You leeched me away from myself
When I’d just walked away from a blade.
The evidence was disappearing…
Now it’s back with a vengeance.

Half sight is half understanding.
I sat on your floor and ate your promises.
Recognised the soul tie
From my thousandth year of research.

I was out for blood…
Yours was running from a tap.
Lapping it up, it fuelled me with melody
Till I couldn’t breathe

Couldn’t see
Couldn’t speak
Choked out but’s
Having believed your presence was love.

Suddenly the subway isn’t imaginary

You’re starting to understand me.

I put your muted words in a safe place

One I won’t speak of to anyone else.

Even I don’t know where

As long as I never lose them.

I’ll keep dying my hair while you die for the music

And when the time comes, I’ll ask

Is this the feeling in which we’ve been searching?

I don’t even know your star sign. But sure.

You’ll reply.

You make me feel less alone

You keep me getting on the train.

Speeding back to argue with you

To put you in your place.

Say my name as a goodbye

After ghostly anecdotes.

Dumb analogy’s

That have me bringing my knees to my chin.

Hugging myself, imagining it’s you

But you’re not imaginary.

Space boy.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” I say as I proceed to rinse my hands clean of love.

The contrast between words and actions is strong, causes pangs in both parties’ hearts.

That’s not to say either of us have a heart… that leaves a lot to be desired.

We’ve been living in shyness
Staring each other down like the other will run.

But despite the want to cut the invisible string before it stings… I can’t.

You never caught my eye and we never kissed that night but even so, I felt an overstretching glow

That came in August, the bloodlust, the unexpected hook up

And you never know, it might not be love. Hopefully not love.
Hopefully the invisible string is enough.

Cause I don’t wanna hurt you
No, I don’t wanna hurt you.

Her heart rumbles
I could take her out for dinner
Same thing, same flavours
I’m in her taste buds
Licking her stains clean
Sipping lemonade, nibbling her skin’s pain
We’re feeding like vampires
Junkies, cannibals.

Her curves are mûrren
My chest burns at her slopes
The quiet drops
Of eyes, lights, breaths, death, heart, art
Fresh water fountains, her goldfish tongue
Coursing down my throat
Lucerne lift forever, grey hair together
Until the last rain of her beloved fall.

The shard overlooking my flat
Is a protector who vowed
to keep me starry eyed
As the night got quiet but not too quiet
I was at war at what it should be like.
It didn’t exactly feel safe but it was home
And now I’m not home.
I miss blending in with those who thought I was too tame and shy,
Striding through the traffic like a butterfly
On edge but excited.
Struggling artist, mannequins, rushing, drowning, dying, staying anyway.
It’s what I hungered for and I took it away
All because I’m alone
I didn’t know what to do…
And now villanelle’s bridge, my balcony, keyboard, the man near the sign of hope who looked like a rockstar…
it’s all close by but gone
My shattered shard in bits.

I wish I had medications
So my pain didn’t come out in excuses.
Everybody’s shy but me?
I wanna die.

No one understands complexities until they reach for a thousand years
Deeper, deeper and deeper still
And even then I don’t get a sympathetic ear.

Benzos: I learnt the name from a book
Not from the mouth of a doctor I saw a few times until the receptionist said
“You’re here AGAIN?”

My mum didn’t see the traits
Of every illness that clogged my body like arsenic… good job I couldn’t get hold of a lighter like everybody else could.

I’ve spun around my world so many times
At my big age I should know how to balance
But I still feel so weak
As if my legs will give way

Any. Second. Now.

I wish I could pop a pill
Line them up in little boxes
Save myself from drunkenness to mask the stuttering and shame

You KNOW the only way to prove I want to die…

Estranging

The sky is purple
And all I can do is think about how loud I was about you.
It’s raining but it’s humid
The page glowing, my heart growing
Piano and guitar signalling
That this isn’t gonna draw to a close
Any time soon.

The planes make their noise
Its passengers having no clue
About the girl beneath them
With her phone torch on as the light fades
Lilac to bluebell chemtrails
Lilacs to hell and betrayal
Not from you but from the elastic roads and estranging moon.