Am I just calm
Or I'm dying inside ?

This pen was an escape to me  from the world out there
Physical pain was an escape through the mental one
Although I never escaped the truth
A knife slits my throat while I'm wearing my best suit
Sleep wasn't enough for me anymore
So I jumped on to the fifth pocket pills
Even if it's the soul which it kills
Mind's on the left while body on the right
Yeah I'm having completely different kind of thrills
Even sometimes it gives me down my spine a quite of the chills
Mind out of control
All I need is some tight and hard leashes.

Actions were screaming
But I still believed the words
Although my mind was in the clouds between the birds
But my soul was drowning
And all of this is too tiring
So I got up and start firing
yeah sometimes I do fall but right now I'm thriving
It's my kingdom & I'm the master of the skill of surviving
My head down but ******* up
My thoughts were down but hard work stood up
Although I might stay down my will stay up
Eyes closed but no sleeping
Eyes open but still dreaming
Hands up in the air my writings been screaming
Work is all I do, It's my mind what I've been training
Listening to all but believing only on my thinking
Late nights no sleep, my condition is a bit frightening
The rope around my neck 'been tightening
one day I'll make it through cause I've been striking
Cause I'm the master of the skill of surviving.

Looking through the windowpane
Is it just me or we all can see through the pain
Like the drain, this feeling stinks
Deep in somewhere, it like a hornet sting
Drinks do not help anymore
Take me to the top and throw me down
And make sure you hit the winning score.
This darkness is what I consume
Either it'll take me up alive
But if I do survive
I'm pretty sure that vision will be rectified
Stuck in this tide
The moon is the dark
And the ocean is my life
No matter what I do this thing rule's my mind
Sitting on the throne
I'm its kingdom
Don't even know when this sneaked inside
And still, my burning soul is my light
It's the only light my only guide
Lay me down & cover me up in whites
This might be the end & I don't know what it's like.

You might not know me or you do
What I'm about to tell you is sad but it's true
Grab a seat this gonna take moment ok?
Now you might think this is some weird ****** ****
But let me tell you it's much more than this
Now let me warn you already instead
Although you're not in it
I'll make you feel in it ok?
You can close this right now
Cause things gonna be a bit steep ahead

My soul has been broken so many time
That now I laugh instead of crying
Trust and love bring the tears
Pain is my new taste of comedy
Let it shower
let the pain drizzle all over me
Cause it's the only when you'll see the most laughing me
My hope never died
Yeah but its backbone did
You don't get this?
let me take you a bit deeper ok?
I used to think of happiness and love is what I need
but once my tongue got the taste of hurting and dying
****** I ******* loved it
Now that pain became something where my life depends on it

I used to be scared of pain
Until I realized happiness was the real evil
And now I invite all the energies to hurt me in such a way
That there's no chance left to let me escape
Killing me slowly but not letting me die
That's what My heart wishes for one last time
Take me down to the deepest of this lake
Hold me there till I'm ******* dead
Or you can burn me up in the brightest flame
I hope anyone who comes to me must treat me in their worst possible way.
And all of this is written by me cause finally my tears are black
Mind's open, heart's burning, eyes exploding
But most of all my soul is cracked
Cause this is written by me when my tears became black
My tears are black but I was not crying
I know you don't get this, let me explain, trust me I'm trying

Word that can define me is catastrophic
You need to listen to me I'm not on narcotics
Yeah it might not make any sense to you
But that doesn't mean it's senseless
Each day I get up and get dressed
With millions of shards in my heart
layer under layer suppressed
You might call me depressed
But I'm not
Cause this is written by me when my tears became black
I'm not crying but laughing with the tears that are black
And I hope this might explain me right, cause if it doesn't
I do not have any other words to say, ok?