,
making light of a dark and dangerous thing
she didn't care and she ran and rejoiced
she talked very strangely
like she might not get to say the next thing
and everything was very final
and nothing was going to change
until the sun went down and we had to go home.
i don't know if you remember that day like i do but it was really special because it was like life just froze for a few house
we didn't have to worry and we didn't have to care and nobody disturbed us and i wish i could have stayed like that forever

THE WORLD'S VIRTUE MAKES ME SORRY

a wild imagination = a permanently broken heart

//i've fallen in love with the ceiling of your car
//and i've fallen in love with the way your leather backseats stick to my shoulders

He stripped me down to my words and asked, "Does this hurt?"

i plan to repeat the same words over again until they sound something like you holding me in your arms again