it's so surreal that at 12:19 a few months ago I would have been crying and complaining about how bad I have it and at 12:19 tonight I am probably the happiest I have ever been because I decided I should stop feeling sorry for my self and maybe actually enjoy life and there are tears streaming down my face as I type this but they're the happy kind i am so proud of how far I've gotten and how far im going to go i finally love myself and i am confident and oh my goodness i can't believe i'm where i am everything is so good

why are thoughts of no one but you always on my mind at this time of night
i can't get you out of my head
i etched your name in every
journal i've ever owned
my hands are aching
i'm all out of ink

but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once...and it's too much. my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. and then I remember... to relax, and not try to hold on to it. and then it flows through me like rain. and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

but we all change once in a while I guess
that's the scary part.
we're never going to be exactly the way we are in this moment.
constantly changing.
forever discovering and exploring.
we just keep moving and don't stop for anybody.

sorry for staring at you all the time and laughing too loud and having a shaky voice when you tell me beautiful words that weren't made for people like me

every morning i wake up
aching

eyes closed
i count out my fingers
and toes

still there when i open
my eyes i know

it is you
that is missing

wherever we land, there will always be this day
where I turn off the song of my sadness, and your shame,
where I stop asking what all the crying has been about
all I know is my name could rust entirely away
in your perfect mouth

this whole fake it till you make it thing is really getting old because I am at least 600 different types of not okay right now and "making it" is the least of my worries

**** hickies on top of old bruises so the aches don't fade away
curl up beneath tear soaked sheets and sleep for the whole day
this is the pain that does not heal
these are the wounds that always stay
paint over the street signs and burn all the maps you'll find your own ******* way

everyone keeps asking why I let you back into my life and honestly I don't know either because every time I let you crawl under my skin and into my veins you poison me and I regret it but nothing ever changes I always welcome you with open arms and you always have a knife hidden behind your back maybe I do it because I'm weak or insecure but I think it's because nothing feels as good as the way you hurt me

oh god someday I promise I'll stop thinking about you

my lungs were filled with you
and i did not want to breathe out
until i remembered that i needed air to survive

when I got sick I couldn't remember what it felt like to be healthy
sometimes I think you were my illness
I forgot what it felt like to be without you but now I remember
and I feel so much better

my friend called me and told me about how he finally kissed the girl he likes and it made me think about how lonely i am and how long it's been since ive kissed someone and been held and felt truly happy because of another person and it's like im me!!! i worked so hard to realize how great i am and what i deserve because of that and it's like no one else realizes it you know... it's like hello!!! i am right here waiting to be loved

2 months ago we were watching the stars and you were holding me, i was so happy i asked the universe "please please please stop expanding in this immense void stop the time stop everything as it is now"
1 month ago i went on a long car ride with some sad memories in my pocket and some happy ones and i was so lost in my own mind i didn't hear you call
2 weeks ago i was laughing so hard my tummy hurt and my friends were dancing drunk and i really thought everything was perfect
i guess the universe will never listen
now it's 2am and i can't sleep so im eating cold mashed potatoes out of the tiniest box with the tiniest spoon and i am sad with no socks sitting on the floor of my kitchen and i can't help but wonder why time moves so fast

I miss you so much but you were never mine to miss in the first place why don't you talk to me anymore can't you see it's tearing me apart please come back

its weird where i see poetry these days.  like…theres a better way to say it than that.  but im always shocked to see poetry in a bucket of bone colored paint or in a mess around a dumpster or in the dryer lint.  i see it in your avoidance and in the jokes i’ve learned to make. i see it in scuffed boots and missing keys on a keyboard.  i still see it in celestial beings.  i still see it in the face of everyone i talk to.  but now i see it everywhere and its almost overwhelming but at the same time i’m glad.  because even the ******* things can be okay if you look at them right.

somewhere in between beginning to pick up the pieces and trying to figure out what the hell broke in the first place